Why *I* didn't report

[AngryGreasedSantaCatcus]

A lot of the time the answers to the "why didn't she report it" question tend to be quite abstract like statistics, research etc.

AIBU to hope with all my being that maybe, just maybe , reading some real life stories and experiences will explain why and won't be as easily dismissed?

So here is my story, one of them at least.

As a teenager I needed a maths tutor before some very important exam. The one my parents chose was a Uni mathematics professor with a great reputation and accomplishments, in the classroom and in his tutoring groups. He was the man to pick if you wanted your kids to get good results and parents felt grateful/lucky to get a spot for their kids, often needing a referral or a good word put in by someone with some standing.

The first few sessions were normal , bog standard,brain melting maths. These took place in his house, with his wife and son at home. The sessions were in groups of 5/6. I was with 4 other girls. Then during one session, while leaning over to help me with a maths problem he put his hands under my jumper. It was winter so it was a big bulky , high neck red jumper. I remember the colour of it and the rather scratchy feeling of it vividly. First on my back, around my waist, while still talking and explaining the answer. Then his hands moved up and he started grabbing, pinching, twisting. Through it all I remember stupidly still trying to solve that stupid equation and trying to focus on his words. Because what was happening it couldn't be happening. His hands were not on me. Who does that? I'm imagining it. It's some kind of accident. It's not happening. It's not happening. I even went again (did that imply consent, did I secretly want it, did it mean it wasn't that bad, did it mean it didn't happen) and 10 minutes in he came to "help" me again. Humiliatingly, I still didn't say or do anything. I just sat there, got on with my maths, screaming in my head that this isn't happening. Screaming in my head to do something,to say something. If he does it again I will, i promised myself. He did, I didn't. Next time.

That night I told my mother. She laughed at me, she made a crude joke. I rang him myself pretending to be her and cancelling my sessions. He didn't put up a fight and I remember how stupidly proud i was for dealing with it and "pulling one over him" and for actually doing it since I'd been dreading it and practiced for hours what I would say and how I would say it.

I didn't report because I was young and had had no support to do so. I didn't report because despite 4 witnesses, they didn't see anything . I didn't report because who would believe slutty old me, vs a Uni professor with a great reputation. I didn't report because I probably deserved it, I went back, I was this and that and the other. I didn't report because it was never presented as a real option.

It turns out the adults fucking knew. They whispered and warned each other about it. They gossiped and shared knowing looks about it. My own mother was told not to send me to him. But his results were more important, his reputation was more important, our grades were more important than our bodies, our sanity, our safety ,our voices.

I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm sorrys and flowers. It is what it is. It happened.
If anyone else wants to add their story, to share,to be heard, to be listened to , to be believed, to just let another soul know and let it all out (and hopefully to educate-as a side effect not a main goal) feel free to share, but no pressure to do so.

The overriding message in all these stories is about power. SA and rape are about power, not sex, and there is no greater power than taking away someone's autonomy over their own body and their ability to speak the truth.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus

Thank you for validating my feelings. It has always been in the back of my mind and I remembered it recently when watching an Amazon drama about a young tennis star who was abused by her coach. I wasn't abused as such but I think I was on the road to being groomed. It sends shivers down my spine thinking back. I hope you don't mind me sharing my story even though it doesn't compare to most

I agree. I have been sexually harassed by a neighbour. He would make lewd comments about watching me, he would spy on me and generally make me feel uncomfortable. When it got to the stage of threatening behaviour I did report it to the police and they did take it seriously. The officers spoke to him and of course he denied it but they told me that they didn't believe him and it seemed like he wanted power over me and liked intimidating me

It strikes me reading this thread that so much depends on the first person you tell. It takes courage and if they don’t react in the right way then you’re never gonna tell anyone else are you.

You were uncomfortable. You couldn't speak out or say no. You had to lie and make up excuses. At best it was an abuse of power.. at worst... well you know.

And there's no point in comparing. It was what it was, no less ,no more. Your feelings then and now matter, just as much as anyone else's.

I didn't tell anyone, I just wanted to forget it. Because it was my fault, I got myself into that situation. Because he was in the wider friend group. Because I knew he fancied me and I used to flirt for the banter.

We were students and all out, I went back to his - a group of us did. I went into his room willingly and was lying on his bed, as many of us had done at each others flats many times. before. He tried to kiss me and I went along with it, what was a kiss? But then he tried it on, I said no I was too drunk, he kept trying, I said no I was too tired, he kept trying and I let him get on with it as I thought it was my fault I was in the position. I had friends in that flat, why did I not shout on them? I thought it was my own fault.

He worked in the student Union. A week later I was out (he was working) and I completely lost it and sobbed my heart out. I've never been a drunken crier, that was the one and only time I've ever cried when drunk. I never told anyone why. He turned up at my flat later that night "to see if I was alright". I didn't answer the buzzer but he called and text. I told him to go away. He knew he what he done was wrong. The fact none of the wider group knew what happened speaks volumes as he was the kind of guy who would have happily told of his conquests. That friendship group quickly fell away after that and we never spoke again.

I was young and naive enough to think that assaults only happened when strangers followed you down dark alleyways and not someone who was part of a friendship group.

I was young and naive enough to think that assaults only happened when strangers followed you down dark alleyways and not someone who was part of a friendship group.

I think this was and still is one of the most dangerous and harmful rape myths out there. It's incredibly frustrating that MSM ,the police , society ,all the advice etc is still very much focused on stranger rape and completely ignoring the fact that most girls/women are sexually assaulted /raped by a partner/ex partner or someone they know.

With the tiny fraction of successful convictions, rape may as well be legal.

My experience echos many other posters; I was a child, he was an adult. He had the power and I knew nothing.

It's pretty terrible so many girls and women experience such heinous acts by men, and then what do we do? Blame ourselves. So why would we speak out, how could we speak out?

Trigger warning When I was 15 me and my promiscuous friend ended up at a hotel with a couple of guys, they offered us drinks(i had a few sips of beer) we told them we were 17, I remember feeling really uncomfortable and wanted to leave, but my friend wanted to stay(she ended up having sex with both of them in the bathroom) then one came to me and started kissing me, then he was in my knickers, I remember saying no, next thing he was having sex with me, I wasn't moving or making a sound and he knew I wasn't enjoying it but carried on. He took my virginity that night. I had to get the morning after pill and never told my parents or the police as I felt I had been stupid and I should have screamed at him to get off or tried to run. I've kept it buried for over 20 years.

My mum keeps on saying that it’s funny these crimes are not reported at the time and that the victims are only after the limelight (jeez mum)

she really didn’t know what to say when I gently but bluntly reminded her that she never reported nor told a soul about the abuse she suffered at the hands of an older relative when she was a young teen due to shame and fear of not being believed.

I didn’t report him because he was my boyfriend. I didn’t report him because I’d consented but asked him to use contraception and he didn’t. I didn’t report him because my Mum had told me previously you shouldn’t ever start a man off and then stop him. I didn’t report him because although I asked him to stop I didn’t push him off.

I got pregnant from that interaction and that led to me being thought of as stupid and irresponsible my whole life. He got no such judgement. He has never contributed or been a parent. I only very recently realised that it was rape and have flashbacks that interrupt my very happy marriage and our intimacy. It ruined moments with my newborn child due to horrendous intrusive thoughts.

Sometimes I want to scream at people what he did to me. But I can’t ever do that because I don’t want my DS to know how he was conceived.

My family tried to report it and CPS wouldn’t take the case. Autistic people are not usually reliable witnesses (their exact words). I did give evidence in family court where they found him “guilty” of 40 offences and he never saw his biological children again.

My exH raped me repeatedly over our 7-year marriage, starting after our DC were born. I haven't reported him (despite a police officer asking if I wanted to) because what's the point? It's my word against his and I couldn't bear to go through all that only to not be believed.

The Mason Greenwood case really depresses me. You can literally record a man raping you and the case will still be dropped.

For me, this is it entirely. I didn’t realise until many many years later that I had been gang raped. I even had to look up the definition to be sure. Because I thought that the fact I’d been drunk, had met these blokes in a nightclub and they went to a sixth form college I knew , the fact that I’d left the nightclub with them willingly (even though I was too drunk to know where I was going) meant that it couldn’t have been gang rape because they didn’t stalk me as I walked alone down a dark street, because my experience didn’t match what I understood rape to be from crimewatch. I didn’t realise that being paralytic through alcohol and being subjected to different men taking turns to have sex with me despite the fact I kept saying no, I didn’t want to, constituted rape.

At 14 I was assaulted by a man. I told my dad what he did and my dad said 'don't be stupid'. It never occurred to me to report it when that was what my parent was saying about it.

I still can’t believe the other boy was 7!

Your story honestly made me rethink of sleepovers too, I know it sounds like I am suspicious of every innocent thing out there but reading these threads who do you trust apart from yourself?

you have done an amazing job supporting him all the way, one day he ll fully realise what you’ve done for him

🤗

I was 15 and went out clubbing with a girl from school, she was a year younger than me (it was easy for underage girls to get into nightclubs back then). My friend was in a relationship with her mum’s lodger, who was in his late twenties. Her family knew nothing about this. Obviously a massive paedo looking back, but that’s not how we saw it at the time.

We got back from the club and went to the lodger’s room where we smoked some weed. I was already drunk and the spliff made me conk out. Next thing I know, I’m vaguely aware of lying on the lodgers bed, him in the middle of me and my friend, he was kissing her and had his hand in my knickers. I was pretty much unconscious and completely unable to react. Then my friend realised what he was doing, and in a rage literally dragged ME off the bed and down the hallway to her room, calling me all the names under the sun, before going back to him.

It later transpired he was also having sex with her two sisters, using the ‘it’s our little secret line’ with all of them. He even got my friend pregnant.

I appreciate that, thank you🤗 As a parent, I have never once disbelieved him. I have listened and listened.

He is angry that the police can't do anything due to the boy being under the age of criminal responsibility at the time. Police pass this over to social work as it's then classed as their remit. The family officer who phoned me after the interview said she was sorry it could not be taken further. No hope of a criminal conviction.

He is working through his anger issues and can recognise that he needs lots of support which is half the battle.

I am so sorry for everything I read on here. Sending to all of you.

I once typed out all of the unwanted sexual attention or assaults I have endured throughout my life. It comes to two and a half A4 pages.

In all the events in those two and a half pages, my husband is the only man to have raped me.

I have reported two of the things on my list to the police, things that didn't involve my husband, but nothing came of those reports.

I haven't reported my ex husband. He worked in the criminal justice system; he is a very, very good liar; he appears to be a great guy, his hangers on no doubt choosing to ignore niggling doubts that will arise because 'it can't be, it's xxxxx, he's such fun'; he is very manipulative, he has already spun me as the crazy, controlling ex. I wouldn't have a hope in hell, despite the solid evidence of my son's ashes, who's to say it wasn't consensual?

I haven't read all of these yet but I want to add mine. My ExH posted intimate, identifiable pictures of me online for his own gratification. He enjoyed that other men were looking at his wife. He talked about me with them, about our sex life. It has been going on for years, I found out this year.

I haven't reported him. I have plenty of evidence to have him charged but I haven't done it.

Why?
We have 2 children, knowing any of this would destroy them
Their father going to prison would destroy them
We did things (sexually) I'm not proud of (brought on by emotional abuse, me being a chronic people pleaser and totally lacking any boundaries) - I know that would all be used against me and I can't face it.

So true. Was sexually assaulted by a male friend when I was at university many years ago, I told my best friend the next day, she asked him about it and he denied all knowledge. He had my friend convinced, so if even she didn’t believe me there was no point telling anyone else. So I didn’t.

My boss attempted to rape me a week after i turned 16, he was late 40s

He had planned it, removed all cctv, asked me to do overtime on a Saturday so it was just me and him.

We did report it immediately, i was told they would have taken it more seriously if i had been under 16. this was 21 years ago and nothing came of it.

I worked with a young boy who had suffered sexual abuse at the hands of his older brother, who was acting out what had been done to him by another male adult in the home. The older boy was removed to foster care, the younger left in the home. The psych who dealt with his case said that he was irreparably damaged (at age 5) and we should be aware that it was likely he too would try to act out what happened to him. We watched him all the time, he was always with an adult.

He did indeed assault a girl in his class when they were 8. They were not alone and 3 adults were in the room. We all tried to protect the children around him, but ultimately he still did it. I guess the only saving grace is that he was stopped immediately. I was devastated for the poor girl, and for him too in truth, because I thought we could prevent it.

To all those who wonder if they had reported would they have saved someone else...almost certainly not. To anyone who thinks they are somehow responsible for their attackers behaviour...you are not.