AIBU - Family and friends dislike BF

[Sailawaymike]

I (26F) would confide in family and friends whenever BF (31M) and I argue but I admittedly probably said more than I should have. We have been together just shy of a year but none of my family or friends like my BF based on the stories I have told them. They have ALL encouraged me to breakup with him.

For context some of the things BF has done wrong:

1. Didn’t pay anything towards my birthday weekend away or meal.
2. Lied about sexual history when we initially started dating but weren’t exclusive. There was an overlap between I and another woman.
3. Told me last minute he forgot to book the date of a concert off and was unable to get the leave from work so we couldn’t go. The concert was in a different city so I wasn’t prepared to go alone and none of my friends were available.
4. He has only met two of my friends properly so far and both times he ended up so drunk we had to bring him to bed.

BF & I did briefly split and everyone was estatic but we recently reconnected. So far I have been keeping it a secret from family and friends because I know that they will be disappointed and will react badly and I fear some friends may even cut me off as they’re that opinionated.

We (BF & I) had a long and hard chat about the good and the ugly which he took accountability and apologized for. He said he was going to try change in order to become a better boyfriend and person but it’s still early days so I can’t make any comment on whether he has or not.

I absolutely love BF. He is funny, caring, and I always feel like I can be myself around him. We have similar passions and goals and the same perspectives on marriage and children. In the nicest way, BF is an “acquired” taste, he’s more introverted than I and can be socially awkward around people initially (drinks to calm the nerves), but once he becomes comfortable he is a different person completely for the better and can nearly come off too friendly (sometimes mistaken for being nosey).

I don’t want to hide my relationship but I hate disapproval. I want my family and friends to like BF but know it’s my own fault they don’t because of how often I overstated about the bad. AIBU to let their opinions bother me? BF still hasn’t met any of my family bar younher sister yet.

Any time my family and friends havent liked a boyfriend, they were right. They just recognised it quicker than me.

From what you've written here I can't see why you would like him. Even when you think you love the guy, you can't sell him as a good catch!
You shouldn't have already broken up and rekindled within a year.. yet I probably would have expected him to meet more of your family and friends. Why hasn't he?

(Edit: re breaking up and rekindling.. maybe in a "thought I wasn't ready but actually you're the one" kinda way. But not in a "you're a dickhead and everyone hates you" kinda way)

He's tight (didn't contribute to your birthday at all)

He's insecure (cried because he thinks his knob is too small, and I'm guessing needing your reassurance??!!)

Thoughtless (didn't take the time off for the concert)

Is a liar when it suits him (come on, he knew damn well you would be upset at being the OW, he didn't misunderstand!)

Needs alcohol to bolster his courage (and gets drunk in the process)

Is over familiar with people (nosiness when HE feels comfortable with people, but who gives a damn how they feel??!)

These are all pretty big flaws. They're not just "misunderstandings". These are the type of flaws that will cause you really big problems in the future and are not the "just a little bit annoying" ones.

He might be great company, but you need more that that from a partner. You need honesty, faithfulness, generosity, and thoughtfulness.

Sorry op, these are pretty big flaws.

Why would you expect them to like someone who treats you like shit and gets so drunk when meeting your friends that he can’t even get himself to bed? I wouldn’t like someone who behaved like that either, because they’d clearly be a wanker.

This.
As is often said on relationship threads, 'When someone tells / shows you who they really are, then listen'.

I agree with what @LusaBatoosa said.

People are who they are.

He's not going to improve so stop wasting your time

He’s a drunk and a loser. Your family and friends are right. Wake up and for God’s sake don’t move in with or marry him.

I have a daughter who is probably your age who had a boyfriend years ago who was a complete waste of space. It's not an uncommon thing on here. Few things are so frustrating and upsetting as watching your child be involved with someone who is a complete and utter prick, and who treats them badly. It's absolutely devastating.

Can you understand why your family think of him like this? All they are going on as what you have told them.

You really need to wake up and see what you are doing here. You are wasting your precious years on him.

It's because we don't know you that we can be completely honest with you.

The thing is that you have actually told your family and friends how horrible he is. You've told them again and again. Now you seem shocked that they don't want you to be with him. Why would they want you to be with someone like that?

You are very immature and naive if you think that he will change just because you want him to.

His character is formed now. Nobody likes his character including you. It's not going to change.

I don't like him either.

He's a loser, dump and move on.

You've tried to make him sound good here and he still sounds awful.

Please just break it off and find someone worthwhile.

As for crying during sex, how did you not get the immediate ick? He even told you he's lied to you to make you feel sorry for him and not have 'expectations' around sex, and lied about seing someone else so you would sleep with him in the first place.

He's literally said 'I lied to manipulate you' and then burst into tears to manipulate you further.

Your friends and family care about you and think he's bad news. All he's shown you is that he just cares about himself and will lie to get what he wants. He's not the one, chuck him back.

Thoughtless (didn't take the time off for the concert)
Far more likely that he just couldn't be arsed

You already have ‘’woken up’’ by virtue of the fact you have posted on a popular internet forum and listed his faults.

You don’t need anyone to tell you this man is a waste of time, you already know and are actively deciding to let things slide. Please don’t do that. I did it when I was young and stupid because I felt like I had put so much into the relationship that my pride stopped me ending things sooner, which is ironic!

Get a bit more self respect and throw this dickhead back. He will have less and less respect for you otherwise.

He sounds absolutely shit and that's me being polite. Why the hell are you putting up with this crap? Value & respect yourself more - you deserve much better & it won't be hard to find.

I have to move to the US in April for a work opportunity and BF is aware of this. There was small talk initially about him joining and us moving in together (when things were good) but he wouldn’t be able to afford it by then as he also has commitments here i.e. house and dog he would need to maintain while away.

My older sister is the devil on my shoulder telling me to continue seeing BF for fun until I move abroad as I currently live back at home (and I can’t find anywhere to rent locally for my sins) while everyone else is on the breakup and work toward the US wagon.

BF and I did briefly talk about what may happen when I moved away, both bad and good outcomes.

He just sound’s from your description like someone who wants to be looked after rather than someone who will look after you.
That’s ok for now but when you have kids you need the support of someone loyal who can pull his weight.
Be realistic about his ability to change and I’m not saying that you shouldn’t give him a chance but be don’t ignore warning signs - is he tight with his money, would he stop you socialising etc.

He can be tight with his money and wouldn’t be one for grand gestures or flowers. He never stops me from socialising but I’ll be honest, I don’t do enough of it with my friends (wiped out midweek due to work) and most weekends are spent with BF unless I have an occasion on i.e. family event, friends birthday etc.,

Why are you still with him.

You’re wondering why your family and friends don’t like a miserly, alcohol-dependent, tiny-penised man who forgot to mention he was also shagging someone else for weeks after you met?

But if you’re emigrating to the US soon, and he’s ( quite sensibly) not going with you, why is this even a question?

Don’t talk about your relationship problems with your friends and family if you don’t want them to have an opinion of the person

I wouldn’t like your boyfriend if you were one of my friends and you had told me what you put in your OP

I would be polite to him as I respect you but I don’t think I could like him

For god's sake OP, dig your bar up from whatever hole you've buried it in and raise it a bit.

This man is a bottom of the barrel offering. Put him back. Listen to literally everyone in your life who has your best interests at heart and stop listening to the person who values warming his penis over being honest to you. For the love of fuck.

BF and I have > 24 hours a week together unless there’s a Bank Holiday or annual leave. We typically spend our time together catching up rather mingling with anyone else.

This is the one year in my family where there has been no christenings, communions, or confirmations so we’ve had no major family get togethers to bring BF to and introduce him. As for immediate family, my eldest sister and her family emigrated and he has met my younger sibling when I brought him to our home house (neither of my parents were home). In terms of meeting my parents, I don’t speak to my dad so I have no real sense of urgency or desire to introduce them and I feel I can’t introduce one without the other.

I’ve met his family as they live nearby to BF and we often take their dog on a walk. I suppose his extended family do find it weird that BF hasn’t met mine yet but it’s a bit more complicated than meets the eye!

I completely get that.

In hindsight, I really regret airing my dirty laundry as much as I did as I feel I did ruin BFs chances to be liked by my family. I introduced him to my cousin and she couldn’t take to him at all and expressed a strong hatred for him, she found him to be condescending and tight but he kept referring to me as ‘girlfriend’ and ‘baby’ around her so she felt a little uncomfortable. She was purposely looking for flaws because I previously moaned and complained to her. BF is heavy on the PDA and pet names while I’m very much a behind closed doors type of gal.

One friend said she’d cut me out altogether if she found out we were back together but I think this is only out of spite as I did cut her out before due to a man. Her boyfriend (still boyfriend) was actively cheating on her and everyone knew, she wouldn’t believe it but came running back a year or so later apologizing and admitting it did happen but he “changed” (he did not change)

I mean, he sounds awful and your friends and family are trying to tell you that to save you from wasting your time and getting hurt, or god forbid having children with this loser. Listen to them. A lot of red flags here.

Wake up!! Listen to what everyone is saying!

Calling you 'baby' is vile too!
Selfish with money, selfish with love. You deserve better.