Can’t handle full time work and raising a family

[Whatwas1madefor]

I have a high level management role in a well-known financial company. I work 40 hours a week plus over time with a 1hr 15m commute there and back which means I’m out of the house from 7-7 every day.

I have three young children aged between 8 and 1. My partner has to do most of the nursery/school runs because of the hours I do. I’m the main breadwinner and earn almost double what my partner does. Part-time hours/working from home isn't an option.

AIBU for not coping with it all? I feel like I barely see my family, I haven’t got a grip on life, my relationship with my partner is suffering, I don’t look after myself properly. I just feel like I’m standing on a cliff edge screaming into the wind.

I appreciate a lot of Mums (and Dads) will feel the same, and my situation isn’t uncommon, and people have things a lot worse.

I was going to suggest a nanny for those hours but your dh seems to be home earlier

What hours does he work?

If you are working like this to live in a certain house. , then downsize, move to a different area. This just isn’t worth it

I stepped down from my very senior role and took a job one rung down so I could drop to part time when I had my first DC. My role then would have been completely unmanageable and I didn't want to miss out on raining my children.

I was fortunate that we could sustain our lifestyle as my DH job took off at a similar time though.

Don't regret it for a second! Someone made a comment to me about it saying 'women shouldn't have to give up their careers'. I didn't have to do anything, I wanted to do it and my DH supported me because it's what I wanted.

Is there any option to take a lesser role at work part time?

Something has to give - your lifestyle at the moment sounds completely unsustainable.

You have three children that you barely see because you're out of the house for 12 hours a day, your husband is responsible for all the school runs, the mornings and the evenings and does all the cooking on top. If he also works full-time then I'm not surprised he doesn't have much time for anything else.

You must both be absolutely exhausted.

Use the commute to destress.
Make one weekend day a really relaxed family day - no committments. That might mean that the other day is structured to include cleaning, washing etc. and that you stay home on the rest day and chill out, no guests etc.
Consider a house cleaner and out sourcing all laundry.
Try to pencil in an adult date with spouse.
You both deserve it.

Consider moving closer to your job if you drive.
Is your home large? Can you take in a lodger who will vaccum and clean for board, and be asked to do odd occasional baby sitting? Is there a relative who would welcome those living arrangements for a year or two.

Hire a full time nanny / housekeeper to do school runs and also to give your kids some flexibility for after school activities/ play dates. They can do all your laundry / kids cooking / bed changing and kid admin like party gift buying. Don’t make things unnecessarily difficult for yourself.

I posted earlier about industry shift but I also had a full time nanny.

Honestly outsource as much as you can in the interim whilst you work out what to do.

Having the additional help was a massive relief in terms of the logistics, cleaning etc

For different reasons we couldn’t manage (SEN dc) and we were quiet literally drowning in day to day life to the point our physical health was suffering, over the course of 3 years I went PT then dh went PT , then I gave up work totally and then finally dh did the same. We are planning to go back when dc are older if we can.

I know it’s a different situation to yours but if you feel stressed etc you need to look at any solutions available to try and alleviate the stress and pressure where you can a sit could affect your health

I wouldn't like that. I work full time but it's 9-5 and 3 days I work from home. The pay is not good though.

My husband does the same type of job but is home slightly later. (More like 7:30pm)
I literally do everything for home life. We also have 3 kids. He really doesn’t have to think about much except work (maybe the car MOT and a few other things)
All the kids and home and mental load are down to me- I work part time.
You are taking on my husbands hours and stress of earning, and then also the mental load of the kids?
Sounds like he needs to take on more and share it out if you are the main breadwinner

Everything should be on the table as an option as otherwise you’ll completely burn out and be forced into a decision either way. It’s the classic money/career/long hours over quality time with your family. You really can’t have both so now you have to decide. Money is nice but you have to find a way to survive on less. There is literally no point in having a family otherwise as currently you don’t really get to someone any time with them in the working week. I know that sounds harsh but they are at an age where time is precious and as many others have said you simply can’t get back. New job, new house, maybe both, but something has to give.

Oh bloody hell you are going to crack up if something doesn't change.
Does your husband understand this?

You need to outsource everything possible.
Washing- he has to do this
Cleaning- find a cleaner

It's the price you pay for your seniority. Your options are moving company, changing your hours or both.

Can you dial back on the overtime maybe.

I'm not saying it's right btw but until the company culture changes your options are limited.

Dd has just gone to 3 days a week, they only have one child but she found things too much full time. Everyone is so much happier now, including her 3 year old.

You should sit down with dh and tell him what you’ve said here and together look at all options so you are not feeling as you do.

I work from home now but when my children were younger I was in the same situation as you. Tbh the key is organisation. It is totally do-able ( and often necessary) what I will say is that it does get easier and I wouldn’t ( especially as you are the breadwinner) be quitting my job. I’d be focused on getting through the next few years and building a career I was proud of, because soon enough all the kids will be at school and then it’s more manageable.

Use the weekends to spend time together and Sunday nights to prep EVERYTHING. Meal plan, all school clothes ready etc.

You can do this! ( I don’t give into the MN answer to everything to quit on hard stuff!)

You mention overtime can you cut that out at least temporarily?

Sit with your husband and go over everything that needs done. Agree with outsourcing what you can ie cleaner/after school club so DH can for example do stuff then pick up kids before dinner

I do think burnout sounds like a genuine concern for you

I guess you need to decide what you want out of life and try to make that happen. If you want to spend more time with your children you'll need to look to change jobs, if you want to keep your high income you'll need to accept that family life is going to be compromised. Fwiw I don't think you can make your DH do more if he doesn't want to, although he might want to if he realised that a drop in family income might result. Maybe he would rather you have less money as a family but have you around more to cook tea/put the kids to bed etc?

Could you at least do the overtime portion of the job at home? I stop work when the children arrive home and work a bit more after they got to sleep, and in the morning before they wake up. (I love my job and it’s lucrative, so I wouldn’t try to change this, but if you aren’t happy with your work, that might be something to explore.)
Would your partner going part-time help? It seems to be the default approach when it’s the mother who earns half.

This.

We see it as “normal” for men to work this way. They can do it because they have wives who facilitate their work - and their wives and families enjoy the lifestyle!

Does your partner facilitate your earning?

If you were to step away the high earning career for a bit, could your partner earn as much? Could you all cut back? What would that look like for you?

But my advice is, “Never give up your job.”

Have a look at what support you can muster - from your partner, or bought in.

So if you're working all those hours and your partner can't fill the gap, you need proper help at home. Full time live in nanny who will carry much of the mental load for school, cleaner etc.

Totally doable if you had a wife! If you're the main earner your husband needs to step up and ne the main partner in the home, mental.load etc. I'm really saddened that so many women are telling you to drop your hours or change jobs. Plenty men happily doing those hours but they are not worried about birthday presents and when the next dental appointment is. Please before cutting back have a good conversation with him about why you are doing it because HE can't have it all

The thing is, a lot of "men in this situation" will have wives who stay at home full-time, or who work school hours or part-time hours to facilitate it.

From OP's description, they both work full-time, it's just she has a longer commute. Her DH also does all the mornings, evenings, school-runs and cooking - it's not like he's sitting about scratching his arse.

My partner isn’t completely useless but it’s limited to doing the cooking (which he has to do given the hours I work), writing a shopping list, putting the bins out, and tidying up the kitchen. He doesn’t really. understand the mental load of what I do and gets a bit defensive when I bring it up. I think compared to a lot of his friends he probably thinks he does quite a bit round the house…

This is your problem. Not your job.

What wife would behave this way? She’d be told she was lazy and living off her husband. If he’s enjoying the lifestyle you earn, he needs to step up more to do his bit to earn it, by supporting you.

From OP's description, they both work full-time, it's just she has a longer commute. Her DH also does all the mornings, evenings, school-runs and cooking - it's not like he's sitting about scratching his arse

It doesn’t sound like he takes on half of the total load though from what @Whatwas1madefor says.

She’s said she’s the main bread-winner, but also does the majority of the mental load. And she’s competing in her job against men who are totally facilitated by part-time or non-working wives.

The time I had close to those hours, but 8 to 7pm I had a nanny

Granted my dc were older which helped, but it made everything much less stressful. Pretty much stress free tbh

I understand a one year old makes it different but perhaps that could help