Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I the arsehole?

121 replies

passionfruit7 · 09/09/2023 08:43

Last night me and my boyfriend went to an event. Whilst there, I found out some awful family news. I walked over to my boyfriend, who was sat at a table chatting, and asked him to come inside quickly. He simply said “I’m chatting” so I just said oh ok and walked away.
I told him later on and he said “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was serious”. I told him he could have asked, or said “are you ok” or even “in a minute”. I said his stance was rude. He apologised for this and he comforted me very much after the news.

Later on, we crash at our friends house after the event. We’re on an airbed in the front room. Their dog is in there snoring REALLY loud. After the night I had I just wanted to sleep and I became pretty distressed.
At first boyfriend comforted me and said “just try and sleep” and cuddled me, but after a few times of me commenting on how I couldn’t sleep, he said:

  • “what’s complaining going to do”
  • ”there’s nothing I can do” “what am I supposed to do” (taking it personally)
  • ”the only thing keeping me up is you, I can sleep through it”
  • “there’s nothing we can do so I’m just getting on with it and making the best of it”
  • i then said after the night I had, I just wanted comfort and he said I’m using that to weaponise him

i still feel really angry. Who is the arsehole here?

OP posts:
Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/09/2023 10:35

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2023 10:17

OP asked the boyfriend to come inside quickly and he was rude.

If I interrupted my husband by asking him to come inside quickly, he'd definitely know something was up and not effectively tell me to sod off.

Edited

This is your husband. You’ve been togther a while I assume? He’s got to know that if you said something like this, he’d need to respond as it would not be normal thing for you to say. The ey difference is it’s your husband

the op is talking about a BF. it doesn’t say how long they’ve known each other. It may be a matter of a few weeks or months. And even then it’s BF not partner, suggesting it’s not at the living togther stage. They’re still finding out about each other potentially. And, unlike your husband, does not have the ability to interpret “wife shorthand code” yet.

he seems actually pretty supportive for a boyfriend. Apologised when he realised. Tried to comfort. Yep, he did eventually loose his shit becuase he was becoming sleep deprived, and he was actually right. He is not her emotional regulator - he can only help her to do that herself and doing that in middle of night whilst being sleep deprived is never going to work.

HeatherMoores · 09/09/2023 10:37

at that point you should have got up, taken yourself somewhere else for an hour and distracted yourself

Or gently moved the dog to another room.

Janieforever · 09/09/2023 10:37

I’m sorry op, I also think it’s you. You could easily have said I’ve had some bad news can you come inside. Not explaining and just demanding he left who he was with was rude.

and then to keep banging on about not being able to sleep, then turning it into I just need comforting is very manipulative.

so yeah, it you.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/09/2023 10:38

HeatherMoores · 09/09/2023 10:37

at that point you should have got up, taken yourself somewhere else for an hour and distracted yourself

Or gently moved the dog to another room.

But I don’t think it was just the dog…wasn’t helping, but she’d got herself worked up by then about bf not making her feel better

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/09/2023 10:39

Neither of you are an arsehole however you were being unreasonable stopping him getting to sleep. I'd have probably said the same to you, sorry but you sound like a bit of a princess.

Janieforever · 09/09/2023 10:39

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/09/2023 10:38

But I don’t think it was just the dog…wasn’t helping, but she’d got herself worked up by then about bf not making her feel better

Show quote history

He comforted her a lot. Firstly she says he comforted her “very much” at the venue. Then he gave her multiple cuddles and comforted her in bed.

then she refused to let him sleep and when he started taking issue with her behaviour, which was totally understandable she demanded more comforting,

HeatherMoores · 09/09/2023 10:40

Appleofmyeye2023 · 09/09/2023 10:38

But I don’t think it was just the dog…wasn’t helping, but she’d got herself worked up by then about bf not making her feel better

Show quote history

Yes I agree, I’m just saying that as it could have been another potential element of the overall solution.

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/09/2023 10:42

Also, how bad was this news that's galvanised all this, or is it really an excuse to argue?

Flipbopboop · 09/09/2023 10:44

I don't think OP is coming back but she does seem over-dramatic. She wanted her bf to mind read and then was angry after when he didn't.
It was apparently so serious that she needed to talk straight away but not serious enough to forgo staying the night at the friend's.

It just sounds like OP was having a tantrum. The bf did what he could within reason and then was berated. What would the OP have wanted him to do? I think the bf should run a mile.

pictoosh · 09/09/2023 10:46

I might be completely off kilter saying this but I did wonder if OP is often a bit dramatic and in need of attention. I only say this because my dh would shift immediately on being told to come inside quickly. It would be out of character for me.
If OP is one of those people that makes a drama out of a crisis (and we all know they exist) her bf might be that bit less reactive. "I'm chatting" sounds rude but he may have been thinking, 'what now'. Iyswim?

That it later became about OP not being able to sleep and being offended that her bf wasn't staying awake to...I don't know...pay her attention, feeds into my theory. Which of course could be way off the mark.

Reminds me of a young colleague and the sort of disputes she has with her bf. Very eyerolly.

Flipbopboop · 09/09/2023 10:46

@threecupsofteaminimum not enough to leave the event or to not stay at a friend's house. Therefore not that immediate. It does seem like she was just out for drama.

Mariposista · 09/09/2023 10:47

You both sound about 19

threecupsofteaminimum · 09/09/2023 10:50

@Flipbopboop

Exactly.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 10:50

RamsesTheChub · 09/09/2023 10:13

@Chippy4me

I never said I expected him to do anything, I said I don't understand the criticism of someone wanting comfort overnight.

Sometimes, people just don't agree on things/situations - there was a time when grown ups used to be able to accept that.

But she didn’t want comfort, she wanted to sleep.

And as he said there was nothing he could do about it.

newwings · 09/09/2023 10:52

You are coming across to me as a grown brat. He wasn't a mind reader when you had your bad news, he apologised and comforted you.

Why didn't you just ask have you any ideas on what we can do about the snoring dog? As yeah moaning achieves fuck all, mentioning it once or twice yep I get you. But after that do something about it instead of whining like a child or expecting this man to rescue you in every situation.

goingtotown · 09/09/2023 10:56

passionfruit7 · 09/09/2023 08:43

Last night me and my boyfriend went to an event. Whilst there, I found out some awful family news. I walked over to my boyfriend, who was sat at a table chatting, and asked him to come inside quickly. He simply said “I’m chatting” so I just said oh ok and walked away.
I told him later on and he said “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know it was serious”. I told him he could have asked, or said “are you ok” or even “in a minute”. I said his stance was rude. He apologised for this and he comforted me very much after the news.

Later on, we crash at our friends house after the event. We’re on an airbed in the front room. Their dog is in there snoring REALLY loud. After the night I had I just wanted to sleep and I became pretty distressed.
At first boyfriend comforted me and said “just try and sleep” and cuddled me, but after a few times of me commenting on how I couldn’t sleep, he said:

  • “what’s complaining going to do”
  • ”there’s nothing I can do” “what am I supposed to do” (taking it personally)
  • ”the only thing keeping me up is you, I can sleep through it”
  • “there’s nothing we can do so I’m just getting on with it and making the best of it”
  • i then said after the night I had, I just wanted comfort and he said I’m using that to weaponise him

i still feel really angry. Who is the arsehole here?

You are. Your BF is very patient with you.

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2023 10:57

This is your husband. You’ve been togther a while I assume

No, it's not because of "wife shorthand code" (?!) I'd be equally pissed off if my boyfriend of a few weeks told me to go away when I was trying to get his attention. Saying to someone "Please can you quickly come inside for a minute" isn't unreasonable.

Only OP knows how they said it and how he responded. It doesn't look like they'll be back in any case so this is pointless.

TheAOEAztec · 09/09/2023 11:01

If I asked my DH to come inside quickly he would think I want to show him a frog which sneaked in or something....

We have words dor reason. People need to use them.
"i need to apeak with you, something serious hapoened" and similar. Not that hard

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/09/2023 11:09

He was the arsehole with the “I’m chatting” thing, especially if he said it in a dismissive “don’t interrupt me” put you in your place type of way rather than a “oh I’ll be there in a bit, can I just finish this story?” it must have been obvious from your face and body language that you had something important to tell him.

However if you have a habit of going up to him when he’s with friends chatting to take him aside to have his attention for yourself then that’s a different thing altogether. I have known people like this.

You were the arsehole about the dog. Why keep him awake just cos you couldn’t sleep? I would have refused to have the dog in with me in the first place, though, it’s wierd that your hosts thought that was an acceptable set up. Surely they said to you before you all went to bed “the snoring can be annoying so just put him in another room if it disturbs you”

I have to say, you do seem to stress the need to have him “comfort” you a fair bit. I mean, you’re not a child. With your bad news it’s fair enough that you’d want a hug and sympathy. But with thr dog’s snoring, why would you want comforting from that?!

Santanderfall · 09/09/2023 11:32

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2023 10:57

This is your husband. You’ve been togther a while I assume

No, it's not because of "wife shorthand code" (?!) I'd be equally pissed off if my boyfriend of a few weeks told me to go away when I was trying to get his attention. Saying to someone "Please can you quickly come inside for a minute" isn't unreasonable.

Only OP knows how they said it and how he responded. It doesn't look like they'll be back in any case so this is pointless.

But he had a grounds to think it wasn't important as when he said "I'm chatting", OP said "okay" and walked off.

RamsesTheChub · 09/09/2023 11:35

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 10:50

But she didn’t want comfort, she wanted to sleep.

And as he said there was nothing he could do about it.

Show quote history

I don't know what you're arguing about, I never said there was.

Redebs · 09/09/2023 11:37

The dog is the ahole.
Should have put it out of the room.

I'm sorry for your news x

RamsesTheChub · 09/09/2023 11:38

@Redebs

"The dog is the ahole"

😁😂

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 11:46

RamsesTheChub · 09/09/2023 11:35

I don't know what you're arguing about, I never said there was.

Edited
Show quote history

You said she wanted comfort at night and he was in the wrong for not giving it to her.

So I was just pointing out that she said she wanted to sleep at night, she wasn’t asking him for comfort.

Chippy4me · 09/09/2023 11:52

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2023 10:57

This is your husband. You’ve been togther a while I assume

No, it's not because of "wife shorthand code" (?!) I'd be equally pissed off if my boyfriend of a few weeks told me to go away when I was trying to get his attention. Saying to someone "Please can you quickly come inside for a minute" isn't unreasonable.

Only OP knows how they said it and how he responded. It doesn't look like they'll be back in any case so this is pointless.

So if you were in the middle of a conversation and your boyfriend asked you to come inside, you would immediately end your conversation and go inside?

As the OP said he didn’t realise it was anything bad, so probably thought she just wanted to show him something or she has form for needing attention.
As soon as he found out he was very sympathetic.

If it was an emergency then I would have interrupted my DPs conversation and if he said he’s just talking I would have said no it’s important as I need to leave.
But she stayed and then stayed at a friends house, so it wasn’t like it was something that needed sorting immediately and so her DP finishing his conversation and then speaking to her, was the best thing to do.