Shit 'friend'... someone help me out here! So bloody confused!

[Arghusernamestress]

Pppftttt so irritated!

Will keep to short points to not bore!

Moved to a new area a few years back.

Woman walked passed me on my way out one day and said hi, got talking and realised she was a neighbour (lives 5 doors down).

Was grateful she approached me, as I DH and goldfishes :) had just moved in and didn't know anyone.

Fast forward 3.5 years; since that day, we've maintained what I hoped was a friendship growing, but I've recently concluded, she's just a fake self absorbed attention seeking friend, who likes to live secluded in her own world, with the comfort of knowing she has a genuine caring friend in me, at her convenience!

Over the entire 3.5 years, we've met maximum 5 times! Any efforts she has made, have piggybacked on my relentless efforts to build a friendhsip, patience and flexibility to suit her forever 'doom and gloom' circumstances, which frankly speaking, I now believe were insanely exaggerated! Mostly around her PILs (I'm guessing this is MN term for parent in laws)!

Half way through this time, after she'd ghosted me on plans a ridiculous number of times (half of which she'd ask for my availability with enthusiasm), after I made myself available, I sent her a very mature message saying in short, I don't have the confidence to make more plans with her and called her out politely on flaking and disrespecting me by disrespecting my time, and that, while I've been insanely understanding of her family commitments (she runs around her very capable PILs and high school child), that I also have a life and if anything, I work FT (she doesn't work, and her PILs live half hour away) in a stressful job and was making myself available on very precious free time, only to be left hanging with no alternative plans and many a precious day going to pot!.

She immediately apologised and we arranged lunch (this was last December) and she made the commitment, and because I valued our 'friendship', I gave her a second chance. But then nothing from her since.

But then we bumped into each other at the local shop 2 months ago, and she was acting all pally pally and in conversation mentioned how she takes our friendship for granted because I'm just down the road! I thought this was cheeky as f and remained short with her until I could shake her off, because I found her fake over enthusiasm so jarring at this point!

After, I actually thought, F THIS, I'm done expecting anything from this woman and cracked on with my life.

Now she's sent me a random message telling me how they had to take her FIL to hospital and how she hopes I'm well. No other context, no how are you? Can we talk? Nothing! I know he had a health scare last year and have no idea if he has now died!

I absolutely detest such attention seeking sophisticated messages from anyone and shes F notorious for them! Like be straight up! I don't have time to decode messages! Unless it's a close family or friend, then I'd understand it totally differently!

I actually didn't know how to reply, and have simply sent well wishes and that I'm also very busy my best friend is getting married and she knows this! We've exchanged a few more messages with her taking the sophisticated attention seeking approach of how stressful 'it' has all been for her, while wishing I'm having fun! I mean, does she want me to apologise for having fun with wedding festivities? Absolutely the f not! So I've persevered with the surface level platonic responses to her nonsense, without giving her an ounce of attention for 'her life', and no comments on the obvious offensive 'poor me here while you're having loads of fun'!

She then told me she's there for me if I need her (same old empty words everytime - given she's so obviously not dependable or reliable!... just total sounds good bs!) got me a present from a weekend away, and if she could 'drop it off'. Yes. She's never been inside my home, nor invited me into hers, because she's always 'oh so rushed and busy'. Even though isn't that what neighbour friends do - invite each other over once you mutually understand you're friends? I simply told her I needed head space and was busy with my life and wedding and would get back to her when I can.

I don't want her gift, nor do I want to drag out this strange whatever you want to call it.

I know I may come across as really unfriendly. I swear I'm the opposite. I am a genuine friend, make lots of effort, yet not clingy or needy, just a genuine friend!

And I'm always nice to her kids, husband and PILs when I see them (and will of course maintain neighbourly courtesy smiles and greetings when I see her - which really is rarely - and her kids).

My definition of friendship involves being in each others lives, meeting up as regularly as realistically possible, and knowing the basics of each others lives. So much has happened in my life over the last three years, and this neighbour barely knows any of it, because our few catch ups have been her [as I now recognise in hindsight] emotional dumping and me offering a genuine ear, handholding somewhat and sound advice!

I work FT. I have a life and can always find something to do. I make time for the people I like. I just feel a little put out with her and a irritated for making so much wasted effort towards her and her children (lots of gifting on my part at Xmas, Easter etc, and for her).

I feel confused about what the F she actually wants from me. I mean we live 5 doors apart! I have better friendships with friends who live hours and even countries apart!

AIBU IN MY JUDGMENT OF HER BEING A FLAKY FAKE SELF ABSORBED RECLUSIVE FRIEND?

I would genuinely appreciate other people's opinions on this sort of behaviour! Because regardless of my judgement, I still just don't get it!

And how do I shake her off fully?! After my last attempt, I really don't want to whats the word, erm, dignify her bs with another mature text officially ending our whatever she wants to call it! She's just not that important!

It's bothering me knowing she'll send me a 'seasonal message' as self assurance that I'm still around!

Apologies for the language. I'm pissed off! 😤

There's an awful lot to unpack from your initial post (well, all of them) but you twice I think mentioned she's recluse. Might have something to do with her flakiness?

If you feel you've made too much effort, probably time to stop. I'm sure she doesn't mean harm - who buys a gift for someone they want to deliberately mess about...

That said your apparent anger at her not remembering your other friend is getting married, when this lady's FIL is taken ill, seems odd. Perhaps I misread the timing. Are you sure this lady is the self-absorbed person here, rather than a flaky recluse who wants to be sociable but just isn't that good at it?

Ok just get the thread deleted if you want and chill.

Could it be that she truly likes you but is also busy and yes, a bit flaky with planning things?

It sounds like you're overthinking this. I would chill a bit!

This is your own fault for staying friends with a person who you only saw five times in 3 1/2 years. I would’ve dropped the relationship from the off

Okay so there might be cultural issues at play here (between yourself and other Mumsnetters, not you and the other woman) but this all suggests a woman who was being nice and friendly because she was excited to see that a woman of her shared minority group was living a few doors down from her, who couldn't commit to the level of friendship you wanted from her.

AND SHE APPROACHED ME IN THE STREET WHEN I WAS HEADING TO THE LOCAL SHOP! SHE AS A STRANGER APPROACHED ME AS A STRANGER

Is your culture one that's known for being especially reserved? Because saying hello to a neighbour is pretty normal in most countries, and it's very normal and polite to say hello to someone when you're both minorities and both from the same country. You mentioned that she only lives a few doors down from you so she presumably had seen you around and knew that you were her neighbour.

proceeded to prod and poke to establish where I lived, despite my reservations with oversharing!
You're neighbours, asking where a neighbour lives is totally normal polite smalltalk. If you found her opening question intrusive then why on earth did you spend 3-4 years giving her presents and stuff? Most people would not considering telling someone who lives on your street "oh yeah I'm at number 27" to be oversharing.

BEFORE I GOT CAUGHT IN THE TRAP OF EMBARRASSINGLY MAKING WAY TOO MUCH EFFORT
But why do you think making small talk to a neighbour is "making way too much effort"? Why do you need to make too much effort? Why not just treat her the same way she treats you, ie as a casual acquaintance she's on friendly terms with and occasionally gets coffee with? And how did you go from being affronted that she "approached" and "prodded" you, to chasing her friendship and giving her presents, to sending her angry texts confronting her for not being as close a friend as you want her to be, to this?

Why does everyone have to be either a bosom buddy, or someone you won't speak to at all?

I am not trying to be unkind OP, but it is odd to read. In the real world it's very normal to have casual friends, and people you are on good terms with and see occasionally but are not best friends with. Everything you've written indicates that this woman was excited to see another woman from her own country, said hello to be neighbourly, but just wasn't interested in a best friend (and is probably quite flaky as a person) and now feel guilty because you obviously want a much closer friendship than she does.

Aaah OP, don't take it to heart. Your post was a little unusual and I don't think the humour on the comments has been too unkind. People do rib each other a bit on MN, and sometimes that can give you a bit of perspective to see things from a different angle.

Also, seeing this last post from you, I think there's cultural differences at play here. Humour and mickey-taking is quite a British habit - we use humour to convey many things! It's not intended to be cruel.

It sounds like you have other friends, so try to just let this go. It's hard to understand other people sometimes, and it's easy to misread their intentions. I say this as an autistic woman myself who regularly gets this wrong! Best of luck to you.

Omg you are so much hard work. You have made this gigantic issue with someone who you have met FIVE times?! You sound intense and obsessed with her and I'm certain that's why she keeps a distance. Do you not see how intense you are?

People keep saying MET five times. That's not what happened here.
It's pretty ridiculous to criticize someone this way when you apparently can't even read.

To be fair the OP explicitly says in her opening post "we've met maximum five times."

It was only in a subsequent post that she clarified she was using "met" to mean "intentionally arranged a meet up in a specific location" and that they'd met in passing many more times than that.

I don't think people are wrong in taking such an bald statement from an opening post at face value, without reading subsequent posts in much detail. And OP's posts are incredible long and have a lot of anger and all-caps, so it's understandable that people aren't going to read them closely just in case the info in the opening post is incorrect.

But also, if almost all of the times they've spoken to each other were just "neighbours bumped into each other in passing" and only 5 were actively deciding to get coffee or whatever together, that still says something about the nature of the friendship. They're neighbours, you'd expect neighbours to bump into each other frequently. If I was bumping into someone frequently in passing but almost never hung out with them properly, I'd assume we were acquaintances who were on friendly terms, not close friends.