AIBU to ask if you are ‘good’ socially whether it comes naturally or you worked at it?

[User41]

So I’m someone who I think comes across a bit off and socially awkward. It’s something I’ve definitely worked on and continue to do so. But honestly Im fascinated by those people who seem to be genuinely charming. The type who are able to find common ground and keep a conversation going with anyone.

If that’s you please canI ask - is it natural and/or have you actively worked at your social skills?

And if so any tips? And also what’s it like to know people will just naturally gravitate towards you?

BTw I’m not looking to acquire Derren Brown levels of persuasion/charm (or at least not yet 😉). I suppose I’d just like to feel less flustered in everyday social situations.

This is me. It comes naturally and I have a lot of good friends, genuine connections with cousins etc and I "joke" that one of my hobbies is talking to strangers.

This!

Illiterato, that's interesting, I would view that as being a compulsive liar, and if you did go to the gym every day, and I found that out later, I would mentally write you off as not to be trusted... Just a different perspective though.

@illiterato thank you, that’s really helpful. I too wouldn’t see an issue with that approach and can see how it shows empathy and could build rapport. The baby sleeping one is particularly useful as I come to start my first baby group Monday. Not that I have a sleeper to brag about… 😅

I’m naturally out-going & have a sunny, attractive persona.
I’ve been like this since I was a child. My son’s the same.

I can’t adapt to people / situations easily & have lived in different places, had different jobs & lots of boyfriends.

It’s not something I’ve had to work at. My job involves being around lots of people. I really enjoy my own company, too.

A friend once said that it must be hard keeping up the act of happiness all the time… It’s not an act. I know I’m very lucky!

I'm really good socially but it hasn't happened naturally. It's draining to be but I enjoy it in the moment

Working in customer service helped a lot, as did doing a team sport

It's something I have regressed in over the years.

Me too! I'm ok at it, get on fine with everyone snd am not socially awkward, but I'm definitely less sociable than I used to be. I'm a teacher, so I could stand up in front of a room full of people and talk for an hour, unprepared if necessary. But I find it much harder to make friends than I did when I was younger.

I've got better at it since I got older. When I was first working, I had a friend who was just brilliant at it - she said she just loved going to events where she knew no one and talking to them. I didn't feel the same!

I do really enjoy it now - everyone is interesting and I find it fun to meet new people. I have to attend lots of events and meetings now and do lots of speaking too. (I will never be a natural, witty, funny speaker but I do enjoy doing it ). As others have said there are tips to go into a room and talk to people. Some days I feel less outgoing than others.

I did read Viv Groskop's book - how to own the room -which I found helpful. I think she's done another book now.

I was incredibly shy and awkward as a child. With years of effort I appear confident socially now. It’s an act really. I over think conversations and worry I haven’t picked up on a vibe that everyone else has. I make friends easily but struggled with deeper connections to people. I strongly suspect I am autistic. I have a daughter with a diagnosis and so much made sense when reading up on it. I trained myself to make eye contact as I child, it felt really uncomfortable but I knew it was rude not to. I struggle with changes to social plans or not being warned when others are included I wasn’t expecting.

I can do presentations and talk confidently on work matters, am well liked at work. It feels like an act though.

Can adapt

I'm not sure if I'm "good" but I'm at least okay, confident in most situations and have a good friendship circle.

Its definitely something I've worked on. My parents were quite socially awkward, so I had to teach myself. I paid attention to what worked and didn't, socially. Analysed interactions a bit, without pushing it too hard. I also try to read widely, including mumsnet, which helps me understand different experiences from my own. I try to be aware of my more annoying traits and rein them in.

I don't think it works to completely go against your natural instincts, for example I know I'm typically a better fit with slightly geeky people, but you definitely can gain social skills by working on it.

I am an immigrant and have moved around a lot. Therefore I had to work at it. I used to have a bit of social anxiety when I was younger. Not pathological, just a bit. Then I emigrated. Had to get rid of that in a hurry!

I can do it all now: parties, one to one, public speaking. To be honest, I probably talk too much now.

The thing to remember is : absolutely nobody is thinking about you. They are thinking about their DC, their jobs, the CoL, why their husbands forgot their anniversaries etc etc.

I hate it and have no natural urge to do it or desire to work on it.

I have to be sociable for work sometimes and I fake it, plain and simple.

If we do something with my wife’s friends I fake it again and pray my discomfort doesn’t show too much.

I don’t buy the ‘just keep asking people about themselves’ thing for a minute, apart from in emergency situations where the other person is ghastly but you have to make chitchat for a finite period. Just asking people about themselves makes you forgettable.

You need to be interested in the people you’re talking to, sure, but you also need to be interested in yourself — what’s interesting about you?

I’m very good socially and it comes completely naturally. I’m an extrovert (I enjoy being around people - I’m not particularly loud or attention-seeking and I don’t enjoy being the centre of attention). I find being around people energising and I seem to know what to say to keep conversations going / put people at ease without much thought. The paradox of it is that I don’t really like people much and I get bored easily; I just find social situations very easy. My husband is the opposite!

I'm really good socially too - I'm naturally interested in people and it comes across. Used to be in sales too so talking & listening are key skills.

@MyFetch this is a really interesting perspective thank you. As I do feel pretty confident in my ability to listen/ask questions. But I hate talking about myself, often clam up and have a horrible fear that I’m actually a bit boring 😬.

Do you have any tips on making yourself a more interesting conversationalist?

I agree that a move abroad is like a social boot camp. I remember when I moved abroad and asking my best friend for tips ( she’s moved 4/5 times to different countries). She said “ remember they won’t ask twice . They’re probably just being polite. so if someone invites you somewhere, go. Even if you don’t like them you might like their friends”. Somewhat cynical but it works!

I’m good at it apparently. I never really knew I was but all my working life I’ve had feedback that I’m “charming” and a “natural with people” etc. Two points to make though - first, just like a Pp, I HATE public speaking and get very nervous even with a tiny audience, even though walking into a room of strangers and striking up conversation doesn’t really phase me (I know lots of people are the other way around); second, I definitely do what another pp said and ask lots of questions and basically constantly deflect!

I have to work at it. I’m naturally smiley which I think helps but really it’s about being interested in other people. If you are interested and empathetic you will be fine, I try to consciously remember things people have shared with me and I make a point of checking in on those I know have specific things going on. You won’t always get it right and not everyone is liked universally but as long as you have the right intentions it’ll usually be fine.

TheBeautifulTeapot

It comes naturally to me.
However as I've got older (and maybe the impact of covid lockdowns on my mental health) I find I can't really be bothered to engage socially beyond my close friends and family.

This is the same as me- I've always been massively outgoing and could talk to anyone about anything from a very young age.
I once accompanied someone to a wedding as a first date and spent most of the day socializing like i'd known them all for years, it was great fun!

I absolutely loathe workplace kitchen small talk though and avoid it like the plague!

I also find that as I'm getting older I have to be in the mood for it and am far less likely to want to socialize outside of my friends and family.

One thing I would say though is to try and find a balance of asking open ended questions and sharing stuff about yourself. You have to be interested in the other person but noone wants to feel like they're being interviewed.....so tell your own tales too.

I make myself sociable - I am an 'introverted extrovert' and internally very shy but I chose a job which is basically talking to people from all walks of life and ages day in day out! I deliver training, face to face support, attends professionals meetings and work in a small tight knit team. My friends would say I'm a social butterfly!

I find it exhausting and I almost have to adopt a 'personality' for being social quiet different from my 'alone' one.

I am aware that I talk waaaayyyyyy too much a lot of the time and always tell people I am fine with being told to shut up - it's part of my shyness!

I agree that saying yes to everything is key at first. (Or "I'm busy that night but how about thursday".)

I think it's not necessarily that people are just being polite. It's that inviting someone to something is a social risk that takes confidence. Many people, if knocked back the first time, will be wary of rejection or think you're not interested in their friendship, so won't ask again.

I'm naturally terrible at social things. I have had to study hard. Agree completely with mirroring, asking people questions about themselves, working in retail (even for a week 😆). I observe and copy the socially adept.

Open body language: don't stand with arms crossed when speaking to them.

Phrases: copy the topics and phrases others use to engage in social events. How was your weekend etc. Repeat names when you talk to someone so they know you are being specific to them

Smile: old fashioned advice but really works. Everyone responds better to a friendly face.

Curiosity: the biggie for me. Once I realised people's lives were interesting, and I was genuinely curious about what makes them tick etc I found it easy to engage. People love nothing more than when others find them genuinely interesting. I do too of course ☺️

I used to suffer hugely from social anxiety before it was really a thing I just assumed I was incredibly shy (which I was too) and would struggle to make conversation with people. I found watching confident people and almost imitating their body language and copying how they speak and act. This made a huge difference for me. I've finally come out of my shell and don't give a shit what people think