To wonder why the National Trust have addressed mail to my husband?

[GreenTreees]

I have just signed up for a joint National Trust membership. I entered my details first as the lead member. The subscription is coming out of my own bank account.

I have received a welcome email and temporary membership cards.

The email opens addressing my husband first: “Hello Mr Smith and Dr Smith.” His is the first name on the membership cards.

AIBU to be disgruntled that they have defaulted to male first, even when I’m the one paying the bills?!

(And they can’t even say that they’re following convention, because convention would be Dr first anyway!)

Humph.

I'm afraid that's par for the course.

I'm in the process of applying for a joint mortgage at the moment with my partner. We're not married.

I'm the one initiating the application. I'm paying three quarters of the deposit and I'm paying well over half of the monthly mortgage payments. I entered my details before his and its me who's led all conversation with the lender and broker. Still all correspondents is to Mr X XX and Ms Thepeopleversuswork with his name first in the pecking order. It's an absolute default. They can't help themselves.

I would expect better from the National Trust though.

National trust have always put me first - maybe because I never changed my surname?

When we got married, we converted my bank account to a joint account. The next statement was addressed only to my husband. I complained, and the next one was addressed only to me.

I’d cancel and tell them why. It shows all their attempts at deolonising their venues as bullshit window dressing they’re using to jump on a current bandwagon.

Shout out to HSBC who always address us as Dr and Mr Surname.

I generally go by Ms rather than Dr, but a in the heady days post PhD we put Dr and Mr Madonna on some forms for our previous mortgage company, who then started every statement with "Dear Mr Madonna and Sir/Madam".

The NT preserving the nations ancient customs?

Except for rainbow lanyard wearing, obv.

Insist that you both get independent letters.
If you split the bank may continue to write to the "lead" name as that will be hidden in the T&C and Mr Lead Name may be able to block you from changing that at a later stage.

Not saying your partner would be dishonest or you would not keep on top of things but if payments are missed or T&Cs changed you both should be informed as you both are liable for the whole loan.

Yeah I think because you have the same surname it's just a traditional thing? I have a different surname and mine comes first on joint letters i assumed because of alphabetical order?

Thanks for flagging this. This is interesting and alarming and I'll look into it.

We're tenants in common not joint tenants and I'm having a deed of trust drawn up. Shouldn't these override that?

MNer being told off for going with "ladies first"

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4888255-mrs-and-mr-smith?page=1

As it happens we don’t have the same surname.

DH is Mr Smith and I am Dr Jones-Smith!

It’s very tempting…

Oh my god, I could have written this!
I signed up and pay for joint.
I’m Dr Buzzard and Mr Buzzard yet they contact Mr Buzzard and Dr Buzzard. It irked me too.

They did this to my husband and I too. I called them out on it and got loads of apologies for it after they refused to speak to me on the phone as I wasn't the "main account holder". I was the one who set up the bloody account and paid from my own bank account, it was 7 years ago and still pisses me off, especially as it was a life membership we got so I had spoken to them in the phone to confirm the lifetime membership for us both! Everything is still addressed to him first 🙄

I never changed mine either.

Interesting of HSBC. I complained to them years ago (well First Direct) because the same was happening here. I was the lead applicant, partner wasn't interested, yet every correspondence had him up front. I wonder if they changed their policy?

National Trust, after years and years of happily using my initial on my membership card, suddenly tried to claim they didn't have it and that was why my new card had my husband's initial. I may have used the phrase "I'm not a chattel" when I phoned to complain - yes, I took my husband's surname when we married, decades ago now, but I refuse to be completely obliterated in his favour.

My Mum complained about that about 15 years ago.

She was particularly annoyed as she paid for the joint membership from her bank account yet the letters were addressed to her husband.

I complained to Nationwide about this; joint mortgage, I was the lead applicant as the person doing the mortgage and the higher earner, and yet they addressed only to my DH. I complained and got a token amount of compensation. I'm sure some will claim it "Karen" behaviour (yes I loathe the term) but it's this kind of ignorant behaviour that needs calling out. I deemed it sexist because of our sexes though don't know if that was the reason, but tbh would have complained still if the tables were reversed. Ultimately, their systems should be set up to address both applicants on a joint application.

This annoys me too, and I had the same with solicitors/mortgage lenders even though I was lead on all the forms and did all the communication. But until the majority of people stop seeing taking a man's surname at marriage as a harmless tradition this won't ever change.

I was expecting something similar when Mr Pony and I got our mortgage last year. I was the lead name on the application but I was fully expecting the bank to address everything to him by default. I can confirm that Barclays manage to send all our correspondence to Ms PonyPatter and Mr Totally Different Name , in that order.

If you have the same surname and it’s addressed to both of you the Mr comes first.

It might be more ‘woke’ to put the woman first but you would have a valid complaint if they put you first.

Would you like your pronouns on the membership card too?

@User3735 I feel that attitude is putting the problem back onto women, it's the organisations that need to change. It's not a difficult fix and clearly enough people are complaining.

So did I, about ten years. I set it all up, put my name first, and DH next, put both emails down, but we got Mr & Mrs emails sent to his address. I kicked off and emails now come to me - addressed to Dear DH first name. I’ve given up but know I shouldn’t.

PS we’re with HSBC too and my name is first - not sure whether that’s due to alphabetical order or the fact that I had my own account with them before we set up the joint and DH banks elsewhere.