Why *I* didn't report

[AngryGreasedSantaCatcus]

A lot of the time the answers to the "why didn't she report it" question tend to be quite abstract like statistics, research etc.

AIBU to hope with all my being that maybe, just maybe , reading some real life stories and experiences will explain why and won't be as easily dismissed?

So here is my story, one of them at least.

As a teenager I needed a maths tutor before some very important exam. The one my parents chose was a Uni mathematics professor with a great reputation and accomplishments, in the classroom and in his tutoring groups. He was the man to pick if you wanted your kids to get good results and parents felt grateful/lucky to get a spot for their kids, often needing a referral or a good word put in by someone with some standing.

The first few sessions were normal , bog standard,brain melting maths. These took place in his house, with his wife and son at home. The sessions were in groups of 5/6. I was with 4 other girls. Then during one session, while leaning over to help me with a maths problem he put his hands under my jumper. It was winter so it was a big bulky , high neck red jumper. I remember the colour of it and the rather scratchy feeling of it vividly. First on my back, around my waist, while still talking and explaining the answer. Then his hands moved up and he started grabbing, pinching, twisting. Through it all I remember stupidly still trying to solve that stupid equation and trying to focus on his words. Because what was happening it couldn't be happening. His hands were not on me. Who does that? I'm imagining it. It's some kind of accident. It's not happening. It's not happening. I even went again (did that imply consent, did I secretly want it, did it mean it wasn't that bad, did it mean it didn't happen) and 10 minutes in he came to "help" me again. Humiliatingly, I still didn't say or do anything. I just sat there, got on with my maths, screaming in my head that this isn't happening. Screaming in my head to do something,to say something. If he does it again I will, i promised myself. He did, I didn't. Next time.

That night I told my mother. She laughed at me, she made a crude joke. I rang him myself pretending to be her and cancelling my sessions. He didn't put up a fight and I remember how stupidly proud i was for dealing with it and "pulling one over him" and for actually doing it since I'd been dreading it and practiced for hours what I would say and how I would say it.

I didn't report because I was young and had had no support to do so. I didn't report because despite 4 witnesses, they didn't see anything . I didn't report because who would believe slutty old me, vs a Uni professor with a great reputation. I didn't report because I probably deserved it, I went back, I was this and that and the other. I didn't report because it was never presented as a real option.

It turns out the adults fucking knew. They whispered and warned each other about it. They gossiped and shared knowing looks about it. My own mother was told not to send me to him. But his results were more important, his reputation was more important, our grades were more important than our bodies, our sanity, our safety ,our voices.

I'm not looking for sympathy and I'm sorrys and flowers. It is what it is. It happened.
If anyone else wants to add their story, to share,to be heard, to be listened to , to be believed, to just let another soul know and let it all out (and hopefully to educate-as a side effect not a main goal) feel free to share, but no pressure to do so.

I was a child, I told a teacher, teacher reported it and I was kept behind after school. Police came and I was taken to give a statement and was examined. Social worker come to pick me up and in the car on the way to the place I'd now be staying she told me that my siblings will now all be split up and sent to different foster homes. I'd always taken the abuse to protect them, and now I wouldn't be able to keep them safe. So I told her I'd lied, told police id lied. And I was allowed back home eventually. Back to the abuse.

As an adult when I was again abused I didn't feel like I could go to the police as I'd told them before that I'd lied. I wouldn't be believed.

There was also SA in my first marriage that I didn't realise was abuse till I was much older and realised that him doing whatever he wanted while I was drunk or sleeping...well I wasn't consenting.

I just never ever felt like anyone would believe me

I was sexually assaulted (not rape) at university. It has occurred to me that he might have done it to others before me but it never occurred to me to be angry or blame them for not reporting him.

@Judashascomeintosomemoney I'm 37, so not that long ago, but long enough I guess. I honestly hope so. Especially some of the posters on MN, I hope beyond hope that if anything happened to their daughters it would be different and they'd react differently than they do on here. We can barely take it sometimes, I can't imagine a poor girl having to hear that from her mother.

I do have a relationship with my mum but it's based on FOG(fear,obligation,guilt) , rather than love or need(like a child needs their mother). For years, despite being angry and resentful , I made excuses for her. She was a product of her times, of her upbringing, internalised mysoginy etc. Then as an adult she admitted she was warned directly by someone about my maths tutor but she thought I'd be safe because I was fat. Because who would feel attracted to a fat girl, right? Then she made another very weird comment when we were talking about my grandad assaulting me (yeah I have one of those too, seriously you couldn't make this shit up) and she said something like "I'm surprised he never made a pass at me, I was so young and beautiful and skinny and living with him". "A pass" , all about looks again. I honestly couldn't tell if she felt slightly insulted that he didn't try with her but did with me. Absolute mindfuck, couldn't even ask for clarification. That's when shit finally cleared and realised who and what she is. So yeah we talk on the phone , about the weather, and work and DD and mostly superficial stuff but I'd never go to her for support or advice. It's a chore on my to do list.

The summer when I was 12/13 in the 70s I got a job as a chambermaid in a local hotel. I was so proud of myself. Pity it wasn't the best experience.

One day I was in the service cupboard which was long and thin with shelves of linens and products on either side and the slimey, gross, owner came in and shut the door behind him. It was really quite dim lighting.

I grabbed a random set of sheets and asked to leave, as if that was all I needed and I was ready to go to the rooms to service them. He suggested that I could squeeze past. I said I would not, it wasnt wide enough, and to please open the door and allow me to leave. He started to move towards me backing me down the thin aisle. I was at the end now, so put my arm out and asked if he wanted me to shout to leave (luckily we were very close to the kitchen and dining room). He made the right decision and reversed himself out, opened the door, and let me go free in the normal way.

I was soooooo angry. I left a few weeks later at the end of the season and got a different place to work the year after at a mates parents hotel.

What's interesting though is how bad I've felt more recently since the Facebook history forum of that town has started and, on more than one occasion, this hotel is mentioned, there are photos with young workers and the guy, his wife and his daughter. It just makes me feel guilty for not calling him out as others might not have been so lucky.

Having said that, given what happened, well didnt happen, maybe no one would have taken any notice anyway. He would have poo pooed it and I would have been made out to be the unhinged teenager.

It happened to me when I was 5 years old and he was my neighbour.
It was summer break and I was at home all the time, father did night shifts so used to sleep in the day and mom was at work. I would play alone and sometimes go over to neighbours.

He tried to have sex with me every day for 3-4 days and I guess couldn't find the vagina! He was 16/17.
He satisfied himself with licking my tiny body and kissing it allover.

I never told anyone as I had no idea what it was. I knew it was wrong and I remember writing on walls like "catch this thief", " bad people". I was told not to write on the wall, no one asked why I was writing this!

When I was 11/12 I had the realisation what had happened with me. One night I woke up crying and told my mom.
She was upset, I asked if she was going to tell my father. She said no, these things are not told to anyone.

I never told this to anyone. Even as 40 year old, I dread visiting my home as he is still my neighbour. Some days I think I should report it, get it out but I don't know if anything will happen other than people blaming me and my family for ruining a man's life!

My youth club leader. I was 11. All my friends knew, as did my parents. He was 23 and worked in an afterschool/holiday club. I called him my boyfriend. I was pregnant and had an abortion by the time I was 13. He bought me a bug bar of Galaxy. I still can't eat it to this day.

I did report it. 7 years after it stopped. He admitted it. But he said I was 12, not 11. That changed things somehow. His wife stood by him and is still with him now.

He really liked a particular band, football club and car and I feel sick at the mention of them now.

He takes photographs of kids in cosplay as a hobby. I told the police. They did nothing.

So that's why people didn't report it. Because nothing happens if you do. This man, employed by a local authority, working with children, got a slap on the wrist. He officially was told, it wasn't that big of a deal. I wish I hadn't reported it.

So many of these testimonies are shocking, if not surprising.

Two incidents of what, in hindsight, were sexual assault. in both cases I had fallen asleep while drunk and woke to find myself being assaulted.

One case was a man I had kissed earlier in the evening and had fallen asleep on his bed. I just thought I’d been stupid for “leading him on” and felt lucky I’d woken up when I did and got out. Didn’t think about it much more until years later when I recognised it as an assault.

Another incident was similar but I had had nothing to do with the guy other than he was a friend of a friend who had come to a party at my house, came into my room while I was sleeping and started groping me. This one really felt like a violation and left me quite shaken and upset. But again the thought of reporting it didn’t even cross my mind - it just didn’t even occur to me that it was worthy of reporting.

Both of these incidents were with “nice guys”, friends of my own friends - not strangers, not unknown attackers. They weren’t violent, they didn’t overpower me. They weren’t what I thought “sexual assault” was.

There are a few things going on, aren't there:

1. Girls & women are seen as sacrifices (to men, manhood, the patriarchy, authority, even the church/temple). To be chosen is kind of an honour, and also bad luck. The bad luck part is that another girl might have been sacrificed, sparing you; the sacrifice itself is understood as necessary.
2. The fact that you were chosen this time, and not another girl, suggests you must have volunteered your body. The ways in which we're seen to volunteer are infinite: simply being there; being friendly, obedient or disobedient; what we wore, said or did; being of a certain physical type; being vulnerable; being resistant.
3. Female bodies are public property. Each of us is responsible for permitting or withholding access to our body (even as a child). Stolen access means we must have failed to protect ourselves.
4. Not every man is a rapist but any man could be. We are to treat all men with respect, give them the benefit of the doubt, while keeping our defences up - respectfully.
5. Sexual assault is almost inevitable. Our bodies are public property in a world of men who could be rapists; a world that requires female sacrifices. It's our duty to control men's actions by respectfully applying a complicated set of rules that don't work. Men are not responsible for this; they're simple souls and some are rapists.
6. We have all internalised these values to some extent. Every culture teaches them to girls and boys, from infancy, and continues to reinforce them through adult life.

This is thousands of years of culture, worldwide, and still ongoing. We are making progress quite quickly considering the strength of underlying myths, but in many cases we rightly suppose our complaints will be heard through the filter of patriarchy's rapist-friendly rulebook.

Here's the Law Commission (2023) battling with the judicial impact of the mythology and its rules: https://www.lawcom.gov.uk/views-sought-on-proposals-to-counter-effects-of-rape-myths-in-sexual-offence-trials/

Given your age at the time I’d still argue (not aggressively!) that you did report it. It was your parents duty to advocate for you. And that’s so often where people are failed. At the first step.

I spoke with the police about the incident with my DC and the interview was recorded so that he never has to go through it again. As I understood it, it will be filed if someone else comes forward with a similar allegation then it can be taken further.

@Vettrianofan I was about to say “your poor DC” but he’s not “poor” at all, he’s really lucky to have you !

X

@Vettrianofan thank you for that- that's one reason why I do think it's important that people report- even if it can go no further due to lack of evidence or whatever- you may help another person down the line who does have evidence .

I have been on Mumsnet a long time, and there is frequently threads like this and I just want to say thank you to all you amazingly brave women because without reading stories like these... as terrible as it that there are so many.... without threads like these I would never have realised that all the things that happened to me as a kid/teenager were not my fault. I didn't ask for it, I didn't deserve it, it was just my seriously bad fortune to be surrounded by so many sick individuals who think they can get away with this stuff. And the people who were meant to be looking after me didn't do their jobs properly and turned a blind eye.
It wasn't my fault. I wish I could go back to my younger self and tell her that x

Report. Report. Report to the authorities including the Police.

I know it's hard. I know some people have had extremely negative experiences in doing so. But lots of people don't have those experiences.

But there's a rhetoric on forums that society and the criminal justice system don't care about rape or sexual assault.

I think they mostly do care and the idea perpetuated by forums like MN that rape is all but decriminalised and there's no point in even reporting it is damaging.

Report. Even if you don't get the outcome that you would like or seems appropriate, report. And if it doesn’t result in the outcomes you wanted, complain.

Yes it's shit that victims are trying to change things but that's still better than victims not reporting, doing nothing and thinking the system is screwing them over.

I didn't report, over 30 years ago now. I was 17. I didn't want anyone to know and I still don't. He wouldn't have been caught and it would just have made everything worse.
It was bad enough without that additional cost to me.

@BonnyHonny

Even if you don't get the outcome that you would like or seems appropriate, report. And if it doesn’t result in the outcomes you wanted, complain.

This is so minimising and dismissive towards what victims go through. The price they pay.

Are you familiar with the Semina Halliwell case for example?

I know you mean well so I’m going to be kind in my response to you.

Please stop trying to emotionally blackmail other victims of sexual assault into reporting what happened to us. Some people would literally not survive being re-traumatised by the questioning and cross-examination that we would be subjected to. It’s okay to protect yourself and your mental health by not reporting.

BonnyHonny might mean to “at least log with police”, doesn’t necessarily mean you take it further but just log for future reference

for me personally it’s good point , definitely worth “logging”

taking further is another matter

No.

Nobody should have to subject themselves to being scrutinized about whether or not they "enjoyed" having sex with their rapist. Nobody should have to be ostracized by a community because their rapist was respected in their community. Nobody should have to keep their trauma at surface level because their rapist's trial has been postponed and elongated for years because of insufficient evidence. Nobody should have to report their sexual abuse to the police when the abuser is a police officer.

If a victim of sexual assault is scared or does not want to come forward, they should absolutely not have to report.

Well I will certainly not be allowing my teenage daughters to have lessons with a male driving instructor after reading this thread 😔

I haven't reported incidents twice, once because I shouldn't have been where I was and thought I'd "led him on" despite the fact I was 16 and he was 40 and looking back now it was a classic case of grooming. He actually drugged me a couple of times and I still have no clue what went on while I wasn't conscious.

The other time I was 15 and the boy was about 18, we were at a house party and he cornered me in the hallway, shoved his tongue down my throat and within a second or two his fingers were inside me, I remember feeling so weak at the time because I couldn't push him off at all, I couldn't even get my face away from him. The whole thing probably lasted 30 seconds or so because someone came out of the other room and he jumped back instantly. I remember just wanting to forget about it and a distinct feeling that no one would have believed it wasn't consensual.

I was also a victim of DV when I was an adult, he was convicted of several physical violence crimes but he was found not guilty of the sexual assaults on me. The jury believed he beat me up but not that he raped me.

Oh and being cross examined about being raped was one of the worst things I've ever been through, including all the abuse. It was horrific and I'd never willingly do it again.

Thank you. It's been a huge revelation, we were in total shock. I have blamed myself for allowing him freedom at that age to play outdoors with others. I played outdoors at that age, as did DH. DC confided in a teacher at school, and then the police had to be involved. He didn't have to do the interview but was advised it would save him having to repeat his ordeal again to anyone else in future, should any other victims come forward. It's highly unlikely due to criminal age of responsibility at that time was 8 (the boy was 7). He revealed a girl of a similar age was possibly assaulted by the same individual. No idea if this was followed up. I told my DC to tell the police everything he knows. DC has ongoing counselling privately. Has a great rapport with the counsellor. He says he needs it. It has skewed his whole view of the world. He hates gay people. Anything to do with LGBTQ stuff etc.

I don't know if this counts but I have been thinking about it recently and wondering if the uncomfortable feeling I had meant something. I had music lessons from the age of seven. I got to leave lessons which made me feel special. All I remember is that he used to tickle me with the excuse of making sure I was using my diaphragm.I remember at times pretending that I was sick so I didn't have to go to school and see him but I didn't know why.

Occasionally he would let me down when it came to exams after promising he would be there for me and would never let me down. In retrospect it feels like he wanted me to need him.

My lessons continued until I was 15. He told me that I could move in with him and his wife to go to a university near him. I used the excuse that I was busy with GCSE's as a way to get out of lessons.

Many years later, maybe 10 years, he contacted me on Facebook. Fake name, fake photo. He sent me a PM saying that he had never forgotten me and always thought of me. I checked out his friends. All his previous, young and female pupils. I blocked him. But I've always wondered. As a child I knew I was uncomfortable but I didn't know why

It definitely counts. I'm sorry

When I was 16 I met a 32yo online in the chatrooms that were not heavily vetted or moderated like technology is nowadays. He was American, coming to the UK to visit the following week and wanted to meet me. I kept closing down the PM window but then another popped up again with him pleading with me to meet him. I gave in. He didn't rape me even though he encouraged me to take off my clothes in the B&B room, then whilst waiting on my bus to go home he sexually assaulted me. I didn't report this as at that time I thought he was my boyfriend (!) How stupid. I didn't even know him. But it made sense to my 16yo self back then. I never reported him. I still think what an idiot I was. Have never forgotten it. He was off meeting a 16yo back in the States the following week. I didn't know it then but this was a classic case of being groomed.

I just wanted to add my story. So many of us have been violated. We just didn't know how to articulate ourselves then. Or would we have been believed if we did speak out?

Thank you for starting this thread OP. It's healing in a way writing it all down.