Will my child get harder work before it’s easier? Feeling DREADFUL

[Lintelf]

I have an 11 month old. Last month has frankly been fucking awful. I do wonder if I’m just not cut out for motherhood. It’s constant, I can’t do a thing for myself ever. My partner is never around, that’s another issue, please don’t say he should be doing more etc, I know that, he doesn’t and won’t and I intend to leave him soon.

But will this get easier soon? My brother has said when they’re walking it’s actually worse and more draining. I don’t think I will cope.

For us so far (3yo dd), literally every month has been easier than the last, starting from birth. It just gets easier.

You sound stressed. What's he doing that's making it hard for you?

I promise it gets easier. You've probably had a tough day/week. Go easy on yourself.

Don't listen to your Brother. That's his experience. When they're walking they're much easier as they're more independent.

Agree with PPs, people find different stages easy/hard. Depends on the child and the parent. I've known plenty of tricky babies that are wonderful toddlers and it turned out they were just frustrated which went away when they could walk. Vice versa plenty of easy baby's became tricky toddlers.

Could you list some of the specific issues you're finding? Maybe people could help troubleshoot for you? I do often see mum's holding way too high of a bar and doing all the things all the time for their babies and kids. Not saying that's your case necessarily. But the people doing this often do it at the detriment to themselves. Parenting is a constant balancing act of needs and wants. Kids who have always been put first in all things aren't likely to have healthy boundaries and may well struggle more with empathy. So taking time for yourself is also a valuable life lesson for a child.

it gets SO MUCH easier with every year. The first two years are so tough. But you can do it. If you have the energy, get a little notebook and start writing any of the funny things your baby says or does. They will start to outweigh the bad stuff as he gets older and it’s cheering to look back on. But if you feel like you really aren’t coping please see your GP for advice.

It gets different.
But which bit you find hardest is totally dependant on you and your child.
Personally, newborn was the worst - but I had a non sleeper. Potty training was also a low point. For me, preschool age onwards has been great - younger teens now.

Walking is easier because when your dc screams "I Want Teddy" you can just say "OK go fetch it then, it's over there".

Glorious moment of liberation.

Every month has moments like these ime

@Lintelf he didn't crawl until 11 months and walk until 16 months. Stayed in once place! Slept like an angel. He's super clingy and high energy now. Still lovely and a good sleeper though! Lots of friends had it the other way round though. Harder babies and easier toddlers.

You'll get people coming on here saying just you wait until they walk, just you wait until they're teenagers and other unsupportive BS. Maybe that was true for them, I strongly suspect a lot of people remember things differently, needing to validate their parenthood choices or perhaps just have very different personalities to me. And yes like you I had to do a lot of it alone due to DH's work which I imagine a lot of these people haven't experienced either (not all!).

For me, parenthood has progressively got easier with under 1 being the hardest stage. To me, there has been no stage hardest than the unrelenting needing to keep a baby alive, with very little reward because they can't communicate. The crying, the frustration, the guessing what was wrong, the fear around breaking routine, the sheer exhaustion. The older kids get, the better they can communicate, the easier it is to reason with them and rub along, and actually enjoy each other! Not saying it gets easy, of course there are new challenges at each and every stage, but for me, this bit is the worst bit.

Do not feel guilty, ignore anyone who gleefully tries to tell you "just you wait", this is the shittest bit and it'll get MUCH better.

I found the older my son got the easier it is. When my ex left me my son was a baby. It was fucking hard.
There were times I considered ending everything.
He is now 4 and it's still challenging but it's also so much easier. I get a decent amount of sleep each night

We have a good routine. I'm actually enjoying motherhood now but the first 3 years I absolutely hated

Things will get better. You got this! X

I found newborn to about 1 year easy. If only I’d known at the time it was the easy but for me! I’ve found age 1-2 HARD. Mainly because he’s always on the go. Curiosity and good gross motor skills do not allow me to sit on my backside like I enjoy doing 🤣 If he’s quiet, it means that he’s holding the toilet brush or has navigated his way around the stair gate. I found having a balance between being able to work/him in nursery and spending our days together doing family things kept me sane.

Every stage has its challenges, every stage passes, even the ones that feel like they will go on until the end of time itself.
Most things will feel easier once you've offloaded the useless man. Resentment/sadness/stress are massive energy drains and I imagine you are feeling all of these at times as you plan your exit. 💐
Also, get a playpen. My DS is a 13 month old climber but he's happy in his playpen, standing on soft play blocks to watch and wave at passers by out the window. Means I can shower/pee/cook/drink tea and know he's safe.

Honestly it does get easier. My ds is 14 months and was so grumpy, demanding and clingy, I felt like I was suffocating at times. Since he started walking in the last month, he's happier and I'm starting to enjoy him so much more now. His personality is starting to emerge (cheeky!) He makes me smile and laugh every day and he's just started to give kisses which is lovely. When you're in the trenches it feels like it will never end but one day it just does.

1. fathers experiences of what is easy varies greatly from mothers “ recollections may vary”…a lot of dads have it easy when babies are breastfeeding etc
2. imho, we all have certain stages of child rearing we find difficult and others we thrive on. And that’s different for each single parent. I hate the baby stage, love the toddler etc. but others are the other way round. The only certainty is that your child’s parenting needs change over time, and just when you’ve perfected your skills at one stage, they’ve moved on and you’re back in learner seat again.

With rt dp: you have to spell it out clearly what he needs to be responsible for- it also means you have to give up some control over how you think it should be done possibly ( if that’s a fear). unfortunately it’s very easy to slip into mum being primary carer longer term, because that is almost always what baby needs in early weeks. Many dads stand at sidelines waiting, then view subconsciously they’re redundant, and never “ see” when it’s time for them to then step up and proactively parent. Have a grown up conversation to work out who does what and when.

I think 12-18 months can be a hard age as there's frustration brewing due to not being able to walk or communicate. I do think every stage has its challenges. Certainly the teenage years cause the most heartache but is less physically draining.

You'll be fine!

Agree with others, it's all relative. If you find this stage awful then it will get better. I have 3 kids and for each child different times were worse. Plus your personality may better suited to different stages. I absolutely hate that smug 'if you think this is hard wait till.. ' BS. Or the 'at least you know where they are and you don't have to worry about them'. That to me screams of someone who is blaming their teen or young adult for their own anxiety and says more about them than you.

Try to take it day by day and not think too far ahead. Try to enjoy little moments- some little thing disappears when the next phase comes along.

Some bits get easier, other bits get harder, but I have found that generally the net of that is in an easier direction. You’ll get parents of teenagers telling you that you don’t know the meaning of hard parenting, they’re just expressing how tough they are finding it without thinking about the impact on you (which is a bit selfish but such is life) - it doesn’t actually mean anything in terms of how your individual child will develop and how you will cope.

I think it varies depending on the parent’s strengths/likes and the kid. For me, I found the baby stage relentless but not too hard, the child stage (4+) quite enjoyable, but the toddler stage in-between really challenging. Their old enough to have their own wants and not old enough to explain or reason with when they can't have it.

Other people I know have preferred different stages though, you may find you love the inquisitive toddler stage! And even if you do end up in a difficult stage, nothing last, in 6 month time you'll have a new range of challenges.

Also, do talk to health visitor and get assessed for PND.
I had that, it made everything so much harder to cope with, didn’t realise I had it till 13 weeks post natal

Nobody can say whether it will be easier or harder. Different parents find different stages easier than others. Some hate the newborn stage whilst others love it, some hate the toddler stage whilst others love it etc. It depends on what specific aspects of parenting you find hard. Plus it will depend on your baby’s personality and temperament etc, not all babies have the exact same needs in at every age.

The toddler stage is hard because they’re non stop and there’s so many more hazards that you have to watch out for because they can get into anything.

But I found it much easier because they are able to be a bit more independent.

You can baby proof your front room, put some toys in and stick on a cartoon whilst you sit there and have a few minutes to breathe.

You can also take them to the park or playgroups where they can make friends and tire them out a bit more.

Agree with many PP, under one (depending on the baby/parent) can be the bleakest, most soul destroying grind. I look back at my maternity leave and shudder with fear...it was the worst year of my life and I thought it would never end, every day felt interminable with extreme tiredness/anxiety/boredom mixed together. I also split up with mostly useless partner when child was 18 months.

Somehow I got through it and everything else has felt easier in comparison. I've now got a hormonal teen, but that just feels like a breeze as I can discuss things, and they can look after themselves, and sleep in...joy! I could cope from 1ish, started to enjoy parts of it from 3ish, and from school days on it's been continuously getting better. Dig deep just now, get help from wherever you can, and recognise that for you, and many others this really is the hardest bit. And if/when you split up you get time to yourself again (hopefully, if your xDP isn't a complete arse).

I have found the toddler stage much harder than the baby stage, but everyone’s different.

I found the constant need they have at that age hard work. The more independent they become the easier it gets. Even just at a mum and tots group when they can toddle off and play for 5 minutes is a relief.
My kids are teenagers and I think I’m actually enjoying this stage of parenting the most.

Sorry to hear you are finding things hard @Lintelf

I found the baby and early toddler years very hard! Like you say, it's absolutely constant. Even going on a short UK holiday was a bloody ordeal. I think I said we were never going on holiday ever again 😂

Once he got to 3, things became a lot easier. They can communicate better, are generally out of nappies, can walk further so no dragging a pram out and they can amuse themselves for a bit longer.

He's 9 now and again, these years between 5 and 9 have been very easy really. We even went abroad this summer, on a plane and had a great time.

So, there is hope!

Do you work? If not, can you look at going back? It may help you to have a bit of 'you' back, doing something other than being mummy. I practically danced back after maternity leave 😂

I know you are looking to leave your partner but do you have anyone else you can ask for support?