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Original poster

Are some people just naturally charismatic?

95 replies

thunderboltcity66 · 14/09/2023 18:38

I have a friend who I love to bits. She's great fun to be around, generous, a great host and very funny. She's had a bit of a chaotic life - in and out of jobs, bad relationships, doesn't stick at much for long but it seems that whatever situation she finds herself in she lands on her feet and people love her. I suspect because she is a naturally loveable, very well turned out and charismatic person.

Our boys grew up together and I see the same pattern with them. They are both in their teens now and her ds gets picked for everything at school (house captain and so on) and has lots of girls after him. My ds is popular and doing well academically but doesn't seem to stand out from the crowd in the same way.

There is no bitterness or jealously here by the way. I love her and her son like family. It just made me think do some people have the X factor if you like? Is it hereditary if so!!!

OP posts:
HRTQueen · 14/09/2023 21:12

Yes

my brother is very charismatic. He is my half brother we share our dad. My dad and I can be charming but I think my brothers charisma is from his mums side. She has passed away and I didn’t really know her but one of her sisters is the same everyone loves them and they charm everyone around them

I do often wonder if my brother has learnt to mask his depression to such a degree that he switches on and at times it’s an act

Ive met Tony Blair a few times and he is (or was) so charismatic everyone was just happy to be in his presence (he had just become Labour leader and a short while later PM when I met him)

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 21:37

@SarahAndQuack

I strongly disagree with this. I think charisma often comes from a place of lack of confidence - it's a survival strategy (conscious or not). It's a way of conveying 'yes, I am essential, you want me here'.

Interesting; so you're suggesting charisma is fundamentally manipulative? (deliberately or otherwise). It definitely can be manipulative. People who are very ambitious often use charisma to manipulate others for promotion/financial gain or for sex. And insecure people can develop a charismatic front.

But I'm not sure it's automatically manipulative. Some people are naturally the centre of attention, enjoy showing their personalities and just feel comfortable being the centre of attention. That's not automatically an insecurity thing. Sometimes it's how people tick. My dad (now deceased) was very charismatic and it just felt very much part of his personality. He wasn't particularly ambitious and he certainly wasn't manipulative. He was a show-off but it was more for his own amusement than anything I think.

MonkeyChiselTree · 14/09/2023 21:40

Yes and no. As a kid I absolutely wouldn't have been described as charismatic but I noticed people who were so thought I'd fake it till I made it. Many years on and people would now describe me as such but I have worked at it.

That said there were kids who were even at a young age so I do also think there is a natural inbuilt personality trait.

Abra1t · 14/09/2023 21:46

billysillydilly · 14/09/2023 20:02

You can be sociable and have the gift of the gab, funny but that doesn't necessarily mean charisma, that's another level.

I agree. Sometimes charismatic people don’t even talk much. It’s not the same as being charming.

MonkeyChiselTree · 14/09/2023 21:46

thecatsthecats · 14/09/2023 20:55

Same, in the sense that I don't have an automatic charisma, but I can certainly 'hold the room' when I'm in the mood to. Comes in very handy for interviews.

I do clam up with quiet people though. It's like if everyone is giving off 3/5 energy, I can raise it to 5/5, but 1/5 makes me 1/5 too.

Show quote history

I can talk to anyone about anything. Friends in the past have marvelled at my small talk abilities. But DH and I were put on the same table as a couple for an event and my god it was painful. Literally couldn't get anything back. Nothing at all. One word answers to open questions 🤣 So DH and I got absolutely smashed to make the evening bearable (couldn't move tables. You had to stay as you'd been paired for the event. Next time we went to the event people asked us if we'd like to be paired with the couple again. The look of horror on mine and DH's faces!!)

SarahAndQuack · 14/09/2023 21:50

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 21:37

@SarahAndQuack

I strongly disagree with this. I think charisma often comes from a place of lack of confidence - it's a survival strategy (conscious or not). It's a way of conveying 'yes, I am essential, you want me here'.

Interesting; so you're suggesting charisma is fundamentally manipulative? (deliberately or otherwise). It definitely can be manipulative. People who are very ambitious often use charisma to manipulate others for promotion/financial gain or for sex. And insecure people can develop a charismatic front.

But I'm not sure it's automatically manipulative. Some people are naturally the centre of attention, enjoy showing their personalities and just feel comfortable being the centre of attention. That's not automatically an insecurity thing. Sometimes it's how people tick. My dad (now deceased) was very charismatic and it just felt very much part of his personality. He wasn't particularly ambitious and he certainly wasn't manipulative. He was a show-off but it was more for his own amusement than anything I think.

No, I don't think charisma is automatically manipulative. But I think the reason human beings are charismatic is as a survival strategy. Once we no longer 'need' to charm people, it is even more effective.

I don't think charisma has anything to do with wanting to be the centre of attention or showing your personality, though. Some of the most charismatic people I've know have also been the most private.

Fordian · 14/09/2023 21:52

Absolutely. Some people have charisma.

It is a thing.

I was at HCP college in the early 80s with one. She just had 'something'.

wayyour · 14/09/2023 21:56

I have a couple of friends like this from over the years. I don't know what it is (I'd like it) it's an inner confidence and charm. They're also quite laid back and calming.

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 22:03

I don't think charisma has anything to do with wanting to be the centre of attention or showing your personality, though. Some of the most charismatic people I've know have also been the most private.

Are we talking about charisma or confidence? To me those are two different things (which might or might not overlap). You can be confident and quiet but comfortable in your skin, command respect and hold a room without talking very much etc. Charisma to me implies something more extrovert and active: someone with a very distinctive personality.

SarahAndQuack · 14/09/2023 22:21

Thepeopleversuswork · 14/09/2023 22:03

I don't think charisma has anything to do with wanting to be the centre of attention or showing your personality, though. Some of the most charismatic people I've know have also been the most private.

Are we talking about charisma or confidence? To me those are two different things (which might or might not overlap). You can be confident and quiet but comfortable in your skin, command respect and hold a room without talking very much etc. Charisma to me implies something more extrovert and active: someone with a very distinctive personality.

My understanding of it is that, if you meet a charismatic person, you want to be with them; you feel you like them and would like to know them better. They are someone you want to hear more from. They might be quite quiet - or they might not - but the key thing is that you feel you'd like to be with them more.

It's not the same as being extroverted or active. Many people who are active extroverts come across as absolute wankers, don't they? We all know someone who's always banging on about being the life and soul of the party, while everyone tries to slip away.

Auntpodder · 14/09/2023 22:33

Even though I'm a total introvert (and very patchy self-esteem), my job requires good social skills so I had to develop them. To my total amazement in recent years, people have said I have charisma. I have no idea if I do or not, but introversion does mean I like listening more than talking, read rooms quite well, but also, if there is a silence I yabber on.

Appleandoranges · 14/09/2023 22:47

Not sure whether it's such a great quality. People often say famous people have charisma. But did they have charisma before being famous? Or is it the fact that they are already famous which leads people to think they are charismatic. Also do agree that some people use their charisma to hide failings or be manipulative. Dictators often have some sort of charisma. Also some people may have charisma in different settings. Some people in social settings/some people on a stage. I think it's a nice quality to have, but somewhat superficial as it can get switched off fairly easily and makes people drawn and be sympathetic to maybe not so nice people.

NooNooHead1981 · 14/09/2023 22:58

My eldest DD aged 12 was definitely like this when younger, and my youngest DD aged 3 I'd say is like it now. She is extremely friendly, happy, charismatic and literally talks (and shouts hello!) to anyone - only yesterday she shouted hi to a man up the road when we were walking home from school, and he was bending down and shaking the dust off his car mats cleaning his car! 😳😅🤣 It's wonderful just how sweet and funny she is, but goodness only knows where she gets it from! Certainly not my DH lol 😆

I'm definitely sure it's a combination of intelligence, innate charm, personality, gregarious nature and bringing the best thing to every person she meets. She never fails to raise a smile.

HolaPepper · 14/09/2023 23:00

Yes some people are charismatic. One of my children is. She's just naturally easy going, laid back, is liked my most people, voted school captain by her class mates despite not being a stand out achiever in anything in particular. She has different sets of friends who all seem fond of her. She is genuinely quite funny (funny ha ha, not strange), witty and able to have a laugh and a joke at herself. I'm in awe of her quick wit!

She can diffuse brewing arguments between siblings, and she doesn't make a fuss if she's on the receiving end of some occasional sibling 'nastiness'. She's pretty smart but not top of her class, she's quite humble and is pleased by simple things in life.

I don't know where she gets it from because I'm 100% sure that neither I nor her siblings are charismatic! My DH is Mr Nice and loved by all. I wouldn't say he's charismatic, but he is one of life's nice people.

I'd say she's got the X factor.

Tonight1 · 14/09/2023 23:00

Some people have an easy going charm. I'm far too tetchy for that :)

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/09/2023 23:02

My uncle is like this, people just adore him, and in his line of work it's made him an absolute fortune.

A family friend once described it as "when you see him, it feels as if you are the one person he was hoping he'd run into today."

Positive41 · 14/09/2023 23:04

I think some people have it but it can be just confidence and people love confident people

With me, people don't know how to take me. I look guarded but I love talking to people and I am genuinely interested in their life and who they are. One on One, I think people see this. In a group, I have had eyes watching me as if, who is she/who does she think she is.

One person said I was like honey to a bee. A real compliment but it took effort. Everyone is welcome in my circle.

I look at charismatic people - they are friendly, have an aura about them, a great energy and somewhat aloof because they know it.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 14/09/2023 23:04

Oh, and like your friend's son, he's always been like that. My mum says on family holidays as kids, they wouldn't have unpacked the car before he'd found himself a gang of buddies.

Holdmysunhat · 14/09/2023 23:27

I’ve been thinking about people who I’d describe as charismatic/magnetic and trying to figure out what they have in common. I’d say they’re all intelligent - though not always in an academic way - and more confident than average. They’re all passionate about different things - music, politics, art, mountaineering - and somehow make life seem more fun. They seem to be very absorbed by stuff and present in the moment and are a little unpredictable too.

A very charismatic and cool woman I know through a hobby once made a joke about masturbating in front of a group of people she didn’t know well. 99.9% of people wouldn’t have been able to pull it off but she did and they loved it. She’s not young or beautiful and wasn’t saying it in a sexual or self deprecating way. It just crossed her mind as witty and she said it.

UsingChangeofName · 14/09/2023 23:39

Yes, I think there is something innate, but I also think there is an element of what has been modelled to people and encouraged.

A mix of nature and nurture I guess.

TheaBrandt · 14/09/2023 23:46

It’s extremely rare surely? People like bill Clinton or Princess Diana. Remember reading even journalists who purported to dislike bill Clinton were bowled over when they actually met him in person. Harry styles is another one.

WandaWonder · 14/09/2023 23:57

I think there is a normal charisma and a sense of being genuine like it

Then there is the smarmy pyscho version

Version one is perfectly OK and some people have it

Fizzadora · 15/09/2023 00:01

Ive met Tony Blair a few times and he is (or was) so charismatic everyone was just happy to be in his presence (he had just become Labour leader and a short while later PM when I met him)

Really? I thought he was a slimy git when I first met him....... I was right.

Inauthentic · 15/09/2023 02:04

I’m interested you say your friend “always lands on her feet and people like her’, OP, but also say she’s had a chaotic life, and is in and out of jobs and bad relationships’ and doesn’t stick at anything. Why do you think she hasn’t been able to turn her charisma, good looks etc into success in the workplace, and why she doesn’t have her pick of decent men?

This. I came across people like this. They were inconsistent, unreliable and I didn't find them trustworthy.

I can see how they can be charming to other people but I found their charm to be superficial and it doesn't work on me.

TrishM80 · 15/09/2023 03:00

TheaBrandt · 14/09/2023 23:46

It’s extremely rare surely? People like bill Clinton or Princess Diana. Remember reading even journalists who purported to dislike bill Clinton were bowled over when they actually met him in person. Harry styles is another one.

Princess Diana is a cultural icon, no doubt, but I wouldn't have classed her as particularly charismatic.

Clinton yes. And JFK, Elvis, Muhammad Ali for example.

I find it harder to think of charismatic women. The late comedienne Joan Rivers, definitely. Marilyn Monroe, but was she actually charismatic or was that just her beauty and "aura" being mistaken for charisma?!

Margaret Thatcher, was she "charismatic" or was it just she had a strong, overpowering personality (a bit like Trump really!)