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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave 16 and nearly 14 year old at home alone two nights?

125 replies

HowNice23 · 17/09/2023 11:52

I have to go away when my children would normally be at their dads but he may be in the same position of having to go away so we may have a bit of a problem. It's a Friday night til Sunday night situation so they wouldn't have to worry about getting out to school or whatever they could just chill like they usually do, I could leave a full fridge etc.

Not something I've ever done but it strikes me they are probably old enough and I don't think they'd be too phased. But I feel unsure...

YANBU - don't worry about it just leave the fridge full
YABU - I wouldn't for X or Y reasons.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 17/09/2023 15:39

I left mine alone for one night when they were 16 and 11. They were absolutely fine but I could trust them to be okay together and they knew they could rely on our neighbours if there was an issue.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 15:57

Minight · 17/09/2023 15:38

"My point was that sixteen year olds are perfectly capable of raising children, running households and working."

They really aren't! The numbers of 16yos successfully working full time, running a household and having kids must be absolutely miniscule. Most teenage parents need very significant support, and even then are very vulnerable.

This is not to say a 16yo couldn't be left overnight, but that comment feels like quite a stretch.

I didn't actually say they could do all three at the same time Wink

But considering that sixteen year olds can (and do) live alone, this level of drama over going away for two nights seems utterly batshit to me.

I would go so far as to say that if your sixteen year old couldn't cope with something like this, then something has gone very wrong somewhere.

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/09/2023 15:58

If they are sensible and get on ok then I think its fine.

thesugarbumfairy · 17/09/2023 16:01

Tricky. Mine are the same age and there is no way I'd leave them together for the weekend on their own. But it does depend on the children and also the backup situation.

Lastchancechica · 17/09/2023 16:15

Genuinely how many 16 yr old child mothers do we know living entirely alone with their newborn babies?!

I am not sure it would be acceptable here in the U.K., they would most likely be living in supported housing with plenty of intervention and support. At 16 legally they are still a child, and parents have a legal obligation to look after them
until adulthood.

I can’t believe you would consider leaving a 13 yr all weekend without an adult op. Ridiculous. You have no idea whether the older child will stay in! They could be left alone all night for the whole weekend.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 17/09/2023 16:15

I don't think this is definitely okay or definitely not okay because different kids have different levels of maturity at that age. Have you got a friend locally who would be willing to be on call in case of an emergency?

Takacupokindnessyet · 17/09/2023 16:16

Id leave a sensible 16 yo but not 14yo

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 16:18

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 15:27

My point was that sixteen year olds are perfectly capable of raising children, running households and working.

So why are posters on this thread treating them as though they're complete idiots who are incapable of using an oven and locking a door?

Show quote history

They aren't though and that doesn't happen in this country. A 16 year old can't legally rent a property alone, a 16 year old with a baby would either be living with parents or in a supported accommodation unit.

BananaSlug · 17/09/2023 16:26

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 16:18

They aren't though and that doesn't happen in this country. A 16 year old can't legally rent a property alone, a 16 year old with a baby would either be living with parents or in a supported accommodation unit.

Show quote history

Maybe not now but they definitely could
in the past! I had a flat at 16

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/09/2023 16:30

Used to leave mine alone for up to 14days from 14 and 17, with a long list of rules. Mostly OK. On one occasion younger DS invited a dozen friends for football and sleepover - in direct contradiction of the rules - had to call neighbour (a friend of mine) when one broke his nose. It was a valuable lesson to him, one which he benefited from, of how easily things can spin out of control. So no regrets. If they’re going to make mistakes, better to do so when they’re safe at home. Feel it was better that the first party he was responsible for was that one, and not his first uni houseparty.

Lastchancechica · 17/09/2023 16:34

MereDintofPandiculation · 17/09/2023 16:30

Used to leave mine alone for up to 14days from 14 and 17, with a long list of rules. Mostly OK. On one occasion younger DS invited a dozen friends for football and sleepover - in direct contradiction of the rules - had to call neighbour (a friend of mine) when one broke his nose. It was a valuable lesson to him, one which he benefited from, of how easily things can spin out of control. So no regrets. If they’re going to make mistakes, better to do so when they’re safe at home. Feel it was better that the first party he was responsible for was that one, and not his first uni houseparty.

Is this post supposed to be in support of leaving young teens to fend for themselves for TWO weeks??

I would have called social services.

Having your nose broken is not a life lesson, it’s shit parenting! What terrible neglect.

Lastchancechica · 17/09/2023 16:35

BananaSlug · 17/09/2023 16:26

Maybe not now but they definitely could
in the past! I had a flat at 16

Show quote history

Oh yes back in the 1900s

Peakypolly · 17/09/2023 16:37

I would not hesitate to do so.

gogomoto · 17/09/2023 16:40

I left mine at 17&15 but my younger is super responsible so I worried less about her than her sister. Had next door neighbours who knew we were away so could step in if an emergency occurred and family 30 miles away

Cowlover89 · 17/09/2023 16:50

It's perfectly fine. They're not too young at all

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 17/09/2023 16:54

Beezknees · 17/09/2023 16:18

They aren't though and that doesn't happen in this country. A 16 year old can't legally rent a property alone, a 16 year old with a baby would either be living with parents or in a supported accommodation unit.

Show quote history

It might not happen now but it certainly happened in the past. I had friends living alone at 16 back in the early noughties.

What's happened in the last 20 years that means teenagers are so incapable?

LegoRobot · 17/09/2023 16:55

They aren't though and that doesn't happen in this country. A 16 year old can't legally rent a property alone, a 16 year old with a baby would either be living with parents or in a supported accommodation unit.

It certainly does happen. I didn't have a baby but I was living in a flat on my own with no support when I was 16. Social services refused to help me because I was already 16. Still doing GCSEs so not entitled to any financial help as I was a full time student so had to find and pay for it myself. I'm in my 30s so not that long ago!

BananaSlug · 17/09/2023 16:56

Lastchancechica · 17/09/2023 16:35

Oh yes back in the 1900s

Show quote history

Nope this was 2005. 🤷‍♀️

BananaSlug · 17/09/2023 16:57

I don’t know why people think it didn’t happen? It was common when I was young for parents to kick their 16 year olds out so the council would house them. That’s exactly what my mum did with me I had no choice in the matter. Got given a council flat at 16.

LegoRobot · 17/09/2023 16:58

BananaSlug · 17/09/2023 16:57

I don’t know why people think it didn’t happen? It was common when I was young for parents to kick their 16 year olds out so the council would house them. That’s exactly what my mum did with me I had no choice in the matter. Got given a council flat at 16.

You were lucky! I didn't even get help from the Council. Similar time as well.

easilydistracted1 · 17/09/2023 16:59

I think a mature 16 would be fine alone. But wouldn't leave a 13 year old in their charge too. If its Dad's weekend why isn't he sorting it out?

BananaSlug · 17/09/2023 16:59

I know loads of people that were housed by the council so no not lucky 🤷‍♀️

TomatoSoupIsLikeVampiresBlood · 17/09/2023 16:59

Stimpend · 17/09/2023 12:25

16 year old potentially, but not in charge of a 13 year old.

I agree.

anunlikelyseahorse · 17/09/2023 17:10

16 fine, 14 it depends, only you know your children.
I think the bigger question is; will you spend your time worrying, if it's a work will you be able to concentrate or will you be spending your time worrying about your kids?
If it's a family event, will you be able to relax and enjoy yourself? If it's a funeral you need to go to, will you be able to support the grieving or will you you struggle to be emotionally available due to worrying about your teens?
I wouldn't leave 14 dd, but she has SEN. Ds isn't 14, but I'd have no issues leaving him once he's 14, and he's very sensible, and would know what to do in an emergency.

Lastchancechica · 17/09/2023 17:35

Fast forward 15 years it would not be legal to leave an unsupported minor in a council house on their own with a newborn!

Its is at moments like this when I am simultaneously relieved such progress had been made regarding safe guarding vulnerable youngsters, and horrified that some people seem to still live in the dark ages, where broken noses are considered ‘life lessons’

Raise your bar a little op. Your youngest is clearly too young to leave, and your eldest is untested. It’s these very situations when a tragedy happens and people say where were the parents. You are still legally and morally responsible for them and will be for years.

This is not your problem either ex dh will need to think of a solution or pack them off to a relative, or you can take dc with you,