Will my child get harder work before it’s easier? Feeling DREADFUL

[Lintelf]

I have an 11 month old. Last month has frankly been fucking awful. I do wonder if I’m just not cut out for motherhood. It’s constant, I can’t do a thing for myself ever. My partner is never around, that’s another issue, please don’t say he should be doing more etc, I know that, he doesn’t and won’t and I intend to leave him soon.

But will this get easier soon? My brother has said when they’re walking it’s actually worse and more draining. I don’t think I will cope.

Some people with older kids love to say stuff like this. The stage they are in is always so much harder than the stage you are in.

IME both of my kids were really frustrated when they couldn't walk and got a lot easier once they could. Same with talking.

Deep breath- different people find different stages easier or harder. (just entering the teenage “no” stage - although him being taller and stronger than me is useful in the supermarket)

do you work - if not can you go back to work? Use childcare, this at least will put you in a stronger position if your relationship is ending.

kids are tough at all stages, but a child that sleeps and you can have a conversation with is a lot easier as far as I’m concerned.

I found it got easier once I started getting some time to myself to breath - so at 2 when the DC start doing a few hours a week at preschool.

Do you have a support network? Friends from antenatal classes or baby groups who are at the same stage as you? My mum buddies kept me sane in the early years. And provided gin and laughter!

Is DP around enough that you can get out the house for an hour or two or three in the evening once or twice a week when the little one is down?

It’s bloody hard but you will get through it. Being in a shitty relationship and just the massive transition from not being a mum to being a mum are both huge pressures which you are baring. Cut yourself some slack and take it one day at a time. It will get better.

It does get easier I promise you! There are still ups and downs, of course. However, it truly does get easier bit by bit.

I found it much much easier with every new thing they could do.

If you hate the baby and toddler years, you will love the older stages, I promise..

It does get easier, it really does.

Every flipping minute seemed like an hour until 3 for me.

By 5 it was a joy.

It gets so much easier, by the time they are 3 you will be having a much much easier time. This phase feels endless while you're in it, but it will end. Just focus on surviving each day and grabbing any chances you get for micro- breaks

Walking stage has been soo much easier as mine is a VERY active, demanding, and an impatient child. Now he can actually get on with things himself a little bit (still stage 5 clinger though!)
He doesn't stop but at least he doesn't demand me for it all the time. Don't listen to anyone

Yes, I found things got easier once DD could walk and communicate more effectively. You'll probably start to feel like you are getting more back from this whole parenting malarkey soon. Good luck x

People find different things difficult at the end of the day OP, try to ignore the “helpful” comments. Kids are also very different. I had a dream baby with my first, he only cried if something was seriously wrong. My second baby screamed her lungs out over nothing and wanted to be held constantly, but only by me. It sounds like your baby is more like my second experience and she became much much easier when she learned to walk and eventually speak. It’s like she couldn’t cope with not being able to go where she wanted and she just wanted to make her wishes known.

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, just take it one hour at a time and allow yourself many treats to get through- always have something to look forward to ie “oooh tonight my program starts” or “I’m having the Galaxy bar later”. ♥️ Little things but they do help you get through.

It does get easier bit by bit. I have DS 14mo who is a pain because he’s soooo mobile but has no sense of self preservation so half my day is retrieving him from somewhere unsafe he’s climbed.
DD is 3 now and is significantly easier in comparison and I can actually do things when it’s just me and her, like cook dinner. When it’s me and DS it’s much harder because I have to stop every 2 minutes to redirect him.

I remember that stage being hard. They’re frustrated all the time (and heavy!)

For me personally (I know this isn’t everyone’s experience) it got easier with every year (and they’re nearly at uni now)

Hang in there.

In some senses once they are walking it is harder because you have to watch them like a hawk. Mine thought it was the most brilliant game to run off at random moments. In addition, they start climbing on things and can seriously hurt themselves if for example you don’t watch them like a hawk and they scale a bookcase or up on the kitchen counter or their window and fall. Lots of heart in mouth moments. They get into everything- no drawer or cabinet is safe unless you put a child lock on it.

So yes that bit is harder.

But in a lot of ways it also gets easier because their communication gets alot better. You can say “no” or ‘wait” and they will understand. While they usually can’t do a sentence until age two, they will know how to say yes or no (nod or shake head) and say one word things so it’s easier to know what they want or need at that age.

I found mine easier once they got to about 2. They could toddle around and communicate a bit. They got more out of days out and trips to the park.

Children are hard work. At all stages. But the type of hard work changes. It is absolutely constant, you’re right. And no you do not get any time for yourself unless you build it in deliberately. Most people do this by sharing the load with their partner. That is what is making it harder for you.

leave him sooner and then on his contact days and nights you get a break.

Some people are baby people, some aren't. I was really really miserable on maternity leave - hated the relentless misery of being at home with a baby all the time. I only coped by being out of the house as much as possible and getting breaks.

Do you work? Going back to work was a turning point for me as it meant I had 3 days away from her which made the time with her more interesting/fun. I regret not going back at six months instead of waiting the full year.

I found it gets easier each year - walking helped as she could get to the things she wanted rather than being frustrated. Her developing more skills helped. She's now a very funny and delightful little person at school who I enjoy spending time with. But I wouldn't do the baby year ever again!

Top tip - does your local leisure centre have a crèche? Mine would take them from six months so could book in for two hours then go and sit in the cafe with a book!

Things are difficult in different ways - toddlers are exhausting as you need eyes in the back of your head, but they are also hilarious chatty little things, with a real personality. Preschoolers I found to be a lovely age, but you will get roped into “Mummy let’s play! You can be a dog. No, don’t do that, go and sit over there and bark. No! Not like that!” games.

Primary school is great because they are independent (mine can get his own drinks and snacks with permission, shower, dress and brush his teeth by himself etc) but my god he talks non-stop and wants my attention 100% of the time, and is also pushing social boundaries (no DS, you may not call me “bruv” even if you call all your friends that in school). Haven’t done teenage years yet, but I imagine there are similar positives and negatives.

I’m really not a fan of babies, but as soon as my eldest could communicate a bit she was a dream. She’s still challenging at just turned 3 but I would happily keep her at this age forever. I have a 16 month old and I’m excited for him to get to that point - I reckon by the time he’s 2 things will be so much easier, based on how things were with his sister.

It totally depends on the person and the children in question tbh. Before kids I thought I’d love the baby stage (they’re so portable! They just need feeding and changing!) and hate the toddler stage (Tantrums! Independent wants! Having to go to Peppa Pig World instead of going out for a fancy lunch with a sleeping baby!). As it is I hated the baby stage (no sleep! All the screaming! Not having a chance to shower!) and love the toddler stage (A tiny little friend with weird ideas! Watching them learn! Seeing the world through their eyes!)

(I still think Peppa Pig World is hell on earth but I’ve made my peace with it 😂)

It gets better OP. And I know it’s not what you’ve asked for advice on but I reckon if your partner is useless it’ll get a lot better once you’ve ditched them and you can focus solely on you and baby.

Yep my 11.5mo is like this. No sense of danger but been walking from 10mo and is an avid bloody climber too so on constant tenterhooks about how high he's going to get and how far he's going to fall🫣

My ds was such an easy smiley baby. He's 3 now and it's definitely hard work.

DS1 got massively easier the minute he could walk. He was so frustrated, cross and clingy around age 1. We also had the mother of all sleep regressions that resolved with walking. Apart from the newborn stage I don’t think there was a worse period then 9-15 ish months to be honest.

Every parent's definition of 'easier' is different, OP, but what it will become is 'different', and there's a huge chance it'll be different in a positive, better way. Someone said to me when mine were small, "People will tell you, it's OK, x, y, z is 'just a phase', as if once that 'phase' is over it's all easy from that point. But once you accept that having children is just lots of different phases following on from each other, it's a bit easier to accept it"

OK, maybe my friend was a bit optimistic 😅 But she was sort of right. This phase right now is challenging, but the next (walking, maybe) may well be more fun, easier to cope with, or just less challenging in some other way compared to now.

It won't always feel like this OP - and I bet you'll find things a lot easier without a useless DP dragging you down too.

I found it quite stressful when they could crawl and wanted to be down and moving all the time, but you couldn't really let them except at home. I think it depends what you're finding relentless. I'm also better working part time than being at home all the time, I think. Different people find different parts and ages hard. Newborn was the worst for me, but lots of people love it.

Basically it'll change and some things will be easier and others harder, but it won't be this current kind of difficult at least.

Your brother is probably bitching about having to interact with a little person, rather than leave it all to Mummy, so I wouldn't pay him any heed at all myself.

You're at the tail end of the utter dependency stage - over the next few months, your baby is becoming a toddler with the ability to communicate thoughts, ideas, opinions beyond I'm Unhappy But Can't Tell You Why and to begin to do things for herself (or at least try). She'll begin to start to make sense of the world and all the magic it has to offer her - and being with her can be an absolute joy instead of a permanently long, hard slog when that happens.

It's likely almost 90% being stuck with an arsehole that's destroying your confidence and ability to find any lovely moments as well.

I loved the bit that's just around the corner for you - it's where you become a Magic Person who gets to show them the world and everything good about it. That's not to say it's perfect, but it's more rewarding in my opinion.

Would it feel right for you to have a part time job, a couple of days a week? If you can find childcare until a couple of hours after work so you don't have to rush straight back, that also gives you a little bit of time where you aren't having to please anybody but yourself, as well.

@blahblahblah1654 in what was is it harder?