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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU for giving my neighbour a penis shaped bottle opener?

115 replies

Minimili · 14/09/2023 22:33

This is a bit of a weird situation and I’m aware of how ridiculous it sounds.

I had a new kitchen fitted last December and one of the kitchen fitters brought J2O’s and a 10 inch novelty wooden bottle opener shaped like a penis every day. He never asked if I had a bottle opener and there is even one on the tin opener, he just said he had it in his van.
It was a bit weird but he didn’t act creepy with it and just acted like it was a regular bottle opener. I couldn’t stand the noise and the mess and avoided the kitchen till it was finished so didn’t really bother about it.

When the kitchen was finished he left it behind and my neighbour came round “Jess” who is in her late 40’s and was absolutely thrilled with this bottle opener. She thought it was hysterical and for weeks later she asked about it every time I saw her and if I still had it. The kitchen fitter didn’t return for it so after a few weeks I gave it to Jess because I was sick of her mentioning it and hinting that she wanted it.

Jess acted like it was all her birthdays and christmases rolled into one, I try not to speculate why she was so obsessed with it but she still thanked me every time she saw me and it’s been months since she became it’s proud owner!

The problem is that yesterday the kitchen fitter came round in a panic and asked
“have you still got my cock-opener?!”
I obviously knew what he was referring too straight away and I told him I’d given it to my neighbour when he didn’t return and I didn’t have contact details for him. The agency I rent from organised the kitchen to be fitted and I explained that I thought if it was important he’d have come back for it.
Unfortunately the kitchen fitter told me that it was his wife’s and she got it as a novelty hen party present from her best friend who passed away shortly after they got married. His wife didn’t realise he’d ever taken it out of the house and he didn’t see it as a sentimental item but his wife does. She said there were good memories attached to it from her hen night and was distraught and wanted it back.

I managed to get Jess to return it but she was absolutely fuming and argued about it for a long time, I agreed to buy her a new one for “the inconvenience” I’m hoping to find one online!
The kitchen fitter has it back and he was hugely grateful and relieved but Jess was very very annoyed, angry and upset.

AIBU for thinking that Jess has made a huge fuss about nothing really? She pretty much hounded me into giving it to her and she knew it wasn’t mine to start with. I accept I shouldn’t have given it away and I’ve apologised to the kitchen fitter and apologised to Jess for taking it off her again.
I think I’ve been more then generous offering to find and buy a replacement.

I just wondered what others think about this cock up?! (Sorry couldn’t resist) and if I’ve caused Jess emotional trauma by seizing her emotional support penis. Or if people agree that she’s overreacting about over what is essentially a bottle opener?!

OP posts:
Minimili · 15/09/2023 00:44

Penis beaker?!

erm not really sure what that is sorry. I don’t actually spend a lot of time on mumsnet.

I saw a few of the AIBU posts friends shared on Facebook and in news articles and thought based on those it might be a good place to post for genuine feedback. I considered Reddit but it seems to be mostly younger people mostly based in the US.

I’m not trying to rival anything or get nominated for anything. I just genuinely wanted to know what people thought.

I was just discussing it with my partner, he was visiting family abroad when the kitchen was fitted but knew about the neighbour hassling about the bottle opener and what happened when I had to get it back. I asked him if he thinks it’s really that inconceivable that it could happen and he was bemused as to why it’s that far fetched to some people?
Maybe because he actually knows it did happen and saw how giggly Jess was over it and heard her thank me several times when I gave her it.

I think in future I’ll stick to asking him and friends for advice, I didn’t expect so many negative responses. I know people do make stuff up just to troll sometimes but even then I just usually scroll by if I can’t give it the benefit of the doubt.

I’m glad my post actually did bring out that reaction in some people, it convinced me that if I ever had a serious sensitive problem that this wouldn’t be the right place to ask advice.

OP posts:
AnotherStrongCoffee · 15/09/2023 00:52

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Screamingabdabz · 15/09/2023 00:53

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LittleBrownJug · 15/09/2023 00:53

If you want sensible advice then I really don’t see why you have to buy Jess another cock-opener. Don’t do that!

If she liked it so much she can buy herself one.

—————

Don’t give up on MN. Some posts do elicit useful advice. Perhaps not ones about cock-openers however.

LittleBrownJug · 15/09/2023 00:54

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FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 15/09/2023 00:58

Can see the front page now
"Neighbour stole my cock!"

Photo 1 (grinning): 'Me, first seeing the bottle opener'
Photo 2 (smiling, neighbour open-mouthed): 'Me, showing the bottle opener to Jess, my neighbour'
Photo 3 (arms crossed, lips pursed): 'Me, giving the bottle opener to a desperate, nagging Jess'
Photo 4 (embarrassed look on his face): 'Ryan the kitchen fitter, asking for his bottle opener back'
Photo 5 (angry face, shaking fists): 'Jess was reluctant to part with the bottle opener; I think she was in love'
Photo 6 (wiping his brow): 'Phew, Ryan was so relieved to get the bottle opener back'
Photo 7 (staring aimlessly in the distance): 'Me, learning to face my bottle-opener-less and neighbour-less future'

Minimili · 15/09/2023 01:04

She wasn’t on her hands and knees begging for it. She just commented on it every time I saw her.

it’s possible it was just an opening to make conversation and she saw it as an “in joke” between us. She liked the girly nudge nudge giggle and jokey references to “Mr Johnson”

She lives on her own and I think is a bit lonely, it was more then likely an opening for conversation.

I was clearly joking about it being her emotional support penis and trying to keep it light hearted.

OP posts:
Minimili · 15/09/2023 01:11

That’s true, I don’t really see why I need to buy her another but I just thought it’s a bit unfair to give someone something that (for reasons unknown) she really liked and then ask for it back.

Clearly she should have been more understanding about the reasons I asked her to return it though.

I don’t think she wanted it for any other reason that she found it a hilarious novelty item. She seems to have had a sheltered life and thought it made her interesting to own something like that.
Thats what I assumed and why I didn’t think about “Where it had been” properly until another poster suggested it.

She’s very much a Hayley Cropper type and I think she loved us having an in joke together.

Of course I could be completely wrong! She might have been doing all sorts with it, but I don’t like to explore that train of thought too deeply!!

OP posts:
Minimili · 15/09/2023 01:13

That’s fine, I don’t know you and have no means or desire to prove it to you.

OP posts:
IReallyStillCantBeBothered · 15/09/2023 01:44

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 14/09/2023 22:36

😂 sorry but what have i just read?!

You read a story about a cock opener 😂

@Minimili Jess should stop being an arse, she knew it was the contractors opener and you only gave it to her because he didn’t come back for it, and now he did well.

You’re nice to tell her you will get her another one but her acting angry and sulking will irritate me.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2023 01:47

Ya filthy mare😂😂😂

DeeCeeCherry · 15/09/2023 01:49

Minimili
She wasn’t on her hands and knees begging for it

oo-er vicar...

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 15/09/2023 01:52

I would have thrown it out. Too bad, so sad.

Robinni · 15/09/2023 01:58

What age is Jess? And how close are you, she’s very overly familiar for a neighbour. And I agree she can buy her own cock opener.

Minimili · 15/09/2023 03:56

She’s in her late 40’s at a guess. I live in a flat and she’s literally my next door neighbour so I can’t avoid her.

OP posts:
Minimili · 15/09/2023 03:59

This is hilarious! Thank you, worth posting just for imagining this.

OP posts:
QuillBill · 15/09/2023 06:31

It was ten inches! Seems impractical.

Just tell Jess's heartbroken face that you can get them on eBay or wherever you have seen them and leave it there.

You don't want to be involved with this any more than you already are. If you get her a new one then she might complain it's too small or not as good as the fitter's cock.

user97326843 · 15/09/2023 07:22

Oh bollocks

Motnight · 15/09/2023 07:54

Minimili · 14/09/2023 23:03

Ohh god I didn’t even think about that. I’m glad it was in a bag when she handed it over and I didn’t have to touch it directly.

Really??

You think Jess might have used a corkscrew as a dildo?

Goodness.

ItstimeToMoveagain · 15/09/2023 08:06

Corkscrew? It's not that kind of bottle opener

Yeah Jess is odd, I have a friend who I could imagine acting like this though

Cinai · 15/09/2023 08:07

I probably would have told the guy ‘sorry I threw it out, thought you don’t need it anymore’. Reasonable enough after a few weeks of it lying around. But either way I think it’s fine and Jess will get over it.

HectorSalamanca · 15/09/2023 08:11

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Yahyahs22 · 15/09/2023 08:16

Emotional support penis 😂😂😂

Duckingella · 15/09/2023 08:16

She wasn’t on her hands and knees begging for it. *
*
I'm relieved to hear she wasn't on her hands and knees begging for the cock shaped bottle opener.

I was brought a huge mug with a rather large penis as the handle;I absolutely love it;I can get a ridiculous amount of tea in it;buy Jess one I bet she'd love it.

Also most normal people would have handed back that bottle opener with no quibbles when they heard the sentimental value it held to someone.

rwalker · 15/09/2023 08:17

Are you sure she was using it to open bottles