Shit 'friend'... someone help me out here! So bloody confused!

[Arghusernamestress]

Pppftttt so irritated!

Will keep to short points to not bore!

Moved to a new area a few years back.

Woman walked passed me on my way out one day and said hi, got talking and realised she was a neighbour (lives 5 doors down).

Was grateful she approached me, as I DH and goldfishes :) had just moved in and didn't know anyone.

Fast forward 3.5 years; since that day, we've maintained what I hoped was a friendship growing, but I've recently concluded, she's just a fake self absorbed attention seeking friend, who likes to live secluded in her own world, with the comfort of knowing she has a genuine caring friend in me, at her convenience!

Over the entire 3.5 years, we've met maximum 5 times! Any efforts she has made, have piggybacked on my relentless efforts to build a friendhsip, patience and flexibility to suit her forever 'doom and gloom' circumstances, which frankly speaking, I now believe were insanely exaggerated! Mostly around her PILs (I'm guessing this is MN term for parent in laws)!

Half way through this time, after she'd ghosted me on plans a ridiculous number of times (half of which she'd ask for my availability with enthusiasm), after I made myself available, I sent her a very mature message saying in short, I don't have the confidence to make more plans with her and called her out politely on flaking and disrespecting me by disrespecting my time, and that, while I've been insanely understanding of her family commitments (she runs around her very capable PILs and high school child), that I also have a life and if anything, I work FT (she doesn't work, and her PILs live half hour away) in a stressful job and was making myself available on very precious free time, only to be left hanging with no alternative plans and many a precious day going to pot!.

She immediately apologised and we arranged lunch (this was last December) and she made the commitment, and because I valued our 'friendship', I gave her a second chance. But then nothing from her since.

But then we bumped into each other at the local shop 2 months ago, and she was acting all pally pally and in conversation mentioned how she takes our friendship for granted because I'm just down the road! I thought this was cheeky as f and remained short with her until I could shake her off, because I found her fake over enthusiasm so jarring at this point!

After, I actually thought, F THIS, I'm done expecting anything from this woman and cracked on with my life.

Now she's sent me a random message telling me how they had to take her FIL to hospital and how she hopes I'm well. No other context, no how are you? Can we talk? Nothing! I know he had a health scare last year and have no idea if he has now died!

I absolutely detest such attention seeking sophisticated messages from anyone and shes F notorious for them! Like be straight up! I don't have time to decode messages! Unless it's a close family or friend, then I'd understand it totally differently!

I actually didn't know how to reply, and have simply sent well wishes and that I'm also very busy my best friend is getting married and she knows this! We've exchanged a few more messages with her taking the sophisticated attention seeking approach of how stressful 'it' has all been for her, while wishing I'm having fun! I mean, does she want me to apologise for having fun with wedding festivities? Absolutely the f not! So I've persevered with the surface level platonic responses to her nonsense, without giving her an ounce of attention for 'her life', and no comments on the obvious offensive 'poor me here while you're having loads of fun'!

She then told me she's there for me if I need her (same old empty words everytime - given she's so obviously not dependable or reliable!... just total sounds good bs!) got me a present from a weekend away, and if she could 'drop it off'. Yes. She's never been inside my home, nor invited me into hers, because she's always 'oh so rushed and busy'. Even though isn't that what neighbour friends do - invite each other over once you mutually understand you're friends? I simply told her I needed head space and was busy with my life and wedding and would get back to her when I can.

I don't want her gift, nor do I want to drag out this strange whatever you want to call it.

I know I may come across as really unfriendly. I swear I'm the opposite. I am a genuine friend, make lots of effort, yet not clingy or needy, just a genuine friend!

And I'm always nice to her kids, husband and PILs when I see them (and will of course maintain neighbourly courtesy smiles and greetings when I see her - which really is rarely - and her kids).

My definition of friendship involves being in each others lives, meeting up as regularly as realistically possible, and knowing the basics of each others lives. So much has happened in my life over the last three years, and this neighbour barely knows any of it, because our few catch ups have been her [as I now recognise in hindsight] emotional dumping and me offering a genuine ear, handholding somewhat and sound advice!

I work FT. I have a life and can always find something to do. I make time for the people I like. I just feel a little put out with her and a irritated for making so much wasted effort towards her and her children (lots of gifting on my part at Xmas, Easter etc, and for her).

I feel confused about what the F she actually wants from me. I mean we live 5 doors apart! I have better friendships with friends who live hours and even countries apart!

AIBU IN MY JUDGMENT OF HER BEING A FLAKY FAKE SELF ABSORBED RECLUSIVE FRIEND?

I would genuinely appreciate other people's opinions on this sort of behaviour! Because regardless of my judgement, I still just don't get it!

And how do I shake her off fully?! After my last attempt, I really don't want to whats the word, erm, dignify her bs with another mature text officially ending our whatever she wants to call it! She's just not that important!

It's bothering me knowing she'll send me a 'seasonal message' as self assurance that I'm still around!

Apologies for the language. I'm pissed off! 😤

You obviously annoy each other and one of you at least is really, really boring.

Actions speak louder than words. If you’ve met up 5 times in 3.5 years and she lives 5 doors down, she isn't a friend. Maybe she wants others to think you are a friend to save her ego if she doesn't have many.

A mature message that stretched over 38 pages.... 😅

You sound like a very..."intense" person, OP.

Can people not quote the entire, torturous OP? Ffs

’my relentless efforts to build a friendhsip’-leave your neighbour alone. Cringing for you.

The second hand embarrassment is huge right! I'm cringing yet OP doesn't seem embarrassed 😳

You reference to passing and gift exchanges made me imagine the pair of you hurling gifts at each other as you walked past

Or doing it subtly yet in the open. Like spies.

I think pp that mentioned strong feelings might be on to something?

You seem way too intense, even on your posts.

Front and back.

I think you have met this woman and became the one who instigated a friendship, but when she didn't act as you expected you turned against her and saw your backside. The woman then tried to make amends, but you are now holding some sort of grudge and micro judge everything and anything you think you know

You met 5 times in more than 3 years. You are vague acquaintances- not friends. You don't know each other at all. You have no idea what she is like or vice versa

Chill and find your perspective.

Only read the first bit. Stop trying to build a friendship that doesn't want one?

Nobody owes anyone a friendship.

She seemed happy to be friendly and have the odd chat on occasion - that's what acquaintances do & it's better to be on civil polite terms with neighbours than not.

You can't insist on a friendship. You can't make someone behave how you would like. She's available for polite conversations on occasion, nothing more, nothing less. It's take it or leave it - you can't change it.

You don't know what the word sophisticated means.

Stop obsessing over a woman you've only met five times.

There's no indication that she's being "attention seeking", her texts are totally normal. It sounds like you're pressuring her for a closer friendship than she wants and she feels guilty, and is texting you nice normal update type of texts out of guilt.

I don't know why you feel you need to shake her off when you're the one doing all the obsessing and chasing. Just stop chasing after this woman's attention.

I'm sorry OP but this woman clearly regards you as just a neighbour she's on friendly terms with, and not an actual friend.

I would seek counselling if I were you. Way over the top.

You seem a way over invested. 5 times you've met, you've never stepped foot in each others house. This is not someone you should be labelling as a good friend. This is a neighbour.

And:

"I know I may come across as really unfriendlly."

Sorry but yes you do.

I have neighbors with whom I have this level of friendship. We do like each other very much. But we are all busy. We talk about getting together more than we do so. We do share what's happening with one another. I don't see a text saying that a family member is ill as "over sharing."

We will probably live here another 20-30 years. We are friends and do care about one another but don't have major social expectations of each other. I invite them to my annual party, they invite me to theirs. We do a few things as a neighborhood sometimes.

My neighbors across the street have been saying "We need to get together!" at least once a week since June! But only if I don't say it first. We mean it. We will do it. But not going to expect them to skip their beach trip or ignore their grandchildren for me.

Most people have known people like this on the edge of their lives. It’s normal. She’s just a busy, slightly complainy sort of neighbour who probably finds you as strange as you find her, - but she doesn’t dwell on it so much.
Then you sent her your ‘very mature message’ putting her straight and she probably thought …One of these days I must get old Argerhuser something to make up for upsetting her. Just say thanks, carry on as normal and stop contemplating her motives.

One of the more bizarre posts I've read ....

Can you explain what you mean by sophisticated texts?

Christ you sound exhausting!

I'd probs flake on you too tbh. You're too intense. 'Busy with your best friends wedding'? Unless you're marrying her yourself that isn't a huge commitment. You sound petty and rather self obsessed.

Maybe get yourself a hobby? Something to fill your time rather than stewing over a neighbour you have met 5 times! I have met my neighbours more than 5 times and they are all lovely but I wouldn’t refer to them as “friends” of mine. If one of them started texting me about how crap a friend I was and rubbish at meeting up etc I think I’d avoid them and maybe move...as this sounds like an infatuation perhaps.

OK, I'm so misunderstood right now, it's unreal! So will respectfully add a little context and respectfully bow out! Neighbour and I are from same African country and wear distinctive cultural clothing (we're not many where we live), AND SHE APPROACHED ME IN THE STREET WHEN I WAS HEADING TO THE LOCAL SHOP! SHE AS A STRANGER APPROACHED ME AS A STRANGER, because she identified with my clothing and was pleased to see someone else from 'her own' and proceeded to prod and poke to establish where I lived, despite my reservations with oversharing! And BEFORE I GOT CAUGHT IN THE TRAP OF EMBARRASSINGLY MAKING WAY TOO MUCH EFFORT, neighbour expressed explicitly that she would love to be friends and when we initially went out a few times for lunch, explicitly expressed how pleased she was to have met me and was so grateful for my genuine nature and FRIENDSHIP!

The only thing I'm taking away from this thread is A) really shouldn't be typing such a long post my bad B) Don't ever resort to MN for anything ever! When it became a playground for judgement, mockery and plain and simple adults commenting nasty for pure entertainment, I have no idea, but none of the nasty comments have any bearing on my judgement of the situation! Especially those 'cringing so hard'. Relax yourself. All that cringing must be difficult eye roll*.

Thank you for those who commented maturely. I have asked MN to remove my posy. Sheesh. What a royal error on my part. Unfollowing thread so crack on with the mockery and back slapping each other. Charming behaviour from adults.

Please do not shout?

It's really bad manners and it only demonstrates how "intense" you are

Yeah, this makes zero difference. I think your neighbour worked out very quickly that you're too high maintenance, very, very over the top and very arrogant actually 'disrespecting your time and your full-time job'. I'm so glad she worked it out and BACKED OFF.

Caps really make no difference, my friend. They just add to your dramatic posts as well, dramatic.