To not believe that my daughter is autistic?

[lionsandtigers21]

I know that may sound bad, but my dd17 seems utterly convinced that she has autism and ADHD and I just don’t buy it. She wasn’t always an easy child, but I don’t remember her having significant sensory issues or huge trouble with socialising. Now she’s a teenager, I think she may be depressed because she self-isolates so much but I think that’s the crux of it. She changed schools a lot as a child and I’ve also had issues in the past, so I accept that that may have caused problems. But I really can’t see how she would fit onto the autism spectrum. Her main argument is that, as a little girl, she would frequently go off on her own to collect stones (her special interest) and talk to herself instead of socialising or playing with toys, but she did definitely also have friends at that age. What she seems to remember as meltdowns seemed to me more like tantrums, and would normally occur if she was taken somewhere she didn’t want to go, although she did have unexplained tantrums as well (usually saying that she wanted to go home when she was already in the house and wanted to go back to being a baby) and I remember that she would cry dramatically as soon as I picked her up from school and all the way home at a certain period. She also told me that she would do things in class that would definitely been deemed socially inappropriate, liking uninhibitedly touching her private area in front of everyone until relatively late on in primary school and ignore the teacher who told her it was inappropriate, but I think a lot of kids are uninhibited? Things that might be considered ‘stimming’ she has always done to an extreme (she once scratched her face so much that I was convinced she had scabies!), but she could definitely make friends at school if she wanted to, even if she liked to be alone sometimes. Sensory-wise, I can’t really remember any issues aside from her hating me resting my head on her shoulder and putting my chin on her head, she also found things like nail filing very uncomfortable to witness. She insists that she struggles with social cues/situations today and engages in ‘masking’ behaviours where she unconsciously finds herself copying the speech and body language of those around her, but don’t we all do that? No one is the exact person at home and at school. She’s done things before that would suggest she’s a bit clueless, like exposing a lie that I told to my parents in a very excruciating situation (which I blamed her for at the time). There’s also more stuff that I could list, but does any of this override her apparent social competence as a child? I think the issues she has today are a result of lack of experience and isolating herself in a dark room rather than autism/ADHD? I don’t know, maybe I’m being facetious. Has anyone experienced this?
Thank you :)

I agree with others that your dd's behaviour could mean she is on the spectrum, but only embarking on the proper diagnosis pathway will tell.

The main thing that jumped out at me from your post is that your dd seems to be in a dark, unhappy place and must be feeling entirely unheard and unsupported by her mum.

My 8 year old is non verbal, and so clearly autistic he was diagnosed at 2, he goes through stages where he doesn’t stim for months. Lack of stimming isn’t indication of someone not having autism.
He also doesn’t have sensory issues relating to food, whereas there are foods I still can’t eat as an adult because of the texture. I had lots of friends as a child and teenager (none now though 😬).
Not all autistic people show all traits, hence why it is a spectrum.

It may be autism. It may also be a trauma response - changes schools a lot, a mum with issues and a mum who blamed her for innocently exposing a lie, doesnt sound like the most stable childhood.

What @Proudgypsy said. It's a hot topic and lots of self-diagnoses going around. Take her to be properly assessed by a professional then you'll both know for certain.
It's a bit like the whole "I'm a bit OCD...." to basically mean you like a clean house. "I'm a bit on the spectrum...." to explain any little idiosyncrasies one may have. Insulting to both genuine OCD sufferers and those genuinely on the spectrum.

You've just listed things which agree with what she's saying to you. Most of that is out of the typical.

I didn't see ADHD in my kid, he came to me having self-diagnosed. So I got him assessed and he's diagnosed and on medication and so much happier. One of the big reasons I missed it all was because I too have ADHD as everything that had him diagnosed are things I struggle with.

As a parent, when your child has looked around for reasons why they are different, to explain all the things they've experienced and know now are different to the typical you believe them and help them navigate an assessment to see if that's the case. They are symptoms.

You are basing this on stereotypes of what you assume someone with Autism would and wouldn't be able to do whereas because it's a spectrum somebody doesn't have to tick every box you've mentioned to get a diagnosis. Added to which it presents differently in women and some of the signs can be subtle. Your daughter should ask her GP for a referral for assessment and get a professional take on it.

Even if you don't believe that she does, you have an opportunity here to support her and help her feel listened to, by taking her concerns seriously and offering to go with her to the GP to request an assessment.

My daughter is autistic and has Friends...ao that is not relevant.

She sounds potentially neurodiverse to me from what you said.

If your dd thinks she has asd then at her age she can go to the gp and ask for a referral- it doesn’t really involve you so I wouldn’t get het up about it.

I think she might be right. Everything you have mentioned is an indicator.

With the info given she may or may not be autistic. Girls particularly are good at masking and things do sometimes unravel for them in their teens. If she feels she would like to pursue a diagnosis then support her with that. A diagnosis won’t change who she is but she might feel better understanding there’s a reason she struggles.

Is this a wind up post? Combined, everything you've mentioned sounds fairly extreme! (Plus anyway symptoms / overwhelm worsening and self isolation usually feed into each other.)

Self diagnosis just to be trendy IS a thing, plus when you have a hammer everything looks like a nail etc, but the whole picture you've painted definitely sounds like it warrants at least an assessment.

PP raises a good possibility that maybe those behaviours seem perfectly typical to you because IF there is ASD in the picture, it is highly hereditary and you might have those traits as well.

My DSs have been diagnosed with ASD, but they’re both very different. Neither of them ticks every box. It’s a spectrum. I see ASD traits in your DD based on what you’ve listed, but an assessment might help. Not having a diagnosis (ie not having one and not having gone through the assessment process) doesn’t mean that she’s not autistic though.

She sounds very self-aware.

This jumps out at me:

I think the issues she has today are a result of lack of experience and isolating herself in a dark room rather than autism/ADHD?

Try and consider why she has a lack of experience and why she isolates herself. Is it overwhelm? Is it just too difficult to navigate otherwise? Does she need to decompress? Is she avoiding socialising face to face as it’s just too draining/awkward/scary? It can be such hard work and demoralising for people with ASD.

So tired of the view that autistic people cannot make or maintain friendships. DD (teenager) is exceptionally outgoing and extroverted. She has ADHD. I am very outgoing and extroverted. I have ASD and ADHD. DS is exactly the same. DBro is the life and soul of a party, DMum is quieter but also has an active social life.

We make and maintain friendships and relationships just fine. Bugger off with that view.

The difficulty with autism is that most of the individual behaviours are also seen in NT people (eg weirdness about food, nail biting, tantrums, social awkwardness). It takes skill to work out where these traits are autism and where they are not. It also makes it easy to self-diagnose.

She might be. Sometimes all people need is a frame of reference for understanding themselves, so self-diagnosis is all they really need. Of course, as an adolescent, she will likely be feeling hyper-aware of herself and emotionally heightened, as well as searching for her identity.
A ‘pro’ of self-diagnosis is that she can always reject it later if, when older, she comes to see herself differently. A medical diagnosis on the other hand has status and she will have rights under the equality act and reasonable adjustments at work if needs them, but the label is there for life.

By the way I disagree with the previous poster who says it’s wrong to say you can’t be a ‘little bit’ autistic, you either are or you are not. It’s true in the sense that you either have a diagnosis or not. However:

• everyone has differing profiles of sensory processing
• everyone has different levels of social awareness and communication skills.
• everyone has differing tolerance levels for uncertainty and needs for routines.

It’s only when these differences are pronounced enough to meet a diagnostic threshold that people will be deemed autistic. Some people will be wayyy over the threshold in all areas. Some will just about meet threshold in most areas, and some will be absolutely convinced that they have autism and strongly identify with the label - but fall below the threshold.

Many more people are being identified and recognised as autistic today, compared to 20 years ago. That shows that these thresholds can and do change and society and our understanding and perception of what it means to be autistic evolves.

So I do not hold that people without a diagnosis are ‘all one way’ and people with one are ‘all another way’. Some people may feel they are ‘a little bit autistic’ or ‘borderline’ and I personally think that’s perfectly fine.

You need to be supportive of your daughter. Take her to the Dr's. They will do an initial paper based assessment.

If the indicators are, she is, they will then send her for a full assessment.

My 2nd son was diagnosed with bipolar at 22. He was diagnosed with ADHD at 32.

I was diagnosed with high functioning autism recently, and I'm now just turned 60.

My initial diagnosis only came about by chance to get me sent for an assessment

You aren't a medical person. Your daughter needs a full assessment.

I've seen the initial paperwork for.it. You can't blag it. There is a lot on the paperwork you won't know as it's the inner life only she will know.

Autism presents differently in each person

Just to add, the reason I think this is because she seems to have found almost all of the personality traits in herself. This is uncommon, people usually have some but not all.

@Proudgypsy, I agree that there seems to be something of a trend/social contagion thing going on at the moment, with some teens and young adults in certain (especially online) communities self-diagnosing as neurodiverse based on possibly inaccurate understanding of the conditions and somewhat distorted self-representation, combined with the teenage need to belong. But I'm not sure that I see what you see in the OP's description — it doesn't seem overtly like a methodical ticking-off of stereotypical traits to me, though I could be wrong.

And when you say people usually have some but not all of the "personality traits", I agree that autistic people may present more obviously on one criterion than another, and will have some of the common characteristics and not others. But when it comes to core or very common traits, you sometimes find that when an autistic person doesn't apparently display that, they might have some other particular unusual difference that's essentially a disguised version of the same thing, or expressing in a different and perhaps hidden way.

I agree with your note of caution, and think that if it is the case that the DD has got caught up in an unhelpful idea, there's a risk the outcome of an assessment will cause difficulties either way. Either she gets a (mis)diagnosis of ASD/ADHD, resulting in inaccurate medical records, maybe unnecessary medication, and a label that may be difficult to lose later on. Or doesn't receive a diagnosis, which could be upsetting and unbalancing, or lead to a campaign to prove them wrong in some way. On the other hand, if she's mistaken about having ASD/ADHD and doesn't seek assessment, she'll continue on under the impression she has these significant neurodevelopmental disorders, possibly seeking adaptations and adjustments that may not help her.

But if she actually does have ASD and/or ADHD, then being disbelieved by family could be damaging. And most of the time, IMO, being properly assessed and (hopefully) correctly diagnosed can be incredibly helpful for people with these conditions. To me, there's enough in OP's description to suggest that it's possible she has a neurodevelopmental condition, and given the extremely high rates of mental illness, under-employment, suicidal ideation and suicide, and other life-damaging difficulties autistic people face, I'd err on the side of encouraging a thorough, credible assessment.

No one can diagnose her over the internet, but honestly from what you've described I would be inclined to agree with her that yes she might be autistic. You have an opportunity here to support her in getting an assessment, instead of saying you don't believe her.

I'm 31, I was diagnosed with autism a few years ago after all 3 of my kids had been diagnosed. I've had no trouble making friends all my life, I still have friends now that I've been friends with since we were 4! You need to read up a bit more on autism, especially how it presents in girls and women.

We make and maintain friendships and relationships just fine. Bugger off with that view.

That's great but many people with ASCs can't and don't for reasons that are associated with their presentation of an ASC. Being unable to initiate friendships or maintain friendships are both quite common signs of ASCs. But they may not be the signs that operate in your family. People in my own family who have ASCs don't have major sensory issues, I don't tell people who say that sensory issues are signs of an ASC to bugger off.

You can still be autistic and have friends.

Why on earth do you think her having friends means she's not on the spectrum?

Agree with @Gwendimarco . There are people in my family who clearly meet the threshold for autism and indeed are diagnosed autistic. Others of us are ‘a bit autistic’ but not enough to meet the current threshold. The threshold is a matter of judgment which will change. It’s a balance between identifying people who could do with help but not pathologising everyone with one or two traits. But in your case I would say you don’t have to decide if she is autistic. If she wants to seek a diagnosis she can, and you can support her whatever the outcome.

My dad "doesn't believe" I'm autistic.

I don't speak to him any more because I am autistic (diagnosed, but it was very obvious to me long before that) and having someone who is supposed to love me invalidate a diagnosis that has helped me immeasurably is heartbreaking to me.

Please support your daughter in getting assessed, and don't tell her you don't believe her. FWIW I sound very similar to your daughter - a lot of what you say sounds like autism.

You should start the process for assessment.

Getting diagnosed now will make a huge difference to her life (if she has it).

I am undiagnosed with anything but since having my children who are both on the spectrum and awaiting their diagnosis, I’ve realised a lot of things that I’ve always struggled with are signs and symptoms. I’m not sure yet whether I will seek assessment for myself, but even being aware that it likely isn’t just me being a “shit” person and there’s a reason why I am the way I am does help.

I would say my diagnosis was missed as a child as my sibling has ASD but on the “severe” end of the scale. I tended to suppress my problems as to not cause any more for my parents to deal with.

That being said, I definitely found things harder once I had my own children. I often feel in a state of overwhelm and I constantly feel 20 steps behind on tasks I have to do. I am forgetful which isn’t ideal when you have two kids who have appointments regularly.

It would be better for her to seek a diagnosis and support now before she is in her adult years. I coped fairly “fine” in school and university as there was a structure there I could follow, and I am a high performer at work due to having structure there as well. Where I really struggle is my home life because it’s me who has to structure my own time without someone else doing it for me.

Support her and allow her to get the help she needs while life is “easier” is my advice.

Mum of a daughter with autism and adhd. I would bet a fair sum that’s an autistic girl you’re looking at there. She will benefit massively from a diagnosis - if i only for you both to be sure.

If it all seems normal to you - you might want to read up symptoms yourself, it’s highly heritable.