I would love to have these problems!

[RodeRange]

I read threads with fascination, all the common issues and problems that seem to come up. It's like a foreign planet to me.

I left school at 14, I was very ill. I recovered but sadly lost every friend I had. In my 20s, I lost my DM who was my only family. No siblings, no aunts, uncles, grandparents.

I met DH when I was 23 and we married, he has no family either apart from a brother who lives in Canada. Fast forward - we forged our own business together which has done very well financially, working life though is just us, no colleagues.

I'm a friendly, warm person and throughout life I made the odd friend via hobbies but never had a group of friends or been close to anyone. I do have agoraphobic tendencies that I've had since I was poorly which I fight every day.

I've never been to a wedding, never been invited to a BBQ, or to dinner with a friend, or a birthday party. I've never spent Christmas with more than one person (either Mum or DH). I'm invisible, not needed by anyone.

I decided not to have children because I feel like a broken person with my past, and a broken parent is no good for a child. I read that it takes a village to raise a child, and I don't have a village.

I just wanted to say that I'd love to have some of the problems I read on here...I'm so envious of your full, busy lives filled with people and purpose.

I'd swap all the money I have to know what it's like to belong, to feel included, to feel part everything.

I ended up joining a local WI in order to make friends - I figured I like baking and crafts so I would probably like other people who did those things. I have had to make a real effort to make friends who aren't university friends though, including attending things when I can't be bothered to really.

I find arranging casual things with people one to one or in very small groups is the way to turn acquaintances into friends, preferably attending something low key relating to a mutual interest. So a trip to a nature reserve, or for coffee and to a local craft shop, or an exhibition on local history, a national trust place or whatever. Those are all things that suit me rather than you - but they create a set of conversation openers by virtue of the thing that you're doing and then the getting to know the person happens more naturally.

Otherwise I think the part where you convert acquaintances into friends can be really difficult. When you meet someone there's all the standard basic questions about family, pets, work etc. Then once you know someone properly you can just chat naturally without thinking. But when you are past the just meeting stage you've exhausted all the small talk but haven't got natural chatting to do yet. In those instances I think creating a scaffold in the form of a meeting which creates conversation can be really helpful.

I hope you're not ruling out children because of the old "village" cliche. Plenty of people successfully raise children without extended family. And please don't deprive yourself of the chance to have your own happy family, because you were deprived of one. I have a difficult family situation (including losing parents young), and getting married and having my own children has brought so much light and joy to my life. Having your own family means you won't be alone.

Oh that's not the case at all! I've been busy/distracted with boring work stuff and just reading through now - apologies if anyone felt I'd ignored their questions.

I'm pretty sure the thread has run it's course but just to answer...

I have limited interaction with others with work, it's just DH and I, and the occasional contractor.

DH is very introverted, but he has two friends from school who he's still in touch with, he's very happy with his life and interactions, it's only me that feels this way. His hobby is motorbikes, which he shares with his friends. I did try to learn to ride a motorbike but...well, let's just say I wasn't a natural (funny but not funny story...)

The option of children is definitely behind me, I'm in my 40s and DH in his 50s. I didn't want to bring a child/children into my world, without loving grandparents or aunts/uncles, etc to feel the loss I've felt when I've had to grieve and say goodbye to loved ones.

For our wedding we were married abroad, there was the Officiant and his partner, who acted as the photographer/witness.

We did explore getting married in the UK with DH's friends attending as witnesses but they said they were busy (which they were!). They're pretty introverted too, thinking about it.

I understand what you mean. It must be difficult. I am not very far away from you. May be we can meet somewhere outside & take it from there?

This is so insightful and helpful, thank you.

The converting acquaintances into friends is where I struggle - it's like I don't know how to forge forwards without feeling like a weirdo. And I don't want to impose on anyone.

Perhaps I've been feeding myself a narrative that no one would want to be friends with me, that I'm not worthy, self-perpetuating this isolation.

Right, time to be positive, not take all this so seriously, be very open, join even more groups and just...see what happens?

How do you know where the OP lives? :/

Thank you ❤💐 I'm doing great, just can't push myself for a few more weeks!

I'm merseyside/Cheshire way and quite genuinely if you're ever these ways let me know, even if it's not bbq weather I'd be more than happy to take you for lunch!

I guess next to that I would be thankful I have a secure home and I’m not in pain

Hi @RodeRange,
I don’t feel like your post was patronising or anything like that and I really feel for you.

Its incredibly hard making friends as an adult, especially if you don’t work in an environment which puts you in touch with people outside your immediate family on a daily basis.

FWIW I think you sound very genuine and quite lovely and I would say that the best thing you could do is to just keep putting yourself out there; go along to new hobby groups, get volunteering or get yourself an allotment! I was suprised at how social our allotment people are and it’s a really nice welcoming community!

It takes time, but keep putting yourself forward and keep suggesting things to do with the new acquaintances that you make and you never know which ones will turn into long lasting friendships :).

Massive kudos for cultivating a successful business in this climate as well; that’s definitely something to be mega proud of. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs xx

Although you have chosen not to have kids, would you consider fostering? I'm sure you have lots to offer and it changes lives.

I think you should take some classes OP, pottery, golf, all kinds of things. One of my girlfriends who is a stay at home mom did and she now has a group of hard drinking, super fun, golf friends who are all older ladies in their 50s and 60s who have all been so supportive and who she has a great time with. It can be hard sometimes to make friends with people who are busy with family life/work, but there are so many lovely people in this world, I think you just need to keep trying. Take a class and bring a cake to share on the 3rd or 4th lesson, you can find your people 😊

Well, I'm in a similar position of needing to make new friends after moving very far way.

I looked at some Meetup groups for friendships but they won't accept members who have DC under 18 years which is fair I think. I would find it difficult to commit to a set number of outings due to my commitment to my DSs so that will have to wait but worth while for you to look at?

I tried to join a book club, my local library has a few that link to them and they were in the process of starting some new ones. Annoyingly I am 9 months down the road from that request and no closer to actually being in a book club.

There is a local yarn store that does a once a month knit and natter get together on a Sat afternoon which I am planning to go to.

Other things in my community for 40+ or 50+ are all during the working day which is really annoying. I assume they think only retirees need to get out and about.

I mainly WFH but have committed to going into the office once a week, even though none of my team members work in my state so I still have to talk to them via the computer, but I get to chat to others in the company, and have joined the social club. I think I am on the way to turning acquaintances into friends there, we will see.

I have a couple of old friends (from 40 odd years ago....) that I am reconnecting with.

I have very little spare time though which makes it harder, and very little energy as well. But I know that it takes effort.

It also takes patience. Going from acquaintance to friend is a slow process (apart from those rare occasions when you meet, click, and BOTH want/need friends so happens almost instantaneously!).

It's hard making friends as an adult but don't give up. Start new activities or join groups related to things you'll actually enjoy - a sport, hiking, painting, an allotment, a writing group, a film club, line dancing. Board game groups are particularly good for introverts. You have to concentrate on the game so small talk doesn't matter. You do need to keep at it - friendships take effort. Believe in yourself, and enjoy some new activities:)

I’m in mid Wales, DM me if you like, OP :-)

I wonder if you might like to explore why you haven't found it easy to make friends? My DH sounds similar to you in that health issues disrupted his schooling, which if you think about it is the training ground for social interactions. He lives with chronic pain which restricts his energy. He's a natural introvert which he explored by reading the book Quiet which you might like. Finally he was diagnosed with autism recently.

All of this helped him make sense of why he felt 'weird'. He now understands that small group socialising suits him and he does have several close friendships. He's let go of some of his worries and feels more confident.

@StarBloo @Pinktottenham looking back, without the support from mine and DH parents I think bringing up our little ones would have been extremely hard. One of my children was born with complications, if it was only me and DH in our world I'd have crumbled

You only think like that because you had support though. I always say on threads Mumsnet seems to be the only place people grow up, study, and get a job near their parents, who then either want to or are expected to ‘pitch in’. In the real world I don’t think it happens like this much. I don’t know of one person who is anywhere parents or family, neither does DH. We certainly were not and the reality is, if you are not spoilt with having someone near by, you just pull up the big person pants and you DO cope. Of ours, we have 2 with SN, one of these was in hosp for months after birth, many surgeries, then over the next few years in more than out, and we had others, and just the two of us. Was it hard? Yes, but was it doable, yes, we coped because we simply had to. You just put one foot in front of the other. You have to. That’s exactly what you and your DH would have done in that situation, you would have coped, because there is simply no alternative. You just can’t see this because you didn’t have to.

I wonder if you can find a community you'd feel comfortable in. My go to has always been church - I've moved around a lot and in new places I will try and find a church to join. It takes a bit of research as I don't want a judgy conservative church but there are some lovely ones out there. A ready made community of (in the right one) nice people, and as many rotas as you can bear to join! (You bake cakes, you say? We'll sign you up for the thousand bake sales we do in the community! Can you whip up twelve banana loaves for the vicarage summer garden party? And some cupcakes for toddler group graduation??) I know religion isn't for everyone but it is where I have found a place to belong. And there's always a BBQ to go to 😂

@HoppingPavlova just because your situation involved your big girl pants doesn't mean everyone's does. My child was also in hospital for months from birth, multiple surgeries, but also needed 24/7 care with 2 people with them at all times for the first 6 years of their life. Due to complications could not only have 1 person as emergency interventions at any time they were needed day or night needed 2 people. 2 people that had to give up their good jobs to be carers for 6 years. Then eventually when things changed and 1 went back to work at the 6 year point, things were still very rocky. Regular A&E admissions whilst also having a baby at home, without my parents I'd have crumbled. My parents by the way who happily supported us however they could, I never asked for a thing I was showered with their love and support, exactly like I'd do for my child. No one was "expected to pitch in", my family were just very loving and supportive of the horrendous situation we were in.

Glad you were able to just pull up your big girl pants though, well done.

I was talking to a friend recently and she was telling me about a big UK uni which runs a course for students to help them understand how to make and keep friendships. It's heavily subscribed (the most popular course apparently). So you are not alone in this struggle.

There are many self help books on the subject.

My mum has always struggled to maintain close relationships with friends. My observation as an adult is that she needs practice in the give and take in conversations. She thinks she listens when actually she is pretty much in 'transmit' mode most of the time. It makes conversations rather one sided and people don't feel valued and can only cope with the intensity in short busts. My mum's view of herself is that she's a good listener, and very empathetic. I don't think people feel that about her at all. She is a very lovely kind woman though and I think she feels sad that people hold back with her.

I'm not saying that this is your issue, but writing it to illustrate that how we come across is sometimes at odds with how people experience us and that can be a barrier to making and sustaining friendships. Getting some self awareness in this can be helpful. Some therapy might help you to work through this and to support you as you try out new behaviours to see if they can help.

I've also read that people have some odd ideas about what friendship actually is, and what it means in practical terms. For example what expectations do we place on the other's behaviour, availability and how much of themselves they give to us? Some people need to be taught what the skills and balance are for a good deep friendship. You Amy be one of the (many!) who would benefit from that kind of insight.

You clearly have the ability to connect though as your successful relationship with your DH demonstrates. What can you learn from your relationship with him? What can you transfer to non-partners relationships?

You can add into the mix that sometimes it can be hard to 'find your people'. I used to live in a small town where people used to think I was a bit odd. I moved to a city and immediately found My People who think like me and see me as normal. I have been as happy as Larry ever since.

You sound very lovely to me and with a bit of work and insight I think you can fix this, move forward and find some more joy in your life 😊

@HoppingPavlova yeah I won't derail the thread either but if you've never heard of a situation where a child needs 2:1 care then that's not my problem. Of course we could go for a wee or sleep on opposite schedules, we were still there for when something happened. But anyways, delighted for you that you weren't in that situation and things were a bit easier for you.