To not make Christmas dinner dairy free??

[Bellyblueboy]

Very early I know! I cater Christmas dinner every year for my family. I am single and child free but I host for my parents, brother, sister and their families. My parents stay with me for a few nights. It’s a lot of work.

My nine year old nephew was diagnosed as lactose intolerant this year. So of course I will be researching this and making sure his starter, main and desert is lactose free. I even thought of putting little flags in bowls that are lactose free. I was going to order little flags with a picture of a cow crossed out! Make it fun.

my SIL has said it will be unfair if there is food on the table that he can’t eat so the whole meal has to be dairy free.

I order Black Forest gateau every year - my parents love it. Apparently no. He never eats it - I get kid friendly deserts for the four children.

I am a lazy cook - I get the whole meal from marks and Spencer! Prepared mash the lot. I am now told I can’t do this as there are milk products in the mashed and roast potatoes. It would be a huge amount of work to do everything from scratch, I don’t want that to be my Christmas Day and my cooking skills aren’t up to it.

I have said no - this is what I am doing. My brother is now annoyed that i won’t bend to his wife’s demands and have ruined Christmas. I had said he is welcome to come to my house and do the cooking, or host. Or eat at his house then come for coffee and presents. He has told on me! My mum is upset that she won’t have all her family round her at Christmas - dad was ill this year and they have been looking forward to a relaxing Christmas! Agh. It’s only September.

rant over. But honestly give it to me straight am I a selfish child hating spinster! Would you all accommodate this???

Personally, I prefer to think of the mega rancid farts as a superpower.

We have people in our family that are dairy free and some only lactose intolerant , I can buy lastose free milk and cheese and even cream for them and the the dairy free have alternatives . No one is ever expects everyone to have vegan food .

If they want the dinner made in a certain way, they're more than welcome to make it.

I par boil my potatoes then drain ,bash against the saucepan sides for fluffiness, roll in polenta and plain flour and add to a pan of hot oil. They are divine. No need for anything dairy there.
I don't add butter or milk to mash. If you absolutely have to then could you make some for him that doesn't have those things in.

No. You’re already being very thoughtful.

He’s going to have to deal with this his whole life, so his family need to start setting realistic expectations so he knows how to navigate all future scenarios.

Just a guess but do you earn significantly more than your brother and SIL? Either individually or combined?

I think there might be some elements of jealousy/ taking your down a peg from them. Given the cold hearted childless comments.

Today on Mumsnet - someone accused of being ableist because they’re not making an entire meal for 12 dairy free for one person with a lactose intolerance 🙄

Honestly OP you sound like a wonderful, generous aunty, you seem to give more of a hoot about your nephew’s diet than his own dad! Definitely seems there is something more at play here, why would he be so insistent to make your life more complicated while contributing nothing and sponging off your hospitality for years in a row? I’m sorry you’re being treated this way after going out of your way all these years for the family.

Mother just off the phone. In bloody tears.

I have said it’s only September. Christmas is a long way away. I won’t be upset if she goes to brother for Christmas- we won’t fall out over this!

brother hasn’t offered to do Christmas of course and is simply saying I need to have no dairy. Apparently he and his family are coming to mine for Christmas because he doesn’t want the children to miss out, they love it and want fireworks again. But he wants me to know he is not happy🤣😂.

noted.

Oh and coconut milk separated into the goop and the water ( just whisk the white goop) makes amazing whipped cream which is far nicer than actual whipped cream and much lighter ( so you can eat lots more ). No more hassle than whipping cream.
I do however absolutely agree that ,if they want to do things a particular way, then things need to change. A different Christmas needs to happen that doesn't put everything on you.

Does your mum know your brother doesn’t contribute anything to this 3 day feast? Sounds like you’re absolutely bending over backwards to accommodate everybody and I would stick to your guns on this one. Why should your plans for the entire meals revolve around one intolerance, when you’re already providing plenty of suitable foods for your nephew?

If your brother decides to come, I would also make a point in the WhatsApp group of asking what everyone will be bringing, so you can ‘cross it your your list’.

I wouldn’t engage with any of them any more. They know what’s on offer. Just make it crystal clear it’s not changing, not up for discussion and give them a deadline for numbers.

Your family are ungrateful and so unreasonable. I have a DC with a dairy allergy (allergy not intolerance) and I (and she) would never expect the rest of the family not to eat dairy.
You sound like such a caring Auntie. My DC loves that her auntie gets in dairy free special treats. As long as she gets something it doesnt matter if it isn't exactly the same as everyone else.
I can't imagine this performance for an allergy that isn't airborne, let alone an intolerance.

Apparently he and his family are coming to mine for Christmas because he doesn’t want the children to miss out,

or because he’s lazy sod who know how much hard work and expense it is and can’t be arsed to do it himself.

Tell brother that unless he can accept your invitation more graciously and express proper gratitude for your efforts, he can plonk his Friday face down at someone else's table. Nephew, on the other hand, is always welcome.

I'd reassure your mother, not to worry, you'll be buying her a backbone for Christmas this year.

OP, just read your latest update. Stick to your guns, your house, your table, your catering, .

They cannot expect a dairy free table, and your later updates stating that their house is not 100% dairy free, makes their demands even more ridiculous.

Dairy free alternatives is great, including some sweets/chocs etc, but the rest of you should be able to eat what you want.

It doesn't matter that much to them that they want to cater themselves does it?

I'm wheat free.

I eat what I can from the table. I bring my own yorkshires etc if I can be bothered to cook them!

I bring my own Freeform xmas pud.

I don't expect someone hosting to make the whole meal free from wheat.

But you can probably get some free from stuff from m and s to stick in oven like potato's and a pudding.

Just tell everyone you're now a vegetarian, nut roast all round. Job done.

Was it your mother in tears, or you?

Either way hugs for having such a ridiculous family.

You offered to make him his own starter main and dessert. You are not the one being unreasonable

You're nicer than me. I'd have told them they're no longer invited.

Oh just ignore them all. Do what you proposed in your original post, no more and no less. Everyone will be healthy and have a lovely Christmas time. Your BIL/SIL just want to throw their weight around, want the attention. What a waste of bloody energy. I would also be dropping hints about going away next year because it's all just too much every year and you want a break, give them a year to make alternative arrangements. (Having said that, Christmas in NY isn't all that. It's pretty grim actually. Best is to go around Dec 20th for 3 nights to get in the spirit/get easy reservations/ see the lights and do some shopping, then come home to celebrate on the 25th at someone else's house. Maybe take your nephews and nieces with you!).

It sounds like they're coming for dinner either way based on your latest update. I would message again in October to confirm prior to ordering the food. Just leave it for now.

To be honest, it sounds like CF brother wants an easy life (i.e. not to host) but that he needs to act like a big man by standing up for his CF wife on the phone to his sobbing DM (again, for an easy life). I bet they thought you would back down. Good for you OP.

Oh FFS read the OP's posts at least. She IS providing dairy free alternatives for her nephew, including separate roast and mashed potatoes. What she is not doing is cooking an entirely dairy free meal for everyone. Which is her absolute right as the host. Anyone who doesn't like that can do the catering. Funnily enough the entitled brother and SiL don't fancy that option...

Shop bought mashed tato on Christmas day?

Just skip it this year. Seems an odd choice

Nothing in an xmas dinner has dairy? Bread sauce maybe but he can skip that

Id do the gateau as planned but provide something else for kid

He must come up against this all the time. At parties, friends houses, eating out, at school. Christ even home. Has the whole family cut out dairy forever?

They're making a big fuss out here f nothing

Your little flag system is ableist and shows how little empathy

Eh? Often when I eat out my food comes with a flag saying allergen or GF or whatever.

How is indicating a food has an allergen or not for someone with intolerances or allergies anything other than helpful?