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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting people to stay with us mid-week

159 replies

NearlyMonday · 08/09/2023 09:56

I have name changed for this.

AIBU to say ‘no’ to the increasing stream of relatives who want to stay with us mid-week? DP and I both work full time, and mid week guests are a pain. Its just that someone else is HERE, you can’t relax in the evening, you have to be in entertaining mode all the time, I can’t walk around in a t-shirt and knickers, and trying to be pleasant and chatty over cornflakes is hellish. Weekends are different and there’s no issue with having guests then. DP is very reluctant to say no to any of his relatives, who seem oblivious to the fact that we work. My relatives can be equally oblivious, but I just tell them to stick to weekends. But DP seems to think we always have to say yes to family.

OP posts:
Original poster
NearlyMonday · 08/09/2023 16:43

I’m so grateful for all the replies, and must remember that saying ‘you’re welcome at the weekend’ is not the same as saying no. DP’s brother could prove a challenge though, his job takes him all over the country, and if he’s anywhere near us we get a ‘can I crash with you guys’ request. Which sounds very casual but it still means there’s an extra person in the house. Telling him to come at the weekend wouldn’t work because he only ever wants week-night accommodation.

OP posts:
PineappleDistributor · 08/09/2023 16:54

Assuming it's your house as much as his house, just say no. If they're decent people they'll understand.

Clymene · 08/09/2023 16:57

NearlyMonday · 08/09/2023 16:43

I’m so grateful for all the replies, and must remember that saying ‘you’re welcome at the weekend’ is not the same as saying no. DP’s brother could prove a challenge though, his job takes him all over the country, and if he’s anywhere near us we get a ‘can I crash with you guys’ request. Which sounds very casual but it still means there’s an extra person in the house. Telling him to come at the weekend wouldn’t work because he only ever wants week-night accommodation.

I've got an idea - he can book a hotel.

Parky04 · 08/09/2023 16:58

YANBU and I only read the heading! We hate people staying over, so we never invite anyone!

JST88 · 08/09/2023 22:45

But why are people wanting to stay at your house? Do you live far away from them? In a popular city? Just don’t get it, I’ve never asked to stay with anyone or had anyone stay over at my house

Kwasi · 08/09/2023 22:55

DH will never say no to his family, nor will he ever disagree with them. His sister, who I have never really got on with, invited me to some Moto GP thing in France for her hen do. I politely declined as I don’t have any interest (I also know she invited me out of guilt for not inviting me to her actual hen). DH said it was incredibly rude of me
for not agreeing to go.

Don’t even get me started on MIL. If she said the sky was yellow and I said it was blue, DH would take her side. He’s so anti-confrontational with his family it’s untrue.

Sparkleshine21 · 08/09/2023 23:05

I get up at six on weekdays in order to have time to walk the dog, cook brekkie and get to school/work on time. And I’m asleep by ten! It’s a carefully crafted routine and I don’t think I would be very welcoming to someone disrupting it! Weekends, fine. Weekdays with school and work, absolutely not.

BillAndBullseye · 08/09/2023 23:16

He pays for a hotel room for you for the duration of visits and he hosts

See how many visitors he accepts mid week after that

SamW98 · 08/09/2023 23:31

YANBU - the only time anyone ever stayed at mine midweek was my mum when my dad was in hospital in the town where I live.
And even then, she knew to stay in bed until we’d gone to work.

No way would anyone else stay here midweek unless it was similar circumstances.

GirlOfTudor · 09/09/2023 00:03

I agree with you too! Although I'd go as far as saying I don't want guests any time of the week 😂

Instead of saying no, you could explain that you aren't available during the week as you work. And they are welcome to stay at the weekend, but this mustn't overlap with any weekdays.

It does sound like they're using your home as holiday accommodation and not genuinely coming to see you, which takes the piss really.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 09/09/2023 00:38

If DP won’t tell them no, then you need to let him know that he is responsible for hosting. That means you don’t clean the room unless you have visitors. So they arrive to an obviously slept in bed. Maybe eat dinner before you come home if you can. Then just say good night and go to bed. Just leave absolutely everything to DP. And politely explain you struggle with having guests during the week as you work.

They will feel terrible and not come back for a while.

CherryMaDeara · 09/09/2023 00:50

But DP seems to think we always have to say yes to family.

But he’s fine with saying no to your family, it’s just his family are special?

Fuck that. Tell him you’ve stopped your family from staying mid-week and you really don’t want anyone staying.

If BIL work takes him all around then he can pay for a Premier Inn!

Lemondrizzleandacuppa · 09/09/2023 00:57

Tell him each time he allows his family to stay against your wishes, he is showing you that you are not his priority and it’s damaging the marriage. The problem isn’t just about the visitors - it’s about DH and his family’s lack of respect towards you.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 09/09/2023 01:10

Put DP into the spare room and he can share with his brother!

Ilmecourtsurleharicot · 09/09/2023 01:20

YANBU. Although staying for leisure guests and staying for work guests are two different groups in my book.
We have the working locally relatives staying in the week too when they need it, it only works if all parties are extremely clear with each other and tolerant, but I agree it’s not relaxing. There isn’t any spare time for chit chat with visitors of any kind in the week so they have to accept its like very functional house sharing only. And they need to do things like offer to bring dinner with them for everyone, and do that occasionally to help you out on the extra housework that you are doing to host them.

Codlingmoths · 09/09/2023 01:23

I’d just have to work late. Take myself out to dinner and head back to the office and have a really productive evening. Come home and say I’m so sorry it’s really busy right now I hope Dh made you comfortable! I’m off to bed.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/09/2023 01:24

CalistoNoSolo · 08/09/2023 12:21

In your situation I would just go straight to the nuclear option and move out. I cannot stand people making decisions that directly and negatively affect me without any consultation. Your partner has no respect for your feelings or opinion. Plus he's so wet he's not capable of saying no to family which is singularly unattractive. So no, yanbu in any way.

Absolutely this!

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/09/2023 01:34

If you don't want to do the nuclear option above, then next time I would tell DP, "oh right ok so you'll have to pay for me to stay in a (nice) hotel for the duration of their stay as I made my feelings perfectly clear and you are being disrespectful of my wishes. And if you do this again, then I'm moving out and into my own place and we can just go back to dating instead."

Your DP has seriously annoyed me!!!

Lastchancechica · 09/09/2023 05:45

It would be a hard no from me.
Not a chance would I have agreed to this even once. Mid week is too tiring,

Riapia · 09/09/2023 07:15

People are never eager to return to somewhere they are not welcome.

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 09/09/2023 07:29

I would never expect my sisters or close friends to have to be invited to stay. I would also always put my sisters up any time of the week they wanted to stay, they are always welcome in my home.

Anyone else I’d definitely prefer to stay on the weekend, other than exceptional circumstances, eg friends passing through from overseas.

You’re not being unreasonable to have boundaries but I’d maybe rethink on the sibling one, don’t you want your kids to have the kind of relationship where they’ve always got a place to stay?

Olika · 09/09/2023 07:32

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/09/2023 01:34

If you don't want to do the nuclear option above, then next time I would tell DP, "oh right ok so you'll have to pay for me to stay in a (nice) hotel for the duration of their stay as I made my feelings perfectly clear and you are being disrespectful of my wishes. And if you do this again, then I'm moving out and into my own place and we can just go back to dating instead."

Your DP has seriously annoyed me!!!

This

Thingamebobwotsit · 09/09/2023 07:40

@NearlyMonday yes every 6 weeks for a mid week visitor is pretty tough going if you work full time. I suspect DP/DH doesn't feel that way because (a) they are his family and he probably doesn't feel awkward about being caught looking like a numpty in his pants and t shirt and (b) I doubt he carries the same mental load as you do.

It might be different if it was hands on childcare while you were at work though? Or they are elderly and travelling a distance?

If not, I would suggest they can come mid week once a year. The rest of the time it is weekends only.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 09/09/2023 07:56

I’m about 98% in agreement - we currently have a very distant family member - back packing from Oz - who has been staying with us for SIX weeks (leaves next week, thankfully) - and it’s just exhausting- she is working in our city - but we have had to make proper dinners (rather than our usual week night night beans on toast or soup) , have to adapt to the things she eats / cope with her random use of the washing machine and weird wake up times - weekends are ok but the week is just ugh!

but I do have a very few visitors (two or my aunts) who are great weekday visitors- they cook, take kids to school and pick up from after school club, hang up laundry (and even iron!)

so you are Not being unreasonable

Talipesmum · 09/09/2023 07:59

I feel a little out of step with others on this thread- his brother asking to stay once every six weeks while travelling for work seems totally fine to me. I thought you were talking about once every couple of weeks from the “constant stream” comment. Unless I really disliked the person, this seems totally fine for close family and we’d both be pleased to see them. Just my view though, how I’d feel if it was me - not saying you should feel the same. And maybe there are others asking too. But once every 6 weeks doesn’t feel like an imposition.