Not wanting people to stay with us mid-week

[NearlyMonday]

I have name changed for this.

AIBU to say ‘no’ to the increasing stream of relatives who want to stay with us mid-week? DP and I both work full time, and mid week guests are a pain. Its just that someone else is HERE, you can’t relax in the evening, you have to be in entertaining mode all the time, I can’t walk around in a t-shirt and knickers, and trying to be pleasant and chatty over cornflakes is hellish. Weekends are different and there’s no issue with having guests then. DP is very reluctant to say no to any of his relatives, who seem oblivious to the fact that we work. My relatives can be equally oblivious, but I just tell them to stick to weekends. But DP seems to think we always have to say yes to family.

Lols yes, I read another post from someone else saying they were a carer, but now I can see it wasn't you!

Apologies!!

Perhaps a conversation about boundaries / healthy boundaries and how stressed mid week visitors make you feel? If that’s unsuccessful - are you about to leave all the entertaining to him and just go off with a book to unwind?

Can't understand why they are coming midweek instead of weekend. Except the working brother of course - and I would think that's not too bad as he's also working.

But even if he’s working, he’s still with us evenings and early mornings, which brings me back to my initial comments about not walking round in my knickers, not wanting to entertain and not wanting to make small talk over my cornflakes!

I just can’t decide if my relatives’ needs for accommodation trumps my need for midweek peace and quiet. Half of me thinks they’re just CFs, half of me thinks I’m being unreasonable

Well, TBH I don't think most people walk around in their knickers in the morning so I don't have much sympathy for that.

Does he get allowance for accommodation and dinner with his work? If so perhaps he could treat you to dinner occasionally? Is he saving the rest towards his rent? Is he saving for a deposit and you're helping him out with the free accommodation?

I'm sure that if he's with you often then he won't mind you retiring with a book? Have a pile that he can choose from too...

It doesn't make you odd but it doesn't mean you get 100% veto either. One of the things about living with someone is you have to compromise. Presuming that it's his home too. So if he's doing the hosting then I guess fair would look like "less" midweek visits not none.

How often does this happen?

Agree.
What does your BIL do when he's in other parts of the country.? He must have the company to pay for accommodation?

In the early days of our own home, we had a friend who asked if they could stay mid-week... but once we'd said yes it was more and more difficult to say no. It was really disruptive and because they didn't have kids or any patience with them, they criticized my parenting all the time and I later found out that their company gave them a working away from home allowance - which they pocketed. It made me feel like a real mug.

As it is a BIL... could you have him to stay only if its a Friday night? But not a mid week. Plus its starting to be so regular that it gets increasingly annoying.

Your needs trump your relatives here. It is your house, you're working during the week.
Presumably they're coming for a little break too (other than the working brother) and could do that at the weekend if they don't want to pay for a holiday.

The next few times the working brother asks to "crash" I'd just politely but firmly say it isn't convenient this time and suggest that he books a hotel but you both (or just your dh) could meet for a drink (if that works for you). You just need to break the cycle there.

I think if it’s any kind of leisure it needs to wait for the weekend. If it’s a brother who’s working early once in six weeks it’s really mean to say they can’t stay

Working locally

I cannot imagine asking a sibling to book a hotel under those circumstances, assuming I had slave for them to sleep

I’m surprised you have any friends or family with how you opened this response, ‘what don’t you understand about..’ how aggressive, I suppose you’re only rude and abrasive to strangers behind a screen though. Everyone’s different, that’s the beauty of the world, we all don’t need to agree. I have heaps of friends and family right across the country, usually people will stay in a hotel, I think it’s fairly tight to stay with people but again, that’s just me.

I can't begin to imagine telling a brother to get an hotel under these circumstances!

And I don't understand "all the extra work" for a person staying over midweek. Surely it's one extra set of sheets to wash, and adding an extra portion to whatever's being cooked for dinner?

All of these people staying with OP should buy a fucking clue and realise she and DH don’t stay with them.

It’s fucking rude to continually invite yourself to stay with people who never ask to stay at yours.

It depends how often he, and other relatives are staying. When this happened to us it started off as once a month and then became once a week for over a year which was really disruptive. and they had a company allowance, they didn't want to use a bnb or hotel because they wanted to keep the allowance.

I doubt if anyone minds once in a while, but once you've gone along with it - it becomes harder to say not this time, even if the continuity and regularlity of it becomes intrusive after a while, which is why I suggested she offers to host on Fridays, but not mid-week.

She's not trying to ban the BIL from family visits or socialising, she's just asking to have her own space back mid week.

Where I work if you stay way from home you stay in a hotel and claim expenses. They don't give you an allowance which you then get to keep if you stay with family. Isn't that fraud?

Just say no it's not convenient. If Dh still okays it make it then don't go all out to be perfect hostess. Let it all hang out. No chat time just do your normal routine be fucking rude no food no chat piss off to bed early and they will get the message

I think that was aimed at me. If so, I apologise, it was rather rude and confrontational

However, surely you must realise that not all families live near each other?

I love my family, but they live several hours away and I love it when they visit. However, they don't visit regularly, nor do they visit midweek.

If DP insists on his brother or any other family coming to stay midweek, tell him you are doing nothing at all for the visits from now on. No cleaning, no making up the bed, no special meal, no extra shopping etc and he will have to do the hosting from now on for midweek guests.

The other alternative is that you tell DP that YOU will stay in a hotel each time there’s a mid week visitor from his family so that you can relax properly after work.

How much extra work does one adult overnight visitor make, for heaven's sake??

It means I can’t relax in the evening, it means having to cook properly instead of just grabbing some toast if either of us is rushing out again, it means having to be in entertaining mode all evening instead of just chilling out. And sometimes it’s more than one visitor

I get what you mean @NearlyMonday.

I guess you could sabotage the stay by doing beans on toast and just chilling out then they wouldn't choose to come during the week again (evil )