To think these things don’t matter and you should save money for dc instead?

[leapgro]

Genuinely interested as to whether it affects them etc.

DC coming up to 1, lots of people having big parties, even balloons costs 20 quid let alone everything else. Hiring venues etc. Same with expensive baby clothes, trips to legoland etc. Surely unless you enjoy this yourself/have enough money to waste, it’s not actually beneficial for the child? Or is it? Am I wrong?

With my first DC I went a bit crazy on their 1st birthday. I don’t use social media at all and genuinely believed I needed to do it all for my DC to make them feel special. Logically now I realise it wasn’t benefiting them really, but I really did think it was at the time. I thought they deserved the fuss and because it was their first ever birthday it had to be special for them. I wouldn’t change it. I did the same on my child’s first Christmas. My friend had a baby that was a similar age and she told me she wrapped empty boxes for their first Christmas because they would prefer the wrapping anyway and presents were a waste of money. I remember feeling internally horrified, but said nothing. But in hindsight she probably was being more wise than me. We all do things differently.

It’s the people that we celebrate with that matter, not the money we spend.

I assume OP that

(1) you live in a betsit, divided up by partitions. Wasting money on a bigger place is selfish when you could be saving money for private tutoring for your child.

(2) You ride a bike everywhere or take public transport, and aren't wasting money on a car.

(3) You don't waste money on clothing, and you have two changes of clothes, plus Sunday best. Anything else is wasting money.

(4) You're not wasting money on a TV licence or streaming. You can play the spoons instead of an evening.

I think celebrating a birthday is good, however, young (or old, too). Of course, they do not have to be hugley expensive, and I dislike the 'keeping up with someone else' kind of thing.

I think it's fine but it's definitely for the parents benefit, not the child's at that age. I had PND when my eldest was 1. MIL wanted a party and I wanted something just me, DS1 and DH. So the day before his birthday we went to MIL's house and she did cake, party tea and invited the extended family round on her side of the family. She asked if I wanted to invite mums from baby group etc but I said no. Then on his birthday DH took the day off work and we went to a new softplay which DS1 loved. Then at the weekend my mum and dad came over and we went to one of those little farm attractions where there are ride on tractors and you can feed the lambs.

Well you obviously do care as you're being massively defensive. Ds1s first birthday was a small family party, it's possible to celebrate without throwing money around.

@LylaLee Reductio ad absurdum is not a valid argument strategy. Just sayin'.

We had a chilled out but fun celebration for my baby’s 1st. He didn’t know much of what was going on but it was our celebration of his first year with the people who were special to us that year.
As the years passed it was important to him to see photos of that day. By the time he was 3 or 4 he wanted to look back at the photos of his 1st and 2nd birthdays.

how can anyone compare celebrating with loved friends and family to owning a luxury car???

Different things matter to different people. It's not your place to say what anyone else 'should' do with their money. Obviously it's for the family and not the child, because the child won't remember the party when they're older, but so what? Since when has enjoying a family party been a problem?

You don't have to do all that stuff if you don't want to, just like nobody has to have a wedding or Christmas dinner or an anniversary dinner or whatever, but if other people want to do it, I don't see the issue. I'm not into having big parties for anything, personally. But I don't judge other people for having them if it makes them happy.

We've had parties at home for DD's 3 birthdays so far.

1st Birthday - We had a duck theme - I'm not sure why a PP gets 'the rage' about themed parties, but my daughter was OBSESSED with ducks (blame being a lockdown baby, we saw those ducks most days of her first year as there was sod all else to do). I spent bloody ages (and yeah money) making a cake, we did have a balloon arch but I got it off a thrift site from someone whose party was a few days before, added a few extra bits of my own and then passed the whole lot on again. I bought a yellow spotty tablecloth and her grandmother made bunting.

Apart from that it was just family, friends and a few neighbours coming for some lunch in the garden, and it was lovely - especially after a really tough first year without being able to do anything to celebrate our long awaited first child, not even have people meet her for months and months, thanks to lockdown.

Second year was ducks again, with a few bunny rabbits chucked in for good measure, and we also hired a bouncy castle. Third was dinosaurs, with the bouncy castle again.

She definitely remembered her second birthday when we were talking about her third, I'd actually thought we might not bother with a party again but as we were talking about her birthday coming up she was saying 'yes and I'm having a jumpoline (she meant bouncy castle) and a duck cake' and talking about the people who would be there. Obviously no memory of the first but I don't think that means it had no value for her either.

I also hate the whole 'nobody apart from you and maybe the grandparents cares about your kid' line - my daughter has lots of people who love and care about her thank you, and that has always been important to me which is why we make the effort to build/ maintain those relationships. I also love/ care about lots of children other than my own. I don't assume anyone is as interested as we are obviously, but it's really not true that nobody else is bothered - and most of my family would happily turn up for a buffet lunch and some cake even so.

Good lord how judgmental are you OP?

I dove safe at all for my kids. I invest in things like day trips, holidays, city breaks and yes, when they were younger, big birthday parties. The last big one was the summer before Covid. I hired Oreo and friends animal experiences for 3 hours and a function room at a local golf club. We had a huge bouncy castle , a craft table and loads of gorgeous food. The kids all got party gift bags and they had a brilliant day. Cost about £400.

But

My family and friends live all over the uk. We throw two big parties. One in July for my daughters birthday ( but now she's older it's a big bbq) and one at Xmas. They probably cost about £1500 a year now. I'm not on a massive income and I don't own an expensive property. But I spend money on things that make me and my family happy. All in our " activity " budget is about £4000 a year now and that's for day trips, holidays, parties etc as it's what I ENJOY. My kids have dozens and dozens of happy memories and have visited some pretty spectacular countries and done some pretty radical activities. It's called broadening horizons and I consider it to be an investment AND enjoyment.

I wouldn't enjoy having 4k a year sat in my savings account. And had I saved it from when my first kid was born, dividing it between them at18 wouldn't have been anywhere near enough to be life changing. They would have got a car and driving lessons..... but they got that anyway by being brave and motivated enough to get part time jobs etc when on their application they could talk about their love of travelling and in the interviews had lots of confidence and could talk about a huge variety of topics from camping in wadi rum to chasing the northern lights in Iceland to spelunking in Wales and learning to shoot a horse bow in Mongolia.

We've done AMAZING things in a shoe string budget and loved every second of it. To us that's worth way more than boosting savings.

We do the trips to LEGOLAND, Disneyland etc- often as birthday/Christmas gifts. We did Legoland last year as part of my 4 and 6 year olds birthdays- I wouldn’t have done it for a first birthday though.

We have 5 kids and when they are little we don’t spend huge amounts. My youngest will be one in a few months and we plan on a few little gifts and cake with her siblings. She will be going to Disneyland after Christmas but that’s the Christmas gift for the whole family and not her specifically- I imagine she will nap in her buggy through most of the holiday.

I never with bother with the balloon arches, “in the morning I will be 1” pyjamas and things like that. The more kids the have, the more I realise how little they need.

It’s for the parents

And don't forget the inevitable social media posts!

@JudgeJ

I got Facebook in 2010. However I'd been a parent since 1998 so I don't see your logic. Social media is a very very recent phenomenon.

I agree op! Its tacky as hell and all about attention seeking for the parents! However it's their money to waste so not my problem.

Same

So much of the stuff around "occasions" from hen dos to Halloween to baby showers, Christmas bedding and balloon arches is just plastic tat.

Clothing industry is one of the biggest earth polluters too, those Halloween / birthday / Christmas / fancy dress outfits that only got worn a couple of times just compound it.

I don't wholly blame individuals for this, it's societal unfortunately.

camping in wadi rum to chasing the northern lights in Iceland to spelunking in Wales and learning to shoot a horse bow in Mongolia.

Wow I'm amazed how you did this plus huge parties and loads of expensive day trips on just 4k a year.

i agree with you, OP.

These parties are all about showing off. Look, I can afford a £100+ themed cake, look at my tasteful yet age-appropriate party bags, look at my lovely venue (or home) etc etc.

i would eve go further and say until children are old enough to have smaller gatherings with actual friends, the whole thing is a colossal waste of money and totally against preserving our environment.

The children don’t even enjoy them really. They are overexcited at the off, eat too much rubbish and get a sugar rush (and hummus and carrots aren’t really a substitute for cakes and crisps), then they bring a balloon home which soon pops or deflates etc etc and they end up not very happy.

Of course, it is a peer pressure thing and we went along with it, as you can’t accept invites to whole-class parties and not return them, but it is pretty sad really.

And, for those criticising the OP for being judgmental, isn’t that pretty much the point of AIBU?! It is anonymous and no one gets hurt by the judgment.

Party for a one year old is definitely more for the adults. DD1 was asleep for a chunk of her birthday parties until she was 4 I think.

We just did one of our usual BBQ get togethers. I even forgot to sing happy birthday to her and cut the cake! We did it later at a small family gathering.

How is it attention seeking? Presumably the people that go to the party WANT to go, so they want to give the baby/parents attention? You could say the same for adult birthday dinners/weddings/baptisms.

Personally we had a tea party at home with close family and friends for my sons first 3 birthdays- up until that point I didn’t really have mum friends or any family with children etc so it was grandparents/god parents/our best friends (and I have a strict no pictures of children on social media) but if people want to go all out it doesn’t make any difference to anyone else.

I did have a buffet and drinks in a local hotel after his baptism though- because he was 3 months old and I didn’t want the bother of having to make food and tidy etc. It cost around £300. We didn’t have balloons though, so maybe that makes it acceptable?

Agree with this 100%
I don't think many people gave Kardashisn style 1st birthdays. It's usually family round for cake. As they get older they absolutely benefit from parties with their friends. Just stashing that party money in a bank account instead would be completely joyless

I think you should stop judging other people…you do you and let other people do what they want to do.

I bought balloons for my sons first birthday and we went on a day out to an aquarium….will he remember playing with the balloons or how he liked staring at the fish at the aquarium or that we went out for lunch afterwards….absolutely not but I will and my husband will, not everything you do needs to be about the child having memories of it sometimes it’s nice for the parents to have nice memories too.

One year I got a week in Corfu for £68 each. I am massive bargain Hunter, always pounce on the flights the day way jet and Ryanair release them.

Even now you can fly to Jordan £60-80 return from Paris. You can go on booking.com and get camping from £12 a night. Car hose is far from expensive and even traders are reasonable. The bargains are right there for the taking. We're very very rarely paid more than £140 per person for a holiday in term time/at the very end of term and it's only now we've only got one teen left we are splashing out a bit and me and my DH are going on a Caribbean fly cruise . Now our tent doesn't want to come with us so when my grand kids are a bit older we will be taking them instead.

Being nosey I know but how do you manage to afford Disneyland for five kids??

This! All of this!

I have been to the funeral of a 6 year old family member this year, I couldn't have put it better myself.