Shit 'friend'... someone help me out here! So bloody confused!

[Arghusernamestress]

Pppftttt so irritated!

Will keep to short points to not bore!

Moved to a new area a few years back.

Woman walked passed me on my way out one day and said hi, got talking and realised she was a neighbour (lives 5 doors down).

Was grateful she approached me, as I DH and goldfishes :) had just moved in and didn't know anyone.

Fast forward 3.5 years; since that day, we've maintained what I hoped was a friendship growing, but I've recently concluded, she's just a fake self absorbed attention seeking friend, who likes to live secluded in her own world, with the comfort of knowing she has a genuine caring friend in me, at her convenience!

Over the entire 3.5 years, we've met maximum 5 times! Any efforts she has made, have piggybacked on my relentless efforts to build a friendhsip, patience and flexibility to suit her forever 'doom and gloom' circumstances, which frankly speaking, I now believe were insanely exaggerated! Mostly around her PILs (I'm guessing this is MN term for parent in laws)!

Half way through this time, after she'd ghosted me on plans a ridiculous number of times (half of which she'd ask for my availability with enthusiasm), after I made myself available, I sent her a very mature message saying in short, I don't have the confidence to make more plans with her and called her out politely on flaking and disrespecting me by disrespecting my time, and that, while I've been insanely understanding of her family commitments (she runs around her very capable PILs and high school child), that I also have a life and if anything, I work FT (she doesn't work, and her PILs live half hour away) in a stressful job and was making myself available on very precious free time, only to be left hanging with no alternative plans and many a precious day going to pot!.

She immediately apologised and we arranged lunch (this was last December) and she made the commitment, and because I valued our 'friendship', I gave her a second chance. But then nothing from her since.

But then we bumped into each other at the local shop 2 months ago, and she was acting all pally pally and in conversation mentioned how she takes our friendship for granted because I'm just down the road! I thought this was cheeky as f and remained short with her until I could shake her off, because I found her fake over enthusiasm so jarring at this point!

After, I actually thought, F THIS, I'm done expecting anything from this woman and cracked on with my life.

Now she's sent me a random message telling me how they had to take her FIL to hospital and how she hopes I'm well. No other context, no how are you? Can we talk? Nothing! I know he had a health scare last year and have no idea if he has now died!

I absolutely detest such attention seeking sophisticated messages from anyone and shes F notorious for them! Like be straight up! I don't have time to decode messages! Unless it's a close family or friend, then I'd understand it totally differently!

I actually didn't know how to reply, and have simply sent well wishes and that I'm also very busy my best friend is getting married and she knows this! We've exchanged a few more messages with her taking the sophisticated attention seeking approach of how stressful 'it' has all been for her, while wishing I'm having fun! I mean, does she want me to apologise for having fun with wedding festivities? Absolutely the f not! So I've persevered with the surface level platonic responses to her nonsense, without giving her an ounce of attention for 'her life', and no comments on the obvious offensive 'poor me here while you're having loads of fun'!

She then told me she's there for me if I need her (same old empty words everytime - given she's so obviously not dependable or reliable!... just total sounds good bs!) got me a present from a weekend away, and if she could 'drop it off'. Yes. She's never been inside my home, nor invited me into hers, because she's always 'oh so rushed and busy'. Even though isn't that what neighbour friends do - invite each other over once you mutually understand you're friends? I simply told her I needed head space and was busy with my life and wedding and would get back to her when I can.

I don't want her gift, nor do I want to drag out this strange whatever you want to call it.

I know I may come across as really unfriendly. I swear I'm the opposite. I am a genuine friend, make lots of effort, yet not clingy or needy, just a genuine friend!

And I'm always nice to her kids, husband and PILs when I see them (and will of course maintain neighbourly courtesy smiles and greetings when I see her - which really is rarely - and her kids).

My definition of friendship involves being in each others lives, meeting up as regularly as realistically possible, and knowing the basics of each others lives. So much has happened in my life over the last three years, and this neighbour barely knows any of it, because our few catch ups have been her [as I now recognise in hindsight] emotional dumping and me offering a genuine ear, handholding somewhat and sound advice!

I work FT. I have a life and can always find something to do. I make time for the people I like. I just feel a little put out with her and a irritated for making so much wasted effort towards her and her children (lots of gifting on my part at Xmas, Easter etc, and for her).

I feel confused about what the F she actually wants from me. I mean we live 5 doors apart! I have better friendships with friends who live hours and even countries apart!

AIBU IN MY JUDGMENT OF HER BEING A FLAKY FAKE SELF ABSORBED RECLUSIVE FRIEND?

I would genuinely appreciate other people's opinions on this sort of behaviour! Because regardless of my judgement, I still just don't get it!

And how do I shake her off fully?! After my last attempt, I really don't want to whats the word, erm, dignify her bs with another mature text officially ending our whatever she wants to call it! She's just not that important!

It's bothering me knowing she'll send me a 'seasonal message' as self assurance that I'm still around!

Apologies for the language. I'm pissed off! 😤

@Arghusernamestress I suspect you are confused because there is a big gap between what neighbour says, and what she actually does. Because you are probably a more straightforward person, mean what you say, say what you mean person. Who knows why she does this?! Ultimately, it doesn't matter. The fact that she does what she does would have me pulling back to vague pleasantries on meeting. Trying to work her out is stressing you, is it not? That way, madness lies. We don't need to understand everything, we just need to know how to act in our best interests.

Honestly OP you sound very over-invested and your behaviour is quite odd. You may have scared her off.

Maybe because you are relatively new to the area you are looking really hard for meaningful friendships. The thing is, to be blunt, most people aren’t that fussed about people they have just met. If they like you they will give you a go and hang out but they are not going to invest that much. That’s not to say you can’t become real friends but if you rush headlong onto treating everyone ad a potential bestie it’s going to seem way too intense for most people.

I don’t think she’s done anything wrong really. She’s friendly without over committing to you which is what most people would do approaching a new friendship.

She is flaky and that may because she’s disorganised or because she’s not that bothered but you confronting her will probably just have seemed weird. It’s not a romantic relationship: she doesn’t owe you her time or loyalty, You have only known her a few years. If she’s unreliable just let her go rather than trying to back her into being something she’s not.

You can’t force people to be your friend. Chill out and back off a bit and you will probably find the whole thing much easier.

You sound angry, overinvested and bitter. She bought you a present, but she's not allowed bring it round because she's never been to your house before. That makes no sense. She's clearly making an effort, but you're complaining that she never makes an effort. She can't win!

Look mate too long. Not sure what you're after from “friendly neighbours” but here is the pinnacle of our friendship with our neighbours -

“Hey Tom, hows it going?
Good good
Been hot/cold hasn't it?”

“Hello Jane! Wondered if we could ask for a solid favour. Away for two weeks would you don't dragging green bin out? Cheers thanks jane”

“Hi Ruth. Oh no has little Jimmy broken his arm? Oh dear hope he's better soon”.

Jobs a good un.

Read back your own OP.

"my relentless efforts to build a friendhsip"

"I just feel a little put out with her and a irritated for making so much wasted effort towards her and her children (lots of gifting on my part at Xmas, Easter etc, and for her)."

You've been buying Easter presents for her?

Your behaviour isn't within standard social norms, I'm sorry.

I know you wanted us to agree with you that she's flaky but I actually think it's you who is off kilter.

It's odd she's bought you a present but maybe she feels she has to because of all the presents you've bought her?

Don't waste time reflecting on her behaviour. Reflect on yours.

You reference to passing and gift exchanges made me imagine the pair of you hurling gifts at each other as you walked past 😅

Such a huge fuss over nothing very much . What's the point in complaining about seeing her infrequently when you obviously don't even like her .

Will keep to short points to not bore!

😂

You're being very intense. If you don't want to meet up with her, don't. But this post seems more detailed than the actual friendship. She is busy and not that into you, chalk it up to different ideas and focus on your own life (which sounds busy enough).

And friendly neighbours being polite don't send a random message saying their FIL has taken ill, and hope I'm having fun! He behaviour has been confusing, but I'm not confused about such oversharing randomly, if she sees me as just a neighbour!

I’m really struggling to understand what’s wrong with this. Her FIL is ill and she’s told you and that’s a problem why?

You talk about her seeing you as “just” a neighbour…. As if there’s a clear difference between neighbours and friends. There isn’t really.

You seem very keen to over interpret pretty normal behaviour.

Bloody heck, just move on.

Your behaviour isn't within standard social norms, I'm sorry.

It does sound a bit obsessive.

😂

Exactly this. Just be friendy when you see each other you aren't really friends

I'm surprised that it took you so long to 'read the room'. She wasn't invested so you need to let go, that's all there is to it. Life is too short for wasting time on people who just don't care.

Your reaction is so out of proportion to the actual situation you've described that you're almost scaring me. You are being really intense about this. You come across as almost hysterical in your anger.

She's a neighbour, you met up occasionally for a chat over the past three and a half years but it was no more than that. So what? She doesn't somehow owe you lifelong devotion because you happen to be neighbours. You're not going to best mates with everyone you meet. You were annoyed by her 'doom and gloom' conversations anyway, so it's not like you even enjoyed her company when you did meet. Just accept that you're not really mates and move on. There's really no need for all this ranting about people being fake, self-absorbed and attention-seeking.

She'd always express how much she valued my friendship and even her kids would say to me 'oh mum was saying she's been missing you and how much you mean to her'.

Really? This from a woman who has only met you five times? Right.

I have arranged meet ups and other people have arranged meet ups but even if they have arranged things they then make an excuse why they can’t be there on the day.

Once understandable

Twice unless a real genuine emergency they don’t get a 3rd time as when they want to rearrange I tell them I will get back to them and never do.

If we meet I am still friendly and agree we must get together at some point. Then move on with my life.

I can’t understand why you kept trying to arrange stuff and kept getting let down. Surely after a couple of times you wouldn’t organise anything more and would be busy if she was trying to arrange things.

You seem to be complaining about someone you barely know and classifying her in the close friend category

Maybe she makes a drama of her life because she is trying to politely tell you that she hasn’t time for you but realises you are over invested in her and is trying to let you down gently. She doesn’t want to drop you completely or upset you but wants to keep you as a friendly acquaintance

Dude, you've met up five times. Chill out.

OMG do you fancy her?!?!?!like some kind of girl crush type thing?

I'm so invested in what the Xmas and Easter presents were.

What on earth kind of an Easter present do you get for a neighbour you've barely met?

If you've only met up 5 times and never been into each others houses, how come you exchange gifts? Do you hand them over in the street?

I think you're way too invested

How do we help you out? We need to decide if she is your friend or not? 😂

You're looking for a level of friendship that she doesn't want/isn't able to give. It's fine to have friends that are casual, that you see infrequently, that you only check in with every so often. Not every friendship has to be deep and intense. I have some friends I see once a year and might message every 3/4 months. I have some friends I see every week or so and am in contact with most days.

If you enjoy her company then just see her when it works out and don't worry about it. If you don't enjoy her company then who cares about any of it? Just live your life and be pleasant to her when you see her.

A very mature message you say ……

Geeze, you're full on.