Will my child get harder work before it’s easier? Feeling DREADFUL

[Lintelf]

I have an 11 month old. Last month has frankly been fucking awful. I do wonder if I’m just not cut out for motherhood. It’s constant, I can’t do a thing for myself ever. My partner is never around, that’s another issue, please don’t say he should be doing more etc, I know that, he doesn’t and won’t and I intend to leave him soon.

But will this get easier soon? My brother has said when they’re walking it’s actually worse and more draining. I don’t think I will cope.

I have 4dc, to be honest parenthood is like one big Instagram feed. People are usually either presenting the drama or the fake bliss.
Other people's experience is kind of irrelevant because they are not you and they do not have your particular child.
The most important things I think are:
*your feelings are valid, no matter what they are.
*don't worry about people who seem to be handling whatever stage you are in better than you. Most of us stress eat chocolate/cry behind a door/want to scream into a pillow sometimes.
*different children and the different stages aren't necessarily easier or harder but it depends on your child's personality and your needs. Like sleep, alone time, adult conversation etc.
*if you get chance for some me-time (grandparents/friends have baby) take it, and for the love of God don't spend it doing housework.
*find some honest friends. The difference between having people who will honestly share their experience and people who just make you feel like you are failing is absolutely huge.

You can do this OP

Yep definitely go back to work if you can! Just to get a cup of tea and go to the toilet in peace, plus have adult conversation!

It does get easier. My 11 and 8 year olds are infinitely easier to parent than my 3 and 5 year olds. I'm not going to tell you it's always perfect but their needs are different and they're less relentless than the younger ones. They can figure things out for themselves, regulate their emotions better and they're interesting to talk to!
Now, I may be backtracking on all of this when they become teenagers of course. For now though, they're very enjoyable to be around. Very little kids are exhausting.

I'm another who has found it steadily easier with time. Don't get me wrong, the toddler and preschool years try my patience like little else, but I'd still take that over the first year any time. I felt much more like myself and it wasn't as relentless.

Also, things sound very difficult with your relationship, don't underestimate how much that's weighing on you.

Pre-schoolers are bloody intense. I've lost count of the number of times I wanted to drop kick them up the garden and start smoking again. It gets easier as they get older but, in the meantime, you need to help more. Have a talk with family and see what options you have.

The "late baby" stage (10-14 months or so) was a real crapshoot. It gets so much easier. I get that all stages of raising children are challenging but sheer physical relentlessness of the first year is in a class if its own. You are still in the trenches at the moment and unsurprising knackered from parenting for a year without enough input from your partner. Mine was semi absent for much of the first year and I hear you, it's so exhausting and frustrating when you have literally no time for yourself. I have a two year old and my life is light years away from the sheer overwhelm of the baby stage. It really will get better soon 💐

I am not a baby or young toddler person. I make high maintenance clingy babies and it's just relentless, repetitive, boring physical work. I much prefer the primary-age years where my DC wash themselves, toilet themselves, dress themselves and make their own breakfast, and disappear into the distance with a friend and only come back when they're hungry. I love having real little humans who read books and watch TV and I can talk about the world with.

3 year olds are head strong.

I found that stage when they're not quite mobile but desperate to be very draining! With all 3 babies.

Walking is nice because you can take them out to spend some energy. And they're not screaming or making frustrated uh uh uh uhhhggh noises all day doing your head in 🙄

There are harder and easier stages but that's one of the worst IMO. My eldest is a teenager for context!

Each stage has its pitfalls and is harder or easier depending where they’re at. I personally found 3 vile. I had to go on antidepressants because Dd was such hard work all the time it was causing me to lose my mind a bit.

She’s nearly 7 now and omg once she went to school everything clicked and now life is very good. So it definitely does get easier!

Especially when they’re a bit more independent so they can dress themselves, wipe their own bums etc. It gets better, promise,

I think every parent find different stages easier and harder than others. I have found it all hard and like you wonder if I’m actually cut out to be a parent as I find it so draining.
I found newborn days hard as I had PND/PNA. I thought 1 was hard due to the longevity of sleep deprivation and a Velcro baby. She is 2 now and I’m finding this stage hard, tantrums, pushing boundaries, everything is a ‘NO!’, ongoing frustrations due to communication. Honestly found it all hard!
however I’m also now 32 weeks pregnant (it was unexpected but that’s life) and I keep telling myself if it was that truely horrendous so many of us wouldn’t do it multiple times.
you will look back and quickly forget the hard times and hopefully just remember all the joy. Being a parent is so difficult though. Give yourself a break x

Are you going back to work op?

I am dreading this! (I have a 7m old!)

Personally I think you’re at the hardest age and it will get better! I found the hardest age to be the age between crawling and walking. Once my eldest was walking I found it SO much easier to go out and do things (I found it hard with crawling because my eldest DC hated being “contained” so didn’t like being in the stroller etc unless asleep and obviously you can’t just let them crawl anywhere). Once DC was walking it opened up a lot more places we could go and then once they were talking and able to communicate their needs I found it got a lot easier too.
don’t get me wrong, each stage has its own downsides but I did find it easier as my DC could talk more and found parenting generally more enjoyable especially once we could have a basic conversation.

I found the first year really hard. Mentally and physically draining. Mine just cried and puked as young infants, then as they got older they whinged and screamed at everything, and were clearly very frustrated themselves. Didn't want to sit down and eat, didn't want to have nappies changed, didn't want to go in the car seat, or buggy, and bedtime was always a battle, it wasn't enjoyable. Once they could talk and walk, yes, physically it became harder in some ways, as having to stop them doing things they shouldn't be doing, and needing a constant eye on them, but the whinging and crying every two minutes made it much more bearable, and they seemed to tire themselves out easier, so bed and naps became easier, they understood basic instructions, and knew the reason they had to go in the car/buggy was to go somewhere fun (even Tesco is fun for one year olds!) They seemed to enjoy being able to understand things, and turned into very delightful toddlers, and children. I adore them now, but you'd have to pay me alot to go back to that first year of fresh hell. Good luck Op.

Thanks, I am honestly just hating it. I don’t know what to do with him?! The days are so long and if we don’t go out it’s worse, so then I end up spending money. So stressful.

For me, the older they got the easier!

Another one chiming in to say the baby/toddler stage is relentless and not everyone enjoys it and that’s fine.

I felt like those days were never going to end. I remember when my eldest was in her first year id wake up of a morning and feel like, I just can’t do this again today.

But you keep on going, and now she is 9 and she’s so much fun (if a bit cheeky) and it has honestly passed so quickly that it makes me sad sometimes.

Make him run and run and run.

Tire him out at every opportunity.

My oldest is 11. I wasn’t a fan of the baby and toddler years and found it got easier after age 3 as they got more independent. Now aged 11, my ds is funny, watches good tv with me and comes with me for runs. My daughter is 8 and comes with me to the theatre because we both love musicals. They’re so so much easier now and so fun. Although I know I have the dreaded teenage years to come! Hang in there op

They are all different. Some babies are hard work but sail through the terrible twos. Some are easy all the time, some are easy babies but harder toddlers and some are hard babies and toddlers.

You can’t compare your experience with others at all really.

Personally I found the older they got and the easier they could entertain themselves, the easier it got for me. By three they were really independant and life was immensely better.

My babies were enormous lumps who wanted carrying around all day. Everything was SO much easier once they were walking. I guess they needed more supervision, but it was actually fun! (and I wasn't so knackered from lugging them around 24/7.

If you are miserable in your relationship, everything will feel easier to bear once you've removed that burden xx

Every child is different. I had stages that I found hard with my first that were easier with my second. And times with my second that were totally different and harder than my first. My eldest didn't have terrible twos and my youngest did etc.

Having a shit partner who isn't really a partner doesn't help no matter what age they are though TBH.

Ps in terms of what to do:

A good playgroup with like-minded mums is an absolute life saver. But be prepared to try a few before you find The One.

Library - indoors, free.

Park/playground/woods. Decent waterproofs for both of you, don't stress yourself about dirt, kids get muddy, just strip everything off as soon as you get in the door.

Also, you probably spend a good chunk of the day trying to stop the baby doing annoying things (emptying cupboards, bashing stuff, unfolding laundry etc). If you can find a way to let him do a version of these sorts of things that he wants to do, he'll stay occupied for ages. (for mine that meant letting them have their own cupboard that I didn't mind them emptying, with an actual small saucepan that I didn't care about, or a tuff tray inside a playpen, will some amount of bearable mess like a small bowl of oats or cornflakes and a couple of cups and spoons)

I spend so much money when out with baby too!! It's so hard when you go past coffee shops not to accidentally spend £13!

You need to be so strict. Pack sandwiches and a coffee in a flask (do you have coffee holder for your pram?) and if you live in a city there are lots of free classes at libraries churches and children's centres - go to them!