Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU for giving my neighbour a penis shaped bottle opener?

115 replies

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:33

This is a bit of a weird situation and I’m aware of how ridiculous it sounds.

I had a new kitchen fitted last December and one of the kitchen fitters brought J2O’s and a 10 inch novelty wooden bottle opener shaped like a penis every day. He never asked if I had a bottle opener and there is even one on the tin opener, he just said he had it in his van.
It was a bit weird but he didn’t act creepy with it and just acted like it was a regular bottle opener. I couldn’t stand the noise and the mess and avoided the kitchen till it was finished so didn’t really bother about it.

When the kitchen was finished he left it behind and my neighbour came round “Jess” who is in her late 40’s and was absolutely thrilled with this bottle opener. She thought it was hysterical and for weeks later she asked about it every time I saw her and if I still had it. The kitchen fitter didn’t return for it so after a few weeks I gave it to Jess because I was sick of her mentioning it and hinting that she wanted it.

Jess acted like it was all her birthdays and christmases rolled into one, I try not to speculate why she was so obsessed with it but she still thanked me every time she saw me and it’s been months since she became it’s proud owner!

The problem is that yesterday the kitchen fitter came round in a panic and asked
“have you still got my cock-opener?!”
I obviously knew what he was referring too straight away and I told him I’d given it to my neighbour when he didn’t return and I didn’t have contact details for him. The agency I rent from organised the kitchen to be fitted and I explained that I thought if it was important he’d have come back for it.
Unfortunately the kitchen fitter told me that it was his wife’s and she got it as a novelty hen party present from her best friend who passed away shortly after they got married. His wife didn’t realise he’d ever taken it out of the house and he didn’t see it as a sentimental item but his wife does. She said there were good memories attached to it from her hen night and was distraught and wanted it back.

I managed to get Jess to return it but she was absolutely fuming and argued about it for a long time, I agreed to buy her a new one for “the inconvenience” I’m hoping to find one online!
The kitchen fitter has it back and he was hugely grateful and relieved but Jess was very very annoyed, angry and upset.

AIBU for thinking that Jess has made a huge fuss about nothing really? She pretty much hounded me into giving it to her and she knew it wasn’t mine to start with. I accept I shouldn’t have given it away and I’ve apologised to the kitchen fitter and apologised to Jess for taking it off her again.
I think I’ve been more then generous offering to find and buy a replacement.

I just wondered what others think about this cock up?! (Sorry couldn’t resist) and if I’ve caused Jess emotional trauma by seizing her emotional support penis. Or if people agree that she’s overreacting about over what is essentially a bottle opener?!

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 15/09/2023 08:20

This thread deserves to be in classics just for the OP!

catmom93 · 15/09/2023 08:25

Tell her to buy her own if she wants it so badly

HerMammy · 15/09/2023 08:25

Direct Jess to the Ann Summers site, she can shop until she's satisfied.

EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2023 08:30

Thanks for ruining my otherwise squeaky clean internet history OP, I had to google as well.

I say buy Jess one. For every bday and Christmas in the next 20 years.

amylou8 · 15/09/2023 08:34

😂😂 best thing I've read on here for a while.
You should have either told the kitchen fitter you hadn't seen it, or looked horrified, said how offensive you found it, and threw it away when he didn't come back.
I'd buy Jess a new one now poor woman.

LoonyLois · 15/09/2023 08:53

I think you should get her cock salt and pepper shakers too!!!

AIBU for giving my neighbour a penis shaped bottle opener?
Excited101 · 15/09/2023 09:01

Oh ignore all the holier than thou replies on here op, people love to feel superior!

jess is a nutter, I’d probably buy her a new one to keep the peace but then keep her at arms length!

OnlyFannys · 15/09/2023 09:26

I googled it so I could imagine it properly. There goes my targeted ad algorithm 😐

User56785 · 15/09/2023 09:28

Oh ignore all the holier than thou replies on here op, people love to feel superior!

Are there any?

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 15/09/2023 09:38

Emotional support penis

"Yes, I just find that it helps me to open up and refresh my inner being."

EggInANest · 15/09/2023 09:56

What a cock and bull story… from that kitchen fitter.

INeedAnotherName · 15/09/2023 11:07

She’s very much a Hayley Cropper type
Oh do tell what you mean by this type. Many of us would be very interested but try it without insults though. If you can.

Of course I could be completely wrong! She might have been doing all sorts with it, but I don’t like to explore that train of thought too deeply!!
Yeah....of course you don't want to think. Shame you don't realise other people do and can see certain posts for what they are 🙄

ICreatedAUserName · 15/09/2023 11:11

Boring but will prob make it to the Daily Fail -

catin8oots · 15/09/2023 11:15

Blimey I've just googled. You can get mahogany or epoxy resin and a world of other materials. Multiple sizes.

Are they meant to be (ahem) used?

Is it designed for the lazy lover to pleasure their partner while popping open beer bottles and watching the snooker?

catin8oots · 15/09/2023 11:18

Look at the lacquered ones!

AIBU for giving my neighbour a penis shaped bottle opener?
Lastqueenofscotland2 · 15/09/2023 11:18

KimberleyClark · 15/09/2023 08:20

This thread deserves to be in classics just for the OP!

I came to say the same!

Firsttimecaller · 15/09/2023 12:05

AliOlis · 14/09/2023 22:43

I can’t face seeing her devastated expression every time I run into her!
Have you considered writing for Take a Break, op? This is about their level.

Yes! And buy the new opener for Jess from the proceeds!

Myneighboursarewankers · 15/09/2023 12:26

“and if I’ve caused Jess emotional trauma by seizing her emotional support penis”

brilliant 😂😂😂😂

Myneighboursarewankers · 15/09/2023 12:28

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:49

Thats how I felt, I expected her to just hand it over in the circumstances and be sympathetic.
I totally understand the kitchen fitters wife wanting it back, it must have a lot of sentimental value and hold a lot of memories. It’s often things like that that matter the most when someone dies, people always comment about money and expensive possessions but in actual fact it’s often the smaller things that make up a person.

I’ll buy Jess a new one and hope she can bond with it the same!

Maybe Jess needs a battery powered one?

caringcarer · 15/09/2023 15:09

Be careful OP the Daily Mail will be onto this one. 🤣🤣

MrsB74 · 15/09/2023 16:05

Go to Greece - they are in every touristy shop in every colour/pattern imaginable; my dds were highly amused every.single.time! And no, I didn’t buy one.

mrssanchez · 15/09/2023 16:43

We've got one, it was a tacky holiday from a mate but tbf, it's a good bottle opener and I'd be miffed if someone took it.

mrssanchez · 15/09/2023 16:44

*tacky holiday gift

GalileoHumpkins · 15/09/2023 16:47

Of course he came to your door weeks later and asked if you still had his cock opener 🙄Poor effort.

inamarina · 15/09/2023 16:52

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/09/2023 22:36

😂 sorry but what have i just read?!

Exactly 😂
Kitchen fitter’s wife’s friend gave it to her as a special gift and then sadly passed away, kitchen fitter thought it would be a great idea to bring it along to his job, neighbour went crazy for it…
Definitely don’t get your neighbour a new one, despite any ‚inconvenience‘ she claims you caused her 🤣