Can’t handle full time work and raising a family

[Whatwas1madefor]

I have a high level management role in a well-known financial company. I work 40 hours a week plus over time with a 1hr 15m commute there and back which means I’m out of the house from 7-7 every day.

I have three young children aged between 8 and 1. My partner has to do most of the nursery/school runs because of the hours I do. I’m the main breadwinner and earn almost double what my partner does. Part-time hours/working from home isn't an option.

AIBU for not coping with it all? I feel like I barely see my family, I haven’t got a grip on life, my relationship with my partner is suffering, I don’t look after myself properly. I just feel like I’m standing on a cliff edge screaming into the wind.

I appreciate a lot of Mums (and Dads) will feel the same, and my situation isn’t uncommon, and people have things a lot worse.

YANBU. I don't know what the answer is, though. Personally, I have recently chosen to take an absolutely huge pay cut in order to work shorter hours in a much less stressful job. Not sure how on earth we're going to afford everything, our lifestyle is going to take a hit. But I'll be so much happier and hope the DCs will benefit from me being around more!

You might be able to manage on a lower income better than you think if you earned less.

I've gone the other way now my kids are older and moved from freelancing to a full on corporate role. I spend waaaay more as I'm to busy to shop for deals and we need to pay for convenience, have a cleaner, spend more on clothes, etc etc

YANBU at all. How about you look for another job that would allow you to WFH?

I felt similar to you recently, earning a lot and seemingly “having it all” but the corporate stress got too much. You can’t be all things to all people (good friend, good mummy, good partner, good daughter, good employee etc etc) - sometimes things have to give.

We’re incredibly fortunate in that I can quit my job and we will be able to get by - but that does mean huge changes for us, like only buying second hand things/clothes, growing most of our food and no holidays. But for me at this point in life with 2 very young children it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to take.

If you had 5 kids in 5 years you must have been on maternity for a good stretch of that, so hardly a comparison

Well why would it mean a significant drop in income to find another remote or hybrid role?

Have you searched the market, reached out to recruiters or set up alerts on linked in etc?

You might be surprised, I really do think women under play their hand. If you’ve achieved a decent level of success in one company - especially a well known one - then there really isn’t any reason to not replicate that success elsewhere.

Aside from that, yes totally hear you. It’s absolutely brutal when both parents working full time.

I struggled with hours like that even before kids op!

Could you consider going to 4 days a week? If you're a higher rate tax payer your 5th day will be taxed the most so you will lose less than 20% of take home.

If not, could your dp and then they could take more of a lead on home admin etc?

Is 37 standard? I don't know anyone who works 37 hours. Generally it's 40-50

If I were you I'd put feelers out with recruitment companies because you will be able to find an equally well paid job that allows at least 2-3 days at home. It makes a huge difference because you can be around for the pre and post school time with DC. I work 50-60 hours but only one day in per week and tend to work in the evenings to catch up. It's hard and I don't get downtime (apart from sneaking on here when I should be working!) and no hobbies etc but it works for us for now.

You are really not alone. Many mothers with careers go through this.

For you, and your future please try to persevere. Your pension, your future life and to fulfil your abilities.

you seem to enjoy your role.

Outsource everything domestic you can:
cleaning
ironing
online shopping.

I was once you. Due to a rocky marriage I stuck it out, feeling I was failing a bit at everything.

it was horrible, but it does eventually pass. I did end up divorced but was able to rebuild a life because I had my career and could provide for my children. The guilt is temporary (and totally normal)

Good luck x

I moved from a long-hour high stress job to a more balanced role and honestly I’m much happier. I think work-life balance is not overrated for most people especially those with small kids. You may be at a point to rethink what your career brings to you and then make a decision to which role you want to take.

With those hours, your partner should be taking the lead in managing family life, although of course you should be doing your bit when you're around, including your share of the mental load. Why is it necessarily on you to balance this?

37 is full time, 40-50 is being a martyr.

That sounds really hard OP. With that many kids and those ages, plus the commute and overtime, nope. I WFH almost fully and have 2 (school aged) kids and have found a groove now, can you WFH in your sector (if not in your job then in another you'd be qualified in?)

And I work 37 hours- public sector, senior role, but I claim my ours back if I need to work more.

Wow thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It’s much appreciated!

For context if I was to move companies but stay within my sector it would still be the same sort of commute as the majority of jobs I see are office-based. So I would have to look outside the sector and the equivalent jobs are paid less. I guess I’m compensated well for the out of hours work I’m expected to do but I need to decide whether the money is worth it. Problem is we don’t really feel flush as it is so I would dread to think how we would cope if I earned less.

My partner isn’t completely useless but it’s limited to doing the cooking (which he has to do given the hours I work), writing a shopping list, putting the bins out, and tidying up the kitchen. He doesn’t really. understand the mental load of what I do and gets a bit defensive when I bring it up. I think compared to a lot of his friends he probably thinks he does quite a bit round the house…

It’s great to hear the stories from people who have switched jobs for a better work/life balance and are all the better for it! It’s definitely a decision I need to make.

Op you need to deep dive your finances, look at all your outgoings.
The essentials, the fripperies and so on.

Write down what your current salary a dually gives you and what you feel you need from it. Have you managed to save any money, have you got large mortgages.

What are your non negotiables? What is this work paying for.

I worked in internal recruitment and HR many moons ago OP and I think you are under selling yourself. Companies may well advertise roles as office based but will often be very open minded for the right self motivated candidate for 2 days WFH or even more . I'm not totally sure what level you are at but I would put some feelers out with head hunters and higher level recruiters in your sector - don't have to be local. Explain that you are looking for a role with more flexibility , that doesn't have to mean fully WFH ( provided its within 45 minutes of where you live) but several days would be beneficial or you are open to fully wfh roles too. Many many roles never get advertised at all. I know a headhunter in a very niche industry and the roles are never advertised - they just poach high level people from elsewhere!!

You can't keep this up as at some point you will run out of steam and probably resent your H too

Feel for you OP it's just a total shit show trying to do it all.damned if you and danned if you don't. Something has to give and if your starting to feel dc and relationship if suffering then its carry on as you are and get totally burnt out and crash or make small or big changes now whilst you can mentally handle it. If wfh means letting some luxuries go, or do working a few more days, then so be it. Only you know how much you can take and if your nearing the cliff edge then you need to act now not later when it really will be too little to late. Good luck

My partner isn’t completely useless but it’s limited to doing the cooking (which he has to do given the hours I work), writing a shopping list, putting the bins out, and tidying up the kitchen. He doesn’t really. understand the mental load of what I do and gets a bit defensive when I bring it up. I think compared to a lot of his friends he probably thinks he does quite a bit round the house…

He needs to be stepping up a lot more. 'Not completely useless' isn't good enough. You are doing much more than 50% of everything at the moment. He must see that this isn't fair.

He needs to measure himself not by what his friends do, but by what there is to do in YOUR relationship/family. Why does he think it's ok for you to do much more than he does?

I'm a lone parent OP so I understand the pressure and I have a senior role but what I wanted to ask is have you actually looked at whether your skills are transferable to another sector like tech where I work? It's very well paid and has been hybrid mode for many years. I work from home 3 days a week.

Can't you put in a request for more flexibility? Im v senior in a financial role. I do 4 days a week but spread the hours over 5, combined with a couple of days wfh it means i can so the school runs the days im home. Assuming you are a higher rate tax payer the after tax impact of the reduction in pay is manageable.

Ive requested this sort of arrangement everywhere Ive worked and its never been an issue

Remember - flexible working is the default. Your employer must justify the business reasons why your request can't be granted. If you managed to wfh during covid its quite difficult for them to argue you can't do it a couple of days a week now.

You have a partner problem. I had a job like this for years and small kids and partner did most stuff in the house. He needs to take his role seriously and fulfill his side of the deal. If he is incapable then you need to discuss the alternatives (but make sure he must compromise) ie you will have to lose the garage/your office/ if we downsize. Don’t just give up you and the kids stuff if you drop income. Let him be impacted by his choice.

I do more than my mates isn’t a great way for him to look at this situation. Does he do more than primary caregivers - er no.

What hours does your husband work?
If it's full time also then something has got to give. As he does the school/nursery runs, cooks etc and looks after 3 children. Then you come in at 7... it doesn't give anyone time to do much else.
I would struggle with those hours without children. It doesn't sound sustainable.
The 1.5 hour commute each way is a huge thing! Is this where you can sit on the train? Where you can do admin? Or driving?

Both me and my husband are in public sector roles... meaning less pay buy more flexibility for a better balance for the family.

No wonder you are shattered. I couldn’t cope with that work/life balance!! Will be worth it financially in the end, but I can see it would be a struggle to manage everything.

Can you outsource anything. Get a cleaner a healthy food meal delivery a few times a week? Is there absolutely no negotiations for one day a week WFH? Even small differences might ease things.