Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Female messaged dp that she’s ‘obsessed’ with him

151 replies

Dayna67 · 15/09/2023 19:53

Hello all, am I being unreasonable?

dp and I returned home from the spa. When we were there he posted a photo of himself in the mirror with his shirt off to his Instagram story. He has a large social media following due to his fitness profession.

when we got home he was telling me ‘she said she’s obsessed with me’. He kept repeating it and said ‘let me show you’. I said no thank you I don’t want to see and that I don’t want to argue. I said this because I knew if I saw the message it would upset me and I’m not in the mood to argue about it.

he gets ALOT of attention on social media from women. From young to older ladies, he meets most of them from his workplace at the gym. He proceeded to show me the message, which I could only see some of as his hand was covering some parts.

she said ‘you are hot as f*ck’. Then she said ‘I’m obsessed with you’.

I’m not particularly bothered about her messages. I can’t stop females from being attracted to him or trying their luck on social media. What bothered me was the fact I saw he had responded to her messages multiple times. Fair enough what I saw were just short responses, for example when she said she’s obsessed he replied ‘really?’.

he had responded every time. Now if that was me all hell would break loose. I couldn’t imagine a guy in my dms telling me he thinks I’m hot and I actually replied to his messages and then had the audacity to laugh about it and show my dp. He thinks it’s innocent that he showed me but I think it’s outright disrespectful.

he would never accept me responding to a guy in my dms especially considering it was clearly a flirty manor that the female thinks he’s got as fuck.

he apologised in the end but I think it was just a cop-out. He doesn’t actually see the harm or problem in what he’s done.

OP posts:
Rubiconmango · 15/09/2023 22:55

And this ladies and gentlemen is why you do not date someone who posts vanity online and frequently gets opposite gender attention. It being his job is no excuse. Let's not get too woke about this, and before all the chiming 'I post just for family and friends, and have steel iron privacy', comes at me; that is not what this is.

You are with a 'hot' vain partner, who's obviously so pathetic in handling female attention. Yanbu. He's not partner material based on this very crucial aspect of a relationship - how do they engage with the opposite sex.

To a degree I can appreciate his job means attention will come. But him responding, then proceeding to gloat over it with you his partner... I mean sorry OP but that's very telling of where he's at mentally and maturity wise, and how much respect he has for you.

You're probably gonna be paranoid now when he's on his phone, asking yourself 'is he entertaining this woman some more', 'how many are there', etc etc. Please don't settle for that. And I a man needs teaching how to handle himself around other women, he hasn't grown out his adolescent brain.

cuckyplunt · 15/09/2023 23:05

Gawd, who could be bothered?

Fallingthroughclouds · 15/09/2023 23:10

▪︎ He posts topless pictures of himself.
▪︎ He shows you messages when you've said you don't want to see them
▪︎ He replies to these women who obviously want to sleep with him.
▪︎ He replies with 'really' as in "persuade me how sexy you think I am" coy manner.

He is absolutely cringe worthy, I'd honestly get rid.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/09/2023 23:12

Yanbu his ego is icky

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/09/2023 23:12

MiniCooperLover · 15/09/2023 20:01

He's encouraging her and wants you jealous as well.

Yup so gross.

Blueeyedmale · 15/09/2023 23:14

A lot men get a lot men of attention on certain social media apps usually from fake profiles don't mean they are anything special,but it's incredibly cruel to be showing you those message's op and posting posting shirtless selfies

TheRealLilyMunster · 15/09/2023 23:23

I wouldn't be putting up with this behaviour.
You deserve better.

queenMab99 · 15/09/2023 23:31

He'd be a 10 if he wasn't so bloody vain........

MissingMoominMamma · 15/09/2023 23:34

He sounds yummy 😍.

Not really, he sounds like a bit of a prick.

RantyAnty · 15/09/2023 23:42

Sounds like he's got one foot out the door.

Absolemsbong · 15/09/2023 23:51

He doesn’t actually see the harm or problem in what he’s done

if that was me all hell would break loose

Hmmmm.

whattodo87 · 16/09/2023 00:03

If you're dating an "influencer" then I guess this is a downside to the job.

He doesn't sound very professional in the way he's engaging with his followers so maybe you should suggest some alternative responses to his "fans" ? Or maybe offer to take over his account and reply in his behalf?

JFDIYOLO · 16/09/2023 01:03

Vain self obsessed and shallow

Cruel, goading, manipulative

Oblivious, uncaring, unseeing how you feel

Mmmm, what a prize

Looks aren't everything.

Original poster
Dayna67 · 16/09/2023 01:39

Thank you everyone for your responses.

honestly, the level of vanity is a huge ick for me. I don’t like the term ick at all but that’s the only way I can describe it. He absolutely adores any attention he gets, even if a woman looks his direction on the street it’s ‘oh she likes me’. I mean, there isn’t a day, time or place that we go somewhere and he tells me a woman likes him. I went to the changing rooms a few minutes earlier than him today and he told me when I left there was a woman in the spa and she liked him. I asked him how he knew that and he said because she double-looked he could tell.

I mean, I won’t sit here and say I’m completely against the whole posting selfies part. To be honest, reading the comments here has made me think maybe it’s not right for him to have posted that in the first place. I think I just wouldn’t have a problem if I knew he could handle it in the right way. If he’s only posting it purely for the attention then that’s just a problem and yuck.

I also go to the gym and often use Instagram to post my workouts etc. I have posted a workout when I was wearing shorts and a sports bra set (in summer) and I often update my story with little snippets maybe including my legs at the gym etc. or selfies in the gym mirror (but nothing sexy) but this is never done for males attention. I have roughly 7 people that view my stories and only 1 of them is a male (a friends bf).

one day I posted my legs just tensing my quad muscles to show how they have grown and he was pretty upset about that and said it’s not appropriate.

difference is I don’t have an account full of the opposite sex. I don’t post for the attention of the opposite sex. The occasional time a random male has tried to follow me or send me a message I just completely ignore it or remove them. I wouldn’t dream of replying to their obvious flirty dms.

overall the level of vanity is extreme from him. I have never in my life met anyone that loves themselves so much. Not even a female. Everyday getting dressed he will call me to the room just to reiterate how ‘sexy’ and good looking he is. He will show me a photo of himself he likes and say ‘that’s your baby daddy’ in a cheeky way as if I’m supposed to be so proud I’ve had kids with the most handsome man on earth.

yes he’s somewhat of an ‘influencer’ perhaps some could say. But he isn’t. He has a few thousand followers. 90% of his little ‘fans’ are from his gym. He also was not ‘popular’ when we got together so it is not like I knew what I was getting in to…

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 16/09/2023 01:43

As to your last update, @Dayna67— that’s got “I’m majorly insecure” written all over it.

I had a date with a guy once and he said, “You’re really glad I’m here, aren’t you.”

I got the ick so fast I got whiplash.

Mothership4two · 16/09/2023 02:25

He's unreasonable to respond (to you and her) and to shove it under your nose especially as he wouldn't find it acceptable for you to do it OP.

He sounds vain and insecure

MsDogLady · 16/09/2023 07:57

@Dayna67, this nasty piece of work enjoys upsetting you. And it’s not just his flaunting his adorers.

You have extra skin and split abdominal muscles from having his twins. He humiliates you about that.

Recently in the pool changing room, where another person was present, he looked at your lower tummy and whispered, “Fupa!” [slang for fat upper pubic area]. You’ve used this word to refer to your loose skin, but his remark really stung. He said it was a joke. It wasn’t. It was vicious, and he wanted to humiliate you.

You are self-conscious and desperately want a tummy tuck, but he forbids that because he knows of someone who died. Says he’ll leave you if you have the procedure. Says nothing can help your stomach.

He preens and boasts and is in love with his reflection. He has a voracious thirst for adoration, and uses his selfies as bait to lure the groupies. He gets off on rubbing your nose in his harem. Of course, he’d go berserk if you received attention from men.

Even more disturbing, he has an agenda to mortify you about a physical condition you have no control over, caused by having his children. And he is stealing your agency by blocking the remedy that you so want.

@Dayna67, he’s a shit partner and a shit father/role model. I’d walk away and leave him to his mirror and his worshipers. I’d consult a surgeon, gather information, and make my own decision about a tummy tuck.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/09/2023 08:26

This woman is not your problem. Your problem is your DP who is looking for female attention at every turn(yes I know it's partly professional but also he blatantly gets off on it). He's posting semi naked selfies to Instagram FFS.

The questions you have to ask yourself are: is he just vain and a bit of a show-off or would he actually cheat?

If it's the latter you know what you have to do.

There are lots of men who like getting female attention but stop short of acting on it and he may be one of those. Personally I find this behaviour so insecure and cringe I couldn't deal with that even if there's no actual cheating. Its so unattractive that they need to get validation from every woman they see.

And then go and find someone who isn't terminally vain and insecure.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/09/2023 08:28

@Dayna67 just read your recent update.

There's no way to sugarcoat this, the man's an utter bellend.

Even if not for the borderline sleaze behaviour he needs to be binned because he thinks posting some sweaty gym pictures makes him an "influencer". What a twat.

Skybluecoat · 16/09/2023 08:37

He sounds absolutely pathetic. I can’t imagine what you see in him.

theawkward · 16/09/2023 08:38

I found similar messages on fb once from a woman to dh. Turned out for 2 years his boss who he had told me was a man and referred to as ‘he’ was actually this woman. All while I was stuck at home with a SEN child and not able to work . He was lying and messing about flirting. It kept going on so I said the choices were 1). Leave or 2). Quit and swap roles with me

KimberleyClark · 16/09/2023 08:38

I’m sorry OP but your DP is a wanker. You deserve better. Stop thinking of him as a prize because that’s the last thing he is.

wildwestpioneer · 16/09/2023 09:08

Sorry op but he gives me the ick just reading your posts

Plumful · 16/09/2023 09:21

When we were there he posted a photo of himself in the mirror with his shirt off to his Instagram story

cringing

MrsMarzetti · 16/09/2023 09:32

😂Why on earth are you with this man child ? He sounds like a 16 year old, why on earth is he taking topless selfies of himself? So bloody immature.