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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please read. Is this weird??

109 replies

xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:02

Hello, looking for advice.

I went to the pub the other day as I my was my child free night. I was sat at the bar a lot just talking to the people working there. Not flirting or nothing!! However the guy who worked there brought me to drinks I did say no but he insisted. He added me on Facebook but so did the other people that work there, I really didn’t think anything of it as there was nothing to think. However the guy who got me the drinks lives on my street so he walked back that way with me.

He the later proceeded to text me saying “I can’t believe your single, absolutely beautiful” and then carried on messaging. I was hardly replying back and the next day I said I’m really hungover and he was saying “awhhh maybe I should come and cuddle you” I ignored this and he messaged saying “you missed out on your cuddle”
However my phone was charging lastnight and I didn’t check it for a while and he sent a message saying he’s left a bottle of wine outside mine for me (he did). So I was saying please you really don’t need to do that and he was like next time it will be flowers. I have told him no and then he said well maybe a date… I have said I’m not looking for anyone as I have not long came out of a relationship etc. He’s telling me I’m worth the wait etc and it is making me feel uncomfortable. He don’t even know my age or anything really about me.

Just looking for opinions on this situation…. It is very weird isn’t it?? It was the wine part what freaked me out a little bit… there’s being nice and then there’s being to nice.

OP posts:
Dramatic · 08/09/2023 09:25

titchy · 08/09/2023 09:22

Maybe it's a generation thing but do young (I'm assuming you're very young?) women these days really go to bars and get pissed on their own? That to me does not exactly give off a 'leave me alone' vibe.

If you're going to do that sort of thing you need to be really really clear immediately someone starts trying to pull you.

So an adult woman can't go to a pub for a couple of drinks without "wanting" to be harassed? Jesus christ

BrawnWild · 08/09/2023 09:25

I hope she wasnt wearing a short skirt either....in response to the poster that thinks women shouldn't go to pubs alone

Aserena · 08/09/2023 09:26

Definitely weird.
Tell him you’ve got an on-and-off relationship with a police officer or similar.

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:26

BrawnWild · 08/09/2023 09:25

I hope she wasnt wearing a short skirt either....in response to the poster that thinks women shouldn't go to pubs alone

Edited

I was wearing jeans haha!!

OP posts:
cbuew9 · 08/09/2023 09:26

How did he have your mobile number in the first place??

ZekeZeke · 08/09/2023 09:27

Don't go out to bars alone and get pissed, it's dangerous!

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:28

cbuew9 · 08/09/2023 09:26

How did he have your mobile number in the first place??

It was Facebook, I asked to add me so me being tipsy I said yes but again I didn't think any of it at all. He never give any indication in the pub he would be like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:29

ZekeZeke · 08/09/2023 09:27

Don't go out to bars alone and get pissed, it's dangerous!

The pub is very close to my house and it was a quiet night.
I'm definitely not the only one to do so

OP posts:
instantick · 08/09/2023 09:29

this happened to me and i was like im not interested yet the guy still proceeded to tell me he would wait for me like ew no fuck off block

Blossomandbee · 08/09/2023 09:29

You need to be firm and nip this in the bud, he's massively overstepping boundaries.
Do you have a male friend or relative that could be seen around at your house or tell him to back off?

I do think you need to be really careful who you're handing your full name and social media accounts out to though and letting strange men see where you live. I'm not saying his behaviour is your fault at all, however you've put yourself in a really vulnerable position.

Dramatic · 08/09/2023 09:30

xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:19

I just felt so bad since he got me stuff and got a little worried about the back lash from it. I know I sound stupid

Show quote history

You do not owe this man anything at all. If there is back lash then you know you dodged a bullet. Men like these don't think that women have their own thoughts and wants, they think they can win women over by showering them with gifts and attention and there must be something wrong with the woman if they don't accept it and immediately go out on a date with them.

cbuew9 · 08/09/2023 09:31

Blossomandbee · 08/09/2023 09:29

You need to be firm and nip this in the bud, he's massively overstepping boundaries.
Do you have a male friend or relative that could be seen around at your house or tell him to back off?

I do think you need to be really careful who you're handing your full name and social media accounts out to though and letting strange men see where you live. I'm not saying his behaviour is your fault at all, however you've put yourself in a really vulnerable position.

Totally agree with this comment...

Original poster
xx200xx · 08/09/2023 09:31

Blossomandbee · 08/09/2023 09:29

You need to be firm and nip this in the bud, he's massively overstepping boundaries.
Do you have a male friend or relative that could be seen around at your house or tell him to back off?

I do think you need to be really careful who you're handing your full name and social media accounts out to though and letting strange men see where you live. I'm not saying his behaviour is your fault at all, however you've put yourself in a really vulnerable position.

I know! I never think people would be like that when they don't seem it at first if that makes sense.

It was hard tho as he walked that way back and my house was before his as we live on the same street.
I don't think properly after having a drink so little thing like Facebook I didn't see bad at the time.

OP posts:
Keepingthingsinteresting · 08/09/2023 09:32

titchy · 08/09/2023 09:22

Maybe it's a generation thing but do young (I'm assuming you're very young?) women these days really go to bars and get pissed on their own? That to me does not exactly give off a 'leave me alone' vibe.

If you're going to do that sort of thing you need to be really really clear immediately someone starts trying to pull you.

Talk about victim blaming! Maybe it’s a generationally thing, but I thought what you were wearing or where you were as a tool to excuse men’s shitty behaviour went out with the ark.

she can go wherever she likes, going out for a drink does not oblige her to reciprocate attention from creepy me.

Gerrataere · 08/09/2023 09:33

God some of the replies on this thread are fucking depressing.

OP you’ve been clear enough. You have said outright you’re not looking for anything and you’ve been kind enough about it. Just block him, don’t say anything further and if he continues to harass you in any other way don’t engage. What a creep honestly.

idliketogetdownnow · 08/09/2023 09:33

I think that people like this don't take hints or indirect rejection and will look for any wriggle room in order to keep pursuing their target.

If I were you I would send him a message saying "I am not interested in a relationship with you. I am blocking your number. Please do not contact me again."

Then block him and don't go back to that pub.

If he persists you should consider going to the police.

MarjorieStuartBaxter · 08/09/2023 09:33

Mmm maybe because you were on your own sat at the bar all night he got the wrong idea doesn't excuse his bullshit BUT you gave your number out to strangers ffs. You've admitted you were pissed as well so maybe you did flirt with him etc.
Again no excuse for stalkerush behaviour, your txt about not wanting anything at the moment leaves him thinking you will want something down the line, I know it's hard to be honest but just tell him straight!! If you ring his boss at this point he could be unpredictable so tell him a straight no but you're happy to be friends..and he needs to stop coming to your door as it scares your kid.......if he doesn't stop then yes.

instantick · 08/09/2023 09:34

i spent one saturday night with this guy no sexual or even signs of attraction and he messaged me and said he missed our saturday nights together i was like eww one time lol men r weird not all just some

BlackJumpsuit · 08/09/2023 09:34

Yes as others have said, be much more direct.

'Not interested'

Any contact after that, block.

titchy · 08/09/2023 09:34

Oh Im not blaming her at all. Am quite impressed at having the bottle (excuse pun) to walk into a pub alone and get pissed tbh.

But it is unusual for a lone woman to do that and OP getting pissed and adding randomers to FB wasn't exactly sensible.

SuddenlyOld · 08/09/2023 09:36

In this order:

  1. Say, 'I'm not interested in being friends or anything else so please stop contacting me'. Block on fb
  2. If he persists tell him you will report him to the police for harassment. Tell his boss what he has done. Staff should not do this whatever their job is.
  3. Tell everyone you know what is going on. Enlist your ex or some other male friends to visit the pub with you/visit your house etc. I know you shouldn't have to but he will back off if he knows others have got your back
PersephonePomegranate23 · 08/09/2023 09:39

I just felt so bad since he got me stuff and got a little worried about the back lash from it. I know I sound stupid

You don't sound stupid at all, it's social conditioning. Layers upon layers of it, from quid pro quo to women feeling awkward about being direct about unwanted attention (or actually anything they don't want, really) to being held responsible for other people's feeling and actions.

To any normal person, it's clear you're not interested. This guy is a creep.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 08/09/2023 09:40

He sounds very desperate and pushing boundaries. There seems to be so many men out there like this, nowadays especially. Tell him to bog off. What a sodding pest.

Mamai90 · 08/09/2023 09:40

Issuefroth · 08/09/2023 09:19

He’s the one in the wrong, creepy behaviour. Your reply makes it clear you’re not interested. I hate how we are made to feel like we have to spare their feelings “let them down gently” when they have no consideration for ours. Honestly leaving gifts on your doorstep, it’s like a horror film

I totally agree with this.

I'm like you OP and have felt guilty for giving men the brush off when they've been so 'nice'. But as I've gotten older I've realised this behaviour is anything but nice.

LovingMyLiver · 08/09/2023 09:43

"I don't fancy you and I don't want a "cuddle" now fuck off"