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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I the arsehole?

121 replies

passionfruit7 · 09/09/2023 08:43

Last night me and my boyfriend went to an event. Whilst there, I found out some awful family news. I walked over to my boyfriend, who was sat at a table chatting, and asked him to come inside quickly. He simply said “I’m chatting” so I just said oh ok and walked away.
I told him later on and he said “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was serious”. I told him he could have asked, or said “are you ok” or even “in a minute”. I said his stance was rude. He apologised for this and he comforted me very much after the news.

Later on, we crash at our friends house after the event. We’re on an airbed in the front room. Their dog is in there snoring REALLY loud. After the night I had I just wanted to sleep and I became pretty distressed.
At first boyfriend comforted me and said “just try and sleep” and cuddled me, but after a few times of me commenting on how I couldn’t sleep, he said:

  • “what’s complaining going to do”
  • ”there’s nothing I can do” “what am I supposed to do” (taking it personally)
  • ”the only thing keeping me up is you, I can sleep through it”
  • “there’s nothing we can do so I’m just getting on with it and making the best of it”
  • i then said after the night I had, I just wanted comfort and he said I’m using that to weaponise him

i still feel really angry. Who is the arsehole here?

OP posts:
brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 09/09/2023 08:45

nothing worse than someone who can’t sleep banging on about not being able to sleep and thereby preventing you from going to sleep.

what did you expect him to do ?

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 09/09/2023 08:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

TedMullins · 09/09/2023 08:48

Yes it’s you, sorry

Kitkatfiend31 · 09/09/2023 08:49

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 09/09/2023 08:45

nothing worse than someone who can’t sleep banging on about not being able to sleep and thereby preventing you from going to sleep.

what did you expect him to do ?

This! He was unreasonable earlier but you needed to shut up and let him sleep. Nothing worse than both of you having no sleep but you still expecting him to have the energy to comfort you.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 09/09/2023 08:49

It's hot, he wanted to sleep and you kept wittering on at him about how you couldn't sleep - I can see why he got pissed off. I

It's not his fault you couldn't sleep, there was nothing he could do about it - but I also appreciate you had bad news earlier that day and probably wanted some comfort and reassurance.

I don't think either of your are wrong though - the middle of the night isn't a time to expect rational conversation.

Sheldoncoopersspot · 09/09/2023 08:49

If the news was that awful why didn't you go home? You carried on with your night so your boyfriend was doing the same with his night.

EVHead · 09/09/2023 08:51

It doesn’t sound like either of you had any ideas about what to do. I’m not clear what you wanted your boyfriend to do.

In his shoes I would have been annoyed too. You could have taken yourself off to another room - the kitchen? - and allowed him to sleep.

Why couldn’t you go home?

Appleontherocks · 09/09/2023 08:51

@AlexaCanYouHearMe

It was a dog snoring at their friend's house

@passionfruit7 it sounds like you had a stressful day but you were unreasonable. It happens. Move on

Thepeopleversuswork · 09/09/2023 08:51

I mean he doesn’t sound very emotionally intelligent but what on earth did you think you were going to achieve by banging on and on about not being able to sleep? What did you want him to do?

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 09/09/2023 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Mate, a DOG was snoring not the BF. They were crashing on an airbed at someone’s house.

Your suggestions make little sense and somehow blame a guy for what a dog was doing.

FOJN · 09/09/2023 08:52

It's impossible to know if he was unreasonable in the first instance, I think it depends on how you communicated your need to speak to him.

He did try to comfort you when you couldn't sleep but you kept telling him you couldn't sleep which he already knew so I'm not sure what else you expected him to do.

It doesn't sound as if either of you communicate particularly well and this is leading to tension.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 09/09/2023 08:52

Appleontherocks · 09/09/2023 08:51

@AlexaCanYouHearMe

It was a dog snoring at their friend's house

@passionfruit7 it sounds like you had a stressful day but you were unreasonable. It happens. Move on

Oh fucking hell! 😂 I missed that bit. Sorry @passionfruit7 ignore the majority of my post!!!

Anyway, I still think your partner was the one in the wrong!!!

Appleontherocks · 09/09/2023 08:53

@AlexaCanYouHearMe

So what should he have done about the dog?

C1N1C · 09/09/2023 08:55

YABU in both instances.

You come to him to talk and he said you are interrupting. You were. You then got upset because he assumed it was nothing serious. He's not a mind reader.

Later, he tries to comfort you, but as there's nothing he can do, he suggests trying to sleep it off. You keep talking, keeping him awake, and are now saying you just wanted comfort when it was made clear that night there was nothing he could do.

Sounds a but needy.

GoogleWhacked · 09/09/2023 08:58

But yeah, it's him - not you! Also, get separate bedrooms if possible. Sleeping in the same bedroom as a snorer is horrific
Pretty sure it was the dog that was snoring, but the BF.

If you showed/ told your BF that you were upset when you initially got the news then he was U to not come check up on you, but if you didn't how was he to know? He then apologised, which was the right thing to do once he found out.

Re the sleeping, I can see his point - he did his best but there was nothing to be done about the situation then as you were in someone else's house. If the news was so bad why did you stay out?

VeridicalVagabond · 09/09/2023 08:59

I don't actually think either of you were arseholes, just both tired and emotional and in an unfamiliar place, and really who is at their best in those circumstances?

It is annoying when someone goes on and on about the fact that they can't sleep, when you absolutely could sleep if they'd shut up. But you'd been through something awful and probably just wanted a cuddle, while he just wanted to sleep.

I'm sorry for whatever it was that happened in your family. I think you'll both be best off getting home, having a cuddle and accepting that sometimes arguments happen when things are a bit rough anyway. Competing over who was more of an arsehole isn't going to resolve this situation and isn't a healthy way to look at conflict in a relationship anyway.

Humidititties · 09/09/2023 08:59

YWBU, what did you expect him to do, if the news was that bad why didn't you just go home? Then you keep him awake by constantly moaning you couldn't sleep, I don't think he's done much wrong at all

Santanderfall · 09/09/2023 09:00

Sounds like it was mostly you.

He was a bit abrupt when you interrupted him but if you didn't say "can you come inside please, it's important" or similar I can see why he didn't jump up.

You are definitely the a-hole in the 2nd part.

WhoWants2Know · 09/09/2023 09:00

I probably would have done something with the dog, tbh. Let it out for a wee, give it a stroke to change its position... something like that

Changingplace · 09/09/2023 09:03

When you got the news and went to talk to him, if it’s was that important you could’ve said then - no this is actually really important can you come and talk to me.

He wasn’t to know what you’d been told, if you needed him communicate more clearly.

With the dog snoring, what did you want him to do? You were just keeping him awake too rather than letting him sleep or try to sleep yourself - couldn’t you have put the dog somewhere else?

bookflea · 09/09/2023 09:04

You’re the a-hole for keeping him awake. He was right. You sound very needy and should have just gone home.

TheAOEAztec · 09/09/2023 09:05

Yabu
"I am chatting"
"yes, I see sorry but something happened we need to talk"

Sleep yabu too

Your communication is just not right tbh. Says too little when it's important and something can be done, too much when nothing can be done. Sorry

gannett · 09/09/2023 09:06

The first incident was a non-event. Neither of you were at fault. You interrupted (understandable given your news), he was abrupt (a bit rude but also understandable), he apologised when he had all the info and comforted you. That was a misunderstanding cleared up nicely.

Second incident, you were very annoying. Yes it's awful being unable to sleep but constantly commenting on it out loud is just going to make it worse for everyone. Either try your best to get to sleep quietly or if that's impossible leave the room and let your partner get some sleep. He can't do anything about your inability to sleep.

WunWun · 09/09/2023 09:10

You are absolutely the arsehole. He's not a mind reader, why would he think I'm that second that he needed to ask you if you were okay? And he apologised so I have no idea whatsoever what your problem is.

The second thing... he comforted you! And then you went on and on... what the fuck DID you want him to do?!

WunWun · 09/09/2023 09:11

The first incident is pure attention seeking on your part. You should have told him something has happened, but instead you chose to cut off your nose to spite your face. Then had a go at him about it.