AIBU to ask if you are ‘good’ socially whether it comes naturally or you worked at it?

[User41]

So I’m someone who I think comes across a bit off and socially awkward. It’s something I’ve definitely worked on and continue to do so. But honestly Im fascinated by those people who seem to be genuinely charming. The type who are able to find common ground and keep a conversation going with anyone.

If that’s you please canI ask - is it natural and/or have you actively worked at your social skills?

And if so any tips? And also what’s it like to know people will just naturally gravitate towards you?

BTw I’m not looking to acquire Derren Brown levels of persuasion/charm (or at least not yet 😉). I suppose I’d just like to feel less flustered in everyday social situations.

Oh I absolutely had to work at it. I worked in hospitality and that is a sure fire way to get you conversing with a whole range of people and you learn quickly how to build a rapport.

It’s just faking confidence, asking questions and concentrating (without weirdly staring). And just enjoy talking to them (fake it if you have to!)

People love talking about themselves. Just keep asking questions and looking interested, and bingo.

That’s interesting thanks.

I’ve definitely worked at asking questions and listening skills. The bit I hate is when I have to talk about myself or make my own contribution. Which of course isn’t ideal as conversation should be give and take and not one person feeling like they’re doing all the work/talking. Perhaps that where I need to fake the confidence though

Definitely worked at it rather than being natural but after years of retail and call centre work when I was in my teens/20s I'm pretty good at it, but underneath I'm actually shy and looking forward to getting into a quiet room to recover!

I wouldnt say im the best but i am a lot better than i was.

I think confidence has a lot to do with it. Im more confident in myself now so i find it easier to talk to people, all because i feared being judged now because i dont really care i find it easier to converse

Many years ago i read ‘how to win friends and influence people’ and some of the points really helped me. A lot of it was to do with business approach but you can relate a lot of it to real life

and as others have said, most people generally love to talk about themselves, so if you’re ever stuck just ask them questions.

I always try to observe those i admire in social settings to see what they do.

and some people are just natural born charmers. Hate them (joke, i admire them lol)

I used to be quite shy and timid when I first started working. I started in a call centre, but I didn't gain much confidence until I applied for a Team Lead position. I had a great boss who coached me into giving presentation and threw me in the deep end with senior management and high level client calls.

I moved from there to an Investment Banking role which was absolutely horrible and basically reversed all my hard work with confidence and social skills.

I left recently and started a role around 6 months ago in Relationship Management where I have to do a LOT of client calls and internal stakeholder calls, maintain relationships in the work place and it has reignited my confidence levels. I love being able to have friendly chats with all types of people all day. My boss now asks me along to all his prospective client meetings that he would usually go to himself, and I am loving it.

In a job aspect, I remember someone telling me that you should never feel threatened or strange around someone very high level, as they all started on your level at some point.

I speak daily to CEO and directors, and it honestly doesn't bother me, and I have found they value friendly chit chat and rapport more so than someone acting strictly professional.

I've learnt how to be confident chatting to anyone from practice, but my 'natural' state is crippling shyness. It's like I have to consciously press the 'override' button and then I'm away. I've started reading the book 'How to talk to anyone' and it's really good. Simple things like making eye contact, smiling, being enthusiastic, asking questions, finding similarities - all of these things help to build rapport. Definitely hasn't come naturally to me, it's like I've learnt all these things one by one, and then had tons of practice through work.

Thanks all it’s giving me confidence that it can be a learned skill! I feel as though I’m coming to the game quite late as it’s only occurred to me in the last few years (mid thirties) that it’s something that could be studied and practised. I just thought you were either good socially or you weren’t!

@66rabbits thank you for the book recommendation, I’ll take a look at that

It comes naturally to me.

However as I've got older (and maybe the impact of covid lockdowns on my mental health) I find I can't really be bothered to engage socially beyond my close friends and family.

Since I started working with teenagers with learning difficulties 15 years ago my confidence in talking to people has soared. I have also had a lot of life experience, good and bad so am very good at empathy. I also have a gsoh (I think!) so have a good rapport with people. I used to be very shy but genuinely love finding out about people and their lives

I think I’d probably be said to be quite good socially as an adult.

I’ve had to work at it a lot. I agree with asking people questions and taking and interest. Also I just have to make myself relax a lot and be a lot calmer/ less manic than I am naturally

I've always been natural at this , however my Dad is also like this so I'm not sure if I've learnt it from him. You can drop me in any room and I will make conversation with anyone .

In my job I attend events as a guest quite a lot , and often hardly know anyone . Just this week I had to speak in front of 900 people and speak to people I didn't know. I absolutely love it and it is just my personality.

However I've not always been this confident. My job requires it . Speaking to people I don't know , pitching etc. So although I've always been a natural its took me time to build to this point.

My partner though is the complete opposite. I think smiling goes along way , and always have something in your back pocket you can talk about be that something on the news , or something that would of interest to people in that room/at that event etc.

it depends.. i mean i'm adhd/asd so i can swing between talking the hind leg off a donkey, and clamming up like i have no idea.. depends which has the reigns that day.

I have found the i'm much more sociable around the 'right' people. As a quirky child/teen i struggled, i did in my 20s too.

In my late 30s/40s i've found a social scene and friends where i'm comfortable, chatty, sociable and well liked, and its like a switch flicked.

I have totally worked at it. I'm a very charming individual now, extremely good at getting just about anyone to like me.

I was the most socially awkward child and teenager you can imagine.

I have an auntie to whom it comes as naturally as it does to anyone - she has amazing energy and has always been liked by all. One of her things is that she is very open minded and nice to everyone - she wouldn’t write anyone off as the “wrong” sort of person to talk to/ be friends with, which I think is the mistake some people make.

Even she, however, has lots of insecurities. They just don’t affect how she interacts with people or her personal magnetism iyswim

Yes I am. I worked hard to do it. I was very socially awkward as a teen and never really spoke to anyone except close friends. I would never answer out loud in a class etc.

I am now in a work environment where I work with many different permanent and visiting colleagues. I have to make phone calls, arrange visits, perform appraisals and go to big meetings. I am someone that is called to come and diffuse situations because I am ‘well liked’ by everyone and can turn on the charm. It took a long time. What I figured is that people LOVE talking about themselves and their achievements so I engage in conversation like that.

I do go home utterly exhausted most days though and can be very quiet with my partner. It’s like putting on an act.

I’m very good at it and can find common ground with everyone I chat with BUT I can’t stand up in a room full of people and talk to them all whilst they watch me.

Parties, one to ones, new acquaintances absolutely fine, public speaking absolutely not!

Comes naturally now but not sure it always did. I think I’m particularly good at mirroring which some people think is ingenious but I just see as part of the social dance you do to make friends and then once you’re friends you talk about proper stuff. I also really don’t mind small talk. Quite happy to chat about what a PITA the contra flow is or why has Tesco never got any broccoli.

This is what I do. If I need to make conversation with a new person I just make the conversation mostly about them.

I also accept that not every conversation is going to be life changing or exciting and sometimes you end up in a rather boring chat…

It's something I have regressed in over the years. I think it's a combination of age, menopause and ill health grinding me down. I just don't have the drive to be social like I used to, and I don't mask it very well, making me come across as pretty grumpy in social situations. I was fine in my 20s and 30s, but now it's like I'm rubbish as basic chit chat.

@illiterato thanks, ‘mirroring’is a new one to me. I can sort of guess what you mean but would you mind breaking it down for me or maybe giving a short example?

I’m just trying to glean as many tips and new approaches as I can really!

Should add I still hate drinks parties where you don’t know anyone and you have to try to sort of break into groups. They suck but I think everyone agrees about that. Trick is turn up late when everyone’s drunk and much looser.

So an example would be say I meet someone I like and we’re chatting at bus drop off and she says “right I must go to the gym. I haven’t been for weeks”, even if I’ve been every day for a year I don’t say that. Instead I say “ god, me too. It’s so hard to find the time though isn’t it?”. So it’s kind of “we are alike and also I understand you”. But it’s not like I think about saying it. It just comes out.

this seems 100% natural to me but I know some ND people do struggle with not seeing that as lying and not understanding why you wouldn’t just say “ I go every day”

I have a very dear friend who managed to alienate her entire NCT group because she just couldn’t understand that the right answer to “ how is he sleeping” was never “ amazing thanks. Straight through from birth” even if it’s true 🤣

Sorry- quoted wrong person!!