To be just as petty as a friend was to me

[Dollydaydreeam]

So im 7 montha pregnant. Told my friend when i found out at roughly 6 weeks, 2 weeks later she also found out she was pregnant. We were excited about being pregnant together and talked of how our children would grow up together etc etc. However she lost the pregnancy at 6 weeks, she is a heavier woman and shes put it down to that. She was upset but she got over it quickly, vowed to look after her health a bit more then try again. Ive been very careful not to rub my pregnancy in her face and just mindful of how she might feel around me. We were out for dinner to celebrate finding out the gender, im not a fan of gender reveals so kept it simple. I invited her but told her i would understand completely if she wanted to sit this out. She came along and everyone was in great spirits. Someone done a toast for me, wishing a happy healthy baby etc as toasts go. After the toast she snarkily said "well something could still go wrong, you havent given birth yet!" i just shrugged and said very true but im trying not to think about stuff like that, im suprised i didnt snap but i was quite taken aback by how brazen it was. I could even see her staring from the corner of my eye, waiting for a reaction. To be honest it did piss me off but i thought ok well shes very hurt and this couldnt have been easy for her etc. We arranged to meet up a few times after this, and she lets me down on the day. Sometimes when im in the car on the way. I decided that i was just going to put this friendship on the back burner for a while as i could just sense a lot of resentment and she was messing me about. Heavily pregnant and getting ready to meet friends that let you down last minute is just physically and mentally exhausting etc. Anyway fast forward to the present day, shes found out shes pregnant again, im so happy for her. But every day shes texting me for reassurance. Shes doing pregnancy tests daily, if the line is fainter than a previous day she has a full blown melt down and i have to pick up the peices. I've also told her not to stress herself out with daily testing, one positive pregnancy test is more than enough and to just wait for the early scan shes booked in. Im a tad annoyed at the whole thing, i can see why shes worried as shes lost a pregnancy once. But i cant help but think pfft, i was basically told by her anything can go wrong at any time until the baby is born! Yet im supposed to say no everything will be okay?! Would you say something like this the next time she needs a shoulder to cry on, or would that make me a total asshole?

Loads of people go through shit.

My mum died when I was a teenager. I didn’t go round telling my friends ‘well she might not make it’ when we went shopping for birthday presents.

We can be hurt and refrain from being a twat.

Agree.

And the friend’s behaviour has got worse since the vicious comment, not better.

Thank you 'CherryMaDeara' for all your replies and having my back. It means a lot. I've acknowledged im in the wrong but its falling on deaf ears. I have never once said this is anything to do with her weight either, all her words. Maybe people are reading too quickly. A lot of posters are rallying around the friend as shes grieving a loss and I understand. But thank you to everyone who is also seeing my point as a heavily pregnant woman who is also aloud to experience emotions. Atleast im now going to keep my comments to myself. She may get a free pass as she was grieving as a lot of mentioned. I'm now getting berated for something I haven't and will not be saying as explained in my replies. To the person who told me to explain to her that I'm taking it each day, as things can still go wrong as she clearly pointed out..this is what I'm going to say. It's kindly reminding her that what she said really isn't okay as I am still hurting and I can't enjoy my pregnancy cause I'm worrying too

I've been pregnant nine times and have three children.

Her comment was horrible - her pain getting the better of her, but still inexcusable.

You, OP, have not been as low-key about your pregnancy as you think you have been (going out for dinner to celebrate finding out the sex?) and why mention her weight here on this thread if she, not you, attributed her mc to it? There's something here about miscarriages and 'fault' that I'm not liking.

I think you're not good for each other right now.

I think she might be a good friend to have in the future once you both have your babies, but I don’t think you need to be the shoulder for her to cry on with every pregnancy worry she has. She really needs her own support system, including contacting her own GP for help.

She sounds horrible. Stop replying to her constant messages, but don’t stoop to her level by saying something nasty about her pregnancy.

You, OP, have not been as low-key about your pregnancy as you think you have been (going out for dinner to celebrate finding out the sex?) and why mention her weight here on this thread if she, not you, attributed her mc to it? There's something here about miscarriages and 'fault' that I'm not liking.

agree with all of these points

the inviting her to dinner to celebrate the sex thing is weird

yes it can be frustrating to feel like you have to dial down your excitement about the pregnancy on behalf of a friend, but there will be so many other people to make a big deal of the pregnancy with… your friend that should be having a baby the same time as you is not one of them

All those enjoying being nasty to the op in their condescending way while pretending to be championing her nasty friend, do you think it makes you sound righteous?

You, OP, have not been as low-key about your pregnancy as you think you have been (going out for dinner to celebrate finding out the sex?) and why mention her weight here on this thread if she, not you, attributed her mc to it? There's something here about miscarriages and 'fault' that I'm not liking.

Why on earth shouldn't op have had a meal with friends? Sounds like a very normal for today 'baby shower' although if she hadn't invited this friend you'd probably be berating op for excluding her!

A lot of posters are rallying around the friend as shes grieving a loss and I understand. But thank you to everyone who is also seeing my point as a heavily pregnant woman who is also aloud to experience emotions.

I’m definitely not rallying around her. I think what she said was horrible. Pregnancy loss isn’t a green light to spitefully tell your pregnant friend, “something might go wrong yet (huh huh).”

Self preservation is completely different and we all need to look after ourselves. I’ve been through one loss and in those dark days I wanted the whole world to just leave me alone. One of my friends was almost 20 weeks pregnant when I was grieving, and I used to avoid her on the school run. It was a really horrible time.

But, my god. There is grief and looking after yourself, and there is grief and being bitter and twisted.

I'm sure it was terrible for her but that gives her no right to have said something so nasty. It took me so long to have my dd. Meanwhile my sister had 6 my cousin had 5 countless friends during that time also. Never would I have said something so vile

Tell her that what she said really hurt you and see what she says. You can’t cut off a good friend without telling them what their “crime” was - it’s awful to just leave someone in the dark and never give them closure.

You’ve described her comment as petty/bitter but she might not have meant it in that way at all!

Maybe she was being superstitious for you and just wanted to say it in a “knock on wood” type of way. Obviously a weird thing to do if so, but unless you’re brave enough to be open about how you received her comment you’ll never have the chance to heal and be friends.

By avoiding the conflict so far you’ve gotten yourself into this current mess of being resentful of her.

Just put on your big girl pants and explain how her comment affected you and see if she explains herself/apologises.

Then you can move forward and happily support her now like a good friend would.

Or if she shows no remorse for how she made you feel then you can move on from the friendship with the moral high ground of being mature about everything and at least giving her the benefit of the doubt/chance to repair things.

OP I'm glad you're recognised it would be cruel to stoop that low. That said i can see why you were taken back by her comment and how hard it is when heavily pregnant to be someone's crutch for this. Its fine to step back, sounds like she has other friends too who might be better equipped at this time to have the mental headspace to reassure her.

i can understand your perspectives @Dollydaydreeam but yes you would be a very big pickle for it

"She was upset but she got over it quickly,"

Yabu to think this was the case.

She's put herself out there - for you- to attend the gender reveal at massive, massive personal cost and on the day she couldn't handle the pain,grief, jealousy and disappointment. Since then she's been more aware of her limits and hasn't seen you maybe out of embarrassment and out of recognition that she's just not ready. Your pregnancy is a reminder to her of everything she lost.

She's now massively anxious during her pregnancy as anyone would be in her position and I think you need to be a bit more understanding of that. 12 weeks is a long and lonely and terrifying wait when you're not sure if you'll get the news you want at the end of it. So it makes perfect sense that she's doing a million tests. She's not going to stop feeling anxious until that wee baby is in her arms and expecting her to feel anything else is just unrealistic.

If you value the friendship, I would speak to her 1-1 and say listen, I need to tell you that i felt really hurt by the comment you made at the gender reveal- I fully understand that you have had a really difficult loss and I totally understand why you said what you did, but it still hurt me and I need to let you know that in order for me to close it off and move on and continue our friendship.

If it were me, understanding where she was at personally would be enough and I don't think I'd need to address it with her to forgive her and move on. I'd just be very thankful that roles weren't reversed and accept that even though she was hurtful she was doing her best at the time amidst a lot of pain. It never brings out the best in anyone.

I'd also encourage you to remember that while she's now pregnant again, it will not "undo" the loss she's already had and replace the child that in her mind should be growing up alongside yours. That will always be a bit hard for her and there will be times when you need to make space for that.

I'd cut her off. Not a friend.

TBH, I would understand your frustration at what she did,
The first time she messaged me looking for reassurance I would've reassured her out of kindness, but after that I'd have not been replying in a timely manner.
Long story short, I absolutely would not be close enough to someone after they'd done that to me, that they'd consider relying on me for reassurance or support.

I appreciate infertility and pregnancy losses, I've dealt with both, but you just don't say things like she did to you, especially during what was supposed to be a celebration.

You would be a massive AH if you did anything like that. Her words weren't great and they hurt. If you are her friend be kind. If you don't really want to be friends back off gently...but don't be cruel. She sounds very frightened.

Nothing to do with your question, but just curious, how is inviting everyone out for a celebratory meal 'keeping it simple'? Is that a thing now?

She shouldn't have gone to your meal. She wasn't ready and ended up saying something really unpleasant and stupid. yanbu to be mad about that.

However prior to my MC it was just a terribly sad thing that happened to other people. Then all of a sudden it happened to me and now I feel super anxious when anyone around me is pregnant in case they don't get their baby at the end because i now fully know that's a possibility. My best friend was 3 weeks ahead of me and of course she was super busy and happy and discussing her lovely growing bump but honestly it was a chore seeing her for a very long time. I sobbed in the car on the way home for months. I wouldn't say jealously because I didn't want her baby, I would say more grief that mine had died. If you need to take a step back for your own mental health then that is what is right for you. I really hope she gets a better outcome at her next scan and can have some peace of mind.

YABVU.

'She got over it quickly' - she didn't, of course she didn't! Look how anxious she is now she's pregnant again.

'She's a heavier woman so she's put it down to that'. It sounds like you're blaming her for her miscarriage, 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and it's usually a chromosome problem with the fetus.

The fact you're even contemplating saying something nasty and cruel I think you need to step back. Yes, what she said was wrong but it was obviously coming from a place of pain. I don't know why you invited her to your gender reveal anyway, how did you honestly think that would make her feel?

It's pretty obvious that you've never suffered a miscarriage and I hope you never do, they are painful and traumatic and no-one just gets over it quickly.

She's not been great to you no... but pointing out her baby might die after she already lost one is totally awful. You sound deeply insensitive here. I know it was an early loss but it can still devastate people. She should not have made that comment to you but you absolutely should not make it back because that's disgusting

This 100 times over.

My best friend and I were pregnant at the same time with our first baby after years of infertility for both of us. There were 2 weeks between our due dates. I'm so grateful that when I miscarried my friend treated me with kindness not rubbing my pregnancy in her face, a special gender reveal dinner would have cut me like a knife, I'd have probably gone because I'd have wanted to fake it but i know my friend would never have put me through something like that. I'm not saying the comment was ok but I'm not surprised after getting it all shoved in her face.

Who actually needs a 'special gender reveal dinner'? Totally self indulgent.

My friends and I have all had miscarriages and fertility issues so we don't do things like baby showers and gender reveals. We are also very sensitive about how we talk about pregnancies if we know other people are struggling.

Your friend shouldn't have said what she said I'm sure she regrets it. Although sadly what she said is factually true. You are totally within your rights to call her out on it. However it doesn't sound like you were very thoughtful or had much understanding of how painful her loss was. And it sounds like you are not being very nice now.

Are you even friends? Do you even like each other? If you do you need to be kind to her even if you need to set boundaries for your own sake. It's a really stressful time early pregnancy after loss.

Also HATE the idea that you both seem to believe it was her weight that caused the miscarriage. I thought we had moved on from blaming women for miscarriages! You should be telling her it's absolutely not her fault she is probably still blaming herself and thinks it might happen again if she's not at her target weight.

You're the arsehole here.

And why mention her weight? Overweight people do get pregnant and here she is pregnant again in the space of what? 7 months?

Do you just put her down? Do you even like her?

This is not a good friendship at the moment. I'd reduce contact for a while and focus on your own life then see what happens. It may be that once the babies are here that you become closer again or perhaps not..

This. She's a downer and a drain.

I'd be civil and polite if she reaches out, but otherwise stay at arm's length or further. Nothing salvageable with someone like that.