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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU for giving my neighbour a penis shaped bottle opener?

115 replies

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:33

This is a bit of a weird situation and I’m aware of how ridiculous it sounds.

I had a new kitchen fitted last December and one of the kitchen fitters brought J2O’s and a 10 inch novelty wooden bottle opener shaped like a penis every day. He never asked if I had a bottle opener and there is even one on the tin opener, he just said he had it in his van.
It was a bit weird but he didn’t act creepy with it and just acted like it was a regular bottle opener. I couldn’t stand the noise and the mess and avoided the kitchen till it was finished so didn’t really bother about it.

When the kitchen was finished he left it behind and my neighbour came round “Jess” who is in her late 40’s and was absolutely thrilled with this bottle opener. She thought it was hysterical and for weeks later she asked about it every time I saw her and if I still had it. The kitchen fitter didn’t return for it so after a few weeks I gave it to Jess because I was sick of her mentioning it and hinting that she wanted it.

Jess acted like it was all her birthdays and christmases rolled into one, I try not to speculate why she was so obsessed with it but she still thanked me every time she saw me and it’s been months since she became it’s proud owner!

The problem is that yesterday the kitchen fitter came round in a panic and asked
“have you still got my cock-opener?!”
I obviously knew what he was referring too straight away and I told him I’d given it to my neighbour when he didn’t return and I didn’t have contact details for him. The agency I rent from organised the kitchen to be fitted and I explained that I thought if it was important he’d have come back for it.
Unfortunately the kitchen fitter told me that it was his wife’s and she got it as a novelty hen party present from her best friend who passed away shortly after they got married. His wife didn’t realise he’d ever taken it out of the house and he didn’t see it as a sentimental item but his wife does. She said there were good memories attached to it from her hen night and was distraught and wanted it back.

I managed to get Jess to return it but she was absolutely fuming and argued about it for a long time, I agreed to buy her a new one for “the inconvenience” I’m hoping to find one online!
The kitchen fitter has it back and he was hugely grateful and relieved but Jess was very very annoyed, angry and upset.

AIBU for thinking that Jess has made a huge fuss about nothing really? She pretty much hounded me into giving it to her and she knew it wasn’t mine to start with. I accept I shouldn’t have given it away and I’ve apologised to the kitchen fitter and apologised to Jess for taking it off her again.
I think I’ve been more then generous offering to find and buy a replacement.

I just wondered what others think about this cock up?! (Sorry couldn’t resist) and if I’ve caused Jess emotional trauma by seizing her emotional support penis. Or if people agree that she’s overreacting about over what is essentially a bottle opener?!

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/09/2023 22:36

😂 sorry but what have i just read?!

NancyJoan · 14/09/2023 22:36

That’s very weird, but also very funny. There are lots on EBay if you do feel like making a generous gift.

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:41

Thank you, I’ll have a look and order one. I can’t face seeing her devastated expression every time I run into her!

I swear I hardly ever saw her but once she got her sights set on that bottle opener she was hanging around every time I left my house and I dreaded anyone overhearing and jumping to conclusions.

She used to ask have you still got “Mr Johnson?” And would burst into giggles and say “well if you ever want to rehome him?…”

I’m hoping she just drinks a lot of bottled drinks 😂.

OP posts:
SiouxseeSioux · 14/09/2023 22:42

I'd buy Jess another one. She doesn't have much empathy given the circumstances does she

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:42

When I was writing it out I was thinking “What am I seriously writing here?!”

OP posts:
AliOlis · 14/09/2023 22:43

I can’t face seeing her devastated expression every time I run into her!
Have you considered writing for Take a Break, op? This is about their level.

Thedogscollar · 14/09/2023 22:44

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:42

When I was writing it out I was thinking “What am I seriously writing here?!”

I bet you were😂

thunderboltcity66 · 14/09/2023 22:45

Why is she so emotionally attached to a cock opener? It's bizarre.

TregunaMekoides · 14/09/2023 22:45

AliOlis · 14/09/2023 22:43

I can’t face seeing her devastated expression every time I run into her!
Have you considered writing for Take a Break, op? This is about their level.

Can see the front page now
"Neighbour stole my cock!"

poppym12 · 14/09/2023 22:46

If you know anyone on holiday at the moment I'm sure they could pick you one up from the tourist tat shop

CoQ10 · 14/09/2023 22:47

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Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 22:47

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Dahlia11 · 14/09/2023 22:47

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PinkDeer · 14/09/2023 22:48

I don’t think you should be running around trying to buy a new one. I’d just forget about it. Jess is being unreasonable. If she wanted one she could just buy one herself surely.

Sushione · 14/09/2023 22:48

#DHOTYA

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:49

Thats how I felt, I expected her to just hand it over in the circumstances and be sympathetic.
I totally understand the kitchen fitters wife wanting it back, it must have a lot of sentimental value and hold a lot of memories. It’s often things like that that matter the most when someone dies, people always comment about money and expensive possessions but in actual fact it’s often the smaller things that make up a person.

I’ll buy Jess a new one and hope she can bond with it the same!

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 14/09/2023 22:50

Not accusing you of anything OP, but this is the most unbelievable story I've ever read on Mumsnet.

It's like something that would happen to someone on Coronation Street.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 22:50

The Twilight Zone plots are getting weirder and weirder.

Tomhanksismine · 14/09/2023 22:51

NuffSaidSam · 14/09/2023 22:50

Not accusing you of anything OP, but this is the most unbelievable story I've ever read on Mumsnet.

It's like something that would happen to someone on Coronation Street.

Crikey Corrie has gotten less family friendly since I last watched it then 😂

Aquamarine1029 · 14/09/2023 22:51

Can we at least refer to it from now on as a Cock Popper?

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:51

I don’t think anyone has the imagination to make this up do they?

If they do then I certainly lack it.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2023 22:52

If by any chance this is true, it’s hilarious. Not for the poor fitter’s wife losing her friend, but Jess’s bizarre attachment to the cock-opener. And the fitter’s breezy reference to his “cock-opener” 😂

YapYap2023 · 14/09/2023 22:55

I'd have sent him to her house to get it.

After all that fuss, I wouldnt want to touch it.

You don't know where its been.

nimski · 14/09/2023 22:56

Jess is massively unreasonable, don't buy her another one and I'd be avoiding her from now on! This is very weird...

Knewt · 14/09/2023 22:57

Just googled cock shaped bottle opener. If it was anything like any of these, I can see why she was slightly obsessed with it😳