Can’t handle full time work and raising a family

[Whatwas1madefor]

I have a high level management role in a well-known financial company. I work 40 hours a week plus over time with a 1hr 15m commute there and back which means I’m out of the house from 7-7 every day.

I have three young children aged between 8 and 1. My partner has to do most of the nursery/school runs because of the hours I do. I’m the main breadwinner and earn almost double what my partner does. Part-time hours/working from home isn't an option.

AIBU for not coping with it all? I feel like I barely see my family, I haven’t got a grip on life, my relationship with my partner is suffering, I don’t look after myself properly. I just feel like I’m standing on a cliff edge screaming into the wind.

I appreciate a lot of Mums (and Dads) will feel the same, and my situation isn’t uncommon, and people have things a lot worse.

To be fair I don’t think it’s about organisation or her husband- more so the hours mean you miss so much of family life. There was more money on the table when I switched jobs this year if I was prepared to work 4-5 days in the office. I wasn’t. It’s a shit reality you can’t do it all but I’d rather put my children to bed and the odd school run.

Of course you're exhausted.

First up, I'm relatively high level in financial services and we all work predominantly from home and have for years. It's totally do-able and they have to justify why you can't now as a default. Put in a request.

Secondly, if you're burnt out you have to make a change to reduce your problem of increase your capacity to deal with it. That could be throwing money at the problem to tread water until it reduces or changing things to reduce the problem itself (moving house, moving jobs, etc.). This isn't optional - your body will opt out eventually if your brain doesn't.

You've said partner rather than husband so I can see why he's nervous about reducing his earning potential to facilitate yours. He probably is knackered too - I know I was with running around after young kids and working full time! It's definitely an opportunity to change things for the better for both of you, and your kids.

Why couldn't you manage? Maybe your partner could work more and children go to childcare

People who say 'oh men don't feel bad' - there are many men who would be or are totally miserable being out of the house 7 til 7 5 days a week.

Why mention men as doing it meaning it's a healthy way to live

Let's be honest - we have one life - one time on this planet - if you enjoy working every hour of your day and barely seeing your family then that's fine - that is your life and enjoy it without guilt.

But can we all stop pretending it's obviously great to be stressed/ unhappy/ hardly see your kids/ never get to pick them up from school/never be there for playdates - its only fine if you enjoy that!

If you have kids, then yes it's totally normal to cut back work a bit to spend time with them and be part of their day to day lives.

This is not about guilting working parents - jsut accepting having it all is bullshit.

The "Oh men don't mind..." argument often ignores a key aspect of these situations as well imo. There's a difference between dipping in and out of a functioning family life, where kids and pets are taken care of, homework is completed, bedtime stories are read, playdates, playground trips and other activities happen, healthy meals are cooked, the laundry is done and the house is kept at an acceptable level of cleanliness, to coming home to a situation where everything is going to shit around you. You might want more time with your children in the first scenario, but you're not constantly upset that they're getting a shit deal.

People who say 'oh men don't feel bad' - there are many men who would be or are totally miserable being out of the house 7 til 7 5 days a week.

Why mention men as doing it meaning it's a healthy way to live

Let's be honest - we have one life - one time on this planet - if you enjoy working every hour of your day and barely seeing your family then that's fine - that is your life and enjoy it without guilt.

I agree with this. I know loads of men who are or were utterly miserable with this kind of arrangement.

I know why some posters have made this point - it’s because men don’t get shamed for working like this, they get applauded. While women are accused of not putting their families first, not making sacrifices, etc. And I agree those double standards are absolute crap.

But just because society applauds men for doing it doesn’t mean they’re happy about it. I know so many men who are sole breadwinners and utterly miserable that their life’s purpose is to grind away in an office to support a family they don’t get to participate in.

It's really hard, I'm out of the house for 10 hours every day. I don't even earn that much but bloody hell, trying to juggle 50 hours out and then my kids and everything else. I have massive guilt. I have no advice but you're not alone.

If you cannot do it, you cannot do it. I am not sure what you expected with having 3 children close in age with such a job. Sometimes, something has to give. if you have a high income now, surely a drop would still mean a decent salary.

I was on a high salary but had to give it up for a part time minimum wage job as both of my DC are unfortunately disabled. Could I afford this drop. aof course not. But if you have to, you find a way. I think you need to decide what your priority is. At the moment, it appears you want it all and that is a myth.

I think it's your commute that's killing you. That's 2.5 hours a day that would make the world of difference if you had it back.

Can you negotiate some more wfh days, and/or condensed hours? Change jobs so you get this somewhere else, or find something closer?

If not then can you do something about your commute eg stay over at a b and b once a week, switch to the train so you can nap or sort admin, car share so you can switch off from driving every other day

37-40 is pretty standard. I work somewhere pretty civilised where a full time week is 35 hours. People may work more like 50 hours in lots of places but I don't personally know of anyone whose stated contract hours are that.

The 10 hour a week commute ain’t helping. Not sure what to suggest about that as WFH or moving have been covered already.

This is unsustainable. You're at the end of your tether. Something else is going to have to give or it'll be you that gives.

Can your DH step up in his role and you move (maybe into industry? I’m in financial services and paid very nicely and WFH 2 or 3 days a week). DH and I did that when the DSs were small…so I stepped off Big 4 partner track and DH went for a promotion. I still earn more but it’s closer to even and then we split the load at home (and buy in shed loads of help…so we still have the same childminder who now does wrap around, she’s a lot more expensive than school wrap around but she feeds DSs a proper meal and takes them to and from external activities, without her my life would crumble).

Full time working mum of 3 boys 1 who is sen

Hi I’m just needing some advice really I have a husband and 3 young children oldest just turned 12 youngest is 8 I also have my middle child 9 years old has Tourette’s syndrome and awaiting an assessment for asd I work full time 40 hour weeks in a high demand job I’m the main manager so it never ends and isn’t a job I can switch off at the end of the day if they need me I have to be there my husband dosent work he looks after the kids however during holidays it’s upsetting me as he dosent take them out the house he can’t cope with them if they have melt downs ect.. I’m the opposite and believe in taking them for walks getting paint out ect.. my middle child needs structure iv put them into sports so I no he has to take them to it 1 hour weekly some of the sports I have to make sure I’m back from work in time to get the kids there I’m having to pay for sport camps during the holidays just so I no they are at least doing something during the school holidays all my husband does is let them on there games and snap at them I don’t believe he has any intention of working but I’m worryed if I quit work I will not financially survive but I no my kids do need me at home more
sorry for the long rant of a post I’m just so fed up

Better to start your own thread, this will get lost.

I agree the commute is the problem here

I dont know how you manage it but I feel your pain.

Why isn’t part time an option?

@Whatwas1madefor out of interest, how did things turn out for you?

I hope things worked out for you and were able to make some significant changes.

Thank you I thought I had but it shared it on here 🤦‍♀️

If you find a solution let me know! I work a 60hr week with anywhere between 1-3hrs commuting a day.
I have zero hobbies, have no time for a social life and spend my weekends absolutely wiped out.
Nothing to suggest but sending solidarity. It’s really tough going.