Are some people just naturally charismatic?

[thunderboltcity66]

I have a friend who I love to bits. She's great fun to be around, generous, a great host and very funny. She's had a bit of a chaotic life - in and out of jobs, bad relationships, doesn't stick at much for long but it seems that whatever situation she finds herself in she lands on her feet and people love her. I suspect because she is a naturally loveable, very well turned out and charismatic person.

Our boys grew up together and I see the same pattern with them. They are both in their teens now and her ds gets picked for everything at school (house captain and so on) and has lots of girls after him. My ds is popular and doing well academically but doesn't seem to stand out from the crowd in the same way.

There is no bitterness or jealously here by the way. I love her and her son like family. It just made me think do some people have the X factor if you like? Is it hereditary if so!!!

One of my DC has this. No idea where from as DH & I absolutely don’t. DC is self assured without being cocky, has good energy, is empathetic, reads people well, is easy going, has the confidence to put herself forward, can laugh at themself.
DC has always been well liked, voted for Class Rep by peers in year 1 and this theme has continued. Long may it last.

Also do agree that some people use their charisma to hide failings or be manipulative. Dictators often have some sort of charisma.

yes that's true, charisma can be manipulative. Wasn't Hitler meant to be charismatic

My understanding of it is that, if you meet a charismatic person, you want to be with them; you feel you like them and would like to know them better. They are someone you want to hear more from. They might be quite quiet - or they might not - but the key thing is that you feel you'd like to be with them more.

yes, I always thought it was the ability to influence people. It's charm with additional power!

It can be a gift- DD2 has it, people have always been drawn to her. She's just full of fun, wit and charm and doesn't know it either.

It can also be learnt and practised as a social skill and can be manipulative.

I have a friend whom I think is very charismatic. People love them and they are really memorable. They can strike up a conversation with everyone and a thing.

However, being her friend over the years, I have learnt that they control the conversation.
They have clever ways of changing or shutting down topics they are not good at. They only say the things they think the person wants to hear. I know this because sometimes we might have gossiped about something and then meet the person and it is a complete flip

My DD is like that, and always has been since she was a child . It's in her DNA. Always loved by everyone, has an outgoing and confident personality. She walks into a room and people are drawn to her like a magnet. In her career she has always done really well, and I'm sure her temperament has a lot to do with this.

I wish I could claim to have had something to do with her character, but I'm the opposite . She obviously got like this all on her own.

I think true charisma is very rare. It’s not the same as warmth, charm, likability. I once spent some time (in a professional capacity!) with Abu Hamza and found him highly charismatic, despite his off-putting appearance, views, malign influence on others, etc. It was a real eye-opener.

Some people also have an x factor
that draws others in - a kind of presence or aura like a very strong sense of themself and a vibe of authenticity. Quieter and more considered than the demagogue type - but with that same core of ‘self’ I suppose.

The ridiculous things is that I can be that way easily... but I don't let myself do it. For a few years I forced myself into data analysis jobs.
Now back in a job that uses the chat skills... far happier but earning a real pittance. How can I harness the chat?

What is the charisma thing if not just the mere impression you get from someone?

I once glimpsed the late queen in her car when we were in opposite directions in a bottle neck on a road. She smiled at me and wow—that was charisma. Not a word said and it lasted seconds but it gave me the feeling that she had looked deep into me and acknowledged me as another human being on a profound level.

And I’m not a huge royal watcher or enthusiast.

It isn’t charm or wit or banter at its most profound. It can actually shake you up when you encounter it.

In a nutshell, its the ability to quickly read a person and make subtle changes to yourself to be who they want you to be.
It involves a high level of perception, and ability to pick up on signals, plus empathy, and flexibility in your own approach so you can make the desired response to a person in the way they will best recieve it. So you're outgoing and chatty when that's required, a quieter good listener if that's preferred, and so on. Its very different from simply having a personality trait like being a good talker, funny or interesting, which will make you loved by some, but will alienate others.
Some people have a natural aptitude for it, but its definitely a skill that can be acquired and developed.
The downside of it is that it can be difficult to have authentic relationships. The people who everyone likes tend to be people that no one truly knows.

I think people can be charismatic for different reasons, some as a front for insecurities and anxieties, they’ve found it just works to deflect attention away from their less positive sides. For others, they enjoy holding peoples attention and are naturally like this.

My youngest is like this, his teachers comment on it and friends parents, they always say he will get whatever he wants as he is so charming.. for him its because he enjoys people and talking to people, and he’s very positive and outward facing in his approach with people.

My father and MIL also the same, and it stemmed from a love of people and being around people, and having a positive outlook. People felt good around them.

I’ve been told I’m charming but these days it’s something I have to consciously turn on as I don’t feel as interested in people or as sunny in disposition as I used to be

I think it’s something you can cultivate if you want to, def a good skill to teach your children

I don't think that it requires empathy. The most charismatic and charming people I've ever met have been extremely low on empathy.

Maybe some are empathetic, but it's certainly not a requirement

I think I have what people would call something approaching charisma in rl. The reason I say that is throughout my life, whenever I meet people they just want to be my friend, it happens pretty much everywhere I go and with whoever I meet - I've only really clocked it as I've got older that this isn't something that happens to everyone. I am naturally curious and can completely be at home with an introvert, extravert or ambivert, whether someone is right leaning or left leaning I don't care, rich or poor doesn't matter, and I always have a story to tell that is relevant to the conversation - that is not something I do deliberately, it just is something I seem to do. I also just naturally seem to remember stories that people have told me about themselves which people seem to appreciate and it definitely engages them, but I am genuinely interested, it is not some contrived strategy.

I find my persona on MN is a place where I exhibit no charisma at all though, in fact I wind people up massively. I find it so odd that I am deeply dislikable on MN yet in RL it is the exact opposite. I surmise it is something to do with what @5128gap is saying that it is all about being able to read people which is much more difficult via a written conversation but part of me quite likes being hated on MN as it is such a contrast to my rl.

I agree that it can be difficult to have authentic relationships with them though. They are like chameleons and will adapt themselves to blend easily into any situation.

This is spot on, I fall into this category or I used to, now I’m post menopausal I just can’t be arsed anymore.

Bill Clinton had it in spades apparently. Everyone who met him said he made you feel you were the most important person in the room.

It's interesting thinking about the specific qualities that make up charisma.

I can think of a couple of quite junior people in my team at work who I would say have the magic charismatic quality - certainly in a work context (obviously it helps in both cases that they are just very very good at their jobs) but I would imagine in their personal lives too, as they always give the impression that they are genuinely interested and only to happy to help with whatever task you set them, but in general just come as across as smiley positive people. You can obviously aim to give the impression you're smiley and interested in people and helpful but I imagine for it to really be charismatic it needs to be genuine. I don't mean be a walkover or a people pleaser though, as I think people who are genuinely like this also have the confidence to know their own boundaries are reasonable and stick to them, and that seems to be respected, because of the fact they are charismatic.

I definitely think some people are naturally charismatic. There are people who have a natural charisma without being good-looking, or even particularly nice.

I don't necessarily think 'charismatic' is the same thing as 'likeable' although of course they do sometimes go together.

I don't get the charisma thing. I don't know anyone nor have I ever come across anybody I'd describe as charismatic. Any time somebody has been described as the life and soul of the party, a scream etc I've usually found them to be an arrogant show off whose company I could bear for a maximum of 10 minutes.

Exactly. That's why charisma has to be a movable feast. It would take an entirely different set of behaviours to draw and hold you than it would to charm people attracted to chatty big personalities. The truly charismatic know this and when to be what.

See, that's interesting because I don't associate charisma with being 'the life and soul of the party' at all! I just think those are two totally different things.

I mean, I'm sure some loud and sociable people also have charisma, but someone can just as easily be charismatic while also being quiet and non-gregarious. I think truly charismatic people probably don't need to be the life and soul of the party.

I’ve been called charismatic. I’ve been told a light shines on me, or that I just have something about me. I am not particularly pretty, I’m alright I suppose but certainly not more than my friends, I am quite shy inside etc so I don’t see where it comes from. I don’t feel charismatic, I often feel overlooked and underestimated actually.

My dad died young and I’m told he was charismatic too.

I’ve thought about it a lot and the only noticeable difference between me and my friends is that I walk very boldly, and if I squint my eyes a bit and tilt my head to the left, I can get away with ANYTHING 🤣

I am not this either. I have a very distinct style and way. Like a PP said, I don’t think charisma equals likeable either. Some people have hated me on sight, and then liked me despite themselves. I am friends with a lot of people like that.

i have a friend who I think is very charismatic, funny and talented, and she can be a real cow so who knows what it is.

I think you've probably misunderstood what charisma is.

It's really interesting to me that we seem to have so many definitions of charisma here:

@RaraRachael I don't think a "life and soul" person is the same as someone with charisma. Certainly not someone who is obviously a social show-off. A social show-off is usually just someone who is overcompensating for their insecurities by being a clown (often also a drunk). To me that's not charisma that's attention seeking. A genuinely charismatic person doesn't need to overdo it like this.

A really charismatic person does have to be good at reading people and understanding what they need/want, which is why politicians are often described as "charismatic". It can therefore have a manipulative quality, in that charismatic people can "play" other people to get them to do what they want for and end goal (money/promotion/power/sex). And interesting that @SarahAndQuack thinks its usually a protective mechanism. I don't totally agree about that.

But I think its more active than simply being confident. You can be accidentally confident because you're comfortable in your own skin and therefore quiet and don't have to try too hard but to me charisma implies a certain degree of intent and has a slightly "showbiz" quality about it.

A charismatic person has something about them which distinguishes them from other people, whether that's being funny, being good at public speaking or just having a "presence", but it's more than just being chilled and happy with yourself.

Very hard to define.