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Original poster

Are some people just naturally charismatic?

95 replies

thunderboltcity66 · 14/09/2023 18:38

I have a friend who I love to bits. She's great fun to be around, generous, a great host and very funny. She's had a bit of a chaotic life - in and out of jobs, bad relationships, doesn't stick at much for long but it seems that whatever situation she finds herself in she lands on her feet and people love her. I suspect because she is a naturally loveable, very well turned out and charismatic person.

Our boys grew up together and I see the same pattern with them. They are both in their teens now and her ds gets picked for everything at school (house captain and so on) and has lots of girls after him. My ds is popular and doing well academically but doesn't seem to stand out from the crowd in the same way.

There is no bitterness or jealously here by the way. I love her and her son like family. It just made me think do some people have the X factor if you like? Is it hereditary if so!!!

OP posts:
ScottBakula · 14/09/2023 18:58

I think it's something built in / natural.
I know 2 men ( completely different walks of life ) that have the natural charisma and charm .
They don't try to charm people they don't show off or do anything outlandish, people just gravitate towards them and seem to have a good time.
One is a builder the other is a retired cabbie .

I also know some that try to turn on the charm , and while some ( men and women) are nice and easy to get on with but they just don't have that certain 'thing'
Others are just like needy kids ' look at me I am fun' kinda people

Original poster
thunderboltcity66 · 14/09/2023 19:17

I also know a few people who try to be like that but just can't pull it off. But that's more of a banter thing. Some people have the gift of the gab, others don't. And it's quite tragic when they try too hard to be someone they're not and it's painfully obvious.

With my friend and her son it just seems to be that whatever situation they find themselves in they do well and people gravitate towards them.

OP posts:
billysillydilly · 14/09/2023 19:22

Yes, it's innate but I think it's quite rare.

CameronCook · 14/09/2023 19:26

I know two people like this. DP is one of them. He can strike up a conversation with anyone and is immediately universally adored. There are no external 'wow' factors about him that make him look rich / successful etc - he doesn't dress expensively or drive a flash car, and you wouldn't look at him and think "phwoar" but his personality is an absolute magnet for people.

The other is my former boss - he says he 'gives good chat'

itsmeafterall · 14/09/2023 19:26

Yes. Definitely.

bluejelly · 14/09/2023 19:28

If it doesn't sound too arrogant, I would say I'm fairly charismatic. I think I learnt it from my dad who was confident and funny. I'm still something of an introvert though, but I can 'perform' in company.

continentallentil · 14/09/2023 19:35

Yes definitely it exists and it’s largely innate, although I’m sure the right environment in childhood would help bring it out

I guess it’s a mish mash of energy, charm, confidence, reading people well, being interested in people, intelligence, focus, communication skills and good conversation…

I don’t think it’s just one thing, and it will vary from person to person, but it’s too much of a delicate recipe to fake

SarahAndQuack · 14/09/2023 19:35

I don't think it is just natural. I think, usually, people who can do it know they're doing it and can choose whether or not to lean into it.

To me it doesn't have to do with the gift of the gab (or not necessarily). I would say a charismatic person is able to project a sense of joy in the world - either they are really happy, or they're able to find happiness in the moment - and they combine that with making other people feel they're hugely important and special.

Original poster
thunderboltcity66 · 14/09/2023 19:36

I like to think I'm quite sociable and can talk to people well. But I don't stand out. I'm rubbish at dressing myself or presenting my home well.

I think if you have the whole package - good style (not even necessarily good looks), good manners and good chat you are going to be pretty successful.

OP posts:
TLDRfuckers · 14/09/2023 19:39

Yes it’s innate and quite rare. There’s only a few ish people I’ve met who I’d say are truly charismatic tbh

sleepismyhobby · 14/09/2023 19:42

I'm very introverted but also charismatic , I think it comes from treating everyone like you'd like to be treated and listening to people also I have a very positive attitude . I sound like such a dick typing this !

whyisitallsohard · 14/09/2023 19:44

I think being a nice person makes a huge difference in life. I also think making people feel good around you also counts. I think the latter is what charisma is. We can all TRY to make people feel good around us, but charismatic people do it effortlessly. It's built in them.

7Worfs · 14/09/2023 19:44

There’s a good book on the topic - The Charisma Myth.

SanDimasHighSchoolFootballRules · 14/09/2023 19:46

My dad was one of these people. People from all walks of life gravitated to him. He had an innate....something.
It's not something I inherited sadly and I don't see it in my siblings either.

dramallamadingdongdo · 14/09/2023 19:50

I don't know if it's so charisma so much as social confidence, ability to make small talk, be genuinely interested in learning about people and the things they say, able to carry a conversation - I don't think I'm charismatic but I am socially confident - able to talk to a range of backgrounds - labourers to lords - im good at small talk but I'm also genuinely interested In people and ask about their lives.
I would say my ex is actually quite charismatic - when he turns it on - but actually his small talk is awful and he was not hugely socially confident

billysillydilly · 14/09/2023 20:02

You can be sociable and have the gift of the gab, funny but that doesn't necessarily mean charisma, that's another level.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 20:08

I think some people are born with this, it can definitely be learned but it has to come from a place of innate confidence.

People who watch and subtly imitate charismatic people will over time develop some of those same behaviours.

Doing it too obviously and doing it when you lack the inner confidence to style it out is never a good idea though. Other people can smell it a mile off.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 20:11

dramallamadingdongdo · 14/09/2023 19:50

I don't know if it's so charisma so much as social confidence, ability to make small talk, be genuinely interested in learning about people and the things they say, able to carry a conversation - I don't think I'm charismatic but I am socially confident - able to talk to a range of backgrounds - labourers to lords - im good at small talk but I'm also genuinely interested In people and ask about their lives.
I would say my ex is actually quite charismatic - when he turns it on - but actually his small talk is awful and he was not hugely socially confident

I think they are two slightly different things: social confidence is just being comfortable with yourself, being able to talk to people, walking into a room without anxiety and being a good listener. You can be both socially confident and quiet.

"Charisma" to me implies someone who is particularly extroverted or with a very distinctive personality or voice who stands out from the crowd in some way. I don't think you can be both charismatic and quiet.

Libraryloiterer · 14/09/2023 20:15

If I can be frank, I think I have a little bit of this but I have to watch it as I think people can mistake charisma for competence - I can get thrust into all kinds of situations that I'm always able to style out but don't do real justice to.

I think it's that Maya Angalou thing about people remembering the way you made them feel. I'm warm, Northern, genuinely curious about other people and my profession involves making people feel safe - so people will say "oh yes that Libraryloiterer she's great, she did a brilliant job at X" when really what they're remembering is that I made them feel good.

Men will also sometimes mistake it for feeling romantically attracted to me when what they're really attracted to is the way I make them feel about themselves.

SarahAndQuack · 14/09/2023 20:20

I think some people are born with this, it can definitely be learned but it has to come from a place of innate confidence.

I strongly disagree with this. I think charisma often comes from a place of lack of confidence - it's a survival strategy (conscious or not). It's a way of conveying 'yes, I am essential, you want me here'.

Gurthnamuckla · 14/09/2023 20:28

I’m interested you say your friend “always lands on her feet and people like her’, OP, but also say she’s had a chaotic life, and is in and out of jobs and bad relationships’ and doesn’t stick at anything. Why do you think she hasn’t been able to turn her charisma, good looks etc into success in the workplace, and why she doesn’t have her pick of decent men?

hermenmumster · 14/09/2023 20:34

@SarahAndQuack i agree with you.

Name change due to cringe factor. I have been described many times as charismatic. By employer, teachers, acquaintances etc. It started by wanting to fit in , and making myself want to be liked at school and became witty and irreverent.

I like making social contacts from all walks of life, am very interested in people and their emotions and can read people well. I am well travelled and wel read , and find people's life story fascinating. I know how to charm and have a lot of friends of both sexes. I do think I remain genuine. I do not use people or manipulate.

Interestingly I think the people who are very familiar and close to me probably wouldn't say i was charismatic when spending time with me. I can be quite serious.

Of my two teenage boys one has the word "charismatic" in his reports over a number of
Years.

Oblomov23 · 14/09/2023 20:35

Of course, agree with pp that it's innate but rare. I've met a few people. A few of Ds1's year are.

thecatsthecats · 14/09/2023 20:55

bluejelly · 14/09/2023 19:28

If it doesn't sound too arrogant, I would say I'm fairly charismatic. I think I learnt it from my dad who was confident and funny. I'm still something of an introvert though, but I can 'perform' in company.

Same, in the sense that I don't have an automatic charisma, but I can certainly 'hold the room' when I'm in the mood to. Comes in very handy for interviews.

I do clam up with quiet people though. It's like if everyone is giving off 3/5 energy, I can raise it to 5/5, but 1/5 makes me 1/5 too.

FedUpOfItA · 14/09/2023 21:09

I think a big part of it's confidence. I used to be so quiet and shy. Ex-husband used to say I had no charisma.

A lot changed for me over the period of about 3 or 4 years when we broke up and I really grew as a person. Now I know I can hold the attention of a room.

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