To ask why your 3.5 yo behaves?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Like literally what is it you do and have done that makes them behave - don't run off, stop when told, walk nicely , not shriek.

And ideally with more nuance than tla generic "by being a decent parent" type stuff.

DTwins are great but they're just... spirited. Language is behind, understanding is there but it does complicate stuff.

They're told off, removed, made to walk on their reins etc
I'm not just sat there watching them misbehave and going "oh no, they're so naughty!"

So why are YOUR children better behaved than mine.??

My 3 yo is very difficult and often leaves me in tears. He was a lovely, relatively easy toddler until he hit about 2 years 10 months. We try to give him so much positive attention but it’s like his cup can’t be filled. So the minute he doesn’t have all eyes on him, he starts acting out and doing intentionally ‘naughty’ things, which often progress to dangerous things. He knows exactly what he is doing and it’s partly because he just loves a reaction. We didn’t have a single tantrum until he hit ~ 3 and now he can scream, stomp his foot and drop to the floor like the best of them. He’s prone to hitting when he is cross - thankfully just DH or I. I lost my cool and really shouted at him because he threw a toy in my face and cut my forehead this morning. Needless to say it just made the situation worse. If he isn’t shouting he’s whinging or trying to work out what’s in it for him - I must hear ‘I WANT…’ a hundred times a day. We get minutes of a happy, compliant boy per day. It’s exhausting.

Nothing I do seems to get through. He literally laughs at more responsive, gentle approaches and screams and hits more if you enforce boundaries in a tougher sense. We are going for correction of behaviour, removal from situations if he carries on the behaviour and trying to talk about how he is feeling when he calms down/is safe. And lots of attention/praise when he behaves well. It isn’t making him behaviour better now but god I hope it has some effect medium to long term. Long post to say YOU HAVE MY SYMPATHY.

Ah yes I always felt exactly like this too. I always thought there was some secret trick they were doing when I saw someone with a quiet sweet child just sitting there coloring nicely. Mine just seemed more “spirited” (challenging) than the average child (as I found out when easy going second came along). Some kids are just a bit more full on. If it helps, that burning fire in them to see and do more than everyone else around them will hopefully take them far in life! Provided they can stay out of trouble later ;)

@BertieBotts yes definitely, but I don’t know where to go with it. It’s not a
diagnosable medical condition - as far as I’m aware. I would say at least 95% of our problems stem from food refusal/ fussiness, hand washing, not wanting to wear jumpers/ certain clothes/ shoes, and hair brushing.

What does that translate into tho? What's the straightforward no fuss discipline for not sitting still in the restaurant, hitting your brother, shrieking when I need them to be quiet.

You wanna try that fireman lifting when you've got two chubby ones 😂

I don't think there's a reason other children are better behaved than yours (luck IMO, some kids are more compliant than others.) But what will 100% make a difference is if you give up. Setting boundaries is tiring and boring and relentless but it will pay off, behaviour wise, and when they're 5 or 6 or 7 it will pay dividends. Bad behaviour, long term, tends to be because parents give up / CBA, whereas in toddlerhood I think it's to be expected (sadly!)

I would say 90% personality and 10% parenting. It really is a lottery and after having three children and a grandchild..who knows 🤷‍♀️Obviously consistency and time really helps ,but doesn’t always work for many parents!

Not sure if it helps or is applicable but where I can control it, timing and planning makes a huge difference to behaviour.

our DD is well behaved but I manage it heavily. There is a lot more kicking flailing and screaming on my DH's watch.

So if my DD needs to sit nicely (eg meal out)
I let her round around a park for 45 mins first before the restaurant and won't feed her before or in the park. Then I will bring Cheerios in a snack tub to the restaurant so she has a predinner snack that is hard to eat and THEN some colouring AND THEN we let her move about so she doesn't kick off.
So she'll sit with me then go sit with daddy for a bit. Then go back in the high chair. Then eat. Then sit with granny.

God reading that back is exhausting and makes me wonder why I bother. 😂

I have 2, if they were both misbehaving it would be one under each arm. I've done that at softplay when they decided to gang up on me 🤣.

Have you considered ASD? DS (eldest) has sensory issues, major fussiness with food, hair brushing is an issue, other stuff too around boundaries and processing speed

They are all different.

My eldest is 6 now and hated walking holding hands from the daybhe could toddle. It used to take an age to walk up the road because I would insist on it all the time and he would tantrum because he always wanted to sprint off and throw himself under the nearest bus.

He still can be like that now and will work his ticket with soft touches like my mum, but he is much better with me because he knows I will take him home if he tries to wrestle his hand away. He's also learned that if he walks nicely with me then I will let go of his hand.

My youngest daughter however is always more than happy to hold hands when out and about. I've never had to put in any graft with her about it; it just doesn't bother her.

Thanks, this is what I need to remember.

Mostly luck. But I do think relentless praising of good behaviour has helped a lot.

@SleepingStandingUp

Because they aren't twins! That's why!

I don't know if you have older children to compare to (I do) but a singleton 3.5yo is ten times easier than 3.5yo twins. And I say this as a mother of a singleton DS who has additional needs and ADHD, who was still infinitely easier than DTwins. Mine are also 3.5yrs.

I have no answer. I just keep telling myself they can't be like this forever. They can't be.

DS at 3.5 was polite, listened, would sit nicely through a meal, rarely whinged, was a pleasure to take out, easy to take on holidays.

DTwins? None of the above. Feral. Won't listen. Egg each other on. Plot together. Hide. Squabbling and competing. Sat for roast dinner for approx 6 minutes then one bolted from one end of the table, and the other from the other. This was at 4pm. We've been up with them since 6am. We had given up at this point and let them disappear just so we got to eat out dinner before it went stone cold. They are fantastic but fucking exhausting in equal measure. I have no idea why they are like this, we've tried everything, and 3.5 years on, we literally don't have the energy to hover over them disciplining like super nanny all day... because that's what they need.

In other news, triplet mum's are super human and I have no idea how they even function.

We are a screen free family at home so the kids aren't addicted to tantrum inducing crap that makes them yell to high heaven when it's removed. And they know how to play without being over stimulated by moving pictures.

I really don’t think screens make any difference. My children were not brought up with iPads / phones but one was definitely more tricky generally…now an amazing adult . Grandchild does have more access to screens etc and is easy and a dream .
Really think personality is the main factor along with consistency.

Proper communication, not just do this because I say so but why it's a sensible option and the consequences of not doing it. The expectation of good behaviour when out and about. They were early talkers though (probably because I talked to them non stop even when pregnant as I have a permanent internal dialogue going on🤐) so your twins being behind with speech would make it more difficult for you as well as two of the same age together😬

Three grown up sons and I can honestly say I never had a tantrum in a supermarket/shop, they knew before we went in what we were going for, I would give them three choices in the supermarket eg which cereal and if I didn't want them having sweets I would ensure they had had their three choices before the sweet aisle😜 they also understood that money was short so they couldn't always have what they wanted straight away but would get it when saved up for. So we could have reasonable conversations if there was a particular toy in front of them that they wanted about how they could have it at a later date.......oh and 'the look' that you have to develop that tells them silently to behave in public 😂

This is spot on. 👌🏼

I have 4 kids... and had 3 under 3.
Same parents , same parenting...
4 TOTALLY different personalities.

no1 Anxious and gentle and no trouble as a 3 year old

no2... DEAR GOD that boy! If it could be climbed, he climbed it. ..at 3 he managed to climb on top of the toilet cistern to reach the top of the cabinet to get DHàs razor, where he managed to cut his hand.. in about 3 minutes flat. he ran, he dangled on the end of reins and screamed ...had to wear reins as he was a bolter. He drew on walls, he cut snowflake patterns into my oilskin table cloth, and carved a Z into te sideboard...

no3... a calm, serene articulate EASY child

no 4... autistic and supremely chilled..just lined up crayons and watched the washing machine !!

We were quite calm and easy going parents, but no 2 tested us to the limits all the way.. it was just his personality!!!!!

AND HE STAYED THAT WAY Ill gloss over the teen years but they weren't fun!!!!!!!!

However.. he's the guy that is now living his best life on another continent, following his passion, and is an incredible, energetic , fun , wonderful man.

I really really think that children are born with the personalities they are going to have... you can modify them somewhat, but if you have a feisty one... you just survive it!

This was like the difference between my two, except the spirited one came first. If I'd had my second child first I would have been convinced it was because I was such a good parent... her coming second just proved it was luck of her draw! But I can totally see why you'd believe that if you had an easy child first! I'm glad I had it that way around because I braced myself for the younger one to be an arse, so when she slept well, didn't run off, didn't tantrum and ate whatever was in front of her, it was a very pleasant and unexpected surprise!

*the not her

An example of holding hands - if I’m out with my 2 year old and he won’t hold hands, he goes in the buggy: not a threat, it’s just a consequence and I explain it every time. ‘You have to go in the buggy as there’s a busy road and you won’t hold hands’. He may cry and I comfort him but don’t back down. Now I just have to ask - do you want to hold my hand or go in the buggy and he 99% will hold my hand. Takes a lot of patience 😂 I have an older one and I’ve learned that shouting doesn’t work, always allow extra time to leave the house and consequences rather than abitrary punishments. And we have always met their emotional needs: sounds woo woo but I do believe in it. Like staying with them when they are scared at night, etc. I always get comments they are ‘well-behaved’ but who knows maybe teenage years will be a nightmare haha.

So much is personality and brain wiring. My DS is the same age and soo compliant (I have others who are ND and absolutely not).

But one of the things I've learnt from my other kids that helps even with my compliant one is to try and forsee the stuff they might find hard or fuss about and communicate what will be happening at least once with them in advance. So my DS is likely to fuss over wanting an extra story or getting in the buggy instead of walking, so I'll remind him once or twice when reading the book "just one story tonight ok bud, then lights out" or as we're getting coats on "I'm going to get you in the buggy first and then you can walk when we're at the shops". It helps prevent surprises which is what catches us all off guard and causes frustration. It isn't always possible to forsee everything, but alot of the time you can

Of my 4 one was the perfect child. Wherever we went she was admired and praised. Form captain, year head, invited to every party, academic and funny and never caused a moment’s bother. Even when little she was adorable and if tired perhaps just a little weepy. The other three were variously wild, capricious and crazed. The biggest difference is personality and the greatest impact is your relentless modelling of kindness and thoughtfulness. All are equally gorgeous now older. It doesn’t predict the future!

DD is a terror at the moment.

Sometimes sympathy and understanding works (what's the matter, can I help), otherwise threatening to put a toy on the shelf normally does the trick.

Depends how tired she is though.