To not believe that my daughter is autistic?

[lionsandtigers21]

I know that may sound bad, but my dd17 seems utterly convinced that she has autism and ADHD and I just don’t buy it. She wasn’t always an easy child, but I don’t remember her having significant sensory issues or huge trouble with socialising. Now she’s a teenager, I think she may be depressed because she self-isolates so much but I think that’s the crux of it. She changed schools a lot as a child and I’ve also had issues in the past, so I accept that that may have caused problems. But I really can’t see how she would fit onto the autism spectrum. Her main argument is that, as a little girl, she would frequently go off on her own to collect stones (her special interest) and talk to herself instead of socialising or playing with toys, but she did definitely also have friends at that age. What she seems to remember as meltdowns seemed to me more like tantrums, and would normally occur if she was taken somewhere she didn’t want to go, although she did have unexplained tantrums as well (usually saying that she wanted to go home when she was already in the house and wanted to go back to being a baby) and I remember that she would cry dramatically as soon as I picked her up from school and all the way home at a certain period. She also told me that she would do things in class that would definitely been deemed socially inappropriate, liking uninhibitedly touching her private area in front of everyone until relatively late on in primary school and ignore the teacher who told her it was inappropriate, but I think a lot of kids are uninhibited? Things that might be considered ‘stimming’ she has always done to an extreme (she once scratched her face so much that I was convinced she had scabies!), but she could definitely make friends at school if she wanted to, even if she liked to be alone sometimes. Sensory-wise, I can’t really remember any issues aside from her hating me resting my head on her shoulder and putting my chin on her head, she also found things like nail filing very uncomfortable to witness. She insists that she struggles with social cues/situations today and engages in ‘masking’ behaviours where she unconsciously finds herself copying the speech and body language of those around her, but don’t we all do that? No one is the exact person at home and at school. She’s done things before that would suggest she’s a bit clueless, like exposing a lie that I told to my parents in a very excruciating situation (which I blamed her for at the time). There’s also more stuff that I could list, but does any of this override her apparent social competence as a child? I think the issues she has today are a result of lack of experience and isolating herself in a dark room rather than autism/ADHD? I don’t know, maybe I’m being facetious. Has anyone experienced this?
Thank you :)

I don't think anyone here can tell you. You need a formal diagnosis to be sure, but as your daughter is coming up to 18, I think that will end up being her choice, not yours.

Go to your GP and request an assessment.

I think you probably need to understand more about how differently autism presents especially in women and girls and how they can absolutely look socially able if they can mask when they are younger and things often gradually start to fall apart in their teens.

I also think you need to listen to what you daughter is telling you. This is important to her. It makes sense of her life. I would be actively supporting her to have an assessment with someone who is very skilled in ND female presentation.

It’s not up to you or her to do the diagnosis. Seek medical expertise.

I'm autistic and always had friends. I would think your daughter knows her inner world better than an outside observer? Could you read some blogs by autistic women about what's going on inside them?

I don't think as a lay person you can rule out ASD (just as you cannot confirm it). If DD thinks she has asd, she should seek a referral and an assessment.

Sounds potentially autistic to me (autistic with an autistic daughter - both of us have friends!). I’d recommend you do some reading into how ASDs present in girls.

Does she spend a lot of time online?

Looks to me like she's been viewing (increasingly popular) content of people self diagnosing. They often pick through their life on the way she has, trying to find examples that they can categorise as 'traits'. They remember things the way they want to just to tick off a box.

It's a bit like the trans trend, it's fashionable among certain communities to self diagnose. Many of them it's mental health disorders (like pretending to have multiple personalities) and now more commonly autism and ADHD.

I suppose the only way to know for sure would be an assessment but my guess is that she's done too much research and would lie, not sure how well trained they are in picking that up.

Just to add, the reason I think this is because she seems to have found almost all of the personality traits in herself. This is uncommon, people usually have some but not all.

You seem to think that the fact that she was able to make some friends means that she cannot be autistic. That is not the case.

None of us can tell you whether she is autistic or not, but if she believes that she is, then I think you should at least take that seriously and support her to get an assessment.

It might also be worth reading up more on autism so that you have a better understanding of the many ways in which it can present.

Sounds potentially autistic. Yes, read up on how it presents differently in girls.

FYI, if your daughter does turn out to be autistic, it will not be helpful to her for you to be saying things like ‘oh we’re all a little bit on the spectrum’ and ‘oh everyone’s a little bit this or a little bit that’.

IMO there's enough there to warrant an assessment if she thinks the potential benefits outweigh the potential negatives.

My dd was diagnosed with ASd at 16. Girls present very differently to boys. She had lots of friends.

She sounds very like my daughter.

I'm autistic and your daughter's experience rings true with me.

So:
Obsessive interests
Meltdowns
After school restraint collapse
Stimming
Socially inappropriate behaviour
Socially 'clueless'
Copying others' body language and speech
Depression/anxiety

Yeah, all those things sound like possible autism.

The fact that you also copy others' body language and speech doesn't mean it's 'normal'. Autism runs in families.
We don't all do it.

You need to listen to her. You won’t have spotted signs when she was younger if you had no idea how autism/ADHD can present in girls.
You really need to listen to her and support her.

One thing I would say is that, as it's often genetic, it can be hard to recognise because it can seem quite normal behaviour to the family - maybe you yourself would also have autistic tendencies for example, or other family members.

If she wants to investigate it further, be supportive, self awareness is always a gift

You sound woefully uninformed about how autism presents, especially in girls, OP.
Obviously, nobody here can diagnose your daughter, so make sure she asks for an assessment so that it can be ruled in or out.

It's a difficult one. You have described signs that could mean autism but it also might not and it would need a proper professional assessment to be sure. Some children with autism diagnoses are very sociable and outgoing, though they often have trouble maintaining friendships. And they can have odd social behaviours like your DD's, which may put other children off. If she changed schools a lot that could mask an underlying difficulty.

There isn't a clear boundary between a tantrum and a meltdown - some children with autism have sensory meltdowns as a result of sensory overstimulation, others mostly have intense tantrums/meltdowns as a result of anxiety and frustration that they can't manage.

it's hard to say either way. Whether she has an ASC/ADHD or not it would help your DD if she could find social activities that she can enjoy and not find too challenging, at the same time bearing in mind that for whatever reason she may need to take things slowly and she may find that just going to school/college is as much socialising as she can cope with in a week.

Not sure exactly what you mean by 'all the personality traits', but it's certainly not uncommon for autistic people to have social communication difficulties, restricted or repetitive thinking/behaviour and sensory issues.

I think it's quite common these days for teenagers to diagnose themselves with things based on what they've seen on TikTok etc but nobody here can tell you whether your daughter is autistic based on your description in a Mumsnet post. She might be. She might not be. Only a proper assessment by a professional is going to help.

The stones my dd did and shes referred for both at moment.
My dd had 1 friend a boy.
It maybe that your dd gets along with other ND kids?
Mine doesnt stimm except nail biting.
Its more on meeting people.

I’m not sure why you’ve decided that the key/only real “symptom” of autism is not having any friends.

I have family and friends with autism and while some have a very limited social circle others are super sociable and widely liked.

Your rigid thinking on this is unlikely to be helpful. It may even indicate that you should have a look at the criteria for autism for yourself too. It’s not BAD to be autistic nor does it mean your daughter is unlikeable.

It is very upsetting to be told your beliefs are invalid. She may be wrong, you may be wrong but it doesn't matter.

I'd agree self-awareness is a gift. Anything that makes navigating modern life is helpful. Get her properly assessed by someone who understands ND in women.

A dx changes nothing & everything.

Another thing to consider is yourself - ASD has a hereditary element, so a lot of the things you think "isn't everyone like that to an extent?" - it may be things you recognise, that are YOUR normal, but that NT people just wouldn't. Do you have any ASD traits?

It does also sound like she has had quite a tricky upbringing... you don't say much but what you do say sounds like you may have been going through some stuff in her formative years that may have had an impact. ADHD can present like/be comorbid with PTSD. Being a teen is a difficult time; but don't dismiss or discount her perception of herself, support her to seek ASD diagnosis (or to rule it out), and support her to deal with her current problems, her anxiety and depression and isolation.

Basically, does pursuing this avenue of enquiry give her hope things can improve? If so, embrace it and pursue it with her. If nothing else it can be a step on the road towards improving her quality of life.