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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Year 7 journey to school - at risk?

110 replies

MrsGoldfish1980 · 10/09/2023 11:01

My son has just started secondary school. Having originally suggested he would take him to school, my ex is now stating that, on the days when he is at his house- our son will make a solo cycle and train journey. (Cycle on city roads, train, cycle again) I can see that in a few years, this would be beneficial for my son. However, I think he’s too little right now. He is small for his age physically, and finds organisation really tricky. I have asked that we wait until he’s a bit older. My ex is refusing to consider an alternative. I’ve offered to pick my son up on my way to work on one day - ex has refused. My ex will be driving out of the city when my son is making this journey. I will be at work. I am terrified of my son getting hit by a car or mugged as neither of us being able to help him because we are not near. I realise the risk is low, but the risks are there all the same. At primary, the school gave us a warning of fixed penalty notice because my son was late on days at his dads. His father relied on his new partner to drop my son AFTER her own children, which made my son late. What can I do? Where can I go for help?
I don’t understand why my ex doesn’t want to protect our son or consider a compromise. Can anyone suggest what I can do to prevent my child being sent on this journey?? I feel physically sick when I think of it and how I wouldn’t even know if he got into difficulty.

OP posts:
CecilyP · 11/09/2023 09:39

If you think that DS would be upset though I agree with discussing it with the school and also possibly the non-emergency or community police team.

Yes, definitely give the school the heads up so they know that your exes hairbrained scheme is the reason your DS might be late. As it didn’t work when DH was with him, it sounds doomed to failure?

Why can’t DH give him a lift to the station and he walk or get a bus the other end?

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 09:43

YANBU your ex sounds like an arsehole.

Could you tell your soon to leave his dads as normal and then pick him up from the train station or something instead?

I’m sure plenty of kids do this journey just fine but it’s a lot of a year 7 who’s only just started school.

Even if it was just for 6 months until he’s settled in at school.

Its also going to get dark early soon and if there’s an alternative I just don’t think it’s worth the risk.

Your ex sounds like the type that the more you ask, the less he’ll do it just to piss you off so I wouldn’t even discuss it with him.

Worst comes to worst I would tell him he can just see him on weekends for the next 6 months.
If he wants to go to court over it then so be it but at least you would have dragged it out long enough that you would have taken your son for a few weeks beforehand.

TizerorFizz · 11/09/2023 09:49

@MrsGoldfish1980 Go to court and get the contact days changed. Your DS deserves to be heard. Usually 5/14 days for dad is agreed and this cuts down school days. Have you gone along with 50/50 for the sake of it? Start talking to DS about what he wants and get a workable agreement. Don’t let ex bully you and DS.

Also as @Seeline says. Pick him up round the corner!!!

CecilyP · 11/09/2023 10:47

I’m sure plenty of kids do this journey just fine but it’s a lot of a year 7 who’s only just started school.

I doubt they do. While loads of kids take a train to school, hardly any would be taking a bike on board. It would be totally unmanageable for the train companies.

thinkfast · 11/09/2023 19:19

PinkRoses1245 · 11/09/2023 07:27

The train, fine - loads of year 7 do this. But it’s the combo and with the bike that sounds complicated- not being mugged (please don’t project this irrational fear on your child) but missing connections and moving the bike around

Depending on the areas involved being mugged might not be an irrational fear at all. Not sure why you think it's irrational.

Where I live (naice area of London close to some deprived areas) tween boys are easy targets for older muggers, especially for bikes and phones. Local schools and police often warn parents to be vigilant, as gangs of older boys can target several younger ones every day after school ends.

Original poster
MrsGoldfish1980 · 12/09/2023 20:57

I think I've been bullied into a lot of things and I wonder if you have a clearer idea on what I could argue for? Thanks for your support. You've inspired me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsGoldfish1980 · 12/09/2023 21:00

Thanks and yes. The area by the station is an area where younger kids have had phones taken off them or bikes. To add to the mix, I've been a secondary school teacher for 23 years so am very aware of the risks to and from school. That's part of the problem. My ex thinks I'm 'pulling rank' when actually I'm just basing concerns on previous experience.

OP posts:
Dramatic · 12/09/2023 21:04

MrsGoldfish1980 · 12/09/2023 21:00

Thanks and yes. The area by the station is an area where younger kids have had phones taken off them or bikes. To add to the mix, I've been a secondary school teacher for 23 years so am very aware of the risks to and from school. That's part of the problem. My ex thinks I'm 'pulling rank' when actually I'm just basing concerns on previous experience.

I think you are entirely justified in your concerns, I would be very unhappy with my year 7 child doing this journey.

Original poster
MrsGoldfish1980 · 12/09/2023 21:06

Thanks so much. You've absolutely read it well! My issue is that I run a secondary school department full time (never wanted to work full time but had to after ex didn't keep a job after birth of DS) in another part of the city. I have to be at work by about 8.10 / 8.15 Monday to Friday. I have proposed picking up DS at 6.30 so that he can have breakfast at my house and then walk to school as he does Thursday and Friday. Some people have asked: have I chosen the school to be near my house? It was a JOINT decision. The school is one of the best in the city and we are paying a much larger mortgage so that our children can attend. My DS's father snapped up the idea of our son attending this school. He intimated he would get him there. But has since switched on that. I never imagined he would go all out and send him off through the city alone.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 12/09/2023 21:35

6.30am pick up 3 days a week doesn’t sound feesible. Can he not stay with you during the week instead? Even if he goes to his dads straight from school a couple of days but to yours by bedtime.

ConfusedNoMore · 12/09/2023 21:42

Have you got a child arrangements order?.I'd apply to vary it asap if so. Get some legal advice.

I'm sorry for you. It's horrible..

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/09/2023 21:48

I do understand your feeling OP however our school and the 5 others we had visited prior to applying all said they expect children to be able to get to the school on their own from day one.
I’m in a city and children would travel anywhere between 5 mins on foot to an hour by public transport. I appreciate rurally it may be a different scenario.

if you’re really worried, perhaps organise a school run taxi if available in your area? Even if just for a term or two.

caban · 12/09/2023 21:54

I'd ask you DS if he would rather leave from your house on school mornings.

He could go to his dad after school on a Friday and come back to yours on Sunday evenings.

Gellhell · 12/09/2023 22:02

Is there a school bus. If it's just from yours, son stays with you school weekdays. He can go to his dad's weekends and holidays. Advocate for your son. This is too much too soon.

Lantyslee · 12/09/2023 22:03

What would your ex's response be if your DS said he doesn't want to do it? Does he listen to him? Could DS get a taxi to the station from ex's and walk at the other end?

Soapyspuds · 12/09/2023 22:17

A few of my friends got the train to school at year 7. Most of them got one train earlier than they really needed in case of delay.

PollyPut · 12/09/2023 22:19

I'm not sure whether you have a court arrangement.

But my understanding is that if you have a good reason for the DS to spend more time with you in term time, and he wants to for good reasons like travel to school and lack of disruption on school nights, then that should be acceptable

PollyPut · 12/09/2023 22:21

Also - is there a bus alternative? That might require fewer changes?

caban · 12/09/2023 22:26

Soapyspuds · 12/09/2023 22:17

A few of my friends got the train to school at year 7. Most of them got one train earlier than they really needed in case of delay.

That's not really a comparable journey though, is it?

CecilyP · 12/09/2023 22:27

Could DS get a taxi to the station from ex's and walk at the other end?

This might be a possible alternative.

Boomboom22 · 12/09/2023 22:30

If he won't drop him at school surely he can drop him at the station at least? Go to court though and vary the days.

CecilyP · 12/09/2023 22:30

Soapyspuds · 12/09/2023 22:17

A few of my friends got the train to school at year 7. Most of them got one train earlier than they really needed in case of delay.

It’s not the train journey. It’s taking the bike on the train and the cycle ride either end. OP are you sure taking the bike on the train is allowed that time in the morning?

Doyoumind · 12/09/2023 22:34

I would be beyond anxious if he were mine and making that journey. My ex sounds similar to yours. It's absolutely the kind of thing he would do - putting his foot down to go against your wishes and cause you stress without a care for the impact on your DS. If he's anything like my ex, he will be incapable of considering or accepting the potential dangers.

In your situation, I would absolutely be collecting your DS from a street near his dad's and would get a solicitor to send a letter stating your concerns and your DS's concerns. Are your arrangements court ordered?

Could you afford to pay for a taxi/uber if you can't fit it around your work day?

WillowCraft · 12/09/2023 22:36

PinkRoses1245 · 11/09/2023 07:27

The train, fine - loads of year 7 do this. But it’s the combo and with the bike that sounds complicated- not being mugged (please don’t project this irrational fear on your child) but missing connections and moving the bike around

Being mugged is not an irrational fear for a 12 year old alone on a bike in a city! Happens frequently. More often than being run over by far, although that would also worry me. Missing a train is a minor issue in comparison

blackbeardsballsack · 12/09/2023 22:55

My DS has also just started year 7 and there is absolutely no way on this earth that I would allow him to do a journey like that. I would actually prevent him from staying at his dad's house overnight on Sundays to Thursdays in your situation and let him take me to court if he wished to. It would be less effort for him to just take his kid to bloody school then go through court hearings.

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