Can’t handle full time work and raising a family

[Whatwas1madefor]

I have a high level management role in a well-known financial company. I work 40 hours a week plus over time with a 1hr 15m commute there and back which means I’m out of the house from 7-7 every day.

I have three young children aged between 8 and 1. My partner has to do most of the nursery/school runs because of the hours I do. I’m the main breadwinner and earn almost double what my partner does. Part-time hours/working from home isn't an option.

AIBU for not coping with it all? I feel like I barely see my family, I haven’t got a grip on life, my relationship with my partner is suffering, I don’t look after myself properly. I just feel like I’m standing on a cliff edge screaming into the wind.

I appreciate a lot of Mums (and Dads) will feel the same, and my situation isn’t uncommon, and people have things a lot worse.

It's sounds unmanageable. What would you change if you could?

You have to take more time for yourself.
There's lots of men - fathers - in this situation and they aren't afflicted with guilt, not do they kill themselves doing most of the mental load etc at home as even main breadwinner women often do.

No real advice but I hear you. I feel the same.. I work 45 hours with a DS. I hate how much I am away from him. I don't see him when he wakes up which I hate. Basically it sucks and you are not alone 😅x

You are definitely not alone. I changed jobs to work more from home, but it’s still hard.

Could you move significantly closer to your job?

Could you find a similar job closer to you?

Could you work two days from home?

@Lilolilibet I would find a job where I could work from home, if not all, then most of the time. But I’ve worked hard to get the opportunity I’m in now and it would definitely mean a drop in income which I’m not sure we could manage right now.

Sorry, I missed that wfh isn't possible.

This sounds unmanageable. I work from home with a medium level of responsibility and 1 child in nursery and I still feel the stress sometimes.

You must be exhausted. I know people say women don’t have to choose children or career but I think with three kids and a commute and no flexibility then you do have to choose.

First things first - you are NOT alone in this. I have a big full time job, earn all of household income and while DH is genuinely supportive and does most of the domestic hard yards, I still feel like I’m running fast just to stand still.

Tbh, I have a therapist who has given me the permission I needed to let some stuff slide. I also have a cleaner, and last time work got vilely busy, I got a gym membership and did leisurely swimming at 6am every other day for a week which made me feel so much better, and I could be back as the kids woke up. I need to see one of my pals for dinner at least once every 3 weeks or it all gets too much.

Is there any flex at all in your hours? So could you do longer hours midweek and stay overnight in return for finishing early on Friday, for example?

You sound pretty close to burnout. Sending you love and strength.

This. Dont feel guilty. Dont have an affair. Tell your dh you appreciate him. Dont take up a hobby that takes a full day at the weekend. Have quality family time at the weekend.

I’d stop the overtime and do what you can within our contractual working hours.

You need to put your family first and you need to find a work/life balance, can you work from home one day a week?

I moved to a cheaper area so I could work less and pay the mortgage much more comfortably. It meant changing jobs too but so worth it to find balance.

This is really hard as you’re doing more than a standard 37hr week plus commuting takes you way over the normal amount of hours worked. Somethings got to give. Not sure what though, is there any chance of your partner getting a better paid job? Can you get a job with another company that does offer part time or WFH at least?

Can your dh look for a better paid job?
Can you make a plan together, I always find this helps in a stressful situation. Like you can cut your hours when x happens, look in to imaginative options together.

K, so what people say above. What can change. Do you live in an expensive area? (You said you don’t think you could handle the drop in wage) Can you put a timeframe on how long you could cope with current job for?

I take it you work for a Big 4?

There's so many different elements to big companies, can you look to change roles internally?

Take a different job and an income drop if necessary. You’re going to completely burn out if you’re not not careful. You can’t get these years with your children back but you can rebuild your career when they’re older.

Can you get a nanny, they would be able to do a lot of the work.
And can you go to the gym at lunchtime?

Being a mother is hard enough without all you have on your plate. I had five kids within 5 years and worked full but I would bet I did not have as much professional stress nor did I have the commute. Can you find somewhere to work that is closer? Are you the primary breadwinner?

Is wfh not an option because of the role, or because of the company (as in, could the same role at another company potentially be wfh)? If it's the company, I'd look elsewhere.

You say DH does a lot of the school runs but what else is he picking up? Is he taking on his share of the mental load?

YANBU! I also have a high demand full time job plus two kids. I do WFH most of the time but I am also a single parent (kids are with their dad one week a month). I struggle massively with feeling overwhelmed and constantly tired. My kids are older now (15 and 9) so that helps a lot as they are now able to do a lot more around the house but has added stresses (exams, social woes, expensive broken mobiles).

I have no advice or answers apart from that I prioritise so far as I can exercise so as to keep sane and I have totally lowered my standards for a tidy clean house!

Could you move closer to work to cut the commute?

I took a pay cut to take on a role that allows WFH and shorter hours. I’m still the main breadwinner but not by as much! Life is better.

Could your DH compress or reduce his hours to take on more at home while you're out of the house?

Me and DH both did this (we both took more flexible jobs when we had children) and it has worked really well. We took a bit of a drop in income (although partially offset by wfh more so less in commute costs) but even so it was definitely worth it.