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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Year 7 journey to school - at risk?

110 replies

MrsGoldfish1980 · 10/09/2023 11:01

My son has just started secondary school. Having originally suggested he would take him to school, my ex is now stating that, on the days when he is at his house- our son will make a solo cycle and train journey. (Cycle on city roads, train, cycle again) I can see that in a few years, this would be beneficial for my son. However, I think he’s too little right now. He is small for his age physically, and finds organisation really tricky. I have asked that we wait until he’s a bit older. My ex is refusing to consider an alternative. I’ve offered to pick my son up on my way to work on one day - ex has refused. My ex will be driving out of the city when my son is making this journey. I will be at work. I am terrified of my son getting hit by a car or mugged as neither of us being able to help him because we are not near. I realise the risk is low, but the risks are there all the same. At primary, the school gave us a warning of fixed penalty notice because my son was late on days at his dads. His father relied on his new partner to drop my son AFTER her own children, which made my son late. What can I do? Where can I go for help?
I don’t understand why my ex doesn’t want to protect our son or consider a compromise. Can anyone suggest what I can do to prevent my child being sent on this journey?? I feel physically sick when I think of it and how I wouldn’t even know if he got into difficulty.

OP posts:

SugarAndSpiceIsNice · 11/09/2023 07:25

Arrange with your son to pick him up from some place just outside his Dad's house. Once DS is out of his dad's house, his dad has no say on how DS makes his way to school. What a horrible person his dad is. If my son was scared, I would never force him to make the journey.

PinkRoses1245 · 11/09/2023 07:27

The train, fine - loads of year 7 do this. But it’s the combo and with the bike that sounds complicated- not being mugged (please don’t project this irrational fear on your child) but missing connections and moving the bike around

user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 07:29

Is there not an alternative?
The train seems fine.
Is there a bus from the train to the school? If so, can his father drop him to the Railway Station?
Can your son catch a lift with a fellow student or walk from the train station?
If I were you I would investigate further with the school.
I would also definately grab your bike and travel the route with your son a couple of times to see for yourself what he has to cope with.
What about bad weather days?
Is there a bus?
An Uber?

WandaWonder · 11/09/2023 07:31

MrsGoldfish1980 · 11/09/2023 06:37

Thank you. Unfortunately, bikes likely to be stolen if left at city stations. I’m wary of my son cycling solo on the roads nearby because we live in a big city and he’s small for his age. If his Dad sends him out like that, I won’t necessarily even know. I start work at 8am latest. I’m looking for advice about who could help me get a message through to ex.???

A solicitor?

user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 07:31

Will the school warn the ex about safety issues?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 11/09/2023 07:35

Can he get to school easily from your house?

If so, I'd ask DS if he would prefer to leave for school from this house each morning instead. He can always go to Dad's weekends and after school for a couple of hours if he likes.

Then, I'd email ex "Ds has decided that he would prefer to get to school each morning from my house. It's a simpler route, and requires less organisation at a time when he is completely new to this school and the routines which come with it. I will revisit it with him each half term, as he will likely end up feeling more confident with the travel from yours as he gets more settled into school. We can chat soon about what timings he will be available to come stay/visit you, and he knows that he cab go back to the old arrangement any time he likes - this is his choice"

Heronwatcher · 11/09/2023 07:38

I agree with you. No way that this is safe for an 11 year old and it looks pretty clear that he’s just been bullied in to it by your twat ex.

Honestly what was going through my head was just stop access on school days and he can see your DS at weekends on a Friday or in the evening. If he says he’s going to get lawyers involved you say fine, you’ll set out his frankly negligent plan for school transport as well as his failure to discuss/ facilitate alternatives and then see what a court thinks.

If you think that DS would be upset though I agree with discussing it with the school and also possibly the non-emergency or community police team. I also agree with saying to ex that he has to do it with your DS for a week and that whole week has to go perfectly, no lifts, missed trains, lateness etc. Only once they’ve done that can he go on his own, and only then once your DS has said he’s happy with it.

CupOfCoffeePlease · 11/09/2023 07:41

Are there no closer schools if jts a city?
Can you have him more days during the week?

jannier · 11/09/2023 07:46

minipie · 10/09/2023 13:36

Would a scooter be an option instead of a bike? Appreciate the journey would be longer.

Not sure his street cred would stand that ...you can't take e scooters and anything else is for little kids or skate parks

theworldiswarmingup · 11/09/2023 07:54

This is the same sort of journey DS did when he started school - and I remember how terrifying it was the first day! What worked for us was practising the journey a lot before he started - we did more practices than I had expected, and talked about how to manage different situations. We found a quiet route. He had all the safety gear obviously - high vis jacket, lights, helmet. For DS, it was a real step up in independence, having previously only walked to primary school with me. He ended up really enjoying the journey part of his day. He liked being on his bike, and he managed the train changes (and steps) with ease. It is tough to let them go - but I promise you, if you give him the tools to be safe and enjoy his independence, you will be helping him.

ell87 · 11/09/2023 07:58

Is there anyway you could talk to your sons school. They will want to safeguard him and might have a word with his dad. You can also just turn up, he cannot stop you from taking him to school.

3WildOnes · 11/09/2023 08:01

How far would it be to walk to the station and then walk to school?

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 11/09/2023 08:02

Did your Ex agree to the choice of school? I’m just asking as my Sister chose a school for her son that was easy to get to from her house, but a real pain from Ex DH’s house (DN also keen on this school) - Ex then spent the first couple of years in a strop because there was a school which was convenient for both houses which his friends kids went too - neither of them behaved well but is it worth just trying to understand what is making your ex behave like this so you can work out what would motivate him to find a better arrangement?

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 11/09/2023 08:02

ConfusedNoMore · 11/09/2023 08:04

Do you have a court ordered contact schedule? Is it 50/50.

Your ex sounds like mine. Controlling and a bully. Poor you and poor wee boy.

You can't change ex's mind or at least I doubt it. I would do the journey with your child. Check the timings. See how he manages.

Make sure Ds has a phone with a tracker on it (with your child's knowledge) so you can have some reassurance where he is.

Check the practical things about bikes as pp have suggested.

If it's completely undo able. I'd arrange to meet DS 5 mins up the road after ex has left. I'd get agreement from work and tell school of the issue if you think you may be late.

Ultimately, if this is not safe then I'd take it back to court and insist he doesn't have weekday overnights. My ex doesn't because he's a disorganised fuckwit.

WandaWonder · 11/09/2023 08:05

user1492757084 · 11/09/2023 07:31

Will the school warn the ex about safety issues?

Why would they? kids get to school all sorts of ways, sure this all does not sound ideal but I don't see how it is actually unsafe, unfair on the child yes

WildAlphabet · 11/09/2023 08:06

Is there an alternative bus route? Train/ bike whilst in a suit carrying a lot of stuff I’d struggle with as a fit 5’10 adult!

Ozmumofboys3 · 11/09/2023 08:11

Seems like your ex is using this as some sort of control against you as he knows how worried it's making you, awful man to use his child as a pawn like that.

I wouldn't be happy with the arrangement either, I suspect it won't be long before he's able to manage the journey though as like others say they grow up so quickly in year 7.

I doubt that the school won't want to get involved in the dispute, could you call Social services and try and speak to someone in safeguarding and express your concerns and see what they suggest?

Kittykittycat · 11/09/2023 08:15

I would just meet your son on the corner of the street and took him to school.

Redlarge · 11/09/2023 08:16

FabFitFifties · 10/09/2023 11:29

Contact days need to change. Your son is old enough to have his voice heard. I would not allow this. He is putting his need to exercise power and stress you out, over your son's needs. What an arse.

I agree x

ZadocPDederick · 11/09/2023 08:17

I think that if your ex isn't willing to take him to school, then contact days are going to have to change so that he is not there on schooldays. Suggest a change to every other weekend and half the holidays.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 11/09/2023 08:24

Sod that, tell ex if he insists on this plan that his child is not comfortable with then he can't stay there in school nights. Assuming your son would prefer that.

BudO · 11/09/2023 08:40

BlueBlubbaWhale · 11/09/2023 08:24

Sod that, tell ex if he insists on this plan that his child is not comfortable with then he can't stay there in school nights. Assuming your son would prefer that.

This, at 11 he has some say. The situation has now changed with the commute to the secondary from his Dad's, he is not comfortable cycling and getting on a train so no school nights at his Dad's. Sought out a way to see his Dad without this school commute.

Pottedpalm · 11/09/2023 08:52

@Heronwatcher has the best plan.

mumumumumummm · 11/09/2023 09:04

In answer to your last question, how to get a message through to your ex…..you can’t. Stop trying. You can’t control his mad ideas and attempts to bully you. You won’t make him see the light. So control what you can.

Either the secret pick up plan or DS stays at yours on school nights.

you don’t mention what contact is court ordered or agreed. What are DSs wishes?

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