Was I the arsehole?

[passionfruit7]

Last night me and my boyfriend went to an event. Whilst there, I found out some awful family news. I walked over to my boyfriend, who was sat at a table chatting, and asked him to come inside quickly. He simply said “I’m chatting” so I just said oh ok and walked away.
I told him later on and he said “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was serious”. I told him he could have asked, or said “are you ok” or even “in a minute”. I said his stance was rude. He apologised for this and he comforted me very much after the news.

Later on, we crash at our friends house after the event. We’re on an airbed in the front room. Their dog is in there snoring REALLY loud. After the night I had I just wanted to sleep and I became pretty distressed.
At first boyfriend comforted me and said “just try and sleep” and cuddled me, but after a few times of me commenting on how I couldn’t sleep, he said:

• “what’s complaining going to do”
• ”there’s nothing I can do” “what am I supposed to do” (taking it personally)
• ”the only thing keeping me up is you, I can sleep through it”
• “there’s nothing we can do so I’m just getting on with it and making the best of it”
• i then said after the night I had, I just wanted comfort and he said I’m using that to weaponise him

i still feel really angry. Who is the arsehole here?

I wouldn't even really say he was unreasonable earlier. His conversation was interrupted to tell him to go inside quickly, as if he's psychic and knows it's an emergency or whatever. Then when he says he is chatting, he's just told 'okay' not 'please, I need to speak to you now. It's urgent'. How on Earth was he supposed to know? I would have had the same reaction.

I'm not sure what you expect from him. He apologised for not realising he had received bad news. I'm surprised you stayed out instead of getting a taxi home. He couldn't help you get to sleep. Were you resentful that he could have slept while you couldn't so decided to prevent him from sleeping?

I told him later on and he said “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was serious”. I told him he could have asked, or said “are you ok” or even “in a minute”. I said his stance was rude.

But why should he have asked? You asked him to come inside, he said he didn't want to interrupt his conversation, you said OK. It would be quite rude of him to break off a conversation to have a whole discussion with you unless it was urgent. All you needed to do was say something like "It's important" or "I've had bad news".

I think you’re both a bit unreasonable.

He wasn’t really to say he was chatting and you should have replied you have had some bad news (it sounds like he would then have left immediately). It probably wasn’t a good idea to carry on with the event and stay at the friend’s house after that news but, as you did, your boyfriend probably should have stayed up with you if you couldn’t sleep in the circs.

You were.

There was no reason for him to think there was any urgency, until you told him. At which point he was caring.

It clearly want a drop everything and go home issue, so his behaviour in the night was fine. Everything he said was perfectly logical and reasonable, and there was no purpose to you keeping him awake.

I'm sorry for your bad news. But he did nothing wrong.

I think you were unreasonable. Sorry.
You interrupted him but didn't communicate it was important. He's not a mind reader.
You then kept him awake moaning about the dog. What did you want him to do?
If the news was bad enough to make you feel so awful then you should have gone home.

The first example just seemed a bit like a tragic misunderstanding and I hope you’re okay. Neither is being unreasonable, but you could have told him it was important and sorry for interrupting their chat.

The second example you were being unreasonable - it’s not his fault the dog was snoring and keeping both of you up is just rather selfish on your part. Now you know for future that you won’t sleep there again.

“Come inside quickly” is very vague and comes across as rude. Something like “I need to speak to you urgently” or “can you come inside, something has happened” might have been more helpful and conveyed you weren’t just disrupting him but had good reason to do so.

As to the second part, wholly unreasonable. If you can’t sleep no one can?

You I'm afraid, but sorry for your bad news.

You I’m afraid.
In your OP you said both that you just wanted to sleep, and that you wanted comfort.
That wasn’t fair to throw the latter at him. You didn’t say, “I can’t get to sleep snd today’s news is upsetting me and could you please stay up with me and comfort me.” You just complained about the dog, over which he had no control.

Only you know whether you needed to be clearer in your interruption, or whether he’s rude and never makes time for you. I’m going to guess the former or you wouldn’t be with him.

I'm not sure how old you are, OP, but you do need to learn to soothe and calm yourself

Waking others because you're upset or can't sleep, is really selfish and childish

In the first scenario, it was up to you to tell him it was serious, not up to him to ask. So YABU.

As for the second scenario, it's actually cruel to prevent someone from sleeping. He tried comforting you, but there wasn't really anything he could do. I think your expectations there were a bit unrealistic.

You were, sorry.

How was he supposed to know you were going to tell him that you've just received bad news unless you specifically say so?

If you can't sleep, then you should have sorted a way to get home to be honest. Especially after receiving bad news. He could have offered this option to you, granted. But when someone is complaining constantly that they can't sleep - it's insufferable.

YABU what exactly did you want him to do about the fact you couldn’t sleep?

I'm afraid YABU. You should have made it clearer thar you had bad news. Just saying "Oh OK" and walking off seems to be playing the victim somewhat. He's not a mind reader. As soon as he realised it was bad news he apologised and comforted you.
If you were very upset about the news you should have ended the night and gone home. Instead the night continued and you slept at a friend's house. Ok, you wanted comfort. You could have asked for a cuddle and let him sleep. Instead you kept him awake by complaining that you couldn't sleep. What good did that do?

Absolutely YABU.

YABU

I’m surprised he stayed so calm with you to be honest.

Were you drunk?

You come across as very needy and hard work (hopefully alcohol is to blame).

You interrupted him whilst he was talking to other people which is very rude.
He wasn’t to know that you had received some bad news and you blaming him for this is awful behaviour.

You moaning about not being able to sleep and stopping him from sleeping would actually drive me mad.

Your friend was decent enough to let you stay over and your DP was trying to make the best out of the situation. There was literally nothing he could do about it and yet you were still moaning.

I take my sleep very seriously and I would honestly be rethinking my relationship if my DP kept me awake moaning because he couldn’t sleep as that’s not fair.

You should have just gone home but I imagine you wouldn’t have been happy if your DP didn’t come with you and you’d have also tried to blame him for that too.

I think YABU here. If you have something important to tell him, it’s on you to say that not for him to ask just because you’ve interrupted him.

The second situation - sorry but wfh was keeping him awake in a situation that wasn’t of his making about?
Im a light sleeper I would probably have been kept awake by a dog snoring but I would have got up, made a drink, played with my phone etc - I wouldn’t wake someone else up just to moan that I couldn’t sleep.

You didn't tell him that it was bad news and just assumed he would stop who he was taking to for what could have been anything. You also didn't go/say you had to go home so he wouldn't have known it was important.

It was no one's fault about the dog.

I'm sorry to hear you had distressing news OP. I think he's probably more in the wrong, but I don't think this thread will help you, as some people like to stick the boot in when you're down. Hope you're ok x

The DOG was snoring. Not the man.

As a PP said, can't really see either of you are being arseholes. Sounds like you're both tired, perhaps a bit emotionally drained and had some miscommunications - hardly a surprise on a night out.

I'd say this is not worth being uptight about.

This sums it up nicely for me I’m afraid. Sorry for your bad news but you’re being completely ridiculous, on all counts.

What did you expect him to do about the fact that you couldn't sleep? And did it occur to you that talking about the fact that you couldn't sleep wasn't going to help you sleep?

nothing worse than a partner not being able to sleep and making sure that you can’t sleep, either.

sorry about your bad news. I think you need to apologise to him as he apologised to you and then you can both move on.