To ask why your 3.5 yo behaves?

[SleepingStandingUp]

Like literally what is it you do and have done that makes them behave - don't run off, stop when told, walk nicely , not shriek.

And ideally with more nuance than tla generic "by being a decent parent" type stuff.

DTwins are great but they're just... spirited. Language is behind, understanding is there but it does complicate stuff.

They're told off, removed, made to walk on their reins etc
I'm not just sat there watching them misbehave and going "oh no, they're so naughty!"

So why are YOUR children better behaved than mine.??

My kids got a bollocking and the threat of a tanned hide. Strong boundaries from toddler and up. Worked wonders. We've never had any trouble with any of them and our home is the happiest, most laid back place ever. Don't need to tell anyone off for bad behaviour because it's just not a thing. Everyone knows not to do naughty stuff, be rude and something as simple as them knowing they absolutely must use manners every single time they ask for something (even asking a sibling to pass the salt). They're almost all teens now and it's constant laughter here.

With both of mine, if they were physically doing something dangerous or running away from me, they got one warning and if they didn't listen they got picked up and brought home. Every single time. I had a lot of staring as I fireman lifted a screaming toddler/preschooler away but they learnt pretty quick, so I only needed to do it a few times.

They never need more than one warning while we are out and about now. They can still be terrors when we are home though! Can't threaten to take them home there 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

glad to see acknowledgment that most of it is luck/ personality. I get so sick of all the smug parenting threads on here from people who just do not understand.

my DD (just turned 3) is exhausting. She fights EVERYTHING non stop from morning til night. Non stop. Everything from walking nicely down the stairs to eating meals to washing hands is a battle. We have to put so much fucking effort into parenting her all day everyday. I have tried everything. I am consistent, firm but fair, I always follow through, i have never once allowed her to ‘get away with’ basic requirements (eg washing hands) but also try and limit my battles/ low demand and low stimulation. every single fucking time it’s a huge tantrum. She’s been like it since she was a baby.

it breaks my heart.

There's a certain amount is personalities involved as well as what you do. With my three, if I'd drawn a line and told them not to go over it:

Dd1 would have stayed a good foot away from the line in case she accidentally went over it.
DD2 would have stood with her feet exactly on the line looking out to see why. She might have tried (bad) excuses which would get her over the line with permission. She once "had" to get out of bed because "she was worried what colour shirt daddy had on".
Ds would have run as fast as he could over the line to see how far he could go, while giggling all the way.

And actually now they teens and older that's still their approach to a lot of things.

I think with twins it can be harder as they can egg each other on. I knew the most adorable identical twin boys who would walk beautifully on the reins, then, without so much as a glance at each other, simultaneously dash in opposite directions, with Mum desperately holding on.

DC1 was generally a compliant child. I followed through on threats and I've got a fairly short fuse - at the moment my bugbear is the low level disruption in their swim class. I'm so worked up by the end of it, I rant all the way home about how much trouble my two would be in if they behaved like that. They're basically told off every week for stuff someone else has done 😂

DC2 likes to be with someone All The Time. The chance of her ever running off is zero. She won't even watch tv on her own.

My 2yo was an absolute dream child…. Until he turned three. Now I despair at him. It’s definitely been the toughest age so far for me. So no advice but just know it’s not just you!

I don't know what the natural consequences are for some things, but I think for running away the result is they can't be trusted to be out on this walk, walking independently. So consequences are either they have to hold hands/go in pram/have reins. Or that they get taken home.

My DD went through a phase of running away and we took her home a lot. "Sorry, can't go to the playground now as I can't keep you safe on the walk there if you're going to run away". It didn't work so well on the walk back of course! Or when we were going somewhere we couldn't not go, like nursery. I think the main thing that stopped it was her growing out of it.

Personality. Mine was a lunatic. Still can be. Highly strung. Never worn out.

Her cousin is the opposite. That kid could be trusted next to a swimming pool she’s that compliant.

Because I read How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen and it changed my life.

Completely this.

I was never too strict on routines. DD (turning 3) just sort of slotted in and we made our own routine over time. But I have been absolutely consistent on behaviour / consequence. And what helps is DH is the exact same. He isn't any softer / stricter.

If she misbehaves she gets
1 - I'll correct her behaviour and tell her why
2 - a warning
3 - ultimatum
4 - I'll follow through with it

I don't think I've ever had to follow through with an ultimatum more than twice.
She has been going to childminders / nursery since she was 6 months old.

She has her challenging moments, don't get me wrong. She's very clingy at the moment and everything is 'why' and she can run ragged. I keep her very active rain or shine and make sure her life has enough to do in it. We don't shout at her either.

She's a really well rounded decent little girl who's a pleasure to be around. But I make no mistake that some of it's her character and she could change at any age and become a challenge.

Starting to think about DC2 and our second may be the polar opposite.

I have a DD this age now. She's usually a good kid, but can play up when tired. Perhaps you only see other kids when they're behaving well, rather than the 5% of the time when they are ... not lol

DD (almost 4) is an angel at nursery. Follows instructions, listens well etc. but is so determined and challenging at home. The nursery staff can't believe it when we have spoken to them as their experience is polar opposite.
Keep hearing about how that means she feels safe to express herself around us etc but it doesn't make it any bloody easier!!
Whenever you ask her to do something her immediate response is 'but I'm just...'.
I think it's just her personality but my god is it hard work.

It's a lot to do with personality of the child!
My child born same time as the neighbours. Their child was like a well trained robot, always listened, calm and did whatever was asked.
Mine was completely bonkers and very spirited.
Despite us bringing our children up with similar parenting, the personality thing was so obvious!

Fast forward ten years and mine is so independent and confident in the world. Theirs very hesitant and young in age.

The best thing I ever did was stop comparing and once I accepted mine was bonkers, just went with the flow and had fun.

Sorry @Siameasy, the swimming pool comment made me laugh 🤭

Honestly it's pot luck!

My first was spirited, used to bolt and run in the opposite direction, couldn't sit still and it a delightful 6 year old now.

His younger brother is so much more chilled naturally and so very different in temperament.

It's taught me that kids are just the way they are despite what we do...mostly!

So glad I found your post dd is the same age and we joke she is feral. She is on the go all of the time. Runs off, doesn't seem to listen and gets her hands on everything. It's embarrassing when we need to leave the house as she climbs out of the pushchair and kind of hangs over the edge

Luck.

A few rules but always follow through. Ours were no hitting and no throwing. And hitting included kicking etc.

Not being embarrassed to be bad cop sometimes. Kids need boundaries.

Lots of praise for good behaviour.

Setting expectations constantly. So ‘when we pull into the drive and we are home. You are going to do X, I am going to do Y, then we can do Z.’ Same thing in the morning or at lunch time or bed time or if you are leaving the house. Clear explanations and follow through. Kids have v little control over their lives so all this makes them feel included in what’s happening.

Sometimes it’s okay to ignore tantrums.

@Give0fecks sorry if I'm preaching to the choir - have you read anything about sensory processing issues?

2/3 wasn't great for us, hell infact, but now DS is 4 and oh my god I went him to be 4 forever. He has beautiful manners and is very well behaved.

It's nothing we did, I can't take credit for any particular thing we did other than ride out the bad.

Hang in there for the next 6 months.

Luck .. and being an only DC probably helps, no competing for attention or playing off against each other.

Having twins must be very hard.

Sorry I posted and then... well I've only just sat down lol.

It's getting there, school are on it too but no they can't fully convey their emotions.
They play well, beautifully together but also fight like cat and dog over a toy, one twin hits more than the other, and they have a tussle but school and speech are happy they can sit for age appropriate tasks. They'll happily sit and draw, do jigsaw puzzles etc.

This IS helpful too lol and yes @Dragonfly909 I assume it's cos we're shit. DS wasn't like this BUT for all the wrong reasons- complicated medical stuff. Now 8, ASD diagnosis, he makes up for it and this is it,altho DS is mild, theres Def behaviours I see the twins copying

That worked with three of mine but the fourth was such a homebody that she'd have loved to be brought home 😂

Yes I struggle with natural consequences.

Won't sit down at the table in a restaurant... ends up under someone

Won't hold hand to cross road... ends up under something

Hits his brother, who hits him back. So he hits him again, and they end up in a wrestling tussle

Screams. Carries on. Enjoys it. I lose my mind.

Mine is a bit older now but he was lovely in public and for others, not the case at home! You're not always seeing the whole picture