AIBU to ask if you are ‘good’ socially whether it comes naturally or you worked at it?

[User41]

So I’m someone who I think comes across a bit off and socially awkward. It’s something I’ve definitely worked on and continue to do so. But honestly Im fascinated by those people who seem to be genuinely charming. The type who are able to find common ground and keep a conversation going with anyone.

If that’s you please canI ask - is it natural and/or have you actively worked at your social skills?

And if so any tips? And also what’s it like to know people will just naturally gravitate towards you?

BTw I’m not looking to acquire Derren Brown levels of persuasion/charm (or at least not yet 😉). I suppose I’d just like to feel less flustered in everyday social situations.

Yeah- I think you’ve nailed it.

Yes, I said yes to everything and even now, I say yes to most things. I find most people interesting, tbh, once you get past the small talk. I know that is an unusual view on MN!

However, none of this appears to have worked for my DH, who is an extreme introvert and virtual recluse! Not that he can't mingle if he has to. He just doesn't want to.

@Timeforchange13 thanks, I’ve also being planning to try to observe people who seemed to do it well. I wish there were some videos I could watch!

I think everyone is interesting, at least to compatible people. If you don't show anything of yourself, how can your conversation partner find those areas of shared interest / common experience / matching sense of humor?

I would describe myself as someone who doesn't struggle making friends and I'm naturally sociable.
However - it doesn't mean that I'm cheerful or jolly all the time. I often remind myself to say hello to people when I can't be bothered.
Attributes that (I think) are helpful to being naturally sociable are:

• always give things a go. Even if it's just saying yes to a cup of tea.
• don't wait for someone else to make sociable plans. They might be shy. Be bold and invite new friends to things.
• be funny (I realise not everyone is - but a lot of popular women I know are hilarious).
• be honest and open.

This is one area where I can now see the benefit of what my parents did but I hated so chose not to do it.

Growing up my parents weren’t very sociable on a regular basis but would host parties (every New Year’s Day, for example) and we were expected to help host.

It started off small with taking coats upstairs, then handing round food, then greeting people at the door, etc. over a matter of years. Alongside, my mum would ‘teach’ us how to start a conversation - ask open ended questions - and keep it going - get them to talk about themselves - and the like.

My siblings and I come across as confident and competent in social settings (not all, we’re not robots). I’ll strike up conversation with anyone if I’m in the mood. (Which used to annoy/embarrass my children but not anymore…unless I’m complaining about something or airport security - got a real bee in my bonnet about that for some reason 🤷‍♀️)

All 3 of mine describe themselves as having social anxiety. And I’d agree with that being some of it (different reasons and different manifestations) but some of it is normal anxiousness because it’s a new experience. I wish I’d known now the benefit of that part of my upbringing but I only realised after seeing the difference in my own children as young adults.

@ManchesterGirl2 that’s actually a really lovely way to look at it and I’m going to try to remind myself of that in order to push myself to share more about me

That's really lovely Gatehouse77 ❤

My parents modelled getting anxious about hosting ("the house isn't nice enough" etc), and I now have to talk myself down from those thoughts whenever I host.

Yep. Sure fire way to perform well in interview / on a date / networking etc

I find it naturally quite easy, but I’ve also had a lot of practice. My parents involved us in social situations so we got used to talking to people and I’m naturally quite inquisitive about people. For example I quite like the school run and chatting to the other parents.

Asking questions is good but share things about yourself. I’ll mention I’m off to do something, for example:

are you off to Alice’s party tomorrow (knowing it’s a whole class invite)? Benji is really looking forward to it and I’m thrilled it’ll be over by 3pm as then I’ll be on the sofa with a g&t to watch the England match, are you planning to watch it?

It gives them a chance to respond, comment and ask questions. They also feel like they can share information because I am. Just questions can feel like an interrogation.

people generally like people who smile and aren’t perfect/trying to be perfect.

The key is to ask questions and listen to what they are saying. Like someone said earlier, people
Love talking about themselves without realising it.

I'm a natural at it and genuinely love talking to random people because absolutely everyone has at least one amazing story to tell if you can just work out how to get it out of them. I suppose I see it as a challenge. I can be best mates with someone for an hour and then might never ever see them again. My DH used to feel very socially awkward but had essentially learnt not to be by watching and copying me. I just smile and ask questions, listen to to answers, might add in some comments about how that fits with something I've done/thought and then ask more questions. Public speaking is my idea of fun. Interestingly for someone who loves interacting with people I hate having people over to my house and need that space to decompress.

I am often told that I am good socially, so I have to assume that I am. It’s not something that I’ve had to work at, but I would say that what makes me that way is that - when I meet new people, I usually like them and am interested in them. Maybe that comes over? In the interests of honesty, once I’ve known people for a while, I sometimes often find them annoying, but initial connections seem to go well. So I’m fab in a party situation, where I don’t know many people, but am fully aware that I could be a slight PITA in a longer term friendship group.

I have to work at it. I really struggle and think I come across really awkward and cringe a lot after social interactions. But I don't think anyone can tell, I think I just think I come across as awkward when to others they probably think I'm quite normal or maybe a bit shy.

I find asking people lots of questions about themselves and their families really help. I also worry about eye contact. Like am I making too much/not enough. And sometimes I'll notice I'm thinking about my eye contact, facial expressions and body language instead of actually listening to them. It's tiring.

I work hardddddd at it, especially for my career.

@Twilightstarbright thats really helpful to have an example. I’ve noticed that not many people seem to ask questions in return (or at least a sizeable chunk don’t). But this has made me realise I can just offer up information about myself instead without waiting for an opening

My mother taught us all social skills. It was harsh but essential parenting. We have done the same. Nothing is more valuable!

Well, if you’re bored by yourself, that’s going to translate into ‘Don’t bother about me, nothing to see here.’ Appreciate your own interestingness. What do you find interesting about other people whose company you enjoy? I think it also helps to be aware enough of the other person and their responses to be able to judge what’s going over well.

I think I am just naturally confident in social settings and pretty good at small talk, my parents were the same, sociable and outgoing and it always seemed very normal to me to meet new people, get chatting etc. I've always worked in hospitality and customer service too so that helps! My DS is the same, very confident, outgoing and charming.

But my absolute favourite thing to do is be completely alone and not have to talk or interact with anyone .

@MyFetch so appreciate your comment was probably rhetorical but in the interest of sharing more…. what I find interesting in other people is:

1. those who are open to trying new things
2. people who don’t mind talking about something a bit left field
3. People who are funny and
4. people who have integrity/strong values that they are confident enough to live by

So I suppose the point is to think about how I can cultivate or display those characteristics in myself so I can attract like minded people

I'm naturally good at it but in the opposite way from most posters on this thread I think.

I'm naturally gregarious and charismatic and naturally like talking about myself but have learned to rein it in over the years and be a better listener and more empathetic.

I think I get it from my dad who was a very extrovert, life and soul of the party type and was able to attract people to him like moths to a flame but not very good at showing interest in others so people over time would feel frustrated and unheard by him and come resentful. I was like this as a teenager/young adult: good at telling a story and attracting people's attention.

Over time I learned t the hard way that that's a good way to attract people to you initially but unless there's a bit of give and take it's hard to make connections with people and I learned to be a better listener and to read other people's cues better.

But I've always found socialising relatively easy and don't find social situations daunting. The older I get the more I realise this is useful and somewhat uncommon (particularly on Mumsnet where so many people seem to be introverted or struggle with social interactions).

But I slightly disagree that all you need to do is ask people lots of questions. It's true that being a good listener is a very good skill. But if someone appears to have nothing about them other than being a listener they come across as a bit of a people pleaser. There's a balance. You have to show interest in others and let them express themselves but if you just endlessly mirror others you appear a bit shallow and empty.

@User41

So I suppose the point is to think about how I can cultivate or display those characteristics in myself so I can attract like minded people

To answer this question: it doesn't sound like you need to cultivate these characteristics; it sounds as if you already have them. But you probably need to allow yourself to feel comfortable that other people can see them in you.

I find (both on here and IRL) a lot of people seem to be extremely self-conscious of their social interactions when there's no need to be. People will describe a very normal bit of mildly awkward chat with an acquaintance and say "OMG I cringed at myself/I wanted the ground to open up" etc.

When in fact to the observer this is a totally normal bit of human interaction which would have made no impression whatsoever on the other people.

IMHO people have a much higher threshold for awkwardness etc than others give the credit for. Everyone accepts that meeting people for the first time can be awkward and that someone might be lost for words for a bit when the introductions have dried up. It's really not a biggie and everyone's the same. But socially comfortable people will shrug this sort of thing off and plough on whereas more anxious people hugely overthink these things and stew over them afterwards.

The trick is just to stop yourself analysing and thinking about these things as far as you can. Get into the habit of cutting yourself off when you're cringing and tell your internal voice to get lost. Tell yourself it doesn't matter. Because it really doesn't. Unless you've run naked through a house party or urinated in a pot plant in the office in front of the boss, no one will really give this sort of thing any thought. People are too self-obsessed and preoccupied to give a shit so don't allow it any more headspace than it needs.

I'm shy and geeky and socially awkward inside. Easily embarassed, always say the wrong thing then metaphorically beat myself up over it. I'm 38 now and I've realised how easily I find it to strike up conversation with someone.
All I do is smile, ask them questions and add a little humour then conversation flows. You can chat to anyone that way. I do have to work at it as I'm introverted but my DD is a loud extraverted kid and this has made me get out of my comfort zone. It feels good, actually!

This.

I'm socially awkward but have learned to be really good at it. They key things I find are:
People love to feel heard. Show understanding of their feelings and experience. I'm good at hitting the nail on the head with this one, so it definitely makes people want to talk to me again.
People like it when you seem genuinely interested in them. Try to remember something they told you, such as going on holiday, being sick, project they are working on, something going on with their child. Then when you meet them again you can ask how the holiday was, how they are feeling now, how the project is coming along, how their child is going with whatever issue. Anything that seems important to them and lends itself to follow up.
Basically, make people feel like you care, are interested, and make them feel positive.

I also find this tends to attract needy people too, so you have to have good boundaries.