To be just as petty as a friend was to me

[Dollydaydreeam]

So im 7 montha pregnant. Told my friend when i found out at roughly 6 weeks, 2 weeks later she also found out she was pregnant. We were excited about being pregnant together and talked of how our children would grow up together etc etc. However she lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks, she is a heavier woman and shes put it down to that. She was upset but she got over it quickly, vowed to look after her health a bit more then try again. Ive been very careful not to rub my pregnancy in her face and just mindful of how she might feel around me. We were out for dinner to celebrate finding out the gender, im not a fan of gender reveals so kept it simple. I invited her but told her i would understand completely if she wanted to sit this out. She came along and everyone was in great spirits. Someone done a toast for me, wishing a happy healthy baby etc as toasts go. After the toast she snarkily said "well something could still go wrong, you havent given birth yet!" i just shrugged and said very true but im trying not to think about stuff like that, im suprised i didnt snap but i was quite taken aback by how brazen it was. I could even see her staring from the corner of my eye, waiting for a reaction. To be honest it did piss me off but i thought ok well shes very hurt and this couldnt have been easy for her etc. We arranged to meet up a few times after this, and she lets me down on the day. Sometimes when im in the car on the way. I decided that i was just going to put this friendship on the back burner for a while as i could just sense a lot of resentment and she was messing me about. Heavily pregnant and getting ready to meet friends that let you down last minute is just physically and mentally exhausting etc. Anyway fast forward to the present day, shes found out shes pregnant again, im so happy for her. But every day shes texting me for reassurance. Shes doing pregnancy tests daily, if the line is fainter than a previous day she has a full blown melt down and i have to pick up the peices. I've also told her not to stress herself out with daily testing, one positive pregnancy test is more than enough and to just wait for the early scan shes booked in. Im a tad annoyed at the whole thing, i can see why shes worried as shes lost a pregnancy once. But i cant help but think pfft, i was basically told by her anything can go wrong at any time until the baby is born! Yet im supposed to say no everything will be okay?! Would you say something like this the next time she needs a shoulder to cry on, or would that make me a total asshole?

There is no justification for the friend’s nasty comment that was tempting fate.

it seems to me people are justifying the unjustifiable.

Coupled with her flakey behaviour and bombarding a heavily pregnant OP, it seems to me this is no friend.

I would let her behaviour go as she is clearly struggling and didn't 'get over it quickly' and unless she is normally spiteful I'd try and forgive her.

However if you're heavily pregnant and preparing for birth you're not going to be able to be the support she needs, and hours of consoling her is not going to do you any good either.

So I'd take a step back, not from being ger friend but from being her defeat pregnancy support person. I'd give her a heads up and tell her you have a busy few weeks coming up, with appointments, buying last minute baby stuff, meal prepping and other organising for the baby and feel worried that you might not be able to support her in the way she needs as you won't be as available. And suggest she speaks to a midwife or other friends about her anxiety. And then gradually step down the level of support you give

She was an arsehole and I don’t think I would see her in the same way after that comment and the following smugness while she waited for a reaction from you. Clearly she was hurting and was bitter, but I don’t think that ever gives her and other women the right to scare pregnant women and make them feel vulnerable. That’s how she wanted you to feel (scared and vulnerable), and I wouldn’t be able to forgive her for that.

As you say you’re happy for her, and as tempting as it is to come out with some put down that will make her feel like shit, you don’t want to.

I wouldn’t fall over myself to be an active support network for her though. I think she kind of burned that bridge at the gender meal.

I think the friendship died the day she made that comment.

Draw a line under it and move on.

Message her explaining that the friendship is over then block her. Sometimes you just need to move on.

I can safely say I had no clue how much I would have been affected by miscarriage until it happened to me (also my first pregnancy).

I became obsessed with getting pregnant again and was so stressed before my early scan the next time I got pregnant (6 months later).

Your friend is grieving. And that grief is minimised by others and treated like a dirty little secret (we're not supposed to tell people about pregnancies until we get to 12 weeks etc).

I was very lucky to have a healthy 2nd and 4th pregnancy (had another mc for 3). I genuinely would have been broken if i'd had recurrent miscarriages. Having a miscarriage isn't as horrific as losing a child, but nevertheless it's a very painful experience to go through for many women.

Yabvu. And your posh gender reveal was no different to the other gender reveals. Nobody cares what sex your baby is.

OP is heavily pregnant and receiving daily messages about the daily pregnancy tests. She messaged her friend to try and reassure her and said “I've also told her not to stress herself out with daily testing, one positive pregnancy test is more than enough and to just wait for the early scan shes booked in.”

How is that a crap comment and how does it compare in any way with the friend tempting fate for OP and saying at a celebratory gathering that something could go wrong with OP’s pregnancy?!

Are you for real?

Plus your friend wasn't wrong with "well something could still go wrong, you havent given birth yet!" - I will never understand 'sex reveal' parties, why tempt fate by being so sure and confident before the actual delivery?

If no one cares about OP’s baby, then why should anyone care about yours?

You should not say anything because that would make you absolutely vile , is that the sort of person you want to be ? She was horrendous for saying what she did , you are both toxic to each other and not friends imo .
As someone who had 3 healthy babies and then multiple miscarriages I can assure you the anxiety a previous miscarry causes is like nothing else . Please refrain from causing more , even if she is not a true friend , that is plain evil .

I agree with this also.

She’s not wrong no, but why say it out loud like that? We all know the risks and what could go wrong when we have babies. We don’t need a verbal reminder from friends though! Especially in the way OP’s friend did it.

I am going to be honest here it seems like she’s been hurting more than she’s let on to you about her pregnancy loss, she probably has a lot of jealous feelings towards your healthy pregnancy. I was in her situation and myself and best friend was pregnant at the same time and I lost my pregnancy at 9 weeks, hers continued and she had a daughter. I cancelled plans with her too, and didn’t go to her baby shower because seeing her pregnancy was too hard for me to handle at the time. Once I was pregnant again (now I have 5 month old DS) our friendship is back on track.

I think her telling you something can still go wrong isn’t fair - I wouldn’t have said that myself. I do not think she should have done that. But I guess in that moment that was her jealousy coming out. Maybe tell her how that made you feel. She shouldn’t of said that.

I couldn’t bare people going on about my friends healthy daughter, I literally could fill myself build with jealousy even though I was mostly happy for her. Although I still wouldn’t of said anything like that.

I do not think she was being “petty”. Just grieving her loss, sometimes it can make you feel or do things that aren’t logical. I think that you should just tell her you can’t predict the outcome of her pregnancy, but you are there for her no matter what happens x

she got over it quickly

No she didn't. Her poor remark is a sign that she didn't.

It was a poor remark but chose to remain friends.

Now you are pre-planning your revenge to be cruel to someone who is frightened of experiencing another loss.

Have a word with yourself.

This. And encouraging her that being "too heavy" could be a reason. Getting Bridget Jones "Smug married" vibes from your OP.

“She got over it quickly” … how do you know that?

I spent a year after my first MC wishing I had somehow made it to term and died instead. I could barely look my pregnant friend in the eye without wanting to burst into tears, not out of being bitter but just sad that it wasn’t me too. I developed anxiety, OCD and had panics attacks

on the outside I had a successful career, went on exotic holidays, got married… my friend that didn’t know what I was going through told me I was “living my best life” and she was jealous. All I could think was if only she knew

YABVU to be so dismissive of how significant an event this may have been for your friend

OP has explained that ‘got over it very quickly’ was the friend’s own words.

And where has OP said she encouraged her friend that she had a miscarriage because she’s ‘too heavy’?

This place gets worse with people making up things OP hasn’t said.

OP has explained that ‘got over it very quickly’ was the friend’s own words.

Oh yes, because people going through hell never say “I’m fine” when they don’t really want to talk about it

This thing for me is that I don’t really understand how friendship dynamics like this happen.

There is no way I’d have let that comment go and I’d have dealt with it there and then.

Then I wouldn’t feel like I’d let something go which is bothering me.

No her remark wasn’t petty. It was vicious and vile.

You are a better person than me, I would have comeback with ‘well you would know’.

Distance yourself.

Your friend didn't have the right to make that comment but she was frighten and maybe a bit scared for you too? I think if you are a good friend they and show her a bit of grace and hopefully you can mend the friendship and your babies can still grow together xx

So why berate OP for quoting the friend’s own words?

OP is not responsible for people choosing their own words.

The people blaming OP shows how much toxicity is normalised in female friendships.

Right... so some posters are telling op to accept her 'friend' being shitty and horrible to her because of her circumstances and friends justified and correct in telling op her pregnancy may also end in miscarriage, so don't get too happy, but friend must also be treated oh so kindly?
@Dollydaydreeam am sorry but this person is not a good friend just now.

She doesn't sound
very nice. I would distance.

"She was upset but she got over it quickly"

She didn't. Understandably.

Putting yourself in someone else's shoes clearly isn't your strong point.

I’m not saying the friend is completely in the right (they both sound like shitty friends tbh but MC/pregnancy can make people act out of character)

but I don’t think it’s unhealthy to acknowledge that many people say “I’m ok” when they aren’t and it shouldn’t always be taken at face value after something significant

after my MCs I told people “oh I’m doing really well” and I was borderline suicidal so…