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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please read. Is this weird??

109 replies

xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:02

Hello, looking for advice.

I went to the pub the other day as I my was my child free night. I was sat at the bar a lot just talking to the people working there. Not flirting or nothing!! However the guy who worked there brought me to drinks I did say no but he insisted. He added me on Facebook but so did the other people that work there, I really didn’t think anything of it as there was nothing to think. However the guy who got me the drinks lives on my street so he walked back that way with me.

He the later proceeded to text me saying “I can’t believe your single, absolutely beautiful” and then carried on messaging. I was hardly replying back and the next day I said I’m really hungover and he was saying “awhhh maybe I should come and cuddle you” I ignored this and he messaged saying “you missed out on your cuddle”
However my phone was charging lastnight and I didn’t check it for a while and he sent a message saying he’s left a bottle of wine outside mine for me (he did). So I was saying please you really don’t need to do that and he was like next time it will be flowers. I have told him no and then he said well maybe a date… I have said I’m not looking for anyone as I have not long came out of a relationship etc. He’s telling me I’m worth the wait etc and it is making me feel uncomfortable. He don’t even know my age or anything really about me.

Just looking for opinions on this situation…. It is very weird isn’t it?? It was the wine part what freaked me out a little bit… there’s being nice and then there’s being to nice.

OP posts:
ToughFuss · 08/09/2023 09:46

For goodness sake, some of these replies are bloody ridiculous. You did absolutely nothing wrong by going to your local and having a few (then a few more!) OP, don’t feel badly about that. You didn’t even do anything wrong giving matey your Facebook or your number or whatever, hardly like you threw your pants at his head while yelling ‘take me now!’ His behaviour is creepy and way too full on, don’t feel bad about telling him you are not interested (no apologies or ‘softening the blow’ needed). I understand feeling guilty but it’s just not necessary.

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 08/09/2023 09:47

Bar staff don’t usually get to just leave when the pub shuts.
So did you wait around for him after close so he could walk you home? If so that is a very mixed message and you need to learn better boundaries.

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:51

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 08/09/2023 09:47

Bar staff don’t usually get to just leave when the pub shuts.
So did you wait around for him after close so he could walk you home? If so that is a very mixed message and you need to learn better boundaries.

No I definitely did not!!!! I said I'm gonna go now and the manager even said you may aswell walk back with him as he's going that way. He left the moment the pub closed

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:54

The pub closed at 9pm so wasn't exactly late. He left straight away

OP posts:
Dramatic · 08/09/2023 09:57

RoyKentsTieDyeTop · 08/09/2023 09:47

Bar staff don’t usually get to just leave when the pub shuts.
So did you wait around for him after close so he could walk you home? If so that is a very mixed message and you need to learn better boundaries.

No it's not a mixed message! You can walk home with someone you've spent the night chatting to without wanting to start a romantic or sexual relationship with them ffs

Flamingogirl08 · 08/09/2023 10:00

xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:16

I said "I will be honest I'm not looking for anything at I'm just trying to focus on me and my son, as I have not long came out of a relationship and it's still all fresh"
I have definitely not indicated anything. You would of thought he understood when he was sending a ton of messages and I wasn't replying.
I feel like I'm getting blamed a little here?

Show quote history

Blamed for what? He fancies you and is maybe coming on a bit too strong. You're not interested so just be clear and tell him that.

He hasn't really done anything wrong other than maybe be too forward.

OhNoForever · 08/09/2023 10:00

I would send a message being like "sorry if I've given you the wrong impression but I'm not interested in you like that" and then ignore any other messages.

What a fucking weirdo. He's obviously pushy and ignoring the obvious so you need to be clear with him.

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 08/09/2023 10:01

xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:28

It was Facebook, I asked to add me so me being tipsy I said yes but again I didn't think any of it at all. He never give any indication in the pub he would be like that!

Show quote history

I don’t know OP, as a mum on my own with a child the last thing I would do is to add a stranger to my Facebook at meeting point. There is so much apparently innocuous information there that could be massively useful to a stalker or someone who doesn’t know how to take “no” for an answer.

I know you shouldn’t be restricting yourself or your behaviours to avoid people out there misinterpreting your intentions, it shouldn’t really be like that but unfortunately it is, you really need to be aware of your vulnerabilities, your strengths and support network when you decide to go out alone and get pissed when you
live alone with a kid.

NonMiDispiace · 08/09/2023 10:03

My thoughts too @TooOldForASugarDaddy 🫤

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 08/09/2023 10:05

Dramatic · 08/09/2023 09:25

So an adult woman can't go to a pub for a couple of drinks without "wanting" to be harassed? Jesus christ

Show quote history

In an ideal world if doesn’t happen, it shouldn’t happen but unfortunately the world is still full of creeps that do not give a shit of what that ideal world should be, hence why you need to be careful when you are alone.

Doggymummar · 08/09/2023 10:05

OhNoForever · 08/09/2023 10:00

I would send a message being like "sorry if I've given you the wrong impression but I'm not interested in you like that" and then ignore any other messages.

What a fucking weirdo. He's obviously pushy and ignoring the obvious so you need to be clear with him.

No need to apologise, switch the blame to him. you got the wrong impression, I'm not interested in a relationship. I just went out for a quiet drink. Don't make it awkward, Bob.

Movingandlooking · 08/09/2023 10:07

If it carries on maybe speak to his boss. Because you were a customer and he has basically driven away business and also hasn't respected you enough to leave you alone and stop when you have said you don't want anything.

Newnamehiwhodis · 08/09/2023 10:09

omfg people blaming OP for this creep’s behavior: you are the problem. You’re the problem! Stop fcking turning men’s behavior around on women and perpetuating rape culture.

OP. Straight up, this dude is a creep. Tell him stop contacting you or you’ll go to the police. Take a screenshot that you’ve told him that, because one warning is all he gets. Then block. If he bothers you again, report him for harassment. He’s not safe and he doesn’t deserve politeness. Go absolutely ballistic on his arse if you have to. Be the “crazy lady” if you have to- to protect your child and yourself.

Movingandlooking · 08/09/2023 10:09

Also... find a new pub. That would put me off even if he stopped

Movingandlooking · 08/09/2023 10:12

@Newnamehiwhodis i actually agree with this and I rarely do the crazy lady thing. But if he's not stopping then you need to do something along these lines. Especially as you have a child too. Some men just can't accept you don't want them. I don't think many men are taught about how to speak to women or accept it if they aren't interested. My boys are 8 and 10 and my girls 6 and 4 and we regularly have chats about no means no, regardless as to has said it. And I also chat to the boys about women and how we feel about things etc and they understand more than most men so far. Men are not raised to be gentlemen really!

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 10:15

Yes i am definitely not going back in there what's quite a shame. But I just wanna stay far away now. To awakard and creepy now

OP posts:
Cotonsugar · 08/09/2023 10:16

Just tell him in capital letters I’M NOT INTERESTED”, then block him. You’ve been nice and polite but it hasn’t got through. As women we have been brought up to be nice and polite and feel we have to explain everything but this doesn’t always work with the opposite sex. Don’t feel guilty and just say no.

Loulou599 · 08/09/2023 10:23

There's nothing wrong with going for a drink alone.

However you behaved very naively and recklessly by:
Accepting drinks without watching what was going in the glass
Showing him where you live.

Be careful

3dogsandarabbit · 08/09/2023 10:24

So if his boss knew where you lived you must have given the name of your street where you lived, so anyone in the pub could have heard that. You need to be more careful OP.

Years ago a couple I know were burgled whilst on a day trip to France. They thought it was a coincidence and then realised that the night before they had been talking about it in the pub and they think someone followed them home to see where they lived.

Darkdiamond · 08/09/2023 10:25

My mum always said that men take anything as a green light. The older I get, the more truth I see in it. They often just don't get (or refuse to understand) the message.

You have to be blunt.
" I'm not interested. I don't want to go out with you".

amlie8 · 08/09/2023 10:29

Loulou599 · 08/09/2023 10:23

There's nothing wrong with going for a drink alone.

However you behaved very naively and recklessly by:
Accepting drinks without watching what was going in the glass
Showing him where you live.

Be careful

Unpopular but true.

I prefer to deal with the real world, rather than some fantasy world in which everyone behaves impeccably.

Here in the real world, you will give off the wrong message by letting some random guy have your full name, your social media account and your home address. Wise up!

To all those moaning about 'perpetuating rape culture', you are doing women no favours. Certain men are not going to change. Instead, we need to be honest about that and encourage women to be more assertive in deflecting unwanted attention – and even avoiding attracting it in the first place.

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 10:29

Loulou599 · 08/09/2023 10:23

There's nothing wrong with going for a drink alone.

However you behaved very naively and recklessly by:
Accepting drinks without watching what was going in the glass
Showing him where you live.

Be careful

He worked behind the bar so even if i brought a drink he could of put anything in there, and I was watching when he made the drink.

He walked that we he lived on the same street.

OP posts:
Jl2014 · 08/09/2023 10:29

Stay well clear of this guy. Massive alarm bells.

diditbark · 08/09/2023 10:30

Argh. Block him.

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 10:30

3dogsandarabbit · 08/09/2023 10:24

So if his boss knew where you lived you must have given the name of your street where you lived, so anyone in the pub could have heard that. You need to be more careful OP.

Years ago a couple I know were burgled whilst on a day trip to France. They thought it was a coincidence and then realised that the night before they had been talking about it in the pub and they think someone followed them home to see where they lived.

There was no body around, we was chatting about it cos I was knew in the area and they just asked street name.
Yes I understand now I have to be careful but like I said I didn't even think any of it at the time

OP posts:
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