Will my child get harder work before it’s easier? Feeling DREADFUL

[Lintelf]

I have an 11 month old. Last month has frankly been fucking awful. I do wonder if I’m just not cut out for motherhood. It’s constant, I can’t do a thing for myself ever. My partner is never around, that’s another issue, please don’t say he should be doing more etc, I know that, he doesn’t and won’t and I intend to leave him soon.

But will this get easier soon? My brother has said when they’re walking it’s actually worse and more draining. I don’t think I will cope.

It’s so so hard when they are effectively toddlers but not walking. They are so angry and the world feels so cut off! Our local toddler group will only have them when they are walking but they can’t go to the baby group over 1, I was pulling my hair out!

Things I did with DS (who was truly awful at 11 months old and then became easy and cheerful when walking) included:
Sit on our local circular bus service looking out the window
Swimming
Baby groups where possible
Put him in his bike seat and cycle him around (he tolerated this way more than the pram)
Park in all weather to practice cruising/walk around holding hands (my back hurts just thinking about it)
Decant to friend’s house to drink wine tea and met the boddlers moan at each other and not us!

I think it gets a easier when they start to talk as it's easier to understand each other (although toddlers can be very unreasonable). DD walked late but we found it easier when she could walk, before then it meant going out anywhere she couldn't walk, playing she needed a lot of help etc

Oh gosh yes, my first especially was so frustrated and demanding and cross at 11-12 months. Improved after 12 and then loads from 18 months when could communicate more.

Has been a joy for the last 15 years since then!

I survived this bit by going to a toddler group every weekday morning. Staying in the house was just too grim.

The sort of group that costs £2 in a church hall and you get a cup of tea made by someone else and some people to commiserate with whilst someone else distracts your child.

It got us out of the house, by the time it was over it meant we'd managed to survive for half the day so halfway there, and it was reasonably cheap.

Also, avoid the type of people who say things like "Savour every moment, they're tiny for such a short time" as they make you feel rubbish and don't offer anything useful.

Totally agree @RidingMyBike 'Also, avoid the type of people who say things like "Savour every moment, they're tiny for such a short time" as they make you feel rubbish and don't offer anything useful'.

I went to (expensive) baby yoga once and it just tipped me into despair...I wanted to run out screaming after punching everyone with their smug cooing, and their gurgling babies, and fucking hippy sheepskins.

Happily I didn't and I'm sure they were all lovely, but that's where my head was - in a deep dark place with no idea of how to get out. I think I was grieving for my old life too. An empathetic doctor, anti-depressants, Rhyme Time (free) at the local library, and the swimming pool crèche saved me from totally losing it. Have you spoken to your doctor OP?

dealing with PND, a high maintenance baby, and a break up with no real support is just utterly shit...but I got there, and you will too. Take care and grab onto anything that can keep you afloat just now.

Another agreeing with @RidingMyBike

We went out every single morning during the week. Treat it like work. Time management. Plan your chunks of time.

we did church baby and toddler groups, baby sign language class, baby yoga, gym tots as they got to toddler age, an exercise class with prams, coffee morning, baby cinema sessions, swimming lessons weekly from 12 weeks old, messy play, rhyme time… A lot of what we did has gone with the Tory government. Sure Start centres were a constant source of entertainment.

First thing in the morning: breakfast.
Then: go out to an organised class
noon: make and eat lunch
afternoon: stories, singing, reading, nap time, cbeebies, walk
late afternoon: prepare dinner and eat.
after dinner: bath time bedtime hour.

chunk your time. Go out every day.

A wise friend with older children explained baby classes and groups to me - they're not for the babies, it's to give the mums something to do otherwise they'd go insane!

Also, avoid the type of people who say things like "Savour every moment, they're tiny for such a short time" as they make you feel rubbish and don't offer anything useful'.

but it is true. Although not every moment needs to be savoured. Some moments you just need to power through then block from your memory. I remember hearing the days are long but the years are short.

It is worth remembering every stage will pass. And fast. Terrible twos. Head strong threes. The constant and often last minute requests / demands of primary schools. The difficulties of high school. Everything passes.

But not everyone feels like that. I felt like punching someone who said the "days are long but the years are short" to me.

It's a really really unhelpful comment to make to someone who is struggling. I still remember the baby year as so awful and the time went so slowly it felt like several years. And that's from the perspective of having a junior school age child now. For a lot of people those early year(s) aren't short at all.

Ah OP I feel for you, it’s shit.

I found with both of mine ages 6mo-2 was a fucking relentless nightmare. But it DOES get better. It gets easier, and more fun.

100% agree with this.

my DD is in year 6 and we are looking at secondary options. So many other parents are weeping about how they’re getting old too quickly. I’m fucking DELIGHTED she’s getting older! In fact I can’t wait until they both bugger off to Uni and I can have my life and home back 🤣🤣 half-joking but the people who trot out ‘the years are short’ should be sentenced to forever having lukewarm baths and running out of toilet paper every time they have a poo.

Ages 0-1 was an absolute nightmare for me and it gradually got easier from there (kids currently 19, 17 and 12) so from my experience you've been through the worst of it. I found walking a turning point as they were far less frustrated.

I second the baby classes thing. There were several children's centres around the borough and I fucking knew those schedules off by heart; we went to a stay'n'play or church playgroup every damn day, and if it was further away so much the better, as I could kill some time walking while DC was fairly content in the buggy. That occupied half a day, then we only really had one other half day block to occupy with errands or park or whatever.

It does get harder but then it gets easier. I found around 18 months to maybe 2ish was very difficult with both of mine. You can't leave them for a second, they are very dangerous to themselves. Can walk very fast and even run so it's difficult to keep up with them. So more in a physical sense.

Everyone says 3 it gets easier but I'd say more like 3 and half it is much easier and both of mine had stopped tantrums (mostly) and were a lot calmer. So much easier. I can leave her alone playing to do things in the house. She still does stupid things occasionally like try to paint her nails or gets in to my make up but overall it's fine.

Even though I found 18 months onwards harder, it was also so much more fun and enjoyable. Both of mine were early talkers and I loved it when they cld talk. So funny some of the stuff they come out with.

My youngest is almost 4 and she has got so sweet in the last year. Always telling me she loves me and tells me I'm her precious little mummy 😂