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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Questions about his ex... *Trigger warning*

93 replies

ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:26

So first off, I am a woman who feels the past is in the past. Don't judge someone on their history etc. Don't pry about someone's ex's or previous sexual history.

However, I need to know if IBU in this instance?

A girl has recently stalked my Instagram Story and Facebook that I don't know - she popped up on viewing Stories and then today liked and unliked an old FB pic on my profile. I click on her profile, curious, and see she lives in the same town as my boyfriend. A small specific place not local to me.

I send him a screenshot and ask if he knows her, genuinely curious why I'm being stalked by a random. He replies they have history and she was a bit mental. I ask how long ago and he said before us. He then rang me very angry, saying I was interrogating him and asking why I was starting a fight.

This reaction has then caused me to ask why he was overreacting. If it was someone in the past it's cool and he can calm down, but could he tell me what happened between them. I wouldn't normally care or want to know, but the combination of her stalking me and his big reaction triggered my spider senses.

He eventually let on that he had been with her a few months, got her pregnant, then she has had an abortion and they went their separate ways.

This had made me feel quite insecure in that he has never shared this with me - not that he had to - but that in looking more at her profile I can see he liked a selfie she took last year while we've been together, and also a picture of her son at school this year.

Im now worried he has unresolved feelings for her hence the big reaction and also liking her pictures. He's only liked two, but why would he be liking them otherwise?

Am I being overanxious now? Should I just trust his version of things as he's told me?

OP posts:
cpphelp · 07/09/2023 21:28

Are you/he SURE she had an abortion?

cpphelp · 07/09/2023 21:28

Even if she did, maybe she has feeling for him still and is curious who he's moved on with, I know I've been there!

gwenneh · 07/09/2023 21:29

Yeah it’s always that “they’re mental!”

That, coupled with the defensive response, would be an enormous red flag.

cpphelp · 07/09/2023 21:30

With liking the photos... I can imagine if an abortion did happen, that's a lot for two people to go through even if they did go their separate ways. He probably doesn't have feelings for her as such, but a respect/care for her?

Missingmyusername · 07/09/2023 21:31

Flick him back- not a keeper.

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:33

To be fair, his go-to reaction to anything is go on the defensive. He has proven himself in our time together to be a good a trustworthy man though, however indelicately he handles being challenged.

OP posts:
SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 07/09/2023 21:33

It's possible she is one of those women who can't let go

It's possible that his reaction is because he fears you are the same kind of woman

It's also possible that the common denominator is him and that anger, those accusations are his usual reaction to anything he doesn't like.

You have had a warning shot across your bows either way.

Good luck thinking your way through this.

UneFoisAuChalet · 07/09/2023 21:34

The whole scenario would be too tacky for me. How old are you? Genuinely. I’d fuck right off as it seems like a lot of drama will follow and I couldn’t be arsed with that.

Dump and move on. It’ll just be heartache.

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:34

@SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth

"It's also possible that the common denominator is him and that anger, those accusations are his usual reaction to anything he doesn't like."

This. We're working on it. Promise he's not a bad guy though. I've been there and know the difference!

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:35

@cpphelp thank you, this is what I would like to hope and trust is the scenario. I guess the weak part of me is scared she left him / he still wants her.

OP posts:
HarrietJet · 07/09/2023 21:36

Why does your op come with a trigger warning??

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:37

For the 'dump him' brigade as much as I love and appreciate your self-respect-clad enthusiasm, it's really not something I'm contemplating at all. I love him a lot, I'm just anxious about this situation and wondering AIBU or how to proceed.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:38

@HarrietJet for the abortion mention. I'm not sure if it would be warranted but didn't want to chance anything and wanted to be respectful..

OP posts:
cpphelp · 07/09/2023 21:38

Even if she did leave him, it doesn't mean he hasn't moved on emotionally, but still has respect and care for her

Janieforever · 07/09/2023 21:39

It’s very clear you’re far from the past is past. His previous relationships are none of your business. Stop this now.

beastlyslumber · 07/09/2023 21:41

Massive red flags, OP. His anger and your feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

You don't trust him and tbh he doesn't sound trustworthy. I would take a step back/slow down and give him space and time to reveal his true colours.

Janieforever · 07/09/2023 21:44

beastlyslumber · 07/09/2023 21:41

Massive red flags, OP. His anger and your feelings of anxiety and insecurity.

You don't trust him and tbh he doesn't sound trustworthy. I would take a step back/slow down and give him space and time to reveal his true colours.

I don’t agree, I’d be furious if a partner wanted the detail on my ex’s. Apparently on here it’s ok for a woman to ask but if a man asks it’s heinous?

AuntMarch · 07/09/2023 21:45

I don't like his reaction at all, but to answer "why else would he be liking her photos"... because that's what people do? My DC started school this week, three exes (that I happened to noticed - when the notification happened to show their names) liked the photo I posted

SmileyClare · 07/09/2023 21:48

Whether you’re “working on “ his temper or not, his angry defensive reaction is the red flag. Plus calling her “mental”.
This is the line always trotted out by men who can’t take responsibility for issues in a relationship.

Youre in essence now treading on egg shells and feel you can’t ask anything about his past in case he reacts “”badly”and accuses you of starting a fight.

A bit of online snooping from an ex is really nothing to be concerned about. Presumably he had some sort of relationship with her son so I can understand him looking at his first day at school pic.

beastlyslumber · 07/09/2023 21:49

Janieforever · 07/09/2023 21:44

I don’t agree, I’d be furious if a partner wanted the detail on my ex’s. Apparently on here it’s ok for a woman to ask but if a man asks it’s heinous?

Show quote history

I said nothing about OP asking about his past. That seems reasonable in the context but ymmv.

The red flags here are his anger and her anxiety and insecurity.

HectorSalamanca · 07/09/2023 21:53

gwenneh · 07/09/2023 21:29

Yeah it’s always that “they’re mental!”

That, coupled with the defensive response, would be an enormous red flag.

Yep. He has a 'crazy ex'

Same old trope.

There is more to this than meets the eye.

Dump. You're not that deep in yet

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:54

@SmileyClare well this is the thing, do I ask more? I feel like I would feel much better if he would talk to me openly about what happened, why they separated..

But then the posters highlighting my insecurity as unreasonable would indicate this is the wrong thing to do, so should I just assume trust and let it go, and work on myself?

I feel like in a healthy situation I would have been safe to ask and have a calm, open conversation. It's his anger that I don't know how to react to and that has made me feel insecure.

OP posts:
Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:56

@HectorSalamanca I've been with the guy three years, were pretty deep in 😝 if it was three months yes this situation would make me think differently, as I would assume the worst and run.

OP posts:
lto2019 · 07/09/2023 21:56

Do you never have a nosy at exes profiles? She has probably had a nosy to see what you're like. He has liked 2 pics of her - so?
I don't see any red flags - I wouldn't be arsed in the slightest. As for the termination - it happened to them - not sure why he would need to tell you? The only thing I would be concerned about is him saying she is mental - but who knows she might be.

Original poster
ConfiderWren · 07/09/2023 21:57

@lto2019 thank you. You sound really balanced and reasonable which is what I need right now 🙏

OP posts: