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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be just as petty as a friend was to me

123 replies

Dollydaydreeam · 10/09/2023 16:27

So im 7 montha pregnant. Told my friend when i found out at roughly 6 weeks, 2 weeks later she also found out she was pregnant. We were excited about being pregnant together and talked of how our children would grow up together etc etc. However she lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks, she is a heavier woman and shes put it down to that. She was upset but she got over it quickly, vowed to look after her health a bit more then try again. Ive been very careful not to rub my pregnancy in her face and just mindful of how she might feel around me. We were out for dinner to celebrate finding out the gender, im not a fan of gender reveals so kept it simple. I invited her but told her i would understand completely if she wanted to sit this out. She came along and everyone was in great spirits. Someone done a toast for me, wishing a happy healthy baby etc as toasts go. After the toast she snarkily said "well something could still go wrong, you havent given birth yet!" i just shrugged and said very true but im trying not to think about stuff like that, im suprised i didnt snap but i was quite taken aback by how brazen it was. I could even see her staring from the corner of my eye, waiting for a reaction. To be honest it did piss me off but i thought ok well shes very hurt and this couldnt have been easy for her etc. We arranged to meet up a few times after this, and she lets me down on the day. Sometimes when im in the car on the way. I decided that i was just going to put this friendship on the back burner for a while as i could just sense a lot of resentment and she was messing me about. Heavily pregnant and getting ready to meet friends that let you down last minute is just physically and mentally exhausting etc. Anyway fast forward to the present day, shes found out shes pregnant again, im so happy for her. But every day shes texting me for reassurance. Shes doing pregnancy tests daily, if the line is fainter than a previous day she has a full blown melt down and i have to pick up the peices. I've also told her not to stress herself out with daily testing, one positive pregnancy test is more than enough and to just wait for the early scan shes booked in. Im a tad annoyed at the whole thing, i can see why shes worried as shes lost a pregnancy once. But i cant help but think pfft, i was basically told by her anything can go wrong at any time until the baby is born! Yet im supposed to say no everything will be okay?! Would you say something like this the next time she needs a shoulder to cry on, or would that make me a total asshole?

OP posts:

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 10/09/2023 16:30

It would make you a total asshole. Sorry but you are being totally unreasonable

MidnightOnceMore · 10/09/2023 16:30

Your friend is frightened. You have to either decide to end the friendship because it's not a healthy relationship for you, or you should be decent and not say anything unkind.

I don't think being unkind to her is the right way to go.

Peacendkindness · 10/09/2023 16:31

I think she was massively hurtful and I would step back a bit. Gentle reassurance but step back. You have yourself and your health to think of.

EscapeTheCastle · 10/09/2023 16:34

Don't be mean back but her comment was terrible.

If she is making you feel stressed out then definitely take a step back. You don't need any blood pressure spikes right now. This should be a positive and healthy time for you.

Curseofthenation · 10/09/2023 16:35

Yes, agree with PPs that you should step back. Who needs someone like that in their life?

She can find someone else to lean on.

thecatinthetwat · 10/09/2023 16:36

That would be an awful thing to do. If you’ve gotten to the point that you’re even considering doing this, you need to step back.

she made a snappy remark which was awful, but for you to deliberately plan to say something so awful, wow. Just step back for a while.

yellowsmileyface · 10/09/2023 16:36

What would you be hoping to gain by saying that? Realistically she's just going to get upset and it'll probably end in an argument, nothing achieved.

What she said was out of line, though she was understandably still grieving and obviously wasn't in the right place mentally to go to the gender reveal. I think ultimately you have to either forgive and move on, or distance yourself from her. I'd probably be inclined to do the latter.

I can understand why you're upset. I just don't think any good could come from bringing it up.

Maddy70 · 10/09/2023 16:36

You sound horrible.

"She got over it quickly " no she really didn't.

It must be so hard for her knowing that she would be at the same stage of pregnancy as you she's seeing your body change how hers should be

She let you down , perhaps she just couldn't face you?.

I'm sure it's really irritating the constant messaging but ffs. She's clearly over anxious and you are being a terrible "friend"

diditbark · 10/09/2023 16:36

We were out for dinner to celebrate finding out the gender, im not a fan of gender reveals so kept it simple. I invited her but told her i would understand completely if she wanted to sit this out.

🤨

Original poster

Dollydaydreeam · 10/09/2023 16:37

Yes your all completely right. It wouldn't be helpful from me and I'd just be a complete dick. I think I will just take a little step back as I also need to look after my health, I'll keep telling her not to worry and il definitely be there for her but I cant sit by every morning and do this for hours on end.

OP posts:

Cosmosforbreakfast · 10/09/2023 16:39

She made that comment after having a miscarriage and watching you having a successful pregnancy. It wasn't a nice thing to say, it was out of order but she was obviously hurting and bitter when she said it.

There is no reason for you to be petty. You don't need to lower yourself to snarky remarks like that. Just stop responding every single time. Next time she messages just tell her to let you know how she gets on when she has her scan. Then don't reply to any more. Let what she said go.

BMW6 · 10/09/2023 16:40

I think if your friendship is to survive it would be good to tell her frankly how much her remark and behaviour hurt you. You can tell her you tried to understand her pain but that doesn't give an excuse for her nastiness.

Her needing you now is just taking the piss. She has zero self awareness. I think she needs to reflect and apologise. Perhaps then you can move on as friends. Perhaps not.

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/09/2023 16:41

No I wouldn’t remind a woman who lost her last child that things could still go wrong, nor would I be particularly surprised if she warned me in pregnancy that things sometimes go wrong.

Fifireee · 10/09/2023 16:42

I think she did well to come to your gender celebration/reveal/party. She has entered a scary new world where not every baby makes it to full term. It’s a horrible thing. I doubt there was malice. Just give her the benefit of the doubt and move on.
She isn’t ok about her loss she is devastated and scared.

yellowsmileyface · 10/09/2023 16:43

Also btw, as out of order as it was, I don't think her remark was her being "petty".

It sounds like she was still deeply hurting, trying to suppress the pain, and it came out in an appropriate comment in an inappropriate setting. She probably felt horrible about it later. As hurtful as it was, it wasn't "petty".

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2023 16:44

Hollyisalrightactuallysorry · 10/09/2023 16:30

It would make you a total asshole. Sorry but you are being totally unreasonable

This.

If you honestly want to do this, just ghost her and walk away
It would be less cruel

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 10/09/2023 16:44

My friend and I were pregnant at the same time. Unfortunately I miscarried and she went on to have a healthy baby boy. I was really happy for her but at the same time sad for us as her pregnancy and milestones of her little one felt like a reminder about what we didn't have - like you she was very sensitive about it and never rubbed it in my face or anything. It can be hard but still doesn't excuse what she said. As PP have mentioned you saying something won't achieve anything and if anything unfortunately goes wrong again will potentially build on her upset. Perhaps gently suggest she mentions her anxiety at her 1st midwife appointment or make a gp appointment and see if she can access some support rather than lean on you at a time when you need to focus on yourself!

HoneyPotts · 10/09/2023 16:45

I’d have asked her to leave the table when she made that disgusting comment at your lunch and never spoken to her again.

PimpMyFridge · 10/09/2023 16:50

No need to stoop to that level.

Why don't you say, you've noticed her demeanor to you change, based on her comments and letting you down etc, and you understand if she is finding the friendship with you difficult because of the awful timing of your pregnancies and her loss.
Tell her you would understand if she can't find is easy to treat you well right now and she wants to take some distance from the friendship for a while until she feels she can be around you again.
Say you'd like to be a supportive friend but understandably maybe that you're not the right person to offer that, and you'd rather she backed off than continued to hurt you when you didn't want this rift and her own pain is causing her to do it.

toomuchforonewoman · 10/09/2023 16:51

Wow, you are hard OP. Let the woman go and hopefully she will find a better friend.

Ellie1015 · 10/09/2023 16:51

The comment at dinner was rubbish.

The cancelling is likely as she is struggling.

Your advice of "stop the tests and wait for scan" is stating the obvious and not very helpful.

Fine to take a step back if too much for you though, just try not to think badly of her. Hopefully friendship can recover.

Cloudysky81 · 10/09/2023 16:56

She was out of order, most likely because she was in a bad place.
Shes now scared and afraid.
Its up to you now if you want to remain friends with her. What was she like prior to this? Maybe focus on your friendship prior to the pregnancies.

GiraffeLaSophie · 10/09/2023 16:56

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/09/2023 16:41

No I wouldn’t remind a woman who lost her last child that things could still go wrong, nor would I be particularly surprised if she warned me in pregnancy that things sometimes go wrong.

Losing a pregnancy at 6 weeks, while a horrible thing to go through, does not give you the ‘right’ to point out to someone that they could still have a stillbirth or a late loss. Which is basically what the friend did. It wasn’t a gentle reminder that things can go wrong, or a show of concern, it was a nasty comment. Made by someone who was obviously grieving, but still horrible.

I would have taken a step back from the friendship at that point, as I would have found that difficult to get past. I would disengage slightly, but just try and encourage her to look after herself physically, stop testing and wait for her early scan.

Bookish88 · 10/09/2023 16:58

This...

I've been very careful not to rub my pregnancy in her face and just mindful of how she might feel around me.

And this...

We were out for dinner to celebrate finding out the gender...

Are somewhat incongruous for me. Who even has a special "gender reveal" meal?

SeulementUneFois · 10/09/2023 16:59

BMW6 · 10/09/2023 16:40

Her needing you now is just taking the piss. She has zero self awareness. I think she needs to reflect and apologise. Perhaps then you can move on as friends. Perhaps not.

This OP

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