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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be just as petty as a friend was to me

123 replies

Dollydaydreeam · 10/09/2023 16:27

So im 7 montha pregnant. Told my friend when i found out at roughly 6 weeks, 2 weeks later she also found out she was pregnant. We were excited about being pregnant together and talked of how our children would grow up together etc etc. However she lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks, she is a heavier woman and shes put it down to that. She was upset but she got over it quickly, vowed to look after her health a bit more then try again. Ive been very careful not to rub my pregnancy in her face and just mindful of how she might feel around me. We were out for dinner to celebrate finding out the gender, im not a fan of gender reveals so kept it simple. I invited her but told her i would understand completely if she wanted to sit this out. She came along and everyone was in great spirits. Someone done a toast for me, wishing a happy healthy baby etc as toasts go. After the toast she snarkily said "well something could still go wrong, you havent given birth yet!" i just shrugged and said very true but im trying not to think about stuff like that, im suprised i didnt snap but i was quite taken aback by how brazen it was. I could even see her staring from the corner of my eye, waiting for a reaction. To be honest it did piss me off but i thought ok well shes very hurt and this couldnt have been easy for her etc. We arranged to meet up a few times after this, and she lets me down on the day. Sometimes when im in the car on the way. I decided that i was just going to put this friendship on the back burner for a while as i could just sense a lot of resentment and she was messing me about. Heavily pregnant and getting ready to meet friends that let you down last minute is just physically and mentally exhausting etc. Anyway fast forward to the present day, shes found out shes pregnant again, im so happy for her. But every day shes texting me for reassurance. Shes doing pregnancy tests daily, if the line is fainter than a previous day she has a full blown melt down and i have to pick up the peices. I've also told her not to stress herself out with daily testing, one positive pregnancy test is more than enough and to just wait for the early scan shes booked in. Im a tad annoyed at the whole thing, i can see why shes worried as shes lost a pregnancy once. But i cant help but think pfft, i was basically told by her anything can go wrong at any time until the baby is born! Yet im supposed to say no everything will be okay?! Would you say something like this the next time she needs a shoulder to cry on, or would that make me a total asshole?

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 04:03

No, she is grieving and unpredictable, you are not.
Look up a support group for pregnancy loss and give her the phone numbers and pamphlets.
She needs focussed and proffessional support.

Back off a bit until you have heard that she has had her child.

Legale · 11/09/2023 05:01

You really are getting a bashing because you're not doing what others would do during pregnancy. Some very bizarre replies.

I dislike gender reveals and actively avoid baby showers, but it's your pregnancy. You wanted a meal for the gender reveal and people were happy to come? Okay, that's fine.
Why should OP have not bothered if that's what she wanted? She would 100% be getting bashed if she excluded her friend too. I can imagine the hurt if she went for dinner, friend inevitably finds out, and OP has to somehow awkwardly explain "I made the decision for you because you lost your baby and I thought it was inappropriate".

I think people are enjoying sticking the boot in too much to acknowledge you've read comments and agree saying a similar hurtful comment is wrong. You were talking out of hurt and frustration, but you didn't do it.
What your friend said was unnecessarily nasty and clearly said to upset you, given her watching for a reaction. Yes we know why she said it, however it isn't automatically your place to now suddenly be there for her all the time now she has decided to stop ditching you last minute. It is perfectly okay to take a huge step back from the friendship, either for a break or indefinitely.

justanothermanicmonday1 · 11/09/2023 05:20

Peacendkindness · 10/09/2023 16:31

I think she was massively hurtful and I would step back a bit. Gentle reassurance but step back. You have yourself and your health to think of.

I agree!

widowtwankywashroom · 11/09/2023 06:28

A meal to celebrate the baby's gender, really, I have heard it all! What exactly are you celebrating? You're having either a boy or a girl - not a friggin unicorn - what is there to celebrate?

Terryscombover · 11/09/2023 06:47

Godness Op people really don't RTT!!

I've seen grieving woman devastate pregnancy's of friends. Whilst, having been there myself, some excuse this nastiness but I find it selfish. Of course you can say you're struggling but blanking, ignoring and cutting comments are just awful.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 11/09/2023 07:16

widowtwankywashroom · 11/09/2023 06:28

A meal to celebrate the baby's gender, really, I have heard it all! What exactly are you celebrating? You're having either a boy or a girl - not a friggin unicorn - what is there to celebrate?

That her baby is due soon like many do..
Really! I hope you don't celebrate any life events like birthdays or anything?
Bloody hell this thread has really brought out the nasty posters!

FedUpMumof10YO · 11/09/2023 07:50

Two wrongs don't make a right. Or so they say.

Take a step back and focus on your baby.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 11/09/2023 13:18

Grow up and be the bigger woman. I can't believe you're even thinking that. She's already lost one baby. You have interpreted what she has said that she is wants you to lose your baby. I think it might be that she is a very anxious person (clearly from what you've said) and that's how she thinks about pregnancy as a risky time.

And just because someone appears to get over a loss quickly, doesn't mean that they have. Some people just know their friends don't want to hear it and suffer privately.

By all means, take a step back from the friendship if you find it difficult being around her, but don't rub salt in the wound of a mother who has already lost a baby.

TinyTear · 11/09/2023 14:11
  • 7 months isn't 'heavily pregnant' - wait for 9 months
  • miscarriages aren't caused by weight - i have 2 children and been pregnant 7 times. i have met people of all shapes and sizes who miscarried
  • Gender reveal? I think you mean sex (and why have a party / dinner etc?)
  • you 'think' she got over it quickly, she might have just learned to disguise it quickly

I think your friend did well to go to the dinner, her comment was a bit out of order but i would think she had a drink and just blurted it out

@GiraffeLaSophie you don't understand the abject fear of a second pregnancy and potential for miscarriage and then a third and so on...

Don't even try... if you don't want to be friends just give it a break

MichelleScarn · 11/09/2023 14:20

Bloody hell, are some posters having a private competition to see who can be most belittling and nasty to the op.
In no shape or form should anyone think saying well something could still go wrong, you havent given birth yet!" has any meaning behind it other than to hurt.
All the faux surprised 'why are you having a special dinner, you're only pregnant' are just ridiculous.
And having a go at the op and that she must prioritise her 'friend' is also ridiculous!

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 11/09/2023 14:26

Tinytear, your reply was very nasty and patronising.

She can call it gender reveal and she can call 7 months heavily pregnant. Why come on a forum to be so horrible I just don't get it.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 11/09/2023 14:38

Your friend lashed out as she was deeply upset and is frightened. If you behave the same way it will be purely out of spite and for revenge. We all act out when hurt and afraid, but purposefully going out for revenge is awful behaviour.

Uptheredontcare · 11/09/2023 17:07

Another mumsnet thread where the 'YABU' vote allows a load of entitled keyboard warriors to gather around and bully the OP. 7 months pregnant and you all think this is acceptable? Sure she had bad judgement that's why she asked the question, she then decided she was going to listen to everyone and not do what she originally wanted and shes STILL hounded. And so what if she wants a quiet gender reveal meal, a lot of you must be middle aged and living under a rock if you've never seen these huge over the top reveals people do nowadays! Bunch of miserable sods the lot of you

GiraffeLaSophie · 11/09/2023 17:28

@TinyTear I’m afraid I don’t understand your comment or why you’ve tagged me.

Hummingbird89 · 11/09/2023 17:36

Your friends behaviour towards you was fucking disgusting. I would have addressed it at the time and pulled her up in front of everyone.
YANBU to feel the way you do, but don’t lower yourself to her level. Take a massive step back, and I would tell her exactly why.

Hummingbird89 · 11/09/2023 17:37

Come off it. Having a miscarriage isn’t nice to go through but it’s absolutely no excuse to make a vile comment like that.

TinyTear · 11/09/2023 17:46

Apologies to @GiraffeLaSophie as it was a mistake tag... (wasn't meant)

Legale · 11/09/2023 17:52

Completely agree @Uptheredontcare, absolutely no recognition that the friend's comment to a pregnant lady was nasty and done to get a reaction, whereas OP didn't actually say anything in retaliation.
Also the petty comments like "I think you meant sex". No, she meant gender.

The bullying and petty pulling apart of a heavily (yep) pregnant woman on here is vile.

Honeyroar · 11/09/2023 17:59

Cosmosforbreakfast · 10/09/2023 16:39

She made that comment after having a miscarriage and watching you having a successful pregnancy. It wasn't a nice thing to say, it was out of order but she was obviously hurting and bitter when she said it.

There is no reason for you to be petty. You don't need to lower yourself to snarky remarks like that. Just stop responding every single time. Next time she messages just tell her to let you know how she gets on when she has her scan. Then don't reply to any more. Let what she said go.

This. And she made the comment at a meal out to celebrate your pregnancy’s progression. It must have been so hard for her. And she said it partly because she’s been taught the hard way that not all pregnancies go smoothly. That’s the same reason she’s stressed about her new pregnancy. She’s worried. Give her a bit of slack if you care for her as a friend.

billy1966 · 11/09/2023 18:00

Merryoldgoat · 10/09/2023 18:44

Loads of people go through shit.

My mum died when I was a teenager. I didn’t go round telling my friends ‘well she might not make it’ when we went shopping for birthday presents.

We can be hurt and refrain from being a twat.

I really agree with this.

Many people have miscarriages and refrain from having a cut at their friends.

Has she that side to her or is the first time you have ever seen a hint of this?

I certainly wouldn't reply in kind but if you see this as part of a pattern with her, I would be down grading the friendship to a more casual one.

I simply don't want to be close friends with people who when hurt need to be nasty to others.

Her remark was not nice.

You don't need to end the friendship but I certainly would downgrade it.

Lastchancechica · 11/09/2023 18:05

You need to be the bigger person. I wouldn’t be spending hours on the phone to anyone tbh regardless of the reason, so that should slow down but otherwise YABU.

MyHornCanPierceTheSky · 11/09/2023 19:00

Honeyroar · 11/09/2023 17:59

This. And she made the comment at a meal out to celebrate your pregnancy’s progression. It must have been so hard for her. And she said it partly because she’s been taught the hard way that not all pregnancies go smoothly. That’s the same reason she’s stressed about her new pregnancy. She’s worried. Give her a bit of slack if you care for her as a friend.

That she chose to do it at ops every makes it more calculated and nasty basically 'why are you celebrating? Your baby might not live' fucking horrible. Oh but op must be kind of course to the 'friend'.

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 12/09/2023 13:28

Sorry OP - reread my post that was harsh and written when I was hormonal and upset about something myself.

To be clear what your friend said was very thoughtless at best and mean at worst. I do understand it was hurtful but given what she has been through, not sure responding in kind will make you feel any better. Perhaps just confront her about what she said, how it made you feel and see how she responds. It might clear the air. If not, distance/space would be the way I would go with this friendship.

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