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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Family and friends dislike BF

78 replies

Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 22:49

I (26F) would confide in family and friends whenever BF (31M) and I argue but I admittedly probably said more than I should have. We have been together just shy of a year but none of my family or friends like my BF based on the stories I have told them. They have ALL encouraged me to breakup with him.

For context some of the things BF has done wrong:

  1. Didn’t pay anything towards my birthday weekend away or meal.
  2. Lied about sexual history when we initially started dating but weren’t exclusive. There was an overlap between I and another woman.
  3. Told me last minute he forgot to book the date of a concert off and was unable to get the leave from work so we couldn’t go. The concert was in a different city so I wasn’t prepared to go alone and none of my friends were available.
  4. He has only met two of my friends properly so far and both times he ended up so drunk we had to bring him to bed.

BF & I did briefly split and everyone was estatic but we recently reconnected. So far I have been keeping it a secret from family and friends because I know that they will be disappointed and will react badly and I fear some friends may even cut me off as they’re that opinionated.

We (BF & I) had a long and hard chat about the good and the ugly which he took accountability and apologized for. He said he was going to try change in order to become a better boyfriend and person but it’s still early days so I can’t make any comment on whether he has or not.

I absolutely love BF. He is funny, caring, and I always feel like I can be myself around him. We have similar passions and goals and the same perspectives on marriage and children. In the nicest way, BF is an “acquired” taste, he’s more introverted than I and can be socially awkward around people initially (drinks to calm the nerves), but once he becomes comfortable he is a different person completely for the better and can nearly come off too friendly (sometimes mistaken for being nosey).

I don’t want to hide my relationship but I hate disapproval. I want my family and friends to like BF but know it’s my own fault they don’t because of how often I overstated about the bad. AIBU to let their opinions bother me? BF still hasn’t met any of my family bar younher sister yet.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 10/09/2023 22:55

Did you "overstate" the bad or did you just tell them the cold hard facts?

The fact that they have ALL said they don't like him is rather telling. You seem to be blaming yourself for this rather than facing the fact that your boyfriend is a bit of a dick who lied to you earlier on and is a complete tight arse. He sounds like quite the catch.

LusaBatoosa · 10/09/2023 23:00

Please break up with this man.

SpamFrittersYouSay · 10/09/2023 23:01

So you've been together barely a year and you've already had a break up? 🚩

He needs a drink to warm up 🚩

Everyone is warning you against him 🚩

Contributed nothing towards your birthday 🚩

Lied to you 🚩

Good luck!

FictionalCharacter · 10/09/2023 23:03

Everyone else can see what you can't see because you're besotted. He's awful.

LessYappingMoreDoing · 10/09/2023 23:04

He sounds awful.
You can do better.

mosiacmaker · 10/09/2023 23:05

You should trust your family and friends :)

BiscuitsandPuffin · 10/09/2023 23:06

Hopefully this is your wake up call not to spread your dirty laundry around because when you're mad at someone it's easy to focus on aspects of their personality that you usually wouldn't worry about. Of course your family have a bad opinion of him, they think they're supporting you. You need to talk to them about this and be very honest, especially about what you said and maybe think about why you felt the need to tell them things that you knew would make your family dislike him.

Having said that, the BF doesn't sound great TBH. The two-timing would put me off completely. Are you really sure he's a keeper?

Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:06

How do I wake up and become less ‘besotted’? I won’t lie and will admit that I am very inexperienced when it comes to relationships (last BF was at 17) because I always lived with the opinion your early twenties should be spent single and roaming free until I met BF and fell in love.

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10HailMarys · 10/09/2023 23:06

Why would you expect them to like someone who treats you like shit and gets so drunk when meeting your friends that he can’t even get himself to bed? I wouldn’t like someone who behaved like that either, because they’d clearly be a wanker.

He has made you feel hurt and angry many times and your friends and family have seen you upset by his shitty behaviour. Why would they like someone who repeatedly upsets you like that? They’ve listened to you and been sympathetic but you can’t expect them to just put what they know about your relationship to one side and pretend that he doesn’t sound like a giant arsehole.

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 23:09

So many red flags. Run for the hills.

Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:10

In fairness and I’m not excusing BF’s behaviour, but both times that he met my friends were social settings out at bars. He would never pre-drink beforehand but definitely drank too quickly while we were out and about.

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Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:13

BF was sleeping with a woman when we met and there was a three week overlap between her and I, BF told me when we first met that he hadn’t slept or dated anyone in two years since his ex and the pandemic, I believed him because he was so attentive and sweet. I was actually the “other woman” as such but he said that he and she weren’t exclusive and he thought dating worked such a way i.e. you mingle with many till you find “the one” you like. My issue wasn’t with the overlap but the fact he lied about it and I uncovered the lie myself.

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 10/09/2023 23:15

Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:13

BF was sleeping with a woman when we met and there was a three week overlap between her and I, BF told me when we first met that he hadn’t slept or dated anyone in two years since his ex and the pandemic, I believed him because he was so attentive and sweet. I was actually the “other woman” as such but he said that he and she weren’t exclusive and he thought dating worked such a way i.e. you mingle with many till you find “the one” you like. My issue wasn’t with the overlap but the fact he lied about it and I uncovered the lie myself.

he thought dating worked such a way i.e. you mingle with many till you find “the one” you like

So why did he lie?

PimpMyFridge · 10/09/2023 23:16

Your might feel you are on each others wavelength when you're together but his behaviour is really off and just because he's shed he should/could do better isn't a good sign necessarily, very few people manage to 'change' unless they were acting out of character for some reason or other, actually 99% of the time, that's who he is.
There are so many reasons to be cautious with this guy I'm not surprised your family aren't keen.
If you do one thing, you should remember that your family of anyone have your best interests at heart (unless you have dodgy toxic family), so whilst you might not like it, and you might want to share less of the negatives... the reality is that unless you told them lies, they are saying him for what he is and don't want to see you hurt.

So, shield them from the truth if you want to take the heat off but don't dismiss how they feel because you love him, keep your eyes open and until you've seen him in a wide variety of situations (stressed, happy, tired but having to put someone else first, how he treats junior colleagues, how he talks to his mum, etc etc etc etc you don't really know him).
You need two years at heart to really know someone in all their true colours.

LizardLizard · 10/09/2023 23:17

To be fair, I just read that list and I’m not keen on him either.

PimpMyFridge · 10/09/2023 23:18

@LusaBatoosa 👏

Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:18

I asked him this question and his response was that he presumed I wouldn’t be as interested if I knew he was sleeping with someone else but that he also felt insecure about his sexual performance as he still felt inexperienced and was embarrassed by it. Now I really don’t disbelieve the latter because BF has cried during sex before and I will admit his knob isn’t the biggest (but it gets the job done).

OP posts:
Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:23

BF put his behaviour down to a large work project that overwhelmed and stressed him but is since now completed. He also doesn’t have two consecutive days off and really struggles mentally with this because he spends his day off thinking about work the following day. I have weekends off so we get >24 hours together per week which also plays a factor in how tough things are. BF is in the tech field and is currently working and building his portolfio and is going to start searching for new jobs that have weekends off so we can have more time together.

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WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 10/09/2023 23:23

When all of your friends and family dislike your partner- listen!

Sometimes love blinds sensible judgement. None of your friends and family would want to see you unhappy, they clearly think your heart break over a split would result in less unhappiness than the future you could have with this man.

I do wish o had listen to my friends and family when I was in a relationship like this, would have saved me so much time.

LusaBatoosa · 10/09/2023 23:25

Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:18

I asked him this question and his response was that he presumed I wouldn’t be as interested if I knew he was sleeping with someone else but that he also felt insecure about his sexual performance as he still felt inexperienced and was embarrassed by it. Now I really don’t disbelieve the latter because BF has cried during sex before and I will admit his knob isn’t the biggest (but it gets the job done).

Oh, for goodness sake, OP.

So, *he thought dating worked such a way i.e. you mingle with many till you find “the one” you like but also *he presumed I wouldn’t be as interested if I knew he was sleeping with someone else

You’re not seeing that these are incompatible statements?

And what does his sexual prowess have to do with anything? Why are you telling us about the size of his knob?

Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:26

I think subconsciously I know there’s more chance of them being right than I being right about BF and his ability to change, but I am very much besotted and love blind to see any sense or logic because I want so desperately for BF to stick to his word and become a better person

OP posts:
LusaBatoosa · 10/09/2023 23:28

Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:26

I think subconsciously I know there’s more chance of them being right than I being right about BF and his ability to change, but I am very much besotted and love blind to see any sense or logic because I want so desperately for BF to stick to his word and become a better person

Then you’re actively choosing to bugger yourself. Good luck, I guess? What would you like from us?

Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:28

I was asked why he lied and the reason I mentioned the size of his knob was an aspect of my answer, BF is very insecure about his size and feels he is inexperienced as a result. He refers to himself as a “late bloomer” because he was always afraid if he had sex, he’d be mocked by the girl or word would get out. He lied about not having sex in two years to (in his words) decrease or elimate any sexual expectations I may of had for him

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DuchessOfSausage · 10/09/2023 23:29

How do I wake up and become less ‘besotted’?
You are besotted with who you think he is, not who he actually is.
If he was that great, you wouldn't have been slagging him off to friends and family.
The way you describe him, he sounds like a rubbish boyfriend.
You sound like someone who'd rather have any boyfriend than dump a shit one

Original poster
Sailawaymike · 10/09/2023 23:30

I suppose unbiased advice. None of you personally know or care for me and don’t have my best interests at heart and can see with a clear perspective.

If anyone else has been in a similar situation, I’d like to hear how that went and ended for them

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