Page 4 | Not wanting people to stay with us mid-week

NearlyMonday · 2023-09-08T08:56:35+00:00

I have name changed for this. AIBU to say ‘no’ to the increasing stream of relatives who want to stay with us mid-week? DP and I both work full time, and mid week guests are a pain. Its just that someone else is HERE, you can’t relax in the evening, you have to be in entertaining mode all the time, I can’t walk around in a t-shirt and knickers, and trying to be pleasant and chatty over cornflakes is hellish. Weekends are different and there’s no issue with having guests then. DP is very reluctant to say no to any of his relatives, who seem oblivious to the fact that we work. My relatives can be equally oblivious, but I just tell them to stick to weekends. But DP seems to think we always have to say yes to family.

Banana1979 · 09/09/2023 08:00

Yikes
you are a trooper

you need to start saying no!!

JMAngel1 · 09/09/2023 08:13

Codlingmoths · 08/09/2023 10:45

I’d have to say no, we couldn’t cope. We are frantic getting dc home/activities/ fed/bed and then it’s 9pm and clean up and fold washing and do any admin we need to , then it’s r&r or more work or settle the baby and in the morning it’s all systems go getting dc out the door with me yelling STOP ANNOYING YOUR BROTHER COME JERE AND STAND RIGHT THERE DO NOT MOVE WHILE I DO MY MAKEUP I CANNOT TRUST YOU FOR A MINUTE WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES- NO YOU HAVE TO FIND TWO SHOES THE SAME, YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE I TELL YOU EVERY MORNING -you’d probably only have to stay with us once on a work morning to decide you’d be rather be serving time in prison

😂

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 08:22

It's interesting how so often it's the DH who is a wet blanket who won't stand up to his family. I guess it's because so many blokes are conflict averse. Just tell him that if he won't say no and offer a weekend alternative, you'll tell them. You both live there, you both have a say, and I completely understand why you don't want mid-week visits.

Parlourgames · 09/09/2023 08:30

While I entirely understand your reluctance to have people staying mid-week, I do think that in a joint house you need to be a little bit more flexible. But I would firmly land all the work on your DH and mentally absent yourself.

I think it’s pretty tactless of your family in law to ask though. And you can make it very obvious that you are busy.

LT1982 · 09/09/2023 08:34

Yanbu. Do they expect to stay in your house all day whilst you're at work?

ladygindiva · 09/09/2023 08:37

Codlingmoths · 08/09/2023 10:45

I’d have to say no, we couldn’t cope. We are frantic getting dc home/activities/ fed/bed and then it’s 9pm and clean up and fold washing and do any admin we need to , then it’s r&r or more work or settle the baby and in the morning it’s all systems go getting dc out the door with me yelling STOP ANNOYING YOUR BROTHER COME JERE AND STAND RIGHT THERE DO NOT MOVE WHILE I DO MY MAKEUP I CANNOT TRUST YOU FOR A MINUTE WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES- NO YOU HAVE TO FIND TWO SHOES THE SAME, YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE I TELL YOU EVERY MORNING -you’d probably only have to stay with us once on a work morning to decide you’d be rather be serving time in prison

🤣 are you me???

rookiemere · 09/09/2023 08:37

It depends very much on what their expectations are.

For a while SILs family used us as a place to stay for various reasons. I actually liked it - they generally stayed one night max, had dinner before they came and it was a good chance to have a catch up in smaller numbers, rather than the group gatherings at Christmas or on holiday.

I don't mind relatives or people asking to stay at all. I always tell people they are welcome to come. We live in a tourist city and have a modest sized spare bedroom with a washable duvet so it doesn't take much time to get things ready.

Longer stays are slightly tricky. I lose my enthusiasm for visitors - especially mid week - after a couple of nights.

AgnesX · 09/09/2023 08:38

Of course you can say no. People need to understand that the working week is out of bounds unless you're on leave and you're the ones that have extended the invitation.

After a day at work you want your home to yourself.

HopelesslyOptimistic · 09/09/2023 08:41

This will never change, family first. Lovely quality he has but I could never live a life with such a partner. If you are thinking long-term with this man ask yourself the question can I adapt to such family demands. I know I couldn't so I'd walk.

Sunnytomorrow · 09/09/2023 09:04

Talipesmum · 09/09/2023 07:59

I feel a little out of step with others on this thread- his brother asking to stay once every six weeks while travelling for work seems totally fine to me. I thought you were talking about once every couple of weeks from the “constant stream” comment. Unless I really disliked the person, this seems totally fine for close family and we’d both be pleased to see them. Just my view though, how I’d feel if it was me - not saying you should feel the same. And maybe there are others asking too. But once every 6 weeks doesn’t feel like an imposition.

I agree with this. When I originally read your post I was assuming there were loads of people staying every week. You’d not be unreasonable in limiting those sort of stays.

But if it’s mainly just one adult (your BIL), and only every 6 weeks or so, then that just doesn’t seem a big deal to me and I tend to agree with your husband that it would seem churlish to force BIL to get a hotel room when he could be with family.

Just ask DH to remind his brother that you don’t have time to ‘host’ (i.e., cook a complicated dinner, etc) as you’ll be working, and then let him muddle in with whatever you’d do normally. Maybe BIL can cook for you all, or treat you to a takeaway?

If you’re tired and need some alone time after work, I’m sure no-one won’t mind if you pass some pleasantries and then just (politely) take yourself off to bed while DH catches up with his brother.

olympicsrock · 09/09/2023 09:15

With DBIL who is travelling for business it seems mean to make him pay for a hotel if he is a decent guest ans DH is willing to do the work.

For the rest - they should come at the weekend

JudgeRudy · 09/09/2023 09:16

What an odd situation...not a midweek stay itself but the fact that you have relatives who regularly invite themselves over to stay when you're both at work. What do they 'do' whilst you're out of the house? Have you asked them why they want to come? If l had regular visitors the only acceptable answer really is to spend time with you/yours. If that's not happening because you're at work they're coming for another reason.Presumably they don't have jobs themselves. lm guessing ILs.

Tbh I don't like frequent visitors myself and that in itself would grate, but the real issue is your OHs attitude. Hes totally ignoring and invalidating your feelings. Next time he does this (and it's him, not them) I'd book myself into the local Travelodge to get my point across. I suspect its you too that 'does' most of the hosting

RampantIvy · 09/09/2023 09:21

JST88 · 08/09/2023 22:45

But why are people wanting to stay at your house? Do you live far away from them? In a popular city? Just don’t get it, I’ve never asked to stay with anyone or had anyone stay over at my house

What don't you get about families who don't live near each other or people having friends who live too far away to just be able to go home after an evening meal?

Our friends and family are scattered. DD lives over 2 hours away, my sister lives 4 hours away and we have friends who live over 2 hours away. So when we bought this house we ensured that we had a spare bedroom to accommodate them. We also have two bathrooms and a downstairs loo.

Do you only have local friends and local family?

I have said to my family members that they are welcome to visit. It is an open invitation so I welcome it when they invite themselves to visit because I have already issued the invitation. They are merely confirming a date.

However, no-one asks for a midweek visit because they know I work.

concertgoer · 09/09/2023 09:29

Have the guests. Make your husband do the work. Walk round in your pants and tshirt and go to bed early with a book/tv or sleep.

explain to DH your happy to host at weekends, but if it’s just a place to crash midweek, you still need to do the same!

he’ll catch on !

Crazycrazylady · 09/09/2023 11:51

Honestly if my husband tried to tell me that my sister couldn't stay with me every six weeks or so I'd be telling him where to go. It is not just your home you know. If he wanted to chill in his bedroom on those night rather than chat I'd be fine with that but you deciding unilaterally that his brother can no longer stay with he is in area seems horribly controlling to me.

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 12:31

Why are they staying?

To see you, or because you live somewhere convenient for their work or something.

If it's to see you then clearly not a sensible idea as you are working.

If the later, tell them.to get a hotel

Original poster

NearlyMonday · 09/09/2023 12:35

Dishwashersaurous · 09/09/2023 12:31

Why are they staying?

To see you, or because you live somewhere convenient for their work or something.

If it's to see you then clearly not a sensible idea as you are working.

If the later, tell them.to get a hotel

It varies. With BIL, it’s due to his work. With the others, it’s because they fancy a short break and/or are seeing friends (or a concert) in our area. With my family, it was due to our location, but I had no hesitation in saying ‘weekends only’ and it’s been fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

NearlyMonday · 09/09/2023 12:45

Just to reiterate that weekend visitors are fine, it’s just the mid week bit that I struggle with.

OP posts:

Mew2 · 09/09/2023 13:34

So for me it depends who is visiting
If they are a guest who needs entertaining- no
If they are a guest who will do washing, cook dinners, help with the cleaning and help with childcare- I welcome them with open arms midweek or weekend... I work full time, have a young child and am hubby's registered carer (the amount of care varies from lots to non existent depending on his health)

itsgettingweird · 09/09/2023 13:37

The question from me is why they want to visit midweek when you're at work?

Clearly it's to use you as a B and B because you aren't around to visit!

itsgettingweird · 09/09/2023 13:39

Sorry see you've answered that now!

Teach me to read a thread and not update it before replying (I got distracted with housework 🤣)

Createausername1970 · 09/09/2023 13:46

Tell you DH that if he wants midweek guests, he is doing the extra shopping beforehand, the extra laundry afterwards and is doing the cooking and the hosting while they are here.

My DH had a habit of inviting his parents for Sunday lunch, but not mentioning it till Saturday evening. Then he would swan off to play golf on Sunday morning, leaving me to run to the shops for extra food, do a rapid declutter and then cook the bloody food.

We had words.

Createausername1970 · 09/09/2023 13:49

Just seen your update about being your husband's carer. Politely, he is taking the piss and expecting to much.

MammaEvz3 · 09/09/2023 14:02

Codlingmoths · 08/09/2023 10:45

I’d have to say no, we couldn’t cope. We are frantic getting dc home/activities/ fed/bed and then it’s 9pm and clean up and fold washing and do any admin we need to , then it’s r&r or more work or settle the baby and in the morning it’s all systems go getting dc out the door with me yelling STOP ANNOYING YOUR BROTHER COME JERE AND STAND RIGHT THERE DO NOT MOVE WHILE I DO MY MAKEUP I CANNOT TRUST YOU FOR A MINUTE WHERE ARE YOUR SHOES- NO YOU HAVE TO FIND TWO SHOES THE SAME, YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE I TELL YOU EVERY MORNING -you’d probably only have to stay with us once on a work morning to decide you’d be rather be serving time in prison

😂love this!! I couldn't have anyone stay with us on a work/school night either.

Original poster

NearlyMonday · 09/09/2023 15:30

Createausername1970 · 09/09/2023 13:49

Just seen your update about being your husband's carer. Politely, he is taking the piss and expecting to much.

Carer? I think you may have mis-read something?

OP posts: