AIBU - Family and friends dislike BF

[Sailawaymike]

I (26F) would confide in family and friends whenever BF (31M) and I argue but I admittedly probably said more than I should have. We have been together just shy of a year but none of my family or friends like my BF based on the stories I have told them. They have ALL encouraged me to breakup with him.

For context some of the things BF has done wrong:

1. Didn’t pay anything towards my birthday weekend away or meal.
2. Lied about sexual history when we initially started dating but weren’t exclusive. There was an overlap between I and another woman.
3. Told me last minute he forgot to book the date of a concert off and was unable to get the leave from work so we couldn’t go. The concert was in a different city so I wasn’t prepared to go alone and none of my friends were available.
4. He has only met two of my friends properly so far and both times he ended up so drunk we had to bring him to bed.

BF & I did briefly split and everyone was estatic but we recently reconnected. So far I have been keeping it a secret from family and friends because I know that they will be disappointed and will react badly and I fear some friends may even cut me off as they’re that opinionated.

We (BF & I) had a long and hard chat about the good and the ugly which he took accountability and apologized for. He said he was going to try change in order to become a better boyfriend and person but it’s still early days so I can’t make any comment on whether he has or not.

I absolutely love BF. He is funny, caring, and I always feel like I can be myself around him. We have similar passions and goals and the same perspectives on marriage and children. In the nicest way, BF is an “acquired” taste, he’s more introverted than I and can be socially awkward around people initially (drinks to calm the nerves), but once he becomes comfortable he is a different person completely for the better and can nearly come off too friendly (sometimes mistaken for being nosey).

I don’t want to hide my relationship but I hate disapproval. I want my family and friends to like BF but know it’s my own fault they don’t because of how often I overstated about the bad. AIBU to let their opinions bother me? BF still hasn’t met any of my family bar younher sister yet.

Who paid for the tickets for the concert you didn’t go to because he didn’t take the time off?

This. What a frustrating read.

They don't like cause he's a twat. HTH

You've given him the final chance.
It's you who has to love him and live with him.. or leave him.
Set your own boundaries and break up when he disappoints you. Don't give him endless chances
It is unfair to him and your family to have them not meet.
All relationships need support for the long term so him liking your family is important and visa versa.

Will he stop getting drunk?
Will he stop lying by omission?
Will he like you enough to remember dates of events'and to pay for a birthday treat?

In short - is he trustworthy, sincere and committed - always?

It's not only everyone else you need to listen to. Listen to yourself. You say you are giving him another chance in the hope he'll change? So even you know he's not right for you as it stands. He is not going to change. This is who he is. He can pretend to be someone else in the short term but it will slip sooner or later.

He's manipulative - about the cheating, the sex, your other social plans. I bet they would say you've changed & become less confident over the last 12 months.

That's why they don't like him.

They're probably worried that another 6 months will be enough for him to convince you that moving to the US isn't what you want. Or get you pregnant.

You don't 'wake up and become less besotted', you learn to recognise that sometimes we become besotted with people who aren't good for us, and have to move on if we respect ourselves.

He's an insecure liar with an alcohol problem. Do you think he's good for you?

I think you need to spend sometime on yourself. You sound very naive - from not going to a concert in your own to over sharing with your friends and family. Once you've solidified as an independent grown up, you can go to the next step. You say you're inexperienced in relationships because you wanted to be free and single - without practice 'learner' relationships, you're still learning how to be in a relationship. You haven't skipped the crap boyfriends before The One - you've just put off gaining the skills you'll need to have a successful relationship.

Apologies if I have this wrong. In my twenties, this is the advice that I needed to hear when I was in a similar position.

You know what @Sailawaymike, you love him and you aren't going to listen to anyone until you've had enough of him.
It's what humans do. I've been in similar positions and ignored everyone. Worked out shite for me and guess what? I didn't learn my lesson then either 😂

It took me doing the MN favourite, "raising the bar" and once I did that, I found myself a wonderful DP.

In an ideal world we'd all listen to those who can spot Red flags like a bull spots a red rag, but sadly we don't.
He sounds a total prick, even the things that you have mild excuses for ... he's just a prick.
But until you're ready to chuck him back, you won't.

In your situation with the benefit of age, wisdom and experience I'd end it, grieve and start a fresh in the USA.

But you have to live your life and make mistakes for yourself, so just enjoy the good bits and the minute you feel enough is enough, block, delete, move on.

Obviously if he ever turns aggressive, verbally, physically or sexually you run for the hills and report to the police if appropriate.

Good luck and I hope that everything goes well, life experiences aren't always pleasant, but necessary. Enjoy the ride, pal, you'll know when it's time to get off and get on a new one x

I’ve been there. Except I didn’t complain about him to my friends and family so they had no pre conceived ideas about him. Without exception, they hated him and, although they were very kind and gentle about it, they were over the moon when we broke up. And they were all right. I just didn’t want to see it because I was so smitten with him. I wanted him to be better so that they could see the same things I saw. I completely missed the point that asking him to be better was asking him to pretend to be a nice person, which he wasn’t. Compare this to DH and they instantly loved him. And they’ve been right.

Realistically, this is never going to work out, is it? You’re going to be in a different country soon and you will regret it for the rest of your life if you let him negatively impact this experience for you. If he was just a fwb then I’d agree with your sister. But you have feelings. End it now and give yourself time to heal before you start your new life.

We can only go by what you tell us. You have told us that he is far from caring, that he's a liar, etc. It doesn't seem like you have your best interests at heart and can see with a clear perspective.

You call your friends opinionated, but you're the ones who gave them the opinion.

What's good about him? Does he ask you what you think and want to do? Does he pay his way? Does he drink too much and can't hold back when he knows he's being embarrassing, if you are I'll does he care for you? Can you see your friends? Chat to men? Have you met his friends and if so are they welcoming?

Okay so you already want him to change.....that's only going to be in one direction people are at their best behaviour in new situations and start taking things for granted as they feel comfortable.

Go with your friends and family guy instincts unless perhaps your friends inparticular have a track record of interfering in your relationships.

Jeez, you’re only 26yrs old. The most important advice you need to hear is that you cannot change his fundamental personality. He’s already shown you who he is and that’s who he’ll revert back to being. Your friends and family already know this.

Get out there and start dating again. You’ll come to realise that he’s really not a prize catch at all and you’ll find someone who adores you, treats you with love and respect and your friends and family will love him too!

I had a few long term relationships and only met DH when I was in my late thirties so there’s no hurry to settle for third best.

Why did you split up for a bit?

He doesn't sound funny or caring or fun at all. My sister went out with a guy who, on every social occasion, got so drunk that he made a complete tit of himself/had to be taken home. He was in his 40s with two kids but a total manchild. He was also tight with money and completely unreliable - like your BF. I was delighted when he dumped her - saying he wasn't ready for a relationship, like, no shit - although somewhat frustrated that he'd been the one to do the dumping when she was actually way out of his league. She's always had terrible taste in men though.

Your friends and family won't like him unless he earns their liking, which so far he's absolutely not done. Easier said than done but try and be objective about this. WHY do you like him? If you've been slagging him off to your mates, then really, you don't like him all that much. Are you just afraid of being single?

He sounds a right dick... sorry but he does.

I reckon you'll come back to this thread in a few yeard and wish you'd gotten rid.

Okay I’ll admit I was madly in love with a total waster in my early 20’s my family hated him and were so happy when we broke up. Of course I was so besotted we got back together and I was scared to tell anyone. He was even more shit than I knew and one of my friends had the courage to tell me stuff about him that I didn’t know, she was scared I wouldn’t speak to her again. I gathered my strength and finished with him, yes I was still madly in love and felt so sad that “ the love of my life” wasn’t right for me. Did I fall in love again yes of course with a mature life long love, but not in the crazy in love way that I did with the total waster.

You cut your friend off because she had a boyfriend cheating on her and couldn't believe the warnings she was given.
Now she's threatening the same 'out of spite' so you say (but can you blame her)
You think your cousin was looking for fault on purpose even though she found him condescending and tight (didn't have to look far did she).

I think you and this guy are well suited.

@Sailawaymike

I was in exactly your situation when I was around 18/19. I was absolutely besotted with my boyfriend but everyone around me could see he was an arsehole.

He moved abroad for a year and I carried on visiting him, then I started uni and we carried on dating for a few months. We broke up in my first year. It was the best decision I ever made. I just decided one day that it was over and I never wanted to see him again.

Try think if it was your friend asking you for advice and why you think so lowly of yourself that you only deserve this guy. I would completely cut your ties when you move to the USA.

I now have the most loving and caring husband and can't believe I let anyone treat me like my ex did...

I'm with your friends and family. You're assuming they dislike him because you've overshared, but they've met him, spent time with him, and still dislike him. The fact that he began your relationship with a huge lie is a great, big honkin' red flag. He is not a keeper.

Don't be this desperate & don't have another relationship until you can be private without broadcasting chapter & verse to everyone you know.

Do the Freedom Programme asap.

Put your energy into preparing to make the most of your US opportunity.

If you are working you CAN afford a room in a shared house for 6 months.

And while this waste of space is in your life (1)he is taking up space in your life. This energy could be going to your existing friends and family. This waster being your BF means you can't have a decent BF at the same time.

(2)you signal to others your lack of self esteem. They are less likely to introduce you to their eligible friends/brothers/sons etc.

Or, just carry on, and come back to Mumsnet moaning about your useless partner who doesn't help with the kids and is a cheating alcoholic.

How to become less besotted :

• end the relationship
• give it time
• accept that it hurts, that’s normal
• cold Turkey, don’t follow your sister’s advice - you can’t sleep with someone you’re trying to reduce your feelings for.
• get some exercise, do adrenaline things that scare you a little, that give you that excitement from another source
• date around safely if you like, or I used to like partnered dancing like Latin styles, the fun of a date but in a sort of formal context

I paid for the concert tickets and BF sent me the amount in full as compensation to make up for it. I managed to sell the tickets at a reduced rate last minute and BF didn’t want any of the money back.